It was not five minutes into the telecast, during Billy Crystal‘s inevitable musical number. It was when he was shown on a bike, playing the young Belgian journalist Tintin from Steven Spielberg‘s The Adventures of Tintin. Ick. Yuck. Gross. Since last night’s telecast, I have found that image coming to mind countless times in all sorts of contexts, which is troubling, because normally I only recall terrible images in one specific context, like Kathy Bates‘ breasts in the hot tub from About Schmidt. Now, I’m imagining myriad troubling scenarios like Billy Crystal-Tintin and I walking into a parking garage, only Billy Crystal-Tintin grabs my arm and reminds me to get my parking validated.

Or we go back to his place late-night, and he’s shaking a martini behind the bar, but his gaze remains fixed on me for just a few seconds too long. It’s far more troubling than other image I’ve gleaned from the world of entertainment. Though it’s hardly an exhaustive list, here are a few images that are less troubling than Billy Crystal made up as Tintin.

The Wizard of Oz Focus Group

This bit was a welcome oasis in a desert of Crystaline humor. When they offered the heavy-handed introduction to the skit, I let out a slow audible groan, which was quickly silenced when it became apparent that the troupe tasked with the short were the Christopher Guest players. I’m guessing Parker Posey was in the hospital or something.

Though the skit wasn’t actually that funny by CGP standards, the novelty of seeing these guys gave it a big leg up over the things that came before and after it. Plus, seeing Fred Willard harp on monkeys like some sort of speed freak was almost worth the price of admission all by itself.

Nick Nolte’s Transformation into Rooster Cogburn

One of the best features of Oscar night is your ability to check back in with stars that often manage to stay out of the public eye during their normal lives. For example, Chris Rock. I saw Chris Rock and was surprised by how different he looks. I didn’t see the Ike Turner look coming, so that was a pleasant surprise.

However, Chris Rocks appearance paled in comparison to Nick Nolte’s, who looks like he killed three men on the way to his seat. Also, the slitty little eyes add an element of mystery to a guy who is known to take GHB and just be generally crazy. Crystal’s “mind reading” gimmick fell flat, save for his insight into Nolte’s psyche, which only revealed, “Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.” I was half expecting to see Nolte recreationally gnawing on a dead, intact rabbit, but I guess the camera never caught that part.

After Thousands spent on vet bills by his trainer, Omar Von Miller, has determined that Uggie’s condition is neurological, leading me to believe that this dog simply doesn’t want to perform with Billy Crystal. I suffered from a similar neurological shaking disorder when I saw City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold, and also when I saw a preview for Forget Paris. Knowing that you’re going to have to actually perform his schtick in person, with him, live, must be even more horrifying.

We wish Uggie a fast and safe recovery. Hang in there, Uggs! Vulture

Oscar producer #2: Definitely Josh Duhamel and Megan Fox. I saw my son watching Las Vegas once. Who do old viewers like?

Oscar producers #3-#16 (in unison): BILLY CRYSTAL AND ROBIN WILLIAMS.

Oscar producer #1 (who also happens to be Vinnie Jones‘ agent): Ok. I heard “Billy Crystal,” “Robin Williams,” and I’m going to go ahead and toss Vinnie Jones in there too. I think a few people said “Vinnie Jones.”

And that’s presumably how we got this Oscar trailer, which features no fresh faces or ideas, but rather plays to the conception that Billy Crystal is some sort of long-retired Oscar guru, instead of some aged comedian that wasn’t funny enough to host anymore until Brett Ratner got all homophobic at a screening.

Well, (bland) mission (bland) accomplished!

In this 2012 Academy Awards trailer, we get a gag that seems to have come straight out of Bruce Vilanch’s ass (gross). The goal of this trailer is certainly to generate excitement for Billy Crystal’s hosting gig at the 2012. This proves to be a fool’s errand, as it’s simply impossible to get excited about anything Billy Crystal does these days. Clearly, his selection is a backlash against Franco and Hathaway’s poorly-received turn last year, but at least people talked about the Oscars the following days.

When people try to talk about the Oscars following the telecast on Sunday February 27th, plain oatmeal will ooze out their mouths and dribble down their chins.

Which, admittedly, will be the funniest thing about the Oscars this year.

Nonetheless, they’re not only a more inspired choice than Billy Crystal, but a better one. With Billy Crystal, we will get effectively, the same ceremony we did in 1990. And 1991. And 1992. And 1993. Then again in 1997. Then in 1998. Once again in 2000. Then once more in 2004.

Well, it’s all moot since Billy got the call, so this list is somewhat masturbatory, as it always is with me and The Muppets. Even so, here’s why the Muppets were the better choice.

The Muppets Haven’t Hosted Before

Billy Crystal has hosted eight times. We know what we’ll be in for. We’re going to get 10,000 Bruce Vilanch-penned jokes about Helen Mirren being a slut, or Samuel L. Jackson asking out Dakota Fanning. They will be moderately funny, very familiar, and ultimately unremarkable.

With The Muppets, we could get watered-down, mass-marketed puppet humor. Or we could see Miss Piggy make a joke about Eddie Murphy banging out a tranny. Or we could see Beaker get handsy with Jude Law to the point Law has to awkwardly tell a puppet to stop grabbing him.

That last one probably wouldn’t happen with Billy Crystal, but if someone could guarantee it, I’d be fine with Crystal hosting.

The Muppets Look More Human Than Billy Crystal Does

David Gest called. He wants his visage back!

Billy Crystal Has Dropped Off The Radar

Crystals last feature-length film in which he was more than a voice was in 2002. Boo! And it was Analyze That. BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

With the criticism of the Oscars last year, everyone was expecting the tightasses at the Academy to swing back the other way. I mean, after Nipplegate, the following year’s Superbowl halftime show was Paul McCartney. Well, people didn’t count on the human wild card that is AMPAS president Tom Sherak. He went with Eddie Murphy, and people were actually talking about the Oscars seven months before they occurred.

Well, with the fallout from Brett Ratner’s exit, it would be easy to say “screw it” and unfreeze Billy Crystal for 24 hours to host. But it would be wildly counterproductive to the Academy’s stated cause of reaching out to a younger generation. Hiring Crystal says, “We tried young people last year. It didn’t work. We’re going back to what people like until all the people that like it die.”

At CinemaCon, the true animation domination-ers at Pixar officially announced the Monsters Inc. sequel will be called Monster University. Monsters Inc. is my favorite Pixar movie, so I’m excited that we’ll get another outing with our favorite scream team, even in I am wary of Pixar sequels. Are you excited about Cars 2? Cause it can drive itself into a river for all I care.

The story is supposedly about how Mike Wazowski (Billy Crystal) and James P. Sullivan (John Goodman) began as college rivals at the University of Fear. Both actors are coming back, because besides sopping up our nostalgia for his Oscar hosting days, what else is Billy Crystal up to? The film has a release date scheduled for November 2^nd, 2012.

One thing that intrigues me is that the “college movie” genre is typically very loosely structured and gag based, which is very different from Pixar’s tightly crafted narratives and character arcs. My first guess is that this will probably not feel like a G-rated Animal House, Old School or Revenge of the Nerds. Then again, maybe the Pixar crew wants to cut loose and down a keg? Either way, I will pledge Pixar House. (Collider)