Are you telling me this wife is so lazy that she won’t even blow her own husband on his birthday? COME ON!

Read the story, because it’s pretty funny and interesting (link above). However, if you want some fun out-of-context quotes, try these:

“Do whores prefer eyeliner or just mascara with a pinch of shadow?”

“In fact, to me, she kind of resembled one of those little island pygmies from Gulliver’s Travels.”

“…I got the impression it was in the hooker handbook not to accept drinks on the job.”

“Oh my god I am a monster!”

And my all time favorite…

“The bronzed buxom beauty climbed up on my husband, fastened a condom over his semi erect penis and went to work.”

Remember when you used to wake up in the morning, a song in your heart and twinkle in your eye because you had never thought about Jason Biggs‘ “semi erect penis?” Those days are over.

Also, a blowjob with a condom? For his birthday? COME ON!