Four hours earlier, everyone is preparing for the ceremony, including Cameron and Mitchell. While the two are having an extended conversation about birthing farm animals (and Claire), Cameron falls into a kiddie pool in the backyard. Mitchell laughs uncontrollably at the site of his husband falling, which doesn’t go over too well with Cam.

Meanwhile, Jay has returned home from the doctor with a droopy eye. Gloria and Manny worry, thinking he may be having a stroke, but Jay assures them it is nothing. What has actually happened is that Jay was talked into getting Botox by his dermatologist, and there was a slight mishap, causing his eye to temporarily droop. He confesses that he hasn’t felt this stupid since he bought a bracelet that supposedly helped to maintain balance. Cue flashback within a flashback of Jay getting knocked over while demonstrating the bracelet.

Back at the Dunphy’s, Alex is practicing her speech, when Haley overhears it and is horrified by the content. Alex is using the ceremony as a chance to settle old scores, and plans on mocking the popular kids for being vapid. Despite her sister’s protests, Alex plans to go ahead with the speech.

Later, the family has met up at Jay’s house for pre-ceremony refreshments. Mitchell tells the story of Cam falling in the pool to his relatives, but no one seems to find it funny. In fact, they go as far as to chastise him for being insensitive. But when Cam accidentally walks into a closed door, they all break down and laugh, causing Cam to remark that cruelty must be genetic.

As the family sets out to the ceremony, Jay’s driveway gate malfunctions, trapping the family inside. Since no one is able to figure out what is wrong with the gate, Gloria comes up with a plan. Claire and Phil can ride her bike to the ceremony, and the others will catch up when they can. Aside from advancing the plot, this scene allows for the bouncing of Sofia Vergara.

Desperate to arrive on time, Claire decides to go with the plan. Using his cheerleading skills, Phil pushes his wife up and over the gate. He asks Jay to do the same for him, but Jay walks away silently rather than touch Phil’s ass.

Haley and Alex arrive at the ceremony, and Haley makes one last plea to her sister about reconsidering the speech. She tells Alex that just because her classmates seem vapid, it doesn’t mean they don’t have their own problems. For example, Haley is worried because she has failed a class, which means she has to attend summer school and may have a hard time getting into college. For some reason, this causes Alex to reconsider. I guess the fact that Haley is failing her class because she’s a vapid moron was lost on her.

Although they look ridiculous, Claire and Phil seem to be making good time on Gloria’s tandem bike. However, the chain breaks, and the couple is left stranded on the side of the road.

Luckily, Phil is able to utilize his knowledge of Spanish to communicate with some gardeners, who give them a lift to the school. The fact that the gardeners speek perfect English doesn’t hurt matters.

Claire and Phil arrive just in time, although they are forced to scale a hill to get there.

Alex goes ahead with her speech, and instead of being vindictive, follows her sister’s advice and sticks mainly to clichés and song titles. The crowd responds positively, but I threw up a little in my mouth.

As the episode closes, Phil and Claire are saddened when Alex decides to go to a party rather than go out to dinner with the family. But when Haley offers to go instead, they feel as if their prodigal daughter has returned, and instantly begin smothering her.

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The episode begins with a joint birthday party for Jimmy and Maw Maw. When he was younger, Jimmy used to hate sharing his birthdays with Maw Maw, mainly because the parties were overrun with her friends. But thanks to time and a few debilitating strokes, now it’s Jimmy’s friends who populate the parties.

With that, we are transported back in time by five years, to the day before Maw Maw’s 80th birthday and Jimmy’s 18th. Jimmy is going through an awkward phase, which entails dressing like a cross between Marilyn Manson and Edward Scissorhands. Burt and Virgina are afraid to talk to him.

Maw Maw, on the other hand, is still going strong. She’s banging out crossword puzzles, doing back flips, and making the family breakfast. While serving Jimmy, she promises him a very special birthday surprise.

That night at midnight, she wakes everyone in the house with an air horn, and tells them Jimmy’s birthday surprise is on the lawn. Thinking it’s a trampoline, the family runs out to investigate. But all they find are their belongings, and a locked door behind them. Maw Maw is tired of having freeloaders in her house, and now that Jimmy is an adult, she feels no shame in kicking them to the curb.

Desperate for cash, the family turns to living in their van. In order to stretch a dollar, they all head to the grocery store for “lunch.” But instead of buying food, they run a series of scams to get a free meal.

