Why are we writing about the 25 greatest bikini scenes in cinema history? I’m glad you asked. As it happens, March is Women’s History Month, so I’ve decided to celebrate the occasion the only way I know how: by sitting around in my underwear and objectifying females. In all fairness, these women objectified themselves, and I’m simply compiling the list.

25. Tara Reid – The Big Lebowski

Tara Reid’s role as Bunny Lebowski occurred when she was still hot, well before the whole “Franken-Nipple” incident. And the fact that The Big Lebowski is such an iconic film ensured this scene would make the list. How can we turn down a character who utters the line “I’ll suck your c*ck for a thousand dollars.”

24. Angelina Jolie – Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life

As hot as Angelina Jolie is, she’s appeared in very few Bikini scenes. Luckily, Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life is an exception, or else the film would have no redeeming value.

23. Bridget Fonda – Jackie Brown

Jackie Brown is an often overlooked film. But there’s no overlooking Bridget Fonda in this bikini. (You see what I did there?). The fact that she never takes off her jean shorts is more than made up for by the awesomeness of her bikini top. Unfortunately, her character gets shot to death. What a waste.

22. Jessica Biel – Stealth

I hate to use the film Stealth in a list of “greatest” anything. This Jamie Fox turd is beyond horrible. But at the end of the day, those titties don’t lie.

21. Eliza Dushku – Bring It On

Eliza Dushku is really hot in Bring It On, but I feel creepy watching since it’s about high school cheerleaders. Maybe I’d feel better if I tried watching with my pants on.

20. Demi Moore – Charlie’s Angels 2

Demi Moore is a testament to the power of modern medical science. Nowhere is this more apparent than in “Charlie’s Angels 2,” where the then 39-year-old actress looked better than costars that were less than twice her age. Normally I think plastic surgery is cheating, but I can’t argue with Demi’s results.

19. Virginie Ledoyen – The Beach

The Beach is an awful film, but Virginie Ledoyen almost makes up for it. Her breasts were much more entertaining than Leo’s infamous “Videogame Scene.”

18. Victoria Silvstedt – Boat Trip

Only breasts could possible portray the film Boat Trip in a positive light. Thanks to Victoria Silvstedt, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Horatio Sanz weren’t the two biggest boobs in the film.

17. Kate Bosworth – Blue Crush

Do you like surfers? Do you like tits? Then you’ll love Blue Crush…well, parts of it, anyway. Specifically, Kate Bosworth in a bikini. And once you’re done “enjoying” that aspect of the film, the plot itself will help lull you to sleep for a nice post-masturbatory nap.

16. Kelly Brook – Piranha 3-D

Piranha 3D is a great film, provided you enjoy violence and breasts. When a group of prehistoric piranha are released into an Arizona lake popular among college students on sprin break, bikini clad vixens like Brook end up as lunch.

15. Riley Steele – Piranha 3-D

We can’t mention Kelly Brook without including Riley Steele. She’s one of the few (although ever increasing) adult-film stars who have made the leap to the mainstream. Of course, by mainstream, I mean borderline softcore porn like Piranha 3-D. But even so, great job.

14. Cameron Diaz – Charlie’s Angels 2

I hear Cameron Diaz doesn’t look that great in person. Luckily, she looks just fine in this bikini scene from Charlie’s Angels 2.

13. Nicollette Sheridan – The Sure Thing

I’ve never seen “The Sure Thing,” so I can’t really comment on it. Deal with it.

12. Jessica Alba – Into the Blue

There are better shots of Jessica Alba in a bikini, but none from an actual film. Therefore, this scene from Into the Blue will have to suffice. The film features shipwrecks, sharks, and cocaine. Too bad Alba’s ass is still the most memorable part.

11. Denise Richards – Wild Things

I’m sure the lesbianism that takes place in this scene makes the bikini seem even hotter, as well it should. Richards played a high-school girl involved with a three-way love triangle with her teacher and a fellow student. Is it any wonder she ended up married to Charlie Sheen?

10. Ali Larter – Varsity Blues

I owe this high-school football drama a bit of gratitude. God bless Ali Larter for introducing the phrase “whip-cream bikini” into my vocabulary. Not that I will ever get a chance to experience one, but a boy can dream.

