In cranking out three sequels, most recently with American Reunion, the producers have kept scrounging for reasons to check in with the Great Falls Class of 1999. The second one offered a summer together during college. The third one offered Jim’s wedding. And this installment offers perhaps the most convoluted reason yet: A 13-year reunion. Why 13 years? It’s better if you don’t ask, but a throwaway explanation is given in the film.

Years later, we see that the hopeful, fun kids we met in high school are now just really, really boring adults trying to navigate adult-y issues that aren’t that fun to watch. There’s something far less interesting and more sad about a married couple (Jim and Michelle) trying to get their sex life back on track than there is about goofy teenagers stepping into that world for the first time, or even the second and third. That might be due to the fact that personalities tend to shine a little less bright as people make their way to adulthood, but a bigger factor is probably that the actors aren’t exactly breaking new ground here.

I don’t know how long it’s been since Eddie Kaye Thomas or Thomas Ian Nicholas have had to carry a film or even a scene, but they move through this film like they are contractually obligated to perform for zero dollars. The caveat of the premise is that adults ARE more boring, so there’s a decent chance that the two aforementioned actors nailed their roles, but in doing so made their characters so real that they fail to hold our interest.

The opening of the film sets the table in efficient fashion, offering us peeks into the lives of the characters. The title scene offers us the first cringe-worthy sex gag in the same way the Scream opening scenes offer us our first vicious kill. It shows Jim and Michelle in adjacent rooms masturbating, and (MILD SPOILER ALERT!) Jim slams his dick in a laptop. The couple realizes marriage and child-rearing has caused them to lose their spark in bed.

Oz (Chris Klein) is a famous sportscaster, living the dream life with his uber-hot girlfriend played by Katrina Bowden. It becomes almost instantly clear that despite the façade of a dream life, he isn’t quite as Hollywood as his partner, and longs for a more domestic existence. Cry me a goddamn river.

Kevin is something of a stay-at-home husband, whose wife has neutered him through countless viewings of The Bachelor and Real Housewives. His plight is never really developed beyond the superficial “I miss hanging with the boys” conceit, but the whole situation seems to just exist to have him fawn all over his ex, played by Tara Reid. Tara Reid manages to look like she wandered onto the set, as she has in most every role she’s ever taken.

Finch pulls up as the world’s most interesting man, having travelled the globe in a zen-like search of enlightenment. Finch’s quest to become one with the world appears to have been successful, as Thomas plays the role as if he’s been pumped full of Xanax and could have cigarettes put out on him. The restrained character seemed to unintentionally serve as an audience surrogate, just taking it all in and not really worrying what these idiots are up to, because life has a way of working out.

And Stifler. Stifler turns out the way most guys like Stifler turn out. Beaten down by life, realizing that they mortgaged their future by behaving like caged animals in high school and college. That said, Seann William Scott’s enthusiasm for the role is one of the few compelling facets of this film. He comes across as genuinely excited for the opportunity to destroy jet skis and poop in a cooler, and as such punctuates the film with the childhood whimsy that has been lacking in the sequels. Of course, this wonder is tapered by a work obligation he must address to prove that even he is capable of growing up.

These arcs are established in the first 15 minutes or so of the film, leaving a long time for the characters to go on their predictable journeys, with breasts and painful close-up of Jason Biggs penis along the way. It would seem that, since the first film, the American Pie franchise has turned into the Police Academy of sex comedies. There’s a starting point, an ending point, and a parade of scenes that can be played in any order without much affecting where the film ends up. When the characters were 20, the journey was the point, but now it gets more difficult to figure out what the point of the film really is.

A few offhand comments:

• John Cho appears briefly in a great scene that demonstrates that enthusiasm for this film is best confined to 45-second bursts.
• We see Jason Bigg’s penis. Whether we want to or not.
• Jim’s Dad lost his wife. Although it’s glossed over, it’s probably the only genuinely stirring moment of the film.
• Chris Klein really looks the part of an over-the-top sportscaster. I would watch him on ESPN, provided he changed his catchphrase.
• It’s truly amazing that this film still holds sacred its silly generic 90’s-rock soundtracks. The music sucks, but it’s one of the more charming and nostalgic features this far into the franchise.

However, that sentiment can be difficult to convey in 90 minutes with characters we’re just meeting. Thus, film franchises can often play to nostalgia with ease, as the characters have already been developed, so we can get right to the plot, as is done in the upcoming American Reunion movie. However, establishing a film franchise isn’t as easy at it sounds, so many of the most memorable (good, bad, or otherwise) reunion films are stand alone, taking us back to high school, college, or even grade school.

These are their stories.

(cue Law & Order music)

The Big Chill

Perhaps the ultimate reunion movie, this film brings back together a gaggle of college friends 15 years later for the funeral of a friend. Characters from many different stations in life all get together to reminisce about the old days.

The name says it all. High school reunions are often dreaded by those who were once popular and now aren’t, as well as those who weren’t popular and still aren’t. In fact, the only people that really should like reunions are the rags to riches story, but they’re generally above the competition having achieved success later in life.

