In celebration of the Hoff’s triumphant return (premiere?) to the big screen, we’ve decided to explore the thespian’s masterworks. I don’t know whether I should say he’s done it all or there’s nothing he won’t do. Both are compliments, in this sense.

Revenge of the Cheerleaders

In this early role, Hasselhoff hones his craft in the role of “Boner.” The magic starts around the 2:15 mark.

Baywatch: Nights

Baywatch: Nights started out as the sexy, grown-up version of Baywatch. 50-year old lifeguard Mitch Buchanan began moonlighting with his mentor at a private detective agency. Ratings weren’t so good so the premise was tweaked in the second season. Inspired by the success of The X-Files, the show was given a paranormal twist. Somehow or another it was canceled shortly after.

The truth is out there.

Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Before Sam Jackson donned the famed eye patch, it was worn by David Hasselhoff. I’m assuming they cleaned it in between movies. Although that could explain all those varicose eye socket veins Fury was sporting in The Avengers. Don’t f*ck with pinkeye.

Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical

It’s perhaps his most challenging role. Or at least one of the only ones where he was required to wear a top hat. Hasselhoff stars as both Dr. Henry Jekyll and his murderous alter-ego, Mr. Edward Hyde in this Broadway adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson’s classic story. And it’s two hours and fifteen minutes of this:

There’s only one way to make this show more ridiculous. And it’s this:

Burger

Whether it be performance art, a Carl’s Jr. viral ad, or a desperate cry for help, it’s no understatement that this infamous video remade Hasselhoff’s career. It’s the middle-aged, drunk actor equivalent to a sex tape.

Anaconda III: Offspring

When two gigantic, genetically-enhanced-to-have-knives-for-tails anacondas escape a research facility owned by John Rhys-Davies (naturally), David Hasselhoff is on the case. Here he plays Markos Hammett, a tough-as-nails hunter who is somehow an expert at hunting gigantic, genetically-enhanced-to-have-knives-for-tails anacondas. But does he have his own agenda? Are you actually going to watch it? Because I’ll just tell you if not.

Dancing Ninja

IMDb describes the plot as such: An orphaned boy who dreams of being a ninja arrives in Hollywood to try and find his birth parents, where he gets mixed up in a crime.

Sounds to me like this could be that sequel to Beverly Hills Ninja that is now no longer happening. Too bad too. “Ansel LaDouche” is the role Hasselhoff was born to play. I can see the ascot and everything.

Um… This Thing Where He Played Hitler

He’s really making a go of it over there in Germany.

Nevertheless, next Friday you can catch the inimitable Mr. Buscemi reprising his role of Enoch “Nucky” Thompson in the season two premier of HBO’s Boardwalk Empire. Personally, I’m not surprised Buscemi has found his greatest fame on television. In my humble opinion, he should have made the transition to the “small screen” years ago. Can you imagine how amazing he would have been playing some of the most beloved characters in TV history?

Well, in case you lack the faculty of imagination, I did a little photoshopping to give you a peak at what might have been.

Buscemi as Mitch Buchannon – Baywatch

Baywatch, a show about lifeguards, was the most-watched television series of all time, with over 1 billion viewers (no, really, 1,000,000,000) tuning in around the world each and every week. And that was with David Hasselhoff. Could you imagine how popular the show would have been if, instead of the Hoff, the show’s producers had cast chronically pasty Steve Buscemi to star along side Pam Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth? I bet the show would still be on today.

Buscemi as Ward Cleaver – Leave It to Beaver

Rascally Beaver Cleaver (a name that could only have been cooked up in a genuine age of innocence) was always getting into some sort of trouble. Luckily, he had parents Ward and June to guide him through the trials and tribulations of life in suburban 1950s America. Hugh Beaumont was quite steady as Beaver’s all-American dad, but there was always something a little bland about good old Ward.

You know who would have spiced the character up a bit? Yep, Steve Buscemi. Obviously, he’s not old enough to have played Ward Cleaver, but every night in my dreams I watch serial killer Garland Greene from Con Air explain life to his sons, Wally and the Beave.

Buscemi as Balki Bartokomous – Perfect Strangers

Remember ABC’s TGIF Friday night lineup? Of course you do. Who could forget classic sitcoms like Full House, Family Matters, Step by Step and, last but not least, Perfect Strangers?

