My favorite parts:

- Stark firing his glove as a gun while also firing an actual gun

- Gwyneth Paltrow hanging out around explosions in a sports bra

- The Mandarin talking like Toby Radloff from American Splendor

- Iron Man‘s army
May 4th!

• Iron Man posing in new armor
• Helicopters
• Gwyneth Paltrow taking a dump
• The back of Ben Kingsley‘s head

Not exactly riveting (though it is refreshing to see the sequel acknowledge that everybody poops). So, instead of posting the short tease, I’m posting the new poster and photos that show far more. Including a good look at Ben Kingsley as The Mandarin. You see the front of his face and everything. (EW)

When he’s not mangling idioms, Flula can be found making obscure references to “Sister Greta” and Throw Momma From The Train. Oh, and if you make it to the end, you get Anna Faris, who’s way better looking than these other two dudes. Sorry, Sir Ben and Jason.

In the film, Baron Cohen stars in dual roles. One, as a heroic dictator who risks life and limb to ensure that democracy never comes to the country he rules over with an iron fist. The other, a goat herder. His Hugo Cabret bro (HuBRO CaBRO?) Ben Kingsley will play a Middle Eastern character who “factors into the plot.” Oh good. I’d be really let down if his character didn’t belong in the film. It would be weird if he were reading lines from the wrong script. Especially if that script were A Sound Of Thunder. Man, how can be knighted after appearing in so many turds??

Paramount also officially locked-in the release date of Martin Scorsese‘s upcoming 3D blockbuster Hugo Cabret as November 23, 2011. Scorsese in 3D sounds intriguing, as does the cast, which includes Ben Kingsley, Sacha Baron Cohen, Jude Law and Christopher Lee. Hopefully, Cobra doesn’t do anything to muck up Hugo Cabret‘s Thanksgiving release. (Hollywood Reporter)

Anyway, it looks like I’ll be strapping those goddamn goggles to my head even sooner than I thought, thanks to a deal with Paramount. Now the movie is going to be shown on Thanksgiving, so you can drag all of your relatives to a midnight showing.

Hugo Cabret has Asa Butterfield as the Hugo, an orphaned boy living in a Parisian train station. It also stars Chloe Moretz, Ben Kingsley, Sacha Baron Cohen, Jude Law, Christopher Lee, Emily Mortimer, Michael Stuhlbarg and Ray Winstone, all fine people to share a Thanksgiving meal with. (via CinemaBlend)

Fuck it. Jude Law gonna chill.

And then he’s about to find out how much cruises suck. The actor/chillologist is in talks to board the deadly Last Voyage of the Demeter. Based on a segment from Bram Stoker‘s Dracula, the Demeter is the doomed vessel that transported Count Dracula from Transylvania to England. While in transit, the vampire broke free and ate the ship’s crew one by one. It’s like a steampunk version of  Alien.

David “I Stake For Vampires” Slade is attached to direct with Noomi Rapace and Ben Kingsley also circling roles. There’s no word on whether or not the actors will be on the menu or fitted for fangs. I hope that Kingsley is given the Dracula role over a lifeless CGI-creation or a lifeless Eurotrash actor. It’s been awhile since he’s gone off the chain and he’s already a knight. He can pretty much do whatever he wants as long as he upholds his promise to defend England against future dragon attacks. (Bleeding Cool)

Noomi Rapace and Ben Kingsley are both attached to the project but it’ unknown if they’re still going to do it or not, especially if the filming conflicts with Prometheus. I’m hoping this means that Kingsley is supposed to play Dracula, which would be awesome and a shame if it doesn’t happen. (via The Playlist)

Judging from the picture above, you would think that Ben Kingsley and Noomi Rapace were starring together in I’m Too Sexy, the Right Said Fred biopic. That, however, is not the case. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and The Guy Who Got Knighted Despite Being In ‘BloodRayne’ have joined The Last Voyage Of Demeter.

