Hmm. That’s all I can think of. Wow. It’s been kind of a crappy stretch for new celebs, no?

Punk’d has never been the type of show that lets crappiness get in the way of anything, so MTV has announced that Ashton Kutcher and Jason Goldberg, the show’s creators, will be producing a new run of Punk’d episodes. They haven’t announced who will be hosting the show; that announcement will come during MTV‘s New Year’s Eve spectacular, which is one more reason I won’t be tuning in to MTV’s New Year’s Eve spectacular.

Here’s my shortlist of possible hosts for the new iteration of the show:

• Nick Cannon
• Selena Gomez
• 7,000 other shitty celebrities I wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire

In the wake of what many perceive to be infidelity on Ashton Kutcher’s part, Demi Moore has announced that she is divorcing her husband of six years. During that time, they captured our attention and our hearts by doing nothing terribly noteworthy other than having a slightly large age gap between them.

Ugh. I’m boring myself here.

Let’s see…Ashton has been in some pretty bad films, which makes this story slightly more relevant than if it was, say, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden getting divorced. Are they divorced? Hmm. We’ll get our research team on that as soon as possible.

Oops. Looks like I’m approaching the minimum number of words I can spend on a story before my editor yells at me. THERE. 140 words.

Ashton did NOT need this right now. Last week, the star caused an unwanted stir when he tweeted about Joe Paterno’s firing without being aware of the surrounding scandal. This completely ruined Twitter for all the laypeople who assumed that celebrities wouldn’t rush to sound off about something before performing due diligence.

Man it’s like the world shits on his head and now he’s forced to say “thanks for the hat.”

Ashton Kutcher took offense to this decision and posted on Twitter:

How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste

Then he evidently had the case explained to him and quickly pulled the tweet before apologizing profusely.

As an advocate in the fight against child sexual exploitation, I could not be more remorseful for all involved in the Penn St. case.

As of immediately I will stop tweeting until I find a way to properly manage this feed. I feel awful about this error. Won’t happen again.

Great! Now if we can only get him to apologize for his career…. (BuzzFeed)

“Who could have predicted that we would have been here six months ago?” Tassler said. “The great news is that the show will be as irreverent as it has always been. Our program practices people are already on high alert. That’s some of the good news coming out of it.”

By irreverent, read more sexual innuendos. She would not confirm the season premiere would be Charlie’s funeral, but introduced Kutcher’s character. “His name is Walden Schmidt and he is an Internet billionaire with a broken heart and it will be a two-parter over two weeks. A little bit of the mystery is part of the marketing, but he is a unique character. As we said in the marketing plan, all will be revealed on X date. The mystery is a part of the marketing. It’s going to be a big event. The chatter and the conversation and the discussion about it is part of what the fun of it can be.”

When asked what she learned from the Charlie Sheen situation, and the suggestion that many people would have predicted his meltdown six months ago, Tassler spun it into a positive future.

“We look at where we are today. I look at where we were six months ago. Our whole focus right now is moving forward. We have an extraordinary actor in Ashton Kutcher. We have someone who is committed to doing their job, to being there, an incredible professional. So as I said, six months ago today, we’re worlds apart. We made the decision, everyone made the decisions relative to the situation at hand.”

Asked if the Sheen situation would change CBS’s casting practices when considering actors with potential issues, Tassler responded, “That would probably be every actor in the business so it would be kind of hard. I don’t think we would change the practice with which we hire actors now. It’s an artistic creative process. You have actors audition. It’s professional, so I don’t think it would change the way we employ actors.”

7 photosJessica Biel

In the spiritual sequel to Valentine’s Day, a bunch of model-hot people complain about how tough it is to find love and then find themselves in cliched, wacky situations that lead to them hooking up with other model-hot people. Except this time it happens a little earlier in winter.

Gary Marshall brings Ashton Kutcher and Jessica Biel back as new characters because these films take place in a world full of doppelgangers (they kinda play down the sci-fi angle in the marketing). In a ploy to make Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon far easier, he also cast the recognizable attractive faces of Josh Duhamel, Sarah Jessica Parker, Lea Michele, Hilary Swank, Ludacris, Jon Bon Jovi, Halle Berry, Sofia Vergara, Zac Efron, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert De Niro, Til Schweiger, Seth Myers, Katherine Heigl, Sienna Miller, Ice Cube, John Lithgow, Carla Gugino, Julie Andrews and Abigail Breslin. That’s going to be one crowded poster.

TMZ reports that those someone close to the show (they should really just admit it’s Jon Cryer) has divulged that Sheen’s character will die early in the next season, making way for Ashton Kutcher‘s character to slide right into the show’s vacant bowling shirts and cargo pants.