These shows were overflowing with schmaltzy plots, corny catch-phrases, and zany characters. And no one was more zany than the lovable Myposian, Balki Bartokomous, from Perfect Strangers. Sure every episode was the same—Balki does something silly, embarrassing Cousin Larry; Cousin Larry gets bottles up his rage until he flips his lid; Balki sulks; Cousin Larry apologizes; everybody is happy again!—but that’s what made it great (according to memories formed by my 10-year-old self).

Still, as much as I loved watching the under-appreciated Bronson Pinchot ham it up week after week—the guy should have been indicted for grand larceny after stealing scenes from Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop—I think I would have enjoyed Steve Buscemi in this role even more. If nothing else, I feel like shit would have gotten a little more real.

Buscemi as Mike Brady – The Brady Bunch


The Brady Bunch was actually a pretty risky show when it first aired, given that it strayed from the “wholesome family” sitcom archetype by depicting—gasp!—a blended family. Fortunately, civilization didn’t collapse when widowed architect Mike Brady married divorcee Carol Martin, and The Brady Bunch turned out to be just as trite and saccharine as just about any family sitcom that had come before it. Of course, all that would have been different if Steve Buscemi played Mike Brady instead of Robert Reed. Could you imagine if dear old dad sat Greg, Peter, and Bobby down and taught them life lessons like this?

Buscemi as Alex P. Keaton – Family Ties

Oh, the irony (and hilarity) of former hippies having a Reaganite for a son! So many opportunities for comedic situations! But how different would have been the rapport between mom, dad, and son had the latter been played by Steve Buscemi rather than Michael J. Fox. Instead of a run-of-the-mill Young Republican, the Keatons probably would have had a squirrelly libertarian conspiracy theorist on their hands with Buscemi. In fact, I’m pretty sure, Alex P. Keaton would have ended up in a militia instead of Wall Street.

Buscemi as Thomas Magnum – Magnum, P.I.

Tom Selleck wrote the book on manliness in the 1980s. Every women wanted to be with his mustache, and every man wanted to be have his mustache. Moreover, to this day, he’s probably still the only guy who ever looked cool in an Aloha shirt.

In case you’ve forgotten, Magnum, P.I. was an hour-long comedic drama centered around the professional and romantic adventures of debonair ex-Navy SEAL and current private investigator Thomas Magnum. Who lives in a rich guy’s guest house. And gets to use his Ferrari. In Hawaii. (Magnum was obviously a big inspiration to OJ’s pal Kato Kaelin.) For whatever reason, Magnum didn’t really have to work, but he did from time to time, whenever a hot babe would come along with a mystery that needed cracking.

To get a sense of what Magnum, P.I. would have been like with Steve Buscemi playing the title character, all you have to do is have a look at the second and third seasons of 30 Rock. Buscemi guest stars as a private investigator named Lenny Wosniak, who gets around New York on his bicycle and is not allowed to carry a gun by his pastor because he suffers from depression. So Buscemi would have done Magnum a little differently, to say the least.

Buscemi as Barney Fife – The Andy Griffith Show

Television shows don’t get more wholesome than The Andy Griffith Show. Little Mayberry, North Carolina, was a bedrock of real American values back in the 1960s, what with Aunt Bee bakin’ pies, little Opie goin’ fishin’, and Sheriff Andy git’n after moonshiners resolvin’ town conflicts.

Of course, there was also bumbling Sheriff’s Deputy Barney Fife, played by Don Knotts, whose numerous accidental firearms mishaps would surely have gotten him fired (and probably killed several people) if the Mayberry Sheriff’s Department was actually in the business of promoting public safety. Still, if Barney had been played Steve Buscemi, Mayberry would have had a deputy that looked like a pedophile. It’s kind of hard to say which is worse.

Buscemi as Danny Tanner – Full House

Steve Buscemi as Danny Tanner on Full House? Let’s just dive right in.

First of all, if Buscemi played widower Danny Tanner on Full House, depending on makeup and lighting, your first thought might very well have been, “well, he probably killed his wife, right?” If the production crew managed to get his makeup and lighting just right, Buscemi could probably have pulled off “sad and lonely,” but I doubt he could ever do “jolly” like Bob Saget. So there goes the tone of the entire series right there.