9. Halle Barry – Die Another Day

Halle Barry’s turn as a Bond Girl was hot, but it’s basically a carbon copy of another entry on this list. Even so, watching her come out of the water is a site to behold.

8. Jessica Simpson – Dukes of Hazzard

Remember when Jessica Simpson was hot? This will jog your memory. Simspon took the classic role of Daisy Duke and made it her own. And while the role is usually associated with short jean shorts, Jessica might be better remembered for he bikini.

7. Brooklyn Decker – Go With It

This Brooklyn Decker bikini scene from Go With It is the most recent entry on the list. But truth be told, it has to be one of the hottest. Too bad this Adam Sandler film is garbage, or a few years from now it could have ranked at the top of this list.

6. Brigitte Bardot – And God Created Woman

And God Created Woman helped bring bikinis into the mainstream. In the film, Brigitte Bardot is so hot, you probably didn’t even notice that the picture is in black and white. Oh, you did notice? That’s cool. There’s no shame in being gay.

5. Phoebe Cates – Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Phoebe Cates famous bikini scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High is also one of the funniest parts of the film. Much more so than that abortion scene toward the end.

4. Salma Hayek – From Dusk Till Dawn

Salma Hayek’s breasts are damn near perfect. But back when she was younger, they were perfect! God bless you, From Dusk Till Dawn. Vampire or not, I’d take a chance with Salma. It’s worth the risk.

3. Raquel Welch – One Million Years B.C.

Raquel Welch in a bikini is hot enough. Seeing her in a bikini made out of some sort of dead, prehistoric animal is even better.

2. Ursula Andress – Doctor No

This iconic Bond girl set the standard for bikinis in cinema. Her beach scene in Dr. No paved the way for all the Bond Girls to follow, including the aforementioned Halle Barry.

1. ??????? – ???? ??? ??? ????

She’s not the hottest woman on the list, but as far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing more iconic than ######## in a ###### bikini. If you disagree, go screw a ########.

Cold sausage, bowel movements, bowling trophies, Dracula puppets, and a bikini-clad Kristen Bell. If more than one of these turns you on, you’ve got issues my friend. Tonight’s TV preview will try not to judge you.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

HELL’S KITCHEN
Network: FOX
Time: 8-9PM

Reasons to watch: The contestants are challenged with making perfectly-proportioned 6-inch sausages. At dinner service, Drew Lachey, John O’Hurley, Tom Green, Melinda Clarke, Chris "Kid" Reid and Kristy Swanson are served cold and salty food. Naturally Gordon Ramsey is not happy. How dare you serve Kristy Swanson salty, cold sausage!

CLASSIC BOWLING: 2007: PBA MOTOR CITY CLASSIC
Network: ESPN Classic
Time: 9-10PM

Reasons to watch: I’m sure that you’ll never forget November 4th, 2007 as Walter Ray Williams Jr. took home the prize in Taylor, Michigan. I know I certainly won’t. It was like watching The Almighty himself out there on them lanes and the reason I named my little girl Walter Ray Williams Jr. Johnson.

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL
Network: Cinemax
Time: 10PM-12AM

Reasons to watch: If you’re a fan of Freaks and Geeks, you’ve known for a long time how talented Jason Segel is. In fact, most of his follow-up work has been on-par as well. The Segel-scripted Sarah Marshall is no exception. Fair warning: it does feature schlong. How much? More than Risky Business, less than Amistad. You’ll survive.
 

SOUTH PARK
Network: COMEDY CENTRAL
Time: 10:30-11PM

Reasons to watch: Tonight’s episode of the Emmy Award Winning series is titled More Crap. The story follows Stan’s dad as he sets a record for his impressive bowel movement. Not one to be upstaged when it comes to awards, U2′s Bono throws his goofy cowboy hat into the ring. This is a fantastic dressing-down of Bono. How dare he try to help the world?

WHO’S ON LATE?

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Jonah Hill, Kelly Clarkson

CONAN
Jeremy Piven, human cannonballs

KIMMEL
Ashton Kutcher, Nigel Lythgoe

FERGUSON
Tony Shalhoub, Minka Kelly

FALLON
Channing Tatum, Joan Rivers, Arctic Monkeys

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