Screen Junkies » assassins http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Wed, 10 Sep 2014 19:33:46 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 How Will Scientology Assassinate Katie Holmes? A Screen Junkies How-To http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/how-will-scientology-assassinate-katie-holmes-a-screen-junkies-how-to/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/how-will-scientology-assassinate-katie-holmes-a-screen-junkies-how-to/#comments Tue, 03 Jul 2012 22:43:55 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=249508 It's only a matter of time...probably...

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After four days in hiding, Katie Holmes emerged from the New York City apartment early this morning, surrounded by a security detail of gigantic bodyguards. The actress is fearful that Scientology officials are stalking her and may attempt to kidnap her six-year old daughter, Suri, so she isn’t taking any chances in her first public appearance since she filed for divorce from Tom Cruise.

Judging from the photos, Holmes means business. If the Church of Scientology wants to get to Katie, they’re going to have to step up their game. She’s likely hired top-level security, so in order to win this day, Scientology will have to recruit the best of the best. But they can’t go the traditional route. These guys are going to be on the look-out for ninjas and poisoned lattes. What Scientology needs here is someone who can get in and get out without anyone every realizing they were there.

Here are our recommendations.

Mike the Cleaner

As the right-hand man to Breaking Bad’s Gus Fring, Mike the Cleaner has proved time and time again that he is the man for the job. Whether he’s rescuing hostages or cutting the head off the Mexican Cartel, this former cop seperates emotion from the job. Killing is just business. This allows him to maintain a cool and collected demeanor as he works effectively and efficiently. He’s also aided by his ingenuity as he uses unorthodox methods to stay several steps ahead of his marks.

That Queef Monster from Game of Thrones

The biggest problem the Scientologists are now facing is actually accessing Katie. Press is camped out outside her apartment twenty-four hours a day and her security team are highly-decorated. Season two of Game of Thrones showed us the most cunning and effective way of getting behind enemy lines. The plan is actually quite simple. Tom Cruise will need to impregnate a Red Priestess. She will carry the child to term within a day or two and then fart the shadowy demon killer out of her vagina. The abomination will then slink into Holmes’s private tent and kill her where she stands before dissipating into thin air, leaving behind stunned onlookers who will likely shoulder the blame.

This plan does have its drawbacks however. This is powerful magic that Cruise would be affiliating himself with. Far more powerful than any magic the Church of Scientoloy is able to conjure. Would this coax Tom away from his religion? And what weight would these dark dealings bear on his soul? Also, he’d have to touch a girl. Gross.

The Order of Taraka

Employed by both humans and demons, Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s The Order of Taraka can definitely get this difficult job done. This society of feared assassins and bounty hunters are close to unstoppable. But don’t take my word for it. Here’s Rupert Giles weighing in on the subject. “They are masters of deceit. Vampires are bound by the night, but these predators can be anywhere, anytime. They can appear as normal as the next person. Just another face in the crowd. You might not ever know when one of them is near – not until the moment of your death.”

Which makes you think. Katie is going to grant an exclusive interview eventually. Whose to say that the Order doesn’t have assassins embedded at Entertainment Tonight or Access Hollywood? Nancy O’Dell has always seemed a little too well-polished.

The Mechanic

As far as the Church of Scientology is concerned, Katie Holmes is a problem. Arthur Bishop (aka The Mechanic) is a man who fixes problems.

A master assassin, Bishop is essentially invisible. He specializes in making his hits look like accidents, suicide, or the acts of petty criminals. Or sometimes they will just be disappeared altogether. http://www.businessinsider.com/scientology-leader-david-miscaviges-wife-has-been-missing-since-2006-2012-7

Those Snakes on a Plane Snakes

Well, it’s likely that the Scientologists won’t hide a time-released crate full of snakes on Holmes’s airplane. The movie blew the whistle on that genius plan and now professionals are constantly on the lookout for it. However, they could hide poisonous snakes elsewhere in the hopes of taking out the unsuspecting former Mrs. Cruise. Ventilation ducts, elevator cars, or even in a can of peanuts are all viable places to catch Katie Holmes off guard.

Brother Mouzone

People see the bowtie and the last thing they think is ruthless killer. However, The Wire’s Brother Mouzone is exactly that. Well-mannered and bespectacled, the erudite assassin could easily gain access to high-level events that Holmes might attend, like a Broadway opening or an awards show or a guest slot on The View. The only other assassins capable of gaining access to such events are the Inglorious Bastards. And those guys are like a hundred years old by now.

T-1000

When the future‘s first attempts to kill John Connor failed, they sent back a better killing machine. Although, they probably should have just sent the better killing machine first or back to a time before they sent the original Terminator. I’m not trying to tell a self-aware artificial intelligence system how they should go about overthrowing humanity, but c’mon. If you’re going to actually go to all of the trouble of time travel, might as well do it right.

Anyways, back to Katie Holmes. The T-1000 could easily disguise itself as a member of her security team or a co-star. Better yet, Holmes could get cast in a film also starring Robert Patrick. She’s down to that level in her career by this point, right?

James Van Der Beek

With Don’t Trust the B—- In Apt. 23, James Van Der Beek has proven that he’s willing to trade-in on his image. So, why not sell-out a former co-star? That’s not so far out of the question. Plus, it would grant him access to all of the freedoms that Scientology has to offer. Just imagine, never being publicly referred to as Dawson again. All he has to do is push Holmes back when she inevitably climbs through his window seeking comfort.