Second, no matter what they did with the makeup and lighting, they still would have had to re-write Danny’s character a bit, because there’s no way anyone would ever buy Buscemi as a TV personality. A radio shock jock, sure, but a news anchor? Yeah right.

Third, would people have believed this guy could have such cute kids? I didn’t think so. So if Buscemi was Danny Tanner, they would have had to recast the whole Tanner family. Where would the Olsen twins be today if they had to cast less cute twins to play Michelle Tanner? (Did you just say “a strip club”? Wow, I can’t believe you went there.)

Buscemi as Mr. Rogers – Mr. Rogers Neighborhood

The actual Mr. Rogers was just about the nicest, most gentle guy ever. He taught several generations of children how to be nice and share through the cunning use of hand puppets and make-believe.

Also, he had an awesome collection of cardigans.

So what if Buscemi had charged with instilling morals in our children on Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood? Well, for starters, we’d have a lot of messed up 30 and 40-year-olds walking around today. Instead teaching kids not to litter, he probably would have taught them about the intractable pain of being, or some other topic not suited for youngsters.

The project hasn’t found a decent script yet, but that might change now that Peter Tolan, the creator of Rescue Me, has put together something that doesn’t take into account the TV show at all.

I like what I’m hearing. Go on, Peter:

“It’s not based on the show in any way, though there are a couple of winks at the show…I don’t know anything about the show. I didn’t watch it in preparation for writing this,” he said to the Matthew Aaron Podcast.

So, while no greenlight has been given, it sounds as though this might be the script. I wonder if Bruno Mars will do a version of the theme song.

Please God, no.

^{Nicole Eggert is back on TV!! Ready your DVRs, boys!!!}

Sorry, avid masturbators frozen in ice in the early 1990′s who are now being thawed and rescued. The world as you knew it has undoubtedly changed. The babes of "Baywatch" — Traci Bingham, Nicole Eggert, Gena Lee Nolin, and Donna D’Errico — are not the starlets they once were. Egged on by the VH-1 washed-up celebrity craze, the sun-damaged quartet are now living together for a new reality show where each pushes their individual business ventures (as well as the limits of what we’re willing to call a reality show).

Eggert is working on her new workout DVDs, Bingham has opened a dating service, Nolin has written a book about post-partem depression, and D’Errico has become a conspiracy theorist. I honestly couldn’t have predicted these career paths for the former lifeguards, and from the recent pictures I’ve seen of Nicole Eggert, maybe she shouldn’t use a reality show to hawk her workout DVDs. She should use a radio show. (Variety)

Paramount seems very serious about actually making a Baywatch movie. So serious in fact, that they’ve now brought on five writers to capture the elusive tone on the master work. Brian Gatewood and Alessandro Tanaka (who wrote Jonah Hill’s The Sitter) have been brought in to polish drafts from The Break-Up‘s Jeremy Garlick and National Security writers Jay Scherick and David Ronn. It’s said the film is to be in the vain of the Charlie’s Angels revamp with more of a focus on female action (read: jiggliness).

Though no director or castmembers have been hired, we already know where this thing is going. Heidi Montag to star and Zack Snyder to direct. Both are masterful at capturing slow-motion running for different reasons. I’d imagine David Hasslehoff would make some kind of appearance as no actor alive can perform mouth to mouth on a cheeseburger as well as he can. Well, maybe Vince Vaughn could. (THR)

TMZ is reporting that David Hasselhoff is close to getting a reality show deal with A&E.

Said an A&E representative to TMZ, "We are close to signing a deal with David and his kids."

You may remember that not too long ago, David & family had a six-part reality miniseries that aired in the UK called "Meet the Hasselhoffs," in which they traveled around with UK Deejay Scott Mills. You can see a clip here:

Of course, as always happens with American versions of established British imports, we’re sure that all the subtle, dry wit from the above clip will be replaced by a theme song and Hasselhoff spewing catch phrases like, "Don’t Hassle the Hoff!" or just spewing cheeseburger meat in a drunken stupor. Either one.