While Romy and Michelle certainly didn’t become world beaters, they want to convince everyone that they are, even claiming that they invented Post-It notes for 3M, which is pretty damn funny. Of course, their resiliency pays off, and they end up with the reunion of their dreams, even flying off in a helicopter.

And, of course, the whole thing is soundtracked with some killer 1980’s songs. This film is worth it for the “Time after Time” interpretive dance alone.

In honor of the release of American Reunion, which hits theaters April 6th, we’ve put together this reenactment of the original film’s most famous scene. Only instead of an awkward teenager going to town on an apple pie, there’s an old man humping away on the titular dessert. I hope you like old-man ass, cause this clip’s got it in spades. Bonus points for the extremely elderly Eugene Levy stand in.

Elizabeth Hurley

Elizabeth Hurley has been a screen hottie ever since she bet on black in Passenger 57. Since that debut she has gone on to become a successful actress, model, entrepreneur, and mother of one. She also claims to have not watched television since 1979. That explains why she agreed to appear on Gossip Girl.

Mary Louise Parker

A mother of two in real life, Mary Louise Parker is best known for her role on Showtime’s Weeds where she deals pot and gets naked. Perhaps she’s a method actress? Dear Lord, it would be phenomenal if she were a method actress.

Heidi Klum

This mother of four is recently single and likely to be ready to mingle. Soon she’ll be looking for the perfect partner to play dress up with. If the idea of this gorgeous German model playing dress up turns you on, I should make it clear that I’m referring to her dressing up as a snake slinking through an apple, an alien, and the Hindu goddess Kali as she has done over the past few years on Halloween. If that still turns you on, ewww.

Perhaps what distinguishes this film from American Wedding (ugh) is the fact that the nostalgia here is a lot more warranted, and the kids are all grown up. Sure, there are some contrivances, like Eugene “Caterpillars” Levy banging out Stifler’s Mom and the whole babysitter plotline, but when I hear the opening notes of “Closing Time” by Semisonic, or that familiar chorus from “Laid” by James, I’m a dumb 19 year-old again.

Also, let’s all enjoy how similar 2012 Jason Biggs looks to 1999 Jason Biggs, and marvel at how Thomas Ian Nichols seems to have aged more than the once-homeless Natasha Lyonne. Poor Thomas Ian Nichols. He peaked with Little Big League. Or Rookie of the Year. Does it really matter which one he was ACTUALLY in?

We’ve seen a teaser before, but this is our first look at the full cast returning for American Reunion. Where the teaser gave us a notion of the R-Rated antics we’re in store for, this trailer goes the clean route and merely points out how these actors never really rose above these roles. Who would have thought that an American Pie sequel could be such a lame attempt to cash in on name recognition?

God must really hate this guy.

9 photosGet To Know Katrina Bowden

Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Thomas Ian Nicholas, John Cho, Shannon Elizabeth, and yes, Sean William Scott, all return for American Reunion on April 6, 2012. (TooFab)

9 photosGet To Know Katrina Bowden

The long national wait is over. In news that is certain to give the guy who plays The Shermanator a semi, Shannon Elizabeth has agreed to return to the sexiness that is American Reunion. And thus, the final piece is in its rightful place. Filmmakers John Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg may relax and begin shooting scenes where Seann William Scott is tricked into eating poop that has been farted upon without the threat of a continuity lapse nagging at them.

Elizabeth will be made uncomfortable when she is gawked at by the also returning Scott, Chris Owens, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Jason Biggs, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Chris Klein, Eugene Levy, and Jennifer Coolidge. Hey, her eyes are up here, Coolidge. (Deadline)

9 photosGet To Know Katrina Bowden

I fear for Bowden in this role. How is she going to play an L.A. party girl while Tara Reid is standing in the same room? That’s a lot of pressure to get it right. It’s like imitating De Niro to his face. (Variety)

Meanwhile, you can also take part in the open audition for American Reunion, the latest American Pie movie. There are many returning cast members in this one, so you can chat on-set and in-person with Jason Biggs, Thomas Ian Nicholas and Mena Suvari. I know, better put on shades, cause the stars will be shining brightly where you’re going. Here’s a description of what Universal is looking for:

“Kara is the sweet girl next door you used to babysit… now she’s a senior in high school and a full blown hottie. We are looking for someone funny, smart and beautiful to be a part of this next installment of the American Pie franchise. [...] Upper frontal nudity is required.”

Upper frontal… but that would mean… the boob area. Nice.

If you’re actually seriously thinking about doing this, head to americanreunioncasting.com.

Stiffler, band camps and pie sexing will all be back in theaters April 6, 2012. The first three were Summer releases, which makes me wonder if Universal thinks this pie will be tasty enough for blockbusterdom. However, on a high note (that’s gonna be a pun – wait for it), the film is being written and directed by Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg of “Harold and Kumar” fame. (Note the word “high” earlier.)

