Speaking of sour tastes in our mouths, we at Screen Junkies would like to go totally off topic and present, with limited commentary, a list of previous Oscar hosts who have never picked up any transvestites or transsexuals prostitutes, even if it was just to give them a ride home. I assure you, we are running this list randomly, and it has absolutely nothing to do with today’s Oscar hosting announcement.

In fact, we were supposed to run this list like two months ago, but it got stuck in someone’s outbox, and the IT guy was supposed to fix it, but he had a bit of a health scare (non-Hodgkins lymphoma). Don’t worry, he’s fine now and living on a houseboat with his grandmother in Chesapeake. Anyway, we finally got around to sorting it all out with our new IT dude, Craig, who actually seems like a pretty solid dude.

It’s funny, though, that we got this sorted out right when a new host was announced, isn’t it? Weird. At any rate, here are seven Oscar hosts who never picked up a tranny late at night under suspicious circumstances, or at all, for that matter.

7. Bob Hope

I heard that if the FAA finds out you paid for tranny sex, they take your airport away. So if it was discovered that Bob Hope had picked up a tranny hooker, people from Burbank and Pasadena would have to go all the way up to LAX, which is already kind of a nightmare. If Hope had picked up a tranny (which he didn’t), it would have the same impact on Southern California travel that 9/11 did.

6. Frank Sinatra

Transvestites were perhaps the only thing that Sinatra didn’t sleep with. And men. Ring-a-ding-ding, kitten.

5. Johnny Carson

You know what would happen if you cut open Johnny Carson? Apple pies, G.I. Joes, and a transistor radio playing a 1962 Giants-Dodgers game would spill out of him. No tranny hookers for this guy.

Ed McMahon, however, once drunkenly dry-humped a male Cabbage Patch Kid in 1985. Not sure why I brought that up.

OK. I lied about the Ed McMahon thing.

Russell is best known as Marilyn Monroe‘s pal-around gal in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, but she was no second banana in the boob department: my favorite of the departments. Bob Hope once said that “Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands” and referred to her as “the two and only Jane Russell.” When your breasts can best be described in “zing” form, you’re probably doing okay.

Russell died at 89 in her Santa Monica home. (Cinematical)

She was big fan of haystacks.