Because it’s Brett Ratner, and nothing about this makes any sense at all, the script is penned by Nzingha Stewart, who’s a hip-hop video director by day, and a rebooter of oddly esoteric 80s coming-of-age films by night.

No word yet on who could play The Flamingo Kid, but because it’s Brett Ratner, we’re going to slide our betting chips over to the “41 year-old Chris Tucker” spot on the gaming table. Now we play the waiting game.

Finally, we can bet that the film will come in way under budget due to the omission of money-wasting rehearsals.

I had always thought that Jackie Chan was the guy you used to get grit off your movies. And Chris Tucker was the guy you used to get them to taste like white bread and water.

Now what will the fourth Rush Hour entail, plot-wise? Hmm. Probably a sassy talking dog, maybe sassy Puerto Rican wives, or maybe a sassy eight-year old that the duo are charged with protecting.

There will be sass.

Yes, I see your hand up, you in the back, and director Brett Ratner’s involvement isn’t imagined at this time, though Mr. Sarkissian did say Ratner was “more than welcome to do it,” which is a nice way of saying, “Mr. Ratner can go fuck himself. I have a gay son who I love very much.”

Lest you think that this Hercules film will be a study of Greek mythology, a period piece that examines the infancy of civilization, now’s as good a time as any to mention that Brett Ratner is directing the film and it’s based on a comic book published by Radical Comics.

It’s like Wrath of the Titans meets…Clash of the Titans. Yay!

This project has been kicking around since 2008, when Peter Berg was attached to direct. But art called, so Peter Berg went off to do the Battleship movie with Rihanna, leaving Ratner and The Rock to delight in this film that no one anywhere is excited to see at all.

Next up for The Rock is Pain and Gain from Michael Bay, while next up for Ratner is another semester of sensitivity classes.

But will audiences be able to see him as anything but the Scorpion King?

Ratner will be producing and directing the spot for GLAAD after getting booted from directing the Oscars after offhandedly saying “rehearsing is for fags” at a Q&A session.

I don’t think I’m being cynical when I say that this is a hopelessly transparent move that I’m a little surprised GLAAD is going along with. I suppose forgiveness is the name of their game, but would it kill them to make Ratner twist in the wind for another year or two before letting him off the hook? Sure, he may be genuinely repentant, but why not make an example of him?

It’s like I always say: The best thing to do with Brett Ratner is to make an example of him.

That’s what my tattoo says.

The Academy wasted no time in announcing a replacement this week after Ratner stepped down when the media caught wind of his recent controversial statements. However, the choice seems suspect. Grazer did after all produce Tower Heist, the film that’s receiving heavy promotion from the Academy Awards. However, I’d recommend moving away from Tower Heist as it’s clearly cursed. It opened poorly at the box office. Brett Ratner was outed as a douche who masturbates while eating finger foods, star Eddie Murphy stepped down as Oscars host, and Courthouse Guard actor Heavy D collapsed and died this week. Did Tower Heist run over a gypsy out by the fairgrounds?

I find it ironic that Ratner was dismissed after stating, “Rehearsal is for fags,” yet Grazer experienced a similar (if not more harsh) backlash when his film The Dilemma stated that “electric cars are gay.” You can’t tell me that there are no electric cars in The Academy. (Deadline)

Well, if that’s true, then the following nine directors would just be awful, awful choices to helm the production.

Let me clarify: They would be awful for the tightasses at the academy. I would love it.

David Cronenberg

While Cronenberg doesn’t have any out-and-out hallmarks (just a general darkness and violence in his films), it would still be a blast to see what he would do with the Academy Awards ceremony. Perhaps he’d have one of the presenters betray another, causing a fistfight to break out, and forcing Hugh Jackman to repeatedly smash Halle Berry’s head on the steps until her body stops twitching. Perhaps during dance numbers, a shirtless Viggo Mortensen could idly walk through the production, staring daggers at Adrian Brody.

