But here we are in the middle of July with not a single cat fight. Even Mariah Carey is playing nice with Janet Jackson! So, we went ahead and charted out the Diva War, blow by blow, to determine who’ll be box office champion of the weekend! Actually, it’s pretty obvious Brüno’s gonna sweep the floor with Hayden’s alabaster locks, but let’s give each side a fair shake.

Here you are, the scientific breakdown of each person’s worth (sums it up well):

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Regardless of your deviance, we can all agree that Hayden grew up from this…

All the way into this very attractive and very legal woman.    

In honor of Miss Panettiere starring in I Love You, Beth Cooper this Friday, let’s follow her career path starting with her breakout role and see how Hayden’s… ahem… developed.

"HEROES"

The show that made her a star. Hayden plays badass Claire Bennet, the cheerleader who can take anything, and we mean anything. If she can fall off a bridge and pop her shoulder back into place, imagine the things you could do if you were having sex with her on that bridge.  And then imagine what you would have to pop back into place.

THE ARCHITECT 

In this drama, Hayden plays a teen confused and enarmored with her changing female body. A chance to showcase her acting chops? Possibly. A chance to showcase some skin? Definitely. But it’s of course because the work requires it. 

NEUTROGENA COMMERCIAL 

Sure, it looks like soap, but it also looks like something else.

^{And it’s all over her hands and her face.}

You think these commercials are for girls? Think again. They’re to convince boys to buy their girlfriends facewash, and Hayden is behind the conspiracy.

BRING IT ON: ALL OR NOTHING 

Hayden krumping. HAYDEN. KRUMPING. Need I say more? She’s a white blond girl and she’s krumping. Krumping?! And the weird dubbing makes it even creepier.

CANDIES PHOTOSHOOT

You gotta love the dirty little photoshoots they always get these young ingenues to dress like slutty school girls.  By the way, Chris Hansen is still standing behind you.  He’s doing the crossword puzzle in his paper waiting for you to play the next clip.

"WAKE UP CALL" MUSIC VIDEO 

The inevitable music video. Every hot, young, famous actress has to cut a record. And what’s really weird is that they all sound the same. But Hayden does don enough dark eyeliner in the video to make me question her morals, so that’s cool.

I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER 

So far this is as close as we’re getting to seeing some frontal nudity from Hayden. Maybe if that right role comes around that really challenges her as an actress and the nude scene is crucial to the story then she’ll take it all off. But until then we have to deal with staged-boob-blockage and frustrating back skin. 

– IAN SOBEL

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