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http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/how-will-scientology-assassinate-katie-holmes-a-screen-junkies-how-to/feed/ 0 Lewis Jacobs/ Still Photographer, 2008 Shadow TarakaRing jason-statham-the-mechanic-best-movies-ever snakes-on-a-plane-poster 500px-The_Wire_-_S3EP11_PPK2 T-1000_002 james-van-der-beek
‘Colombiana’ Training With A Navy Sea http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/colombiana-training-with-a-navy-sea/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/colombiana-training-with-a-navy-sea/#comments Tue, 13 Dec 2011 13:00:43 +0000 Screen Junkies http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=239727 In order to be more like Zoe Saldana’s hot assassin character in Colombiana, America Young went through “assassin training” at the same training center where Zoe learned her moves. Does...

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In order to be more like Zoe Saldana’s hot assassin character in Colombiana, America Young went through “assassin training” at the same training center where Zoe learned her moves. Does she pass, or end up getting water boarded? Watch for yourself and find out.

Colombiana is available on Blu-ray and DVD 12/20.

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9 Ferocious Female Assassins http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/9-ferocious-female-assassins/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/9-ferocious-female-assassins/#comments Thu, 07 Apr 2011 21:42:49 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=205921 As far as Hollywood is concerned, there's nothing deadlier than a self-empowered female.

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When it comes to famous assassins, what names come to mind? Probably Oswald, Booth, Princip, just to name a few. And you probably think of troubled loaners or psychopathic revolutionaries, as opposed to hot babes in leather jumpsuits or tweenage school girls. But as far as Hollywood is concerned, there’s nothing deadlier than a self-empowered female, and in the new film Hanna, Hanna, is no exception. With that in mind, take a look at this list of ferocious female assassins and see for yourself.

Xenia Sergeyevna Onatopp – Golden Eye

Ms. Onatopp might be the least noteworthy entry on this list, but in the world of assassins, that’s supposed to be a good thing. And while she might not be as well known as her counterparts on this list, she’s just as deadly. Rather than shoot or poison her marks, as a normal killer would, Onatopp lures her victims to bed and then crushes them between her legs. Pain aside, that’s not a bad way to go.

Charlie BaltimoreThe Long Kiss Goodnight

Charlie Baltimore (a.k.a. Samantha Caine) is a spy for the CIA. The catch is she doesn’t even know it. After a bout of amnesia, she settled down into a quiet life in rural Pennsylvania. But when her past catches up to her, she is forced to return to her old ways. It’s a lot like A History of Violence, without all the violent sex.

O-Ren Ishii – Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2

If you’re a member of The Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, chances are you know a thing or two about assassinations. O-Ren Ishii learned to kill at an early age, avenging the death of her parents at the hands of a Yakuza boss. After her stint with the squad, she went on to become head of the Yakuza herself, before being assassinated. Live by the sword, yada yada, yada.

Georgia Sykes – Smokin’ Aces

Georgia Sykes is part of a two-man (or two-woman) hit team. In the film, her partner, Sharice Watters, is a closeted lesbian with a crush on Georgia. Lesbianism, even if it’s only hinted at, gets you bumped up on my lists.

Hit-Girl – Kick Ass

Hit-Girl might be the youngest female on the list, but that doesn’t stop her from keeping up with the big girls, at least when it comes to killing. Trained by her father to be a remorseles fighting machine, Mindy McCready (her real name) believes she and her father are on a quest to avenge the death of her mother, and longs for the day when she can return to a normal life.

Jane Smith – Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Angelina Jolie has played several different female assassins, but I decided on using her character, Jane Smith. Why? Why not. In the film, Jane and her husband John are both assassins, although neither one of them knows the truth. As you’d imagine, once their true identities are discovered, things get a little harry, and the couple ends up destroying their home while trying to kill one another. But this is an action-comedy, so things work out in the end, unlike most marriages.

Maggie Hayward – Point of No Return

I went with this film rather than the French original, La Femme Nikita, for one simple reason: Bridget Fonda’s breasts make me happy. In the film, Fonda plays a death-row inmate who is spared her sentence in order to become a government sanctioned assassin, which makes total sense, since drug addicts are so trustworthy and reliable.

T-X – Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Technically, the T-X isn’t really a female, since it’s a machine. Just like “technically,” my real doll isn’t a woman. But in both cases, it works out a lot better if you just suspend disbelief.

The Bride – Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2

Was there any doubt that The Bride would be at the top of the list? Not only was she a member of the most talented assassination squad in the world, but she also managed to kill off all of the other members in her quest for sweet, sweet revenge. That pretty much sums it up.

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20 Killer Assassin Movies http://www.screenjunkies.com/gallery/20-killer-assassin-movies/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/gallery/20-killer-assassin-movies/#comments Wed, 02 Jun 2010 15:42:47 +0000 Col. Longshanks Hollywood has an overwhelming fascination with people who kill other people for a living, as evidenced by the release of Killers on Friday. The below movies center on characters with excellent marksmanship and a penchant for professional hits. Show us your skillz by naming all 20 movie titles in the comments section. The first three people to get them all correct will win a Break t-shirt. And don't get your panties in a bunch, we're getting Screen Junkies t-shirts soon. I know how badly you guys want to wear us on your backs.

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Hollywood has an overwhelming fascination with people who kill other people for a living. The below movies center on characters with excellent marksmanship and a penchant for professional hits.

Take a SHOT at NAILING all of the titles.

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