Arnie made the announcement that he’ll be stepping back into his motorcycle boots next January for Paramount when filming begins. It’s unclear what the story will be, but it will probably be an action film with a good-looking woman, as these types of movies so often are.

Details to follow shortly, no doubt.

It’s reported that Schwarzenegger will play The Exterminator, which is not exactly a complimentary title when applied to someone often mistaken for being German, a former black ops agent who trains the Toxic Avenger to fight polluters. Here are some confusing quotes from people who should know better:

“Moviegoers around the world were thrilled when Arnold Schwarzenegger returned to acting so effortlessly filling the gap that he left behind,” said producer and International Film Trust co-founder Michael Benaroya in a statement.

“Our film is a perfect combination of commercial genre, star power and award winning filmmakers to set it apart from other titles on offer at Cannes this year,” IFT president Ariel Veneziano added.

They do realize that Steve Pink made Hot Tub Time Machine, yes? I recall that film being passed over by the Academy. (Coming Soon)

In celebration of the release of Summit Entertainment’s crime thriller Snitch, opening in theaters February 22nd, we’re proud to bring you seven of the greatest undercover badasses in movie history.

Leonardo DiCaprio, The Departed

By the time the American remake of Infernal Affairs rolled around, DiCaprio was already widely-celebrated for his skills; but it wasn’t until audiences saw him doing push-ups between prison bunks that he carved out his first proper badass. Given the circumstances, it could have been easy for any actor to overplay the role of William Costigan, but DiCaprio brings a level of grace and sadness to level off the character’s grit and ferocity. Even more badass: DiCaprio actively declined campaigning for any awards for Best Supporting Actor that year as to avoid stepping on the toes of his co-stars.

Johnny Depp, Donnie Brasco

Getting in “too deep” is a common theme in many undercover films. After all, putting yourself at risk is what going undercover is all about. But what happens when you form a legitimate friendship with the men you’re supposed to be infiltrating. Things quickly get complicated for Donnie Brasco when he realizes that doing his job will most likely result in his friend’s death.

Toshiro Mifune, The Bad Sleep Well

Mifune’s performance as Koichi Nishi is a rarity in that it doesn’t employ the slam-bang tactics of many of his cohorts seen on this list. His stoic nerd slowly unveils the vengeance of a son scorned by one of the most powerful corporations in Japan through tactics of seduction, espionage and psychological torture. Mifune played numerous lively punkers in his lifetime, particularly in the realm of samurai lore, but this character seethes in his rage, striking only after his prey is at the brink of madness. Case in point: Nishi corners one of his targets on the window ledge from which his father died, calming the man down by offering whiskey that he later reveals is “poisoned”. The mark collapses, driven insane by the ordeal. Nasty!

Keanu Reeves, Point Break

This is simple story about a former Ohio State quarterback named Johnny Utah. For an F-!B-!I!-Agent!, Johnny maintains the most suspicious bromance with Patrick Swayze’s Bodhi this side of “Brokeback Mountain”. He allows his bleach-blonde nemesis to escape an aqueduct face-off, jump out of an airplane and eventually surf himself to death. At various points in the film, Bodhi’s potency in performing extreme sports counteracts the hobbling ethics of Reeves’ lawman. Johnny, like, totally buries his heart at wounded knee.

Kevin Spacey, The Usual Suspects

Have you ever seen Kevin Spacey try to act like a badass? It doesn’t work. But Spacey as a schlepp? That’s Oscar gold. The writing/directing on “Suspects” lay formidable groundwork for Spacey to perform as the keystone for an impeccably oddball cast. His bumbling Verbal Kint acts as a tender foil to a constant stream of roughneck freakouts. With little more than his wits, this badass knows that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing Chazz Palmenteri that he didn’t exist.

Chevy Chase, Fletch

Light years ahead of the Twitter-quip generation, Chase is at the peak of his powers, dishing out maximum smarm before turding up his career with JTT movies. What makes this role fairly badass is that it is one of the last of a dying breed: that of the snoopy, investigative newspaper reporter. What makes it particularly badass is that Chase has a ball conjuring up characters with names like Dr. Rosenpenis, Dr. Babar and Mr. Poon. The actor has gone on record as saying this was his favorite role, given that director Michael Ritchie often took multiple takes and allowed Chase to riff with whatever came off the top of his dome.