Tim Burton

Everyone would get super-excited about this year’s telecast being really dark and edgy, but would soon be disappointed to find that Johnny Depp and HBC are phoning it in, all the while realizing that Tim Burton’s not edgy anymore, he’s just kind of bad.

Perhaps the introduction could feature Christopher Walken stepping out in a top hat and spats, welcoming the audience to a “truly macabre finale to awards season.”

Also, everyone that was not a nominee would be dressed like a scarecrow.

David Fincher

Fincher could certainly bring a gritty sensibility to the polished-to-a-fault ceremony. He would find a way to make it rain during the entire telecast onstage, soundtracking even the most jovial moments with a low-fi Dus Brothers score.

Perhaps the telecast would end by focusing on the losers of the Best Picture Oscar, rather than the traditional approach of dwelling on the winner. All lights would be green and blue, and no one would ever laugh, ever.

Eddie Murphy won’t be hosting the Oscars.

In a statement released by the AMPAS, Eddie Murphy has walked away from his hosting detail. Rather than sum it up for you, here’s the short release in its entirety:

Beverly Hills, CA – Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences President Tom Sherak announced that Eddie Murphy has withdrawn as host of the 84th Academy Awards. “I appreciate how Eddie feels about losing his creative partner, Brett Ratner, and we all wish him well,” said Sherak.

Commented Murphy, “First and foremost I want to say that I completely understand and support each party’s decision with regard to a change of producers for this year’s Academy Awards ceremony. I was truly looking forward to being a part of the show that our production team and writers were just starting to develop, but I’m sure that the new production team and host will do an equally great job.”

Academy Awards for outstanding film achievements of 2011 will be presented on Sunday, February 26, 2012, at the Kodak Theatre at Hollywood & Highland Center®, and televised live by the ABC Television Network. The Oscar® presentation also will be televised live in more than 200 countries worldwide.

I respect Eddie’s allegiance to Ratner, who was instrumental in this whole “comeback” movement (Tower Heist, hand-picking Murphy to host the Oscars, etc.). But walking away from the high-profile gig seems more than a little misguided. It’s not like Ratner was unfairly driven out. He said some stupid shit and was politely shown the door. Eddie didn’t do anything wrong, so why should he leave?

Well, the hunt is on for a new Oscar host. Maybe we’ll be treated to the 3,141st partnership of Billy Crystal and Bruce Vilanch. Yay Oscars!

In a move that will send shock waves through the shrimp-eating/masturbating community, director Brett Ranter has stepped down from his post as a producer of this year’s Oscar telecast. Well, it wasn’t so much a “step down” as it was a halfhearted waddle followed by an unsuccessful attempt to pull up his pants.

Ratner apologized for his recent comments and announced his resignation in an open letter to the entertainment industry. No word yet on whether the letter was smeared with mustard.

So many artists and craftspeople in our business are members of the LGBT community, and it pains me deeply that I may have hurt them. I should have known this all along, but at least I know it now: words do matter

The fact that Brett didn’t realize words matter, coupled with the fact that he thinks “rehearsing is for fags,” really goes a long way toward explaining his films. At least he’s learning. And if I’ve learned anything from all this, it’s that while making fun of gays is clearly off limits, making fun of fat people is still OK, especially if the fat person in question is making fun of gays. (Vulture)

GASP!

Sure, his throwaway comment will undoubtedly ruffle some feathers in the LGBT communities, but Ratner using a homophobic slur to disparage something really isn’t news. (It would be news if he didn’t, actually.) The bigger story is that we have figured out a factor in why Ratner’s films are not very good ever.

