In a push to offer more scripted fare, Bravo has announced it will be adapting the black comedy Heathers into a TV series, picking up 20 years after the original, in a time where Veronica (Winona Ryder’s character) has a daughter of her own and moves back to Sherwood.

The daughter will be fending for herself against the Ashleys, the daughters of all the Heathers from the originals. The concept of an elitest group of Ashleys might sound familiar because they appeared in the awesome Disney cartoon Recess, but their presence may have been a nod to Heathers, so I really don’t know what to believe anymore.

Whatever keeps housewives off the air is cool with me, I guess.

When the film premiered in 2001, it featured a dozen or so thirty year-old actors playing sixteen year-olds. Now, Showalter says those same actors will be playing sixteen year-olds at the age of forty. That could be kind of funny.

While Wet Hot American Summer didn’t really pop up on anyone’s radar at the time of its release, the cult following enjoyed by members of The State and Stella ensured that the film would enjoy a long, healthy quoted life after its theatrical run.

Universal has expressed reluctance at following up on the property, given that it’s only known and loved by a small percentage of the population, but someone wouldn’t say something they didn’t mean on Bravo, would they?

No.

Yep, 29 years.

The last time Project Runway host Tim Gunn got dirty with another person, the Iran-Contra affair was still four years off. Ronald Reagan was a new president.

He said that the celibacy was brought about by a previous relationship that, in conjunction with the rising threat of AIDS in the gay community, just sorta turned him off of sex for the next thirty years or so.

Perhaps if we took our filthy minds off of sex for a scant thirty years, we would be able to write that novel we kept putting off, start that artisanal granola company that we’ve always dreamed of, or maybe even get popular catch phrase like “Make it work.”

My catch phrase would be “GIMME A HANDJOB!”

See? Catchy!

While I appreciate Anderson Cooper’s strong anti-Kardashian stance, I take issue with his edict for two reasons. One: The Bravo host specifically asked for only ONE person who would be banned from Anderson! (again, exclamation point mine), but Cooper bent the rules to accomodate his personal politics. You know who else bent rules to accomodate at the convenience of his own beliefs? If you do, please leave his name in the comments for a special Screen Junkies prize.

Reason two: Anderson Cooper is so quick to judge the Kardashian clan over their fame-whoring, which I completely agree with, but refuses to turn the microscope on himself to examine the wrongs he’s perpetrating across the country and possibly the world. Namely, he’s making honest, Christian straight men go gay with his good looks, nonchalant charm, and terrific wardrobe. Specifically, he’s making me question my sexuality, and I’m sure I’m not alone here. (If you count among the straight men going gay for Anderson Cooper, again, put your name in the comments to be eligible for a special Screen Junkies prize.)

I don’t want to harp on his any longer than I already have, but Cooper should ban HIMSELF from his new show, Anderson, (my exclamation point omitted because I’m incredibly angry with him right now).

Okay. So maybe that’s a bit extreme. One thing we do know is that the coverage of her pregnancy is certain to be nauseating. Much like these five pregnancy-centric reality shows.

16 and Pregnant

If there’s one mission that 16 and Pregnant has achieved, it’s raising the awareness that it’s hilarious when fat people hit one another. Also, pregnancy is bad. Never get pregnant. But seriously. It may seem insensitive to laugh after heavyset-on-heavyset violence, but I counter that accusation with this:

I rest my case.

Pregnant in Heels

Bravo‘s Pregnant in Heels follows Maternity Concierge Rosie Pope as she helps entitled, expectant New York caricatures and their effeminate husbands trick out their nurseries and obtain other assorted baby needs. Just don’t go to her with any spell check needs.

Scott Baio Is 46… and Pregnant

Don’t let the banner image fool you. Scott Baio is 46… and Pregnant is not about Chachi’s Thomas Beatie-esque attempts to father a child himself. It focuses more on his selfish fear and adjustment to the idea of having to wake up early and have a baby touching his stuff with all of its baby germs. Who can blame him? I’d be pissed too to find Honey Nut Cheerios in my humidor.

The Rachel Zoe Project

I’ll admit that I have never watched The Rachel Zoe Project. But when I began researching this article and asking around she was everyone’s first recommendation for nauseating pregnant reality stars. Strength in numbers.

