Let’s start out with Confessions: Animal Hoarding. This show is basically Intervention, except instead of “helping” people who are addicted to drugs, it “helps” people who are addicted to kitty cats. Last night we followed Mike, a chef whose small home had been overrun with cats to the point where his wife had left and he was forced to live in a camper. Keep in mind, this was not some elaborate scheme to get rid of the wife. Watching a man shoveling cat excrement off his kitchen floor is bad enough, but knowing he’s a member of the food service industry made it even more disturbing.

Then we have X Factor. From what I can tell, there are only two differences between this show and American Idol. First off, the black guy is skinnier and doesn’t say “dog.” Second, rather than having the auditions in a private room with the judges, they take place in a stadium filled with thousands of people. That might not seem like a big deal until you watch an elderly couple making fools of themselves in front of a live audience. For example, Dan and Venita, who are a combined age of 153. The people in charge of picking the contestants saw fit to wave this couple through to the judges table so that they could do this on national television…

Classy.

But X Factor doesn’t stop with the elderly. Why should it when there is so much fresh meat available in the form young children. For example, there was 13-year-old Rachel Crow who the press is already gushing about. Sure, I guess she’s “adorable.” But I’ll bet the adorableness wears off in about five years once Hollywood has spit her out and she’s turning tricks for crank in the Ralph’s parking lot on Sunset. But hey, maybe she can keep the fame-train going with a stint on Intervention. Circle of life, ya know?

Two years 'til rehab!

To be clear, both shows are awful, and both shows take advantage of their subjects. But at the end of the day, at least Confessions: Animal Hoarding supposedly helps the people involved, and they manage to do it without the pseudo-inspirational top-40 soundtrack. Mike the cat-hoarding chef ended up with a therapist and a clean house. All Dan and Venita got was humiliated.

Yes, X Factor’s contestants chose to be on TV. No one is holding a gun to their heads, although I imagine quite a few of them have probably held guns to their own heads. And in all fairness, the winner of X Factor will get a $5 million recording contract, not to mention their own Pepsi ad. As Paula Abdul pointed out, “To have a commercial is above and beyond any wild dream that any artist could have.”

Even so, I’d rather watch a guy swim in cat poop than sit through X Factor ever again.

Last night during the Super Bowl halftime show, any one with an ounce of self respect changed the channel in disgust as the Black Eyed Peas took the stage. But the real question is what did you watch? If you’re a single guy, or were at least watching with a predominantly male group, you probably switched of to the Lingerie Bowl. Yeah, in a world where seeing hot naked lesbians is only a few key strokes away, seeing girls in their underwear just doesn’t carry the weight it once did. But even so, it’s enjoyable to watch.

For those of you with wives and, or children, chances are you got stuck watching the Puppy Bowl. For those of you that fall into that camp, all I can say is I know your pain.

I like puppies. I like football. By that logic, I should at least be able to tolerate the Puppy Bowl, right? Wrong. After 30 seconds, I was pulling my hair out. That being said, I watched it all, and it was still better than sitting through will.i.am. And for that, I’m grateful. With that in mind, here are the highlights of Puppy Bowl VII.

Getting Ready for the Puppy Bowl

If you look closely, this isn’t really about the Puppy Bowl at all. It’s actually a cleverly disguised car commercial. I bet you were fooled by the seamless product placement. Don’t feel bad. I have a trained eye for this sort of thing. After all, I majored in communication.

Pregame

In case you weren’t up to speed on the regular season, the pre-game show gave you a run down of what to expect. The only problem is that there is no regular season, and the only thing to expect is a bunch of dogs running around.

The Starting Lineup

Now we’re getting down to the nitty gritty. Even a completely jaded asshole like myself enjoyed seeing the starting line up. As long as they keep that ref out of the way, this might be tolerable.

Play Under Review

Well, I spoke to soon. Did you really need to review the play? That son of a bitch clearly didn’t cross the goal line. I can call him a son of a bitch because he’s a dog. The sponsors can’t get mad at that.

Half Time: Show Me Your Pussies

They’re cats. Get it? Get it? Ugh.

Final Touchdown

I’m not going to lie. That last touchdown was pretty exciting. And it was more offense than you usually see in a typical Chicago Bears game. The rats in the blimp were also a nice touch.

CB Wins MVP

Screw CB. I had $100 on Big Red winning. I’m beginning to think the whole thing is rigged.

Puppy Bowl VII Music Video

It’s like the Super Bowl shuffle, except with dogs, and it’s a lot less embarrassing.

The Ref

How disgraceful. This is someone’s son. He has to wake up and look himself in the mirror every day. But, he’s a stronger man that I am. I stick to writing about Puppy Bowl on the internet, where no one can see my shame.