Nicolas Cage, Face/Off

“Castor Troy” is a pretty distinct – if not altogether awful – name. Despite this and other cringe-worthy moments that face-swipe to show affection, Nic Cage keeps John Woo’s ‘97 hit from teetering into cornball territory. Cage’s Castor Troy is the kind of guy who can talk an undercover agent into sucking his tongue. He poses as a priest so he can plant a dirty bomb and goose choir members. He switches sunglasses for no reason. And he delivers a more badass John Travolta impersonation than Dana Carvey.

And why wouldn’t you believe a red-band trailer?

The film comes from South Korean director Kim Ji-woon, who scared the bejesus out of us with I Saw the Devil, so those who are quick to dismiss this film as mindless action might want to take in a screening of that before being so quick to judge.

But before you go to your local video store (HA!), check out the trailer for The Last Stand.

First of all, the guy’s a fashion nightmare. Who wears a bathrobe outside of the home paired with pilot googles and a Trapper’s hat? By Hollywood standards, that style of dress makes a character either mentally-handicapped or a quirky Asian. And we can all clearly see this character is not Asian because he does not show off any karate skills. Secondly, he makes whooping noises and sticks his tongue out a lot. He’s essentially Arnie Grape with a flare gun. In which case, did Knoxville learn nothing from The Ringer?

Not that there’s anything wrong with a mentally-handicapped adult squaring off against a border-crossing psychopath. In fact, that’s a movie I’d really like to see. I just wish they’d play up that aspect in the marketing so I’m not left guessing.

Book Of Mormon star Josh Gad and Ryan Dixon are now set to script the treatment for Triplets, the Twins sequel that will be produced by Montecito for Universal Pictures. Dixon will write the script. The film has Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito attached to reprise their roles as the mismatched siblings, and Eddie Murphy is attached to play the third brother. Ivan Reitman will direct.

The entire scheme would be laughable if not for the fact that it ruins the plot of the original film. As you’ll recall, Schwarzenegger played a genetically pure superman who was created in a lab, while Danny DeVito played his subhuman byproduct twin brother. The science behind the film only works if one twin inherits all of the sought after genes, while the other inherits all of the undesirables. Adding a third brother to the mix, regardless of his race, totally invalidates the entire premise. Adding a black man only adds to the confusion. At what price diversity, America?

The 65-year old will star in Legend of Conan. It’s planned as a direct sequel to the 1982 original and will ignore the sequels, but not the fact that Conan is totally an old guy now. “This movie picks up Conan where Arnold is now in his life, and we will be able to use the fact that he has aged in this story. I love the property of Conan so much that I wouldn’t touch it unless we came up with something worthy. We think this is a worthy successor to the original film. Think of this as Conan’s Unforgiven,” producer and possible screenwriter on the movie Chris Morgan (47 Ronin, Wanted) told Deadline.

Momoa will have no connection to the film, and it’s unknown what the plot specifics will be. Also no word if Arnold will pass the mantle over to a son for sequels. Or to a secret son birthed with the wench hired to sweep his hut. There’s just so many places this plot can go.

If it weren’t for his eligible-for-retirement but still handy with a gatlin gun Southern sheriff, the Cartel could take over America. Thank you again for your service to this country, Mr. Schwarzenegger.

Darth Schwarzenegger

Arnold Schwarzenegger may not have been a big enough star at the time to make his way into the Star Wars films, but luckily someone was able to right that wrong. Here, Arnold is cast as the most nefarious villain in film, Darth Vader. No, he doesn’t stick to the script but he chews the scenery nonetheless. Face it, it’s just a matter of time before George Lucas decides to reboot the franchise. When he does, I think we have our heavy lined up.

His DVD Commentary Tracks

By and large, we can agree that DVD commentaries are rarely entertaining. However, in the case of Arnold Schwarzenegger films, lightning has struck multiple times. Not only is it just funny to hear Arnold’s perspective of the material, but it’s made all the richer when he’s had a few to drink before recording. It really gives you a glimpse into the man.

Conan the Barbarian DVD Commentary Track

Total Recall DVD Commentary Track

Terminator 3 DVD Commentary Track (From Nerd Bastards)

Arnold Sings About Birthday Cake

Wow. The Austrian version of the Happy Birthday song is way different than the one we sing in America. It’s way better too.