At the store, we get a glimpse of the usual gang as they appeared in 2006. Sabrina, who still has braces, is applying for a job at the store. Barney is morbidly obese. Shelley and Frank are shelf stocking experts.

Even Lucy, Hope’s serial killer mom, is spotted, along with her condescending boyfriend (Danny Masterson). I doubt Masterson will become a regular since it is implied that his character is Lucy’s first victim.

After the grocery store, the family heads over to Virgina’s coworkers home to live in the basement. However, Jimmy is banded from the house when he is mistaken for devil by the owner’s elderly, Spanish speaking mother. Rather than wash off his makeup, Jimmy heads out on his own. On the other hand, Burt isn’t fairing well in the basement, when he manages to wind up in a spitting match with home-owner’s llama.

With no where to turn, Jimmy begins hiding in the DVD return box at the store and waiting for the employees to go home. He spends his nights eating for free and bathing in the produce sprinklers.

In Jimmy’s absence, Burt and Virgina plead with Maw Maw to let them return. She refuses, and calls the family “losers.” The insult causes the couple to reevaluate their lives. The make a budget, get serious about their jobs, and start saving money to repay Maw Maw.

After coming up with their plan, Burt and Virgina head over to Maw Maw’s to start paying her back. Once there, they realize her mind is slipping after she repeatedly asks about long dead relatives. Although they are committed to no longer being freeloaders, they decide they should move in to help take care of the woman who took care of them.

Meanwhile, Jimmy’s plan is exposed by Barney, who suspected the store had been infiltrated by a gypsy. In the ensuing melee, Shelley is hit in the teeth by a can, Barney realizes he needs to have gastric bypass surgery, and Sabrina shows up a minute too late, dressed as a goth chick, hoping to catch Jimmy’s eye. Apparently, his goth persona reminded her of a character from her Twilight books.

After fleeing the store, Jimmy runs into Burt, who hides him from the cops. After the chase, Jimmy decides to go back to being himself and stop wearing the makeup. Together, they all go inside to celebrate with Maw Maw, who agrees to let the family stay, so long as they never let her granddaughter Virginia and her no good husband back into the house.

With that, we flash back to 2011, where everyone is celebrating yet another birthday for Maw Maw and Jimmy. As the show winds down, Burt and Jimmy reminisce about Jimmy’s make-up wearing days. Unaware of Sabrina’s attraction to goth guys, Jimmy makes Burt swear to never mention his awkward phase to her, lest it hurt his chances.

All and all, I can’t think of a better way for the show to have wrapped up, and I’m happy about the fact that it managed to get renewed.

The episode begins with Annie, dressed as an old-West prostitute, rescuing Fat Neil from a group of angry paintballers in the Greendale hallway. After eliminating the posse, she is given a slick Western style intro dubbing her the queen of hearts. As she walks away, Fat Neil pulls a double-cross, picking up a gun and aiming at Annie’s back. But he’s to slow (probably because he’s fat) and Annie takes him out. Yes, the “paintball assassin” game is back…but why?

After a The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly styled intro, we flash back a few hours to find the entire gang, alongside their classmates, attending a “last day of school hoedown and picnic” sponsored by Pistol Patty’s Cowboy Creamery. That explains the Western garb everyone is wearing. But what of the paintball? The Dean announces that there will be a small game this year, but in order to avoid the chaos of last year, the prizes will be of little value. However, when Pistol Patty, a talking ice-cream cone with a cowboy hat, takes the microphone, she informs the students that $100,000 is at stake. Anarchy erupts as everyone scrambles for their weapons.

We flashback to Anne, who is held up in a science lab eating beans. Abed, dressed as Clint Eastwood, manages to infiltrate her hideout, and brings a message from Jeff inviting her to join up with them. She grudgingly accepts, and the two set out, only to find Winger and Chang pinned down by gunfire from the Math Club.

Chang, realizing that the Math Club is all Asian, switches sides. But in the confusion, Abed manages to save Jeff. Despite the fact that his Math Club comrades have all been eliminated, Chang lives to see another day.

Soon after, Jeff, Abed and Annie are confronted by The Black Rider, a gun-slinging stranger whose good looks make Jeff feel uncomfortable. The conversation quickly turns south, and the gang is forced to flee from the mysterious marksman.

Here is a shot of Annie running in slow motion. That is all.

Annie and her companions manage to escape, locking themselves in a stairwell. While catching their breath, they are set upon by Troy, Shirley, and Britta, who have been deputized by “Fort Hawthorne,” a safe area created by Pierce in the cafeteria.