Based on his comment, I’ve compiled a list of other things that Brett Ratner probably thinks are for fags, pussies, and possibly retards:

• Compelling scripts
• Not casting Chris Tucker
• Antiperspirant for your face
• Treating the homosexual community with dignity and respect
• Thoughtful pacing and direction of films
• Not driving a Lamborghini through South Beach at 2 AM huntin’ for sluts
• Stanley Kubrick’s entire catalogue

The project is not Beverly Hills Cop 4, as Murphy has said recently that he’s not interested in tacking on another sequel to the seminal action-comedy. However, that hasn’t stopped Brett Ratner from telling everyone that he would love to direct the imaginary film.

Tower Heist scored $25 million this weekend and opened to tepid reviews, despite praise for an Eddie Murphy performance that harkens back to the comic actor‘s golden years in the mid-late 80′s.

For better or worse, Murphy and Ratner have developed something of a partnership, as Ratner is directing the Oscars, with Murphy signed on to host, and Murphy will be a voice in Ratner’s upcoming animated Honk Kong Phooey film.

With all these projects in the pipeline, it’s pretty easy to not be excited about a fourth teaming of the two, but let’s smile anyway and let them enjoy this moment.

“That’s terrific guys!”

(The Wrap)

If anyone has seen it, please let us know what you thought. Is it actually good, or merely something designed to hold a mouthbreather’s attention for an hour and forty minutes? I’m sorry. I just can’t help my prejudices. I’m was totally expecting a terrible heist movie, like the nine listed below.

Fast Five

In a departure from the street racing theme of the previous installments, Fast Five turns Vin Diesel and Paul Walker into master thieves. They band together with every tough guy, hot chick, and rapper to have previously driven a fast car in order to steal $100 million from a corrupt businessman. Really? Exactly $100 million. Are they robbing Dr. Evil?

The Perfect Score

Six failing students team up to secure their futures by stealing the SAT exam. All in all, it’s a pretty lazy comedy that puts too many of its gags on the shoulders of an unlikable version of a Hollywood interpretation of a stoned teenager. However, it does feature a pre-Avengers Scarlett Johannson in a leather bodysuit kicking guards in the face. This movie can see the future.

Stealing Harvard

Jason Lee and Tom Green star as hapless crooks attempting to steal enough money for a young girl’s college tuition. Subplots involve cross-dressing and a dog falling in love with Green before having its way with him. That guy and his stunts.

And to be clear, we’re not just kicking a man when he’s down. Check out 9 Reasons Eddie Murphy Is A Comic Genius.

Another 48 Hours

Walter Hill‘s 48 Hours is an action comedy classic. It’s surprisingly violent for the genre, and it features a “star is born” performance from Eddie Murphy, only a couple years before he took over the world with Beverly Hills Cop. This 1990 follow up had the same director and stars, but none of the urgency or hunger. The film winds up feeling as lazy as its title, with the same bits redone over and over. The ending is kind of fun, but this movie is the beginning of a long decline for Eddie.

The Haunted Mansion

In the summer of 2003, Disney had a surprise smash hit with a film adaptation of one of their famous theme park rides, Pirates of the Caribbean. They must of been super excited knowing they had this comedy take on another of their classic rides waiting in the wings for the fall. And then The Haunted Mansion opened and fell like a rock. The Pirates franchise spawned three hit sequels, with more on the way. The Haunted Mansion continues to be a popular ride at Disney World, and the DVD of the film is a staple of discount bins everywhere.

The Adventures of Pluto Nash

Unlike most people, I have actually watched Pluto Nash. It was a rainy Sunday afternoon, it was on cable, and I thought, “How bad can it be?” The sad truth is: It’s not the worst movie ever. It just isn’t remarkable or fun. Bad movies are normally a dime a dozen, except that Pluto Nash cost $110 Million, and it made back about 7 million. This turd put a stink on Eddie’s career he’s still rinsing off.

Producers Broderick Johnson and Andrew Kosove say, “We could not be happier that Eddie Murphy will star as Phooey. There is no overstating his contributions to cinema, and to such enduring stars of family entertainments such as Shrek and Dr. Doolittle. We look forward to watching him re-imagine yet another classic character.”