Every Arnold Scream From Every Arnold Movie

Our friends at FilmDrunk put together this very necessary super-cut of every time Arnold screams in his films. It’s transcendent. I actually threw out my white noise maker after watching, and now I use this to lull myself off to sleep. My skin has never looked healthier.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Prank Calls A Hotel

After years of Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboard prank calls to various businesses, I imagine it’s incredibly hard for the real Detective John Kimble to successfully order Chinese food or book a hotel room. He’s a cop, you idiots!!

Okay. You got me. I know nothing about cars. But I do know some Photoshop. And thus, I present…. Total Toyota Recall. A film by Paul Verhoeven.

The common plight of the child star is a life marred by drugs and alcohol, so I went into this fearing the worst. For instance, what became of the little boy who described penises and vaginas? You’d think porn, right? Or the It-Might-Be-A-Tumor Kid. Is he in some back alley giving unlicensed medical diagnoses? Lord, I hope not.

But actually, I was happily surprised to find that very few are messed up, and the ones that are don’t seem to be in a dark place. I couldn’t find a liquor store robbery amongst the bunch. They must have learned from Edward Furlong’s mistakes.

At any rate, I scoured the Internet to find out more about these little kids. It’s cool though. They’re all legal now. Check it out.

Miko Hughes as Joseph

Miko Hughes is probably the most memorable kid from Kindergarten Cop given his proclamation that boys have penises and girls have vaginas (smart kid). He’s also well remembered for his roles in Pet Sematary, Full House, New Nightmare, Mercury Rising, and Apollo 13. He still acts, but also works as a DJ at night under the name D.J. Cubed.

Also, somebody who is not me went through the effort to make this:

It’s glorious.

Jason Reitman as Kissing Kid

Young Adult director Jason Reitman‘s dad threw him a bone when it came time for a cameo role. A creepy, creepy bone. During a scene toward the end of the film, Arnold is searching the school for Dominic in order to keep him safe from Crisp. What he stumbles upon are two middle-schoolers making out. This was actually Jason’s first kiss.

“The worst part was getting directions from my dad,” recalls Jason. Hey! That man also directed the kissing in Six Days Seven Nights. Show some damn respect.

May I suggest “Get your ass to Mars,” “It’s not a tumor,” and “Get to the chopper!”

Some gentleman with the YouTube handle of “buzzclikverifyme” went through the trouble (pleasure?) of piecing together some choice bits from Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s Total Recall commentary. The commentary also features another bizarrely awesome accent, which I am going to assume belongs to Dutch director Paul Verhoeven.

I can’t do the clip justice. Simply put, it’s Arnie pointing out painfully obvious points about the film (especially to those who like the film enough to want to watch the commentary). Take four minutes out of your life and enjoy this clip that reminds us that we can’t stay mad at Arnold.

(Film Drunk)

This movie is going to do gangbusters in Germany.

(via Jo Blo)

The current plan by rights holder/awesome billionaire Megan Ellison and Arnold Schwarzenegger is to impregnate their housekeeper. Oops. Can cross that one off the list? The current plan is actually to put the first of two Terminator films into production in the fourth quarter of 2012. Which is exactly when Justin Lin will be making Vin Diesel and Paul Walker steal cargo from the underbelly of a speeding jet. However, Lin has been very involved with conceptualizing the upcoming Terminator film and wants to be involved should schedules work out or if another entry does come to fruition. However, Ellison finds herself in a race against time as her own Judgement Day will occur in 2018 when the film rights revert back to James Cameron. It’s of utmost importance that one or two slapped-together rush-job sequels are in theaters before that time. (Deadline)

Arnold will return to the cinema that has missed him so dearly with Captive. He will play an American real estate tycoon who is kidnapped while traveling abroad. While he searches for a way to break free from at armored truck parked in a Brazilian landfill (tried it once in college, lots of cleanup), a detective specializing in ransom cases races to find him. It’s good to see a small movie like this $250 million indie get a chance to be made. I’m inspired. (Deadline)

According to some guy in Bulgaria, the cast will consist of Stallone, Jason Statham, John Travolta, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke and Bruce Willis. Take this news with a grain of salt because it’s far from an official announcement but it would be pretty cool to see. No plot details have been given either, but let’s assume that Stallone and the other guys have to go up against Chuck Norris. They lose, of course. But that would be a fun fight to watch for a few minutes. (via Collider)

Deadline reports that Arnold won’t be getting as much as he had lined up for his participation in Cry Macho, but something tells me he will be pulling in enough to get food on the table, despite a shakier public image than he had this time last year.