The million-dollar questions that remains, however, is how Charlie “Harper” will meet his maker. It’s a safe bet that it won’t be a dignified end, based on the acrimony that resulted from Sheen’s unexpected (sort of) booting late last season. My guess is a David Carradine-type shuffling of the mortal coil, but let’s not rule out a Vespa accident or SuperHerpes.

Anyway, the former “Man Show” host had some choice joke-words for advertisers attending this year’s ABC upfronts. Here are some highlights. We’ll start with Kimmel roasting his own network. Hopefully, a little self-deprecating humor will cover all those shitty programming mistakes nicely.

“Remember those shows that we were so excited about last fall? We cancelled all of them. And yet here you are again. I think you might have a gambling problem.”

“You [advertisers] come here and we shower you with promises and never really follow through on any of them. If this was a show, we’d call it ‘The Bachelor.’ We tell you we love you; we give you a rose; we canoodle with you in a hot tub and then two and a half months down the line, you realize we’re gay.”

“We’re excited about all of our shows. Except ‘Shark Tank’. We have no idea how that got back on the schedule. You know what someone should invent on ‘Shark Tank’? A replacement for ‘Shark Tank’.”

Now onto the other networks…

“I have to say, I think ['The X-Factor'] is the best idea of 2002. It’s like ‘American Idol‘ meets a mirror.”

“NBC thanked God for ‘The Voice’… God has nothing to do with what’s going on at NBC. God stopped watching NBC after ‘Friends’. And God isn’t in the demo anyway.”

“CBS announced a plan to move forward and retool the show, and sure enough they found another tool, Ashton Kutcher. He happens to be a pretty solid choice. He’s popular, he’s handsome, he’s talented and he has experience. Remember, he did a very good job replacing Bruce Willis.”

And there you go. The message is: we suck, but they suck too. So… give us your money? (Hollywood Reporter)

Good news: Charlie Sheen has something to talk about again. *Wipes Brow*

CBS and Warner Bros are in the final stages of their deal to replace Sheen’s character on “Two and a Half Men” with… Ashton Kutcher. This makes some logical sense, as they’re both on-screen douches and Kutcher is experienced in the multicamera sitcom world. My sources tell me he will also build a Scrooge McDuck style swimming vault for all the money they’re giving him.

Hugh Grant passed on the gig, and despite publicly saying he’s not interested, John Stamos has been waiting by the phone this entire time. Showrunner Chuck Lorre is supposedly happy with the selection, and now Sheen will have someone else to call a “troll” for awhile. Let the inevitable Twitter battle begin. (Hollywood Reporter)

Bieber may spread his deadly fever into the world of scripted comedy, as he’s in talks to star in What Would Kenny Do? with Kutcher, a movie about a 17-year-old boy who’s visited by the hologram of his adult self to help guide him throug high school. I’m sure the Razzie nominating committee is planning a lavish celebration at their offices if the deal goes through, and I hear critics are already scribbling lines for their reviews in their notebooks for when the film actually comes out. Lines like, “I didn’t need my future self to tell me this would be the worst thing ever.”

Bieber’s intense tour schedule will probably stop this madness from happening, but I guess I should never say never.

The Sony film will be produced by Will Smith’s Overbrook Entertainment, who is currently seeking a new writer and director. Apparently they’re unhappy with the original Black List script by Chris Baldi and the rewrite by Scott Neustadter and Michael Weber (500 Days of Summer). (LA Times)

The horrifying rumor came to light during promotion of Kutcher’s latest romantic comedy No Strings Attached, which was also directed by Reitman (sigh). During a press junket interview, Reitman was asked about whether there would be a sequel to the universally beloved Ghostbusters 2, and whether it would be possible that Kutcher (who was sitting next to Reitman at the time) could have a role in the movie. After implying that Bill Murray is dragging his feet on the project, Reitman replied by saying his casting was “absolutely possible.” OK, so maybe he was just being polite. Reitman would have done the same for Rick Moranis. (via The AV Club)

Apparently, Heigl just adopted some poor kid and was looking for a project that wouldn’t require a huge time commitment. New Year’s Eve fits the bill, since as a follow up to Garry Marshall’s surprise hit Valentine’s Day it’s a big ensemble piece. Just a couple pinches of Heigl, as opposed to a whole dish. Dunno why I went with a food metaphor but whatever. New Year’s Eve will also star (deep breath) Robert De Niro, Sofia Vergara, Russell Peters, Hilary Swank, Ice Cube, Ashton Kutcher, Lea Michele, Michelle Pfeiffer, Zac Efron, Josh Duhamel, Sarah Jessica Parker, Abigail Breslin, Seth Meyers, Jessica Biel and Til Schweiger. (via Deadline)

Director: Ivan Reitman

Cast: Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher

Synopsis: A guy and girl try to keep their relationship strictly physical, but it’s not long before they learn that they want something more.