Other producer Brett Ratner probably commented, “I like it when he does the farts. The farts are good.” (Deadline)

“I had no idea. But Tom Sherak called me two weeks ago to come see him in his office. And I walk in and Tom is there with Dawn Hudson. And I thought I was being kicked out of Academy. I thought my maid had started bootlegging my Academy DVDs and I would be escorted out of the building and asked to relinquish my Academy cards.”

LOL. Seriously, though. Put a tail on that maid.

In an interview with returning co-producer Don Mischer, Ratner tells THR about what he’ll bring to the table. And no, they aren’t Anytizers. Although those are delicious.

“I think my love of comedy had a lot to do with it. To their credit, Tom and Dawn really understand what is needed, and comedy is a big part of it, and I want to make that part of it. I think that is going to be tremendous.”

Judd Apatow must have given his screeners to his maid.

Movies like New Year’s Eve should take note. THIS is how you make a comedy with an ensemble cast. You use likable actors like Matthew Broderick. That way, audiences are happy and the Broderick-Parker children are still fed. Everyone wins!!

I may have said too much. Anyway, Steven Spielberg and DreamWorks partner Stacey Snider set-up the project in 2008 at DreamWorks (naturally), as a directing vehicle for Spielberg. However, Spielberg is too busy directing Lincoln and Executive Producing a whole bunch o’ stuff, which means they needed a new director. So, they called up Brett Ratner and asked if he had any more Rush Hour movies in the pipeline or X-Men movie projects he wanted to ruin. When Ratner said “no,” he got the job.

Screenwriter Jeff Nathanson wrote the adaptation for 39 Clues. Ratner and Nathanson also teamed up for the upcoming action-comedy Tower Heist, starring Ben Stiller. (Deadline)

Ratner’s never really done this kind of sword-and-sandals action movie before, but I suppose a guy has to learn sometime. The bad news is that judging from his output in previous franchises like X-Men: The Last Stand and Red Dragon, he might kill the Hercules myth forever. All that ancient pottery, down the drain! (Vulture)

As you probably know, MNightSchool.org is trying to raise enough money to send director M. Night Shyamalan back to film school. While the goal is $150,000, less than $400 has been raised thus far, meaning it doesn’t look like M. Night will get the education he so desperately needs. Then again, who am I to talk? I can’t even spell “desperately” without the help of my old friend “Spell Check,” so obviously, I’m not much of a righter.

At any rate, it’s a shame that the plan isn’t coming together. Perhaps sending M. Night back to school would have started a trend among sub-par directors. And like crappy Internet writers (i.e. me), there’s certainly no shortage of those. Here are five directors besides M. Night Shyamalan in desperate need of a re-education.

Kevin Smith

I like Kevin Smith, and I want to like his movies. But all things considered, James Marsh is right, and “most of them are sh*t, quite honestly.” OK, that’s too harsh. Even his worst movies have at least a few laughs. But I can’t help but wonder if Smith might be better off finishing up his film degree before starting his next project. The fact that he dropped out of film school to finance Clerks makes for a great story, but it also makes for several sub-par movies.

Brian Robbins

Robbins built up a lot of good will with his role on “Head of the Class.” Well, that’s my opinion, anyway. I’ve always been a bit of a “Head of the Class”-Head, as we hardcore fans like to be called. But he’s flushed that good will straight down the toilet with Norbit, Good Burger, and Meet Dave. But unlike the next few entries, at least no one pretends that Robbins’ movies are good.

McG

McG has made four movies. Two of them have the words “Charlie’s Angels” in the title. Of the remaining two, one drove the Terminator franchise into the ground, and the other stars Matthew McConaughey. An impressive filmography this is not. Film school would do McG good. Unfortunately, you need a first and last name to fill out the application.