Like every other western ever made, Last Stand is about an old, broken down man faced with the decision to stand up for a town or move on. At this point, we really needn’t discuss the inherent problems associated with an actor with a thick Austrian accent playing an old west gunslinger. It’s happening for the same reason that Skynet gave their cyborg an accent. Because it just happened, ok?

The film starts shooting in September, which probably can’t come fast enough for Arnie.

“Governor Schwarzenegger is focusing on personal matters and is not willing to commit to any production schedules or timelines. This includes ‘Cry Macho‘, The ‘Terminator‘ franchise and other projects under consideration. We will resume discussions when Governor Schwarzenegger decides.”

There it is. I don’t know what this means for the long-term future of these projects – maybe Schwarzenegger will be able to stage a comeback-comeback from his first failed attempt at a comeback.

I’m your son, you idiot!

Jack Sparrow in Love (MovieLine)

Cuban Babe Grinds (BarstoolSports)

Chinas Exploding Watermelon Technology (Holytaco)

Salt Director Remakes Bloodsport (FilmDrunk)

Megan Fox Gets Topless (CelebJihad)

When Toy Story Was Freaky (Unreality)

Awesom Super 8 (MovieFone)

Brad and Angelina Team Up (PopEater)

The Worst Muppets Ever (Smosh)

The Greatest Zombie Movies Of All Time (Ranker)

Fun For Geek Dads (BroBible)

Beyonce Hotness (Maxim)

TVs Best Space Explorers (Pajiba)

The Best Pirate Tattoos Ever (NextMovie)

Kimbo Slice Tries Boxing (CagePotato)

Joseph Gordon-Leavitt Is Badass (MadeMan)

Rockstar Cosplay (GameFront)

Olivia Pinheiro Hotness (TuVez)

“”After leaving the governor’s office I told my wife about this event, which occurred over a decade ago. I understand and deserve the feelings of anger and disappointment among my friends and family. There are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused. I have apologized to Maria, my children and my family I am truly sorry. I ask that the media respect my wife and children through this extremely difficult time. While I deserve your attention and criticism, my family does not.”

What next? Is he going to be a guest judge on “American Idol“? An awkward apology to all his fans on Letterman? Whatever it is, I hope there’s a lot of explosions. You just expect it from him, you know? (The Hollywood Reporter)

Seems like The Terminator is always battling for the future. Now it’s time for Terminator to take a breather and let other folks battle over his future for a change. You earned it, big guy.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has come back to the Terminator franchise — [Insert "I'll Be Back" Joke] — and Fast Five direct Justin Lin is also attached. Interest is clearly heating up like a vat of molten steel, because Lionsgate has competition for buying the rights from hedge fund Pacificor: Megan Ellison. You may remember hearing about Ellison on this very website, because the wealthy heiress is financing tons of interesting projects, like Kathryn Bigelow‘s Osama Bin Laden movie and Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master, along with last year’s True Grit. Lionsgate bid $29.5 million, but Ellison’s Annapurna Films bid higher. *Tension*

Who will control the new Schwarzenegger Terminator? Still waiting to see if Skynet throws in a bid. (Movieline)

Special features include a look into creating the effects and a retrospective of the film. These can be seen on earlier home versions of the film, though.

“A Twins sequel Knowing Arnold, Danny De Vito and Ivan Reitman are all still in touch and want to work together again, Universal came to them about it. It’s a germ of an idea that could spread fast.”

Well, there you have it. Perhaps we’ll be getting a Schwarzenegger throwback twofer, if this and the rumored Terminator movie both make it into production. Better idea: Combine the two for a Twins/Terminator crossover, featuring a robotic Danny DeVito mowing down civilians until he’s stopped by Schwarzenegger. I’d watch that. (What’s Playing)

The deal with financier QED International gives Arnold the big payday, plus 25% of the first dollar gross. QED will sell the worldwide distribution rights at Cannes. So: money, money, money.