The film follows the story of the crew that transported Dracula‘s coffin from Transylvania to England. If you’re familiar with Bram Stoker‘s Dracula, you’ll remember that crew arrives dead. So keep that in mind before your next cruise. Dracula is a total a-hole to travel with. (LA Times)

_{In his version of 3D, audiences walk out with a black eye.}

Martin Scorsese‘s next project is a 3D adaptation of Brian Selznick’s novel The Invention of Hugo Cabret. The director has been quoted in the past saying that he doesn’t like 3D just for 3D’s sake, meaning stuff flying at your face is bunk, but it seems Scorsese has quickly changed his tune. According to his longtime editor Thelma Schoonmaker, who recently spoke to a masterclass at Aruba International Film Festival, Scorsese is all about getting up in your face with his film now:

“Scorsese is in love with [3D]. He looked at Avatar and Alice [in Wonderland] and Scorsese didn’t feel that the 3D he saw was as interesting as in the old ones like Dial M for Murder and House of Wax. He’s decided he wants to be stronger with 3D to make it jump out at you. He’s going to go a little bit further with it.”

Daaaaaaaamn, Marty. You dissed Cameron and Burton in one fell swoop. Actually your editor did by proxy, so maybe you should consider putting a muzzle on her.

The Invention of Hugo Cabret is written by John Logan (Gladiator, Aviator) and stars Ben Kingsley, Sacha Baron Cohen, Asa Butterfield, and Chloe Moretz. It’s Scorsese’s first foray into 3D, and he’s extremely excited about molding the technology to his very specific stylings. I’m personally jazzed to see this one on December 9th of next year. Even though it’s a family film, I’ve read the book and can confirm that if you possess a soul you’re guaranteed a whimsical good time. If you don’t have a soul, you can proceed with killing helpless small animals in your mother’s garden. (/Film)

Director: Martin Scorsese

Cast: Chloe Moretz, Ben Kingsley, Sacha Baron Cohen, Asa Butterfield

Synopsis: Concerns a 12-year-old orphan who lives in the walls of a Paris train station in 1930 and a mystery involving the boy, his late father and a robot.

Release Date: December 9, 2011

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
PG-13, 116m., 2010
Cast: Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, Ben Kingsley and Alfred Molina
Directed by Mike Newell
Screenplay by Boaz Yakin, Doug Miro and Carlo Bernard based upon the video game created by Jordan Mechner
 
Jake Gyllenhaal and the cast of the Royal Shakespeare company imprison themselves in a horrible sandstorm of a movie in Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time.
 
Mega-Producer Jerry Bruckheimer brings us another one of his lackluster epic adventures, this time adapted from the popular 1989 video game of the same name, where a young street kid turned warrior named Dastan, (ah-hem “Destiny” get it?) played by Gyllenhaal, in taken into the world of kings, golden robes and military raids, where he is the chosen son of Persia, until his father is killed in a coup-de’ta by his brother Nazim (Ben Kingsley, at his evil-pointed beard worst) for a special sand sword that can turn back time, beheld by Princess Taima (Gemma Arterton).
 
From there the plot, or lack of one, in Prince of Persia makes you wish that the Sand of Time Sword can give you the two hours back. The chemistry between leads Gyllenhaal and Arterton disappears in the wind as the CGI sands and palaces become straining on the eyes.
 
Gyllenhaa,l laced with black eyeliner and straggled hair, join the league of  actors, included Colin Farrell, Brad Pitt, Jared Leto, Eric Bana, who starred in disappointing sword and sandal epics. Gyllenhaal is too good for this kind of movie, where his awkwardly weighted shoulders and deer in the headlights expression cannot surpass the dull adventurous hero character of Dastan.
 
Alfred Molina’s mischievous grin and Arterton’s heaving tanned chest are the only things to clear the sand from your eyes and make this piece of dreck watchable. Molina playing Sheik Amar, a half Jack Sparrow/half desert  bubbling conman, has much humor and character interest to spare. Producer Bruckheimer interjects his current tea partier slant into this character, and Amar spits and howls about the country’s high taxes, which no matter what your personal politics will make you have a good belly laugh or two.
 
As for Arterton’s heaving tanned chest: this is where her talent lies for this movie. With Quantum of Solace and this performance, the model turned actress shows to be good British eye candy for an audience of teenage males, but is yet to be determined as a strong Keira Knightley or Kate Winslet type of a actress.
 
Director Mike Newell of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Donnie Brasco fame, directs this movie as a director for hire job. The action and  scenes of sparse dialogue have no consistency or energy. Newell seems to have let producer Bruckheimer take over the movie and give it his standard wham-bam-thank-you-mama style of shooting, editing and overblown special effects.
 
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is one of the worst summer going experiences to hit the big screen since Terminator: Salvation.
 
Grade: D-