Brett Rattner

Brett Rattner is the genius behind Rush Hour, a film that revolutionized the way we look at loud black men and funny talk’n foreigners. He was also behind the crap-tacular last installment of the X-Men trilogy. Granted, Red Dragon wasn’t a bad film, but given the cast and the source material, Orson Wells could have done just as well. I know he was a great director. I was being literal. Orson Wells’ corpse could have made Red Dragon.

Tyler Perry

Holy shit, where do I begin?

Film school would be a great move for Perry. In fact, any schooling would be a great move, since his GED clearly isn’t cutting it. Actually, that’s not fair. His GED is doing just fine, considering that by the time I finish typing this sentence, he’ll have made more money than I will make all year. But making profitable films and making quality films are two very different things. Diary of a Mad Black Woman might be the worst film I have ever seen. However, I will say that the ham-fisted Christian overtones did succeed in restoring my faith in a higher power. Only divin intervention can account for Perry’s success.

Which is too bad, because the source material sounds pretty interesting. A New Yorker article in 2008 examined a 2000 Polish murder investigation that went cold until a detective found some striking similarities between the crime and a book written by a Polish author. The screenplay has been drafted by The Last King of Scotland scribe Jeremy Brock, which would make for a tremendous complement to Polanski and (sigh) Ratner.

While Polanski would bring a very distinct style to the film, expect to possibly see some casting rumors here regardless of whether he signs up. There is no production timeline nor locations specified, but if Polanski jumps on board, keep your eyes on those non-extradition countries he’s so fond of. (Playlist)

Treat yourself to the first look at a still from Brett Ratner‘s upcoming Tower Heist, an ensemble comedy that can best be described as a dorkier Ocean’s Eleven. Aside from the pictured Ben Stiller, Michael Pena, Matthew Broderick, Casey Affleck, and Eddie Murphy, the film boasts Alan Alda, Téa Leoni, Gabourey Sidibe, and Judd Hirsch. The film follows a group of people that all have been swindled by a Madoff-like Alan Alda. This film could either become more than the sum of its parts or a complete trainwreck, and having Ratner at the helm doesn’t provide a lot more certainty. The good news is that Stiller appears to be playing a regular person, and not someone who is either borderline retarded or absurdly evil. But appearances can be deceiving. Audiences will find out November 4th when Tower Heist hits theaters.

While Tower Heist in up in the air, the gang behind The Hangover 2 has a solid pedigree, both critically and financially, making success theirs to lose. Here’s a still from the film, demonstrating that, yes, they are actually in Thailand. They’re sweaty and there’s a monkey. See? Thailand. Zach Galifiankis is looking a little more like a white supremacist than anything else with that shaved head, but other than that, Bradley Cooper is still the sexy one, Ed Helms still looks overwhelmed, and the baby is now a monkey. Yeah, this will make $200 million. (Playlist)

At last count, there are approximately 8,654 versions of Snow White currently in the Hollywood pipeline. Give or take. First, there’s Disney’s Snow White and the Seven, the action-driven Snow White and the Huntsman, and Brett Ratner‘s gangsta re-imagining of the classic fairy tale. Tarsem Singh (The Cell, The Immortals) drew the short straw, and will be directing Ratner’s take.

Now, don’t be concerned that this will be your grandfather’s Snow White (assuming your grandfather was always talking about Snow White) because as previously noted by Ratner, "This is not your grandfather’s Snow White." I don’t know how to break this news to my grandfather. He’s been really looking forward to our movie date. (THR)

Tower Heist keeps inching closer to becoming a movie by picking up talent left and right. Matthew Broderick is now on board to play a Wall Street suit who joins Ben Stiller in the plot to get revenge against Alan Alda’s Madoff-like character. Fake documentarian Casey Affleck is also joining up as Stiller’s best friend/voice of reason. He’ll help complicate the would-be robbery when he takes a firm stance against it. Judd Hirsch will play an unspecified role in the film. Let’s just assume he’ll play an old school New Yorker. Or a cop. Or a guy who looks like a Cookie Puss ice cream cake.

