_{I’d sell my soul for that.}

For years, I’ve had a hunch that Leonardo DiCaprio was in league with the Devil. What else could explain the stunning career of a man who started out with a bit part on "Growing Pains." But Deadline has confirmed my suspicions by reporting on Leo’s latest project, a film adaptation of Devil in the White City.

DiCaprio will play the notorious serial killer Dr. H.H. Holmes is a murderer of between 27 to 200 people during the World’s Fair of 1893 in Chicago. The original story was a doctor who lured guests into a hotel that had a gas chamber, crematorium and a dissecting table where he would murder and sell their skeletons for scientific studies.

Who knows what sick, sadistic impulses DiCaprio will conjure up while playing this character? I fear for Bar Refaeli’s safety, which is why I must kidnap her and keep her confined in my basement for her own protection. Don’t worry, Bar Bar! Daddy’s coming for you!

Let’s pack it up, boys. No need to follow Bar Refaeli around town with our "seduction" kits any longer. We couldn’t HAVE her before because leading man Leo DiCaprio is tappin’ that ass (plus we’re ugly), and now we don’t WANT her because her vajayjay has touched the back of "The Situation’s" self-tanner smeared neck.

The ab extraordinaire must have sold the remains of his soul to the Devil in exchange for the opportunity to hoist Refaeli up on his shoulders. The vomit-inducing act was apparently a legit photoshoot for Interview Magazine, but something tells me it was "The Situation’s" idea. When I asked DiCaprio how he felt about his girlfriend’s crotch on a guido’s neck, he responded:

"Mama, I want hot dogs. I want hot dogs, Mama."  

I questioned a DVD of What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. (TMZ)