Tori & Dean: Inn Love

Tori & Dean: Inn Lovefollows the couple as they eagerly search for a way to spend the inheritance she netted from her estranged, dead father. Well, at least it has likable characters at its center. The first season follows the expectant couple as they search for a bed and breakfast to fix up and make terrible with their presence. By season two, they were no longer enamored with the notion of working for a living and returned to the limelight of Hollywood having successful spun her inheritance into more wealth and fame.

This season’s bizarrely random smattering of special guests includes: Charlize Theron, Pee-wee Herman, Cat Cora, John Besh, Tim Love and Patti LaBelle. Do you think the contestants will find themselves pandering to Pee-wee’s well-documented love of porcini mushrooms?

I’m kidding. I have no idea if Pee-wee Herman likes porcini mushrooms.

Host Padma Lakshmi and Judges Tom Colicchio and Gail Simmons will be joined by chefs Emeril Lagasse and Hugh Acheson.

Can a humorless host please synopsize the upcoming season in a meaningless sound byte?

“Just like Texas, this will be our biggest season ever,” said head judge Tom Colicchio.

Thanks, Tom.

Here is a list of the hopefuls. I recognize none of the names and three of the restaurants. See if you can beat me!

Nyesha Arrington, 28 –  Los Angeles, Calif., Wilshire Restaurant.
Lindsay Autry, 29 – West Palm Beach, Fla., Omphoy Ocean Resort &Michelle Bernstein
Jonathan Baltazar, 36 – Long Beach, Calif., Heights Cuisine.
Ty-Lör Boring, 34 – Brooklyn, N.Y.,  Spasso
Molly Brandt, 30 – Hollywood, Fla., Allure of the Seas for Royal Caribbean
Chaz Brown, 29 – New York, N.Y., Fatty Crab
Kimberly Calichio, 27 – New York, N.Y.,  Fishtail by David Burke
Beverly Kim, 31 – Chicago, Ill., Aria Restaurant
Chris Crary, 29 – Los Angeles, Calif., Whist Restaurant in the Viceroy Hotel
Andrew Curren, 32 – Austin, Texas 24 Diner
Berenice deAraujo, 33 – Miami, Fla., Sra. Martinez
Janine Falvo, 37 – Atlanta, Ga., Briza Restaurant
Richie Farina, 28 – Chicago, Ill., MOTO
Sarah Grueneberg, 29 – Chicago, Ill., Spiaggia
Chris Jones, 30 – Chicago, Ill., MOTO
Edward Lee, 38 – Louisville, Ky., 610 Magnolia
Whitney Otawka, 30 – Cumberland Island, Ga., Greyfield Inn
Simon Pantet, 30 – Seattle, Wash., Twenty-Two Doors
Colin Patterson, 37 – Seattle, Wash., Sutra
Laurent Quenioux, 51 – Los Angeles, Calif., Vertical Wine Bistro
Paul Qui, 30 – Austin, Texas, Uchiko Restaurant
Keith Rhodes, 39 – Wilmington, N.C., Catch Restaurants
Grayson Schmitz, 27 – New York, N.Y., Exec. Chef
Tyler Stone, 22 – Sacramento, Calif., Personal Chef
Heather Terhune, 39 – Chicago, Ill., Sable Kitchen and Bar
Chuy Valencia, 25 – Chicago, Ill., Chilam Bilam
Nina Vicente, 29 – Seattle, Wash., Spur Gastropub
Ashley Villaluz, 25 – Seattle, Wash., Sous Chef
Dakota Weiss , 35 – Los Angeles, Calif., 9:30 Restaurant and The Backyard

If the list seems long to you, you’re not alone. They have increased the field from 16 to 29, though only 16 will be making it to Texas. Why are they doing this? Who the hell knows. Probably some sort of “bigger is better” philosophy because they’re in Texas and everything is bigger in Texas. Like the size of the list of mentally retarded people they execute. That’s huge.

Last night’s episode of “Top Chef” was a sad indictment on the American educational system. The five remaining contestants were whisked away to the Bahamas where the remainder of the season will take place. After the Quick Fire Challenge, judge Tom Colicchio informed the group that Elimination Challenge would involve cooking for “Bahamian royalty,” and the chefs seemed genuinely excited at the prospect. After all, who wouldn’t be? Me.