It turns out that there is a bounty on Jeff’s head. He is wanted, “gay and alive.” So Jeff, Abed and Annie agree to go peacefully and speak with Pierce.

Once at “Fort Hawthorne,” Pierce is overly friendly to his study group pals, offering them entertainment in the form of dancers (including a male dancer for Jeff…because he’s gay).

Although the group initially distrusts his motives, at Annie’s urging, they decide to take him at his word. They all agree to set out in search of last year’s paintball gun stash, with the hope it will tip the game in their favor, and the money can be split seven ways. As the group sets out in search of the stash, Annie explains her reasons for trusting Pierce. She feels as if the study group is her family, and with family, you don’t get to pick and choose. If the group turns its back on Pierce, who is next? Jeff begrudgingly accepts her explanation, and gives her his gun for protection. But as he walks off, Annie hears a noise coming from the next room. A group of cheerleaders is about to execute Chang (in a cheerleader outfit) for betraying them. Annie steps in and shoots the girls, but Chang slips away. While in hot pursuit, Annie is confronted by The Black Rider.

After flirting with Annie, The Black Rider attempts to shoot her with her own gun (given to her by Jeff). However, it is filled with blanks. Just then, Jeff and Abed arrive and rescue her, but the Black Rider escapes unscathed. Thankful for being rescued, Annie informs Jeff the Pierce had provided him with a blank gun.

Meanwhile, Troy and the others have located the dean, covered in paint, hiding in a locker. When pressed, he admits that the paintball supplies from last year are still at the school, but he’s locked them up so the campus won’t be destroyed.

After seeing that the school has already been demolished, he relents, and allows Jeff and the gang to take the weapons. The group then sets off to get their revenge on Pierce. Once back at the camp, Annie discovers that most of the inhabitants have bee taken out by The Black Rider. However, she finds Pierce hiding in a closet. When he comes out waving a white flag, she fires repeatedly at him, causing him to run into the open where he is surrounded by the study group.

Annie confronts him about his betrayal of Jeff, and informs him that earlier in the week, the group had voted on whether or not to banish him. Only her vote had spared him, but now she is fed up with his treachery. But just as the two are about to dual, The Black Rider appears. At Jeff’s request, The Black Rider agrees to let the showdown between Annie and Pierce play out, but makes it known that as soon as it’s over, everyone else is fair game. A tense, four-way showdown develops, but is brought to a quick halt when Pierce complains of chest pains.

Despite the repeated warnings of the group, The Black Rider rushes to Pierce’s aid, and is promptly shot. Emboldened by his successful treachery, Pierce grabs one of The Black Rider’s shotguns and makes his escape, vowing revenge as he flees. In an angry rant, The Black Rider himself confesses that he doesn’t attend the school (except for an online course), and he was paid to win so that his “boss” can keep the prize money.

As the group attempts to make sense of what has happened, Chang, still blindfolded, runs into the parking lot, screaming for help. He is immediately cut down by a high-powered paintball gun within the Pistol Patty’s truck.

The episode ends with a special forces paintball team exiting the Pistol Patty’s truck, followed by Pistol Patty herself. Addressing her troops, she enacts “Plan B,” informing the men that no student must be allowed to wi the tournament.

All and all, the episode was amazing. I have no idea where they are going with the Pistol Patty plot, but maybe that’s just my own pop-culture ignorance. But at any rate, I can’t wait to find out.

The episode starts off with the Dunphy clan preparing gifts for Mom’s big day. But excitement turns to confusion when Claire comes in wearing an old tee-shirt with hand marks on her breasts. Apparently, it was a Mother’s Day gift from when the kids were younger, but Haley thinks the shirt makes it look like her mother was sexually assaulted by a creepy neighbor with small hands.

While the Dunphy’s are busy with their gifts, Cameron and Mitchell are having a celebration of their own, as Mitch prepares breakfast in bed for his husband. However, after realizing it is Mother’s Day, Cameron rejects the gift, insulted by the fact that he is viewed as the wife and mother in the relationship.

Meanwhile, Phil and Jay are cooking a Mother’s Day meal while the women and children are off on a hike. The children are completely bored by the hike, while back at the house, Jay does his best not to be annoyed by Phil’s constant assholery (dancing and singing, impersonating Julia Child, wearing “onion glasses” to avoid tears, etc.).

During the meal prep, Phil finds a “recipe for a perfect mom” that Jay wrote as a gift for his own mother as a boy. It triggers a flood of memories for Jay, and he begins to tear up. When Phil comments on it, Jay quickly puts on the onion glasses and pretends nothing is wrong.