In Cry Macho, Schwarzenegger plays a Kentucky Derby-winning horse breeder whose life turns to figurative horse shit. The only way he can keep his job is to kidnap the boss’ son from his ex-wife’s mansion in Mexico. Yeah, I think we’ve all been there, am I right? I guess we’ll have to see if this movie gallops to the front on the box office, so Schwarzenegger gets to keep his old job of starring in movies. (Deadline)

Air Force One

Being forced to sit through this Harrison Ford stinker would constitute torture in most of the Western world. But the ridiculous plot and the over-the-top American patriotism would surely hit Osama extra hard.

Navy Seals

Given that bin Laden was killed by a team of Navy Seals, forcing him to watch this shit fest seems fitting. And the fact that Charlie Sheen is in it is the icing on the cake. Even people living in Pakistan are sick of hearing about that guy.

Ishtar

Ishtar, starring Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman, is widely considered one of the biggest box-office flops of all time. Critical response wasn’t much better. Given the Middle-Eastern setting of the film, it’s a perfect fit for this list.

Yentl

Jews? Check. Empowered female? Check. Cross-dressing? Check. More Jews? Check. Barbra Streisand? Check. Yep, when it comes to torturing a Muslim extremist, this movie has it all.

Brokeback Mountain

Islamic extremists aren’t big fans of homosexuals. So a film about two gay cowboys is a nice addition to Osama’s new DVD collection. Extra points if he’s forced to watch while getting raped by demons.

Pearl Harbor

Any Michael Bay film would be right at home on this list. His entire filmography belongs in hell. But because of the patriotic subject matter, we chose Pearl Harbor. The actual World War II attack was only slightly more tragic than this awful film.

Team America: World Police

Unlike most of the other films on this list, Team America is awesome. But something tells us the humor will be lost on Osama.

True Lies

True Lies represents everything an Arnold Schwarzenegger film should be. Plus, it has Tom Arnold. As you know, Islamic extremists hate Tom Arnold.

Delta Force

Part of me thinks that the last thing Osama bin Laden saw before he died was Chuck Norris‘ smiling face. While that’s probably not true, the idea of bin Laden being forced to watch Delta Force on repeat for all eternity doesn’t seem that far fetched.

Honorable Mention: Season Two of”24“

Even though it’s a television show, we couldn’t leave Jack Bauer off this list. And given its plot line involving Middle-Eastern terrorists, season two of “24” should be mandatory viewing for Osama.

Based on something called a “book,” Arnie will play “a damaged-goods horse trainer who’s just been ignominiously put out to pasture by his feckless boss. In exchange for some retirement money, the broken — and broke — horseman agrees to kidnap the boss’s 11-year-old son from his rich Mexican ex-wife. Things take an unexpected turn, however, when the ex-wife is all too glad to be rid of her juvenile delinquent.”

Umm, what? Stuff is still going to blow up though, right? He needs to blow some stuff up. Maybe he finds out that the boy he kidnaps is actually the key to humanity’s salvation after the horses rise and start riding us instead. I definitely expect to see him battling oppressive horse overlords. They should put this footage in the Blu-Ray deleted scenes at the very least. (Vulture)

Although no details are available on the premise (since there’s no screenplay), nor a timeline here, it’s safe to say that this would probably take priority over any other projects, as whatever studio pays the $30mm or so to get this project will probably want to see a return on that investment sooner rather than later.

Don’t be surprised if this film takes place so far in the future that technology is such that cyborgs not only age, but get fat. But the technology still isn’t there to change an Austrian accent. (Deadline)

“I think one of the great things is that when I got started, no one would return my calls, and now I get a lot of phone calls, which is good.  I have options.  Terminator was one of my favorite films growing up.  And I feel I have a take that I would love to see, and I’ve talked with Arnold and we’ve talked and we’ll see.  Again, I would love to do it, but it has to be the right circumstances.  It has to be the right people.  And there’s other projects too.  But I’m in a position now that I can choose more than I could a year ago, two years ago.  So that is something that is potentially in my future, but when I get home I will sit down and look at my options and choose what I want to do.”

So basically, he might do it, but then again he might not. That’s just the kind of fickleness that a Terminator wouldn’t understand. You program a Terminator to do something, and he does it! None of this “only if it’s the right people” crap. Come on, Justin Lin. Is this what all that partying in Rio has done to you? (Collider)