Release Date: January 21, 2011

_{He’s coming for you, Bruno Mars.}

NoooooooOOOOOOOOOO!!! MTV is bringing back the series "Punk’d" and they want Justin Bieber to host it. If it were April 1st I’d be more accepting of this news, but it’s not, it’s October 5th. We are NOT being punk’d.

The show’s creators/executive producers/original hosts Ashton Kutcher and Jason Goldberg are back to exec produce, so don’t go thinking the quality of the content will slip. They’re all over that. Sports cars will continue to be towed and lunch orders "accidently" botched. The only difference is Justin Bieber will now emerge from around the corner to reveal the ruse with a sh*t-eating grin on his face. Let’s hope 50 Cent is packing and doesn’t appreciate pranks. (Deadline)

Killers, staring Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher, premieres June 4th, but you won’t be seeing many advanced reviews. That’s because the studio behind the film thought it was simply too awesome to be screened for critics in advance. In fact, some executives at Lionsgate felt the cinematic tour de force about a secret spy and his stupid girlfriend was so incredible that critics’ heads might explode from witnessing it.

Also, Twitter has made film critics irrelevant.

In today’s socially connected marketplace, we all have the ability to share feedback instantly around the world. In keeping with this spirit, Lionsgate and the filmmakers want to give the opportunity to moviegoing audiences and critics alike to see `Killers’ simultaneously, and share their thoughts in the medium of their choosing. We felt that this sense of immediacy could be a real asset in the marketing of `Killers.’

Yeah, I bet you did, Mr. Lionsgate PR guy. Kind of like when you convinced that fat girl you were banging in college that you’d both be better off if you kept your relationship a secret. (AP/Cinemablend)

We’ve held off reporting about Friends With Benefits up until now because the thought of Ashton Kutcher in a no-strings-attached sexual relationship with Natalie Portman makes our parts wither. Sadly, we’ve been put into a position where we would be remiss if we continued the embargo.

Ivan Reitman has begun to wisely throw hottie after hottie at the project, and today there’s news that the ridiculously sexy Lake Bell has joined the cast as Kutcher’s co-worker. Olivia Thirlby and Greta Gerwig have also recently become attached. Great. Ashton Kutcher surrounded by hot women. Is this a movie-version of those camera commercials he’s been doing? (Variety)

The trailer for Killers follows the beats of any other Katherine Heigl movie trailer. We’re introduced to her. We learn quickly that she’s successful in every aspect of her life except love. Cue the man of her dreams, in this instance, Ashton Kutcher and his abs. Kutcher stalks Heigl around Nice, France while unnecessarily shirtless like NY’s Naked Cowboy or He-Man or Los Angeles’s David Hasselhoff.

The two hook up and it seems like the perfect relationship. Until it turns into Knight & Day or Mr. and Mrs. Smith. It looks like a fun, light film (centered around murder) despite the positioning of the leads on the National Choad Index. I should dislike this but I don’t. It must be the presence of Selleck. Damn that mustache.

Maybe enjoy the trailer after the jump….

Killers Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers

While we gave her the nod in our hot female grifters feature, we felt Spread actress Margarita Levieva deserved her own gallery because, well, she’s ridiculously good looking.  The Russian-born beauty spent her early life as a competitive gymnast on the Communist Russia payroll before moving to New York at 11.  There, she went to NYU and worked as a fashion buyer for Assets London (we don’t know what that is either, but for now let’s just assume it’s something important).  She’s got few film credits to her name at this point, with her only notable role being that of Lisa P in the awesome Adventureland.  However, she’s hot and her name is the same as a delicious drink, so we feel she’s going places.

A word from Margarita: “I’m not an insecure person, per se, but I just never saw myself as the girl who walks into a place and everybody goes, ‘Wow.’”

Rest assured, if she ever walked into the Screen Junkies offices, we would let out a collective wow.  Then, we’d awkwardly stammer through directions to the office she should be in.  It’s obviously not ours. Check out more photos of Margarita after the jump!

Director: David Mackenzie

Cast: Ashton Kutcher, Anne Heche, Margarita Levieva, Sonia Rockwell, Maria Conchita Alonso, Shane Brolly

Synopsis: Set in modern day Los Angeles, Spread is a hard biting story about a high-end lethario, Nikki (Ashton Kutcher), who has slept his way into a life of privilege. He shares his secrets with us as he hosts parties and beds scores of women, all while living it up at the Hollywood Hills home of a middle-aged female attorney, Samantha (Anne Heche). Everything is going swimmingly until Nikki meets a gorgeous waitress named Heather (Margarita Levieva), who, unbeknownst to him, is playing the same game that he is. As the truth of their life unravels, they find themselves sexually charged by a game of one-upsmanship that has them dining at fine restaurants and crashing posh parties, until the truth of their lives forces them to choose between love and money. Inspired by classics like Shampoo, Breakfast at Tiffanys, and America Gigolo, Spread profiles a sexual grifter and his prey.