The resemblance is quite haunting. (via /Film)

^{He can’t resist a photo op.}

The 1st Assistant Camera on Brett Ratner‘s The Tower Heist had better not forget to put a long lens on the order. Precious star Gabourey Sidibe has picked up at unknown role on the film, as has "Eastbound and Down’s" very funny Michael Pena.

They’ll join Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy in the film that pits the little guy against a crooked Bernie Madoff type played by Alan Alda. Other than that, we don’t have a lot of details. But now we know that the heist most likely won’t involve taking the stairs. And before you chastise me in the comments section for making a fat joke at Sidibe’s expense, you should know it was a lazy joke at Pena’s expense. And no, not because he’s Mexican. Man, I can’t win with you guys. (Deadline)

^{From that time all these guys were in Paris together.}

Trying to break up his stint of accepting bad movie roles, Eddie Murphy has decided to appear in a bad movie role that won’t require a fat suit. Not to be worn by him at least. Murphy will be joining Ben Stiller in Brett Ratner‘s Tower Heist.

This the second time that Murphy was attached to this film. He was the initial star years ago while it was in development. He passed, then Chris Rock passed, and then Chris Tucker passed. Then Ben Stiller (the next logical choice) took over the role. No word yet on which supporting character Murphy will play, but I’ve got a good feeling that Ben Stiller will learn the consequences of touching his radio. (EW)

For years, I’ve been saying that Brett Ratner is a damn communist, and for years my allegations have fallen on deaf ears. But now, I finally have the proof I need to bring down this pinko once and for all.

Ratner is set to direct The Reluctant Communist, the story about Charles Robert Jenkins, a U.S. Army soldier who ended up spending 40-years as a "prisoner" in North Korea after "drunkenly" deserting during the Korean War. While "imprisoned," Jenkins was "forced" to act in North Korean propaganda films and became a national celebrity, usually playing the evil American. There are worse ways to spend a 40-year prison term. Why do I keep thinking of the scene where they first thaw out Austin Powers?

Basil Exposition: Austin, the Cold War is over!
Austin Powers: Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh?
Basil Exposition: Austin… we won.
Austin Powers: Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!

At any rate, hopefully Ratner will do some on-site research in North Korea very soon. (Variety)

After letting Tower Heist sit on the shelf for almost four years, Universal has given it the green light with Ben Stiller starring, Brett Ratner directing, and Imagine’s Brian Grazer producing. Because if anyone can make a project work that hasn’t been working, it’s the mastermind behind X-Men 3. Deadline has the deets:

Ben Stiller stars as the overworked manager of a luxury building who, along with other staff, lost their pensions to a Bernie Madoff-like Wall Street crook. It so happens that the fraudster is being held under house arrest in the luxury penthouse apartment upstairs, and the manager and four cohorts figure a heist will make them whole.

Bumbling, inept idiots try to pull off a major heist. Have we not seen this concept countless times already? And not that I have anything against Stiller, but I don’t understand why he’d want to play this type of character again. He’s already been a bumbling security guard twice in the Night at the Museum movies, and a bumbling (insert occupation) in almost everything else. Now he’s relying on Ratner to save a stale concept. Unless that concept is a cupcake, I’m not seeing him succeeding.

Brett Ratner is getting in the spy game. Ratner bought the film rights to "The Unknowns," a comic book written by Mark A. Altman ("DOA: Dead Or Alive"), Steve Kriozere ("NCIS") and model/actress Monica Olsen.

The comic tells the story of a woman who learns she was once the leader of an elite team called the Unknowns. She rejoins the team to learn who or what erased her memories and why. That definitely seems like it has movie potential. Hard to say what attracted Ratner to the project. Is he a fan of DOA, "NCIS", or model/actress Monica Olsen’s talents.

We may never know. (Variety)