Now, I’m not exactly a member of the foreign service, but when you start talking about a royal family for a country that’s 50 miles off the U.S. coast, it catches my attention. Shouldn’t I have heard of the King and Queen of the Bahamas at some point in my life? More importantly, how does a former colony in the Americas end up with their own king? Unfortunately, the chefs never thought to ask these questions, and went about preparing for their royal engagement, only to find out they’d been duped. There is no Bahamian royal family (GASP!), and the meal was for the “King of the Junkanoo” at a tiny restaurant. In short, they prepared a meal for royalty, but they ended up serving commoners.

Now, the fact that none of the five chefs knew that there is no king or queen in the Bahamas is bad. I hope maybe someone did, and it was edited out by the producers. But that’s irrelevant. This is a cooking show, not a social studies class. Why should Antonia be punished because she didn’t pay attention in school? More importantly, what purpose did the trick serve? I know improvisation is an important skill for chefs, but there’s a difference between having to adapt to a situation and having to scramble because you were lied to. The entire situation may have been entertaining to watch, but at the end of the day, it didn’t help in determining who is the better chef.

Throughout the season, the chefs have been asked to participate in numerous challenges that have had absolutely nothing to do with their culinary skill. For example, in episode 10, they were told to create a meal for the employees of a Target using only ingredients and cookware found in the store itself. Granted, this challenge had some redeeming value, as it showed the chefs ability to think outsid the box and work with ingredients on hand, but it was still disappointing to see Angelo go home for salty soup. Of course it was salty! All the food came from Target.

A similar example came from episode 12, when the contestants had to make a meal using only items from the Ellis Island ferryboat. When “Top Chefs” are reduced to boiling hot dogs and mixing popcorn with fruit, what does that prove? Nothing, but at least this was only a Quick Fire.

Perhaps the worst example was from episode 6, where the participants were split up into groups and taken out on chartered fishing tours in order to catch the meal they would be cooking that evening. Granted, it’s important for a chef to know his or her ingredients, but this was ridiculous. One’s ability to catch a fish does not reflect on one’s ability to cook it. If someone had came up empty, would they have been sent home? That’s like sending Tom Brady home from the playoffs because he can’t kill a pig and tan it’s skin for a football. Apparently, the producers disagree, since the previews for next week’s episode show the remaining chefs diving for shellfish. If I wanted to watch “Deadliest Catch,” I’d have DVR’ed “Deadliest Catch.” I want to watch “Top Chef,” damn it.

Sadly, when it comes to tricks and gimmicks, the contestants aren’t the only ones being set up. In episode 12, it was the audience who got punked. After sitting through an entire hour of nonsense involving family histories and personal journeys, the judges were “unable” to reach an agreement because all the dishes were so spectacular. Give me break. This culinary miracle just happened to take place on the most contrived, overly emotional episode of the season, when family members of each contestant were in attendance? How convenient.

From what I’ve read, there won’t be any double eliminations in the remaining episodes, which is strange. TV schedules are decided months in advance, but I suppose the producers and the network just said, “Sure, what the hell? We can do an extra episode on short notice. No biggie. Oh, now we’re flying five people to the Bahamas instead of four? Great!” Even if I’m all wrong, and I’m just being a cynical bastard (which is entirely possible), that’s no excuse. This isn’t the Special Olympics! They aren’t all winners. If they honestly all did that great of a job, do an elimination Quick Fire and send someone packing. If no one goes home, it’s no longer a competition, and I just wasted an hour of my time watching assholes cook for no reason. That’s what the Food Network is for. This is Bravo. I want blood!

People watch “Top Chef” because it’s smarter than its competitors, and it doesn’t traffic in manufactured drama. I’m not going to stop watching anytime soon. And the fact that it’s taken eight seasons for me to get pissed off speaks volumes. Keeping a show fresh is difficult, and for the most part, the producers have done a spectacular job. But these recent gimmicks and pointless challenges aren’t going to do the show any favors in the long run. After all, the road to “Hell’s Kitchen” is paved with good intentions.

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