At the canyon, the children’s constant complaining has forced the mothers to leave them behind in the hope of teaching them a lesson. On the other hand, Cameron and Mitchell are doing their best to patch things up while attending a Mother’s Day barbecue with Lily. However, Cameron’s insecurities are brought back into the open when the other partygoers force him to be in the Mom’s photograph, proving that it’s not only Mitchell who views him as “the woman” in the relationship.

At the Canyon, Gloria and Claire, now sans children, are discussing the selfishness of their offspring. Claire admits that sometimes she would like nothing more than to hit her children, a revelation that causes Gloria to recoil in disgust. However, after further coaxing from Claire, Gloria admits that sometimes Manny doe drive her crazy, and she wishes that he would act more like other boys his age (going outside, throwing a ball, stealing) rather than writing poetry and following her around the house. Surprise, surprise: Manny is standing right behind her and hears the whole confession.

Back in the kitchen, Phil tries to comfort Jay with a hug. Jay wants nothing to do with it, and Phil is forced to wonder, as he does in every damn episode, why Jay can’t show his emotions.

Still reeling from the photo incident, Cameron is being extremely touchy about the issue of his masculinity. So when a group of children at the park ask him to throw their ball back to them, he takes the simple request as an insult. Determined to prove himself as a man, he heaves the ball as far as he can, hitting a random elderly biker in the process.

Back at the canyon, Gloria manages to make up with Manny, telling him that she was lying in order to make Claire feel better about her parenting issues. Claire doesn’t buy it, but lets it go, attempting to make up with her own kids. However, the Dunphy children have formed a pact, and are refusing to apologize. Once back at the house, Cameron begins drinking scotch to help drown his sorrows. Mitchell comes over to cheer him up by showing him a mother’s day card. This does nothing to help, and Cameron rips it to shreds.

After informing his angry husband that Manny gave that card to Gloria, Mitchell explains that the best qualities of a mother (warmth, kindness, etc.) are all traits that Cameron has in spades, and he shouldn’t be insulted by the comparison. Cameron is relieved about the entire situation, especially since it means he can stop drinking scotch, which burns his throat. During the family meal, Jay is once again brought to tears by the thought of his mother. The outburst of emotion causes the Dunphy children to break down and apologize to their mother, and everyone at the table aside from Manny and Mitchell take part in a group hug. Manny offers to hug Mitchell, but he callously declines.

As the night winds down, the Dunphy children fall asleep beside their mom on the couch. Phil attempts to capture the touching moment with a photo, but is chastised by his ungrateful family when the flash wakes them up. I assume that the next few episodes will involve Phil abandoning his family and in order to kill Jay and have sex with Gloria, but only time will tell.

So, what did you think about last night’s episode? Personally, I thought it was a little too sappy, but then again, maybe I’m just upset that Jay didn’t use the Al Bundy crying face when he had his break down.

Where to begin? How about at the beginning? While working for his father’s lawn service, Jimmy discovers a large praying mantis. This is exciting, since the bug is large enough to fight the beetle he and his father have been saving. Excited by the prospected of a good old-fashioned bug fight, Jimmy immediately stops what he is doing in order to inform his dad.

However, Burt seems less than impressed by Jimmy’s discovery. For some reason, he is working with his shirt off and seems anxious for his son to leave. Confused, Jimmy hides behind a bush, and catches his father in the act of flirting with his female client.

Back at the house, Jimmy confronts Burt about the incident. While attempting to convince his son that the flirting is harmless, Virginia returns home and demands to know what her husband has been up to at work. Burt remains unapologetic, claiming that over the years, his flirting with clients has put a lot of food on the table. He might not have much in the way of intelligence, but “his guns” bring home the bacon.

Both Jimmy and Virgina are troubled by the revelation, but both are encouraged by their friends to give flirting a try for themselves. Sylvia goads Virgina into flirting with a barista, which results in a box of free scones. Sabrina also stops modeling her new “crab earnings” long enough to admit to Jimmy that she flirts with their manager in order to get better treatment at work.

While Virgina is learning the joys of flirting, Burt is attempting to appease his wife by changing his old ways. While working as a pool boy, he confronts the homeowner from earlier in the episode, and puts an end to their flirtatious relationship.

Jimmy, on the other hand, is flirting like a champ. Although technically, it’s with his straight male boss, so maybe it just counts as ass kissing. In any event, after complimenting Barney (his manager) on his robust physique, Jimmy ends up becoming his work out partner, and gets out of dead moth clean-up duty. This does not sit well with Sabrina, who feels Jimmy is encroaching on her territory.