The cast include a veritable who’s-who of actors who have nothing better going on, including Jason Biggs, Seann William Scott, Chris Klein, and American Pie All-Star Check Collector Eugene Levy. Other Pie alums are playing hard-to-get, but will almost certainly acquiesce, like Tara Reid and Mena Suvari. (TheWrap)

Charles Manson, one of the original cowboys, is experiencing an upsurge in popularity recently, perhaps due to the fact that he was a raving paranoiac before Glenn Beck made it cool. He’s got at least three movies in development all about him, including The Family and Manson Girls. But the movie we’re here to discuss is called Eyes of a Dreamer, which Lindsay Lohan is attached to. Now, shock-rocker/sad little man Marilyn Manson is in talks to play Charles Manson’s right-hand man Tex Watson. Gidddiiiyyyyaaaaap, people who want to see “detailed recreations” of the Manson murders!! (CinemaBlend)

OK pardners, you might be a-wonderin’ whether Chris Klein is gonna be in that newfangled American Pie sequel, American Reunion. Welp, I’m here to tell you that he is, returnin’ to the part he made famous, that of “Oz,” the lacrosse player. Lacrosse!? I don’t even know what to say about that, so instead I’ll tie a sheepshank and be done with it. (MovieWeb)

Josuha Jackson, who probably wouldn’t know a diamondback rattler from a stump toad, is set to appear in Lay the Favorite, a movie based on Beth Raymer’s memoir. I’d make a joke about how a cowboy would never read a “memoir,” but true cowboys don’t traffic in class warfare. Yee-haw! (Variety)

Now I can see yer gettin’ a littl restless, much as if you had Yankee spiders in yer boots. Don’t fret though, this is the last one: Michael Peña has signed on to the Jake Gyllenhaal police thriller End of Watch. Yip! Yip! (Variety)

Maybe this will finally be the installment where she puts that flute in her p*ssy.

Of course, her character in the film is married and has a child with Jason Bigg’s Jim, so that could just be really gross. In fact, her relationship with Jim forms the crux of this entry, so perhaps she just got tired of Eddie Kaye Thomas’ voicemails telling her she should TOTALLY do it, cause “remember how much fun we had on those old ones? Wasn’t that awesome?” (Deadline)

1. The film will center around the characters’ 10-yea high school reunion.
2. Oz is the one who made it big, on a reality dancing show.
3. Stiffler, on the other hand, is not doing well, professionally or romantically.
4. The now happily-married Jim has to fend off the advances of next-door-neighbor Kara, who apparently has a thing for “pie-f*ckers.”
5. This doesn’t sit well with Marco, who’s dating Kara (drama!)
6. Stiffler makes it with Laurie, who was hot in high school but is now 80 pounds less hot.
7. Jim has “gone viral,” as the kids say, for his performance with from way back with Nadia
8. Oz brings a girlfriend who apparently is only with him for his money.
9. Stiffler has a wacky plan to attend the reunion and go to work – on the same weekend!
10. Former bandcamp attendee Michelle is hot now, teaching us all a valuable lesson about hotness.

And now I’ve officially written more about American Reunion than I ever thought I would. You’re welcome. It’s not like I had anything better to do. (via What’s Playing)

What do Seann William Scott, Corned Beef Recipes, and Tibetan Mastiffs all have in common? Nothing, except at the moment they’re all trending topics on Google. And while we here at Screen Junkies strive to bring you quality original content day in and day out, we’re still chasing the almighty dollar. That’s why we’ve launched the Screen Junkies Shameless Search Engine Scam, in which we take trending topics (like Seann William Scott and Corn Beef Recipes) and recreate them using movie posters. Hang on tight, cause we’re about to hit a new low.

Corn Beef and Cabbage Recipe

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
We’re guessing that most people are searching for “Corned Beef Recipe” because tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day. But there’s always an off chance that they are actually searching for L’opération Corned-Beef, a French comedy starring Jean Reno, and Mrs Caldicot’s Cabbage War, a British film about a middle-aged woman dealing with the aftermath of her husband’s death. Don’t judge me. Don’t you dare judge me!

St. Patrick’s Day Recipes

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Since tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, it makes sense that people are searching for holiday recipes. It would also make perfect sense if people were searching for the 1997 film, St. Patrick’s Day, as well as the T.V. movie, Recipe for Disaster, starring John Larroquette and Lesley Ann Warren. After all, nothing says St. Patrick’s day like John Larroquette, AM I RIGHT?

Tibetan Mastiff

Some people are going to tell you that “Tibetan Mastiff” is trending because some super rich dude in China just paid a boat load of money for one of the dogs. Don’t believe the hype. Obviously, Brad Pitt’s Seven Years in Tibet is making a resurgence in popularity, as is the character of Professor Daniel Mastiff from the 2008 classic, Bonekickers. God I love Bonekickers.

Seann William Scott

Hooray! This actually pertains to our site, since Seann William Scott is an actor! On the same day that production of the next American Pie sequel (American Reunion) was announced, Seann William Scott went into rehab for undisclosed issues. We’re hoping he gets the help he needs. We’re also hoping he reunites with Ashton Kutcher for Dude, Where’s My Methadone…No Seriously, There