Cold sausage, bowel movements, bowling trophies, Dracula puppets, and a bikini-clad Kristen Bell. If more than one of these turns you on, you’ve got issues my friend. Tonight’s TV preview will try not to judge you.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

HELL’S KITCHEN
Network: FOX
Time: 8-9PM

Reasons to watch: The contestants are challenged with making perfectly-proportioned 6-inch sausages. At dinner service, Drew Lachey, John O’Hurley, Tom Green, Melinda Clarke, Chris "Kid" Reid and Kristy Swanson are served cold and salty food. Naturally Gordon Ramsey is not happy. How dare you serve Kristy Swanson salty, cold sausage!

CLASSIC BOWLING: 2007: PBA MOTOR CITY CLASSIC
Network: ESPN Classic
Time: 9-10PM

Reasons to watch: I’m sure that you’ll never forget November 4th, 2007 as Walter Ray Williams Jr. took home the prize in Taylor, Michigan. I know I certainly won’t. It was like watching The Almighty himself out there on them lanes and the reason I named my little girl Walter Ray Williams Jr. Johnson.

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL
Network: Cinemax
Time: 10PM-12AM

Reasons to watch: If you’re a fan of Freaks and Geeks, you’ve known for a long time how talented Jason Segel is. In fact, most of his follow-up work has been on-par as well. The Segel-scripted Sarah Marshall is no exception. Fair warning: it does feature schlong. How much? More than Risky Business, less than Amistad. You’ll survive.
 

SOUTH PARK
Network: COMEDY CENTRAL
Time: 10:30-11PM

Reasons to watch: Tonight’s episode of the Emmy Award Winning series is titled More Crap. The story follows Stan’s dad as he sets a record for his impressive bowel movement. Not one to be upstaged when it comes to awards, U2′s Bono throws his goofy cowboy hat into the ring. This is a fantastic dressing-down of Bono. How dare he try to help the world?

WHO’S ON LATE?

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Jonah Hill, Kelly Clarkson

CONAN
Jeremy Piven, human cannonballs

KIMMEL
Ashton Kutcher, Nigel Lythgoe

FERGUSON
Tony Shalhoub, Minka Kelly

FALLON
Channing Tatum, Joan Rivers, Arctic Monkeys