Empowered by her flirtation at the coffee shop, Virgina returns home and apologizes to Burt for being jealous, and gives him full permission to flirt with his customers. The next day, Burt is excited to get back on the flirt train. However, now that he and his customer have acknowledged their sexual tension, all the thrill is gone. Not even a shirtless drink from the hose can help bring it back.

Virgina seems to have the opposite problem. Her flirtation backfires when she is on a housekeeping assignment and discovers the barista from earlier in the episode naked, except for a few properly placed rose peddles. He mistook her flirtations for something more serious, and is devastated to learn that Virgina is not interested.

Later, Virgina is horrified when her friend Sylvia shows up with the barista. At the coffee shop, the broken hearted man was pouring his heart out, and rather than listen, Sylvia figured it would be easier to pawn him off on Virgina. Luckily, Burt is able to diffuse the situation by building up the barista’s confidence, which prompts the man to call Burt “his new best friend.”

With the barista issue settled, Virgina tells Burt that he’s more than just his muscles, and that his ability to make people feel good about themselves is his real talent. Rather than kissing his “guns,” Burt decides to reward himself by kissing is brain. The attempt ends poorly.

In the end, Jimmy is out flirted at work by Sabrina. However, Burt decides to pass the torch onto his son, who shirtlessly rides of into the sunset on a lawnmower.

What were your favorite “Maw Maw” scenes from last night’s episode?

The show begins with Marshall leaving his job at GNB in order to pursue a position at an environmental firm. However, his manager, Arthur (Bob Odenkirk), sabotages his chances by telling the prospective employer that Marshall hates the environment, clubs baby seals, and comes to work without pants.

Angered by the double cross, Marshall decides to get back at his former employer by lending his support to Zoey’s cause (preventing the demolition of the Arcadian Hotel by GNB). This angers Barney to no end. He helped Marshall land the job, and feels completely betrayed. Vowing revenge, Barney does something, most likely of a sexual nature, to Marshall’s megaphone.

As retaliation, Marshall spreads rumors that Barney is married to a pregnant woman and that he has crabs that have been diagnosed with herpes. As a result, the confrontation escalates to the point of a physical fight, which gets everyone banned from the bar. Desperate for a resolution, the girls decide to get the guys wasted with the hope that they will then be able to open up to each other emotionally. This requires the right type of alcohol, so the girls do some research to figure out the perfect cocktail. Martini’s are ruled out, since it brings out the bisexual in Lily. Red wine is ruled out, because it turns Barney into a sad, introspective drunk. Absinthe is also off the table, since it sends Robin into an alternate reality in which she thinks she is part of a baby’s dream.

Ted, who is getting ready to go on a trip with Zoey, suggests bourbon, since it gives him the uncanny ability to beat box. However, Lily informs him that bourbon only causes him to think he’s a good beat boxer, a revelation which shatters his ego.

Other drinks are ruled out for various reasons, including the fact that some cause Marshall to become violent (hence the clip below, where he plays chicken with a mirror). Eventually, the two men end up patching things up over beers. They are readmitted to the bar, and all is right with the world…or so it seems.

Meanwhile, Ted and Zoey are fighting over the Arcadian Hotel. Ted can’t understand why Zoey would jeopardize his firm’s project over such a run-down dump. In order to prove his point, he cancels their weekend getaway and books a room at the Arcadian. Despite the communal bathrooms and the lingering threat of hooker ghosts, Zoey maintains her love for the hotel, confessing that when she was younger, her poverty stricken family was forced to live there. After the revelation, Ted confesses his love to Zoey, but the moment is quickly broken up by the appearance of the cockamouse, the half-roach half-mouse creature that used to live at Ted’s apartment. It has now settled at the hotel, and Ted is touched to see it is raising a family. Zoey is less than impressed, and the two flee the hotel.

The next morning, Marshall and Barney wake up and begin fighting as if nothing has changed. Confused, the girls determine that the men ended up drinking so much that they blacked out and forgot about the reconciliation. Disappointed, Lily and Robin decide to drown their sorrows in Absinthe.

So, at the end of the episode, both Ted and Marshall are aligned against Barney over the issue of the hotel, and Zoey and Ted seem to be growing even closer in their relationship. With just a few more episodes left in the season, how will these issues resolve? Prediction, Zoey will chain herself to the hotel, and will be killed during its demolition, wrapping up all the lose ends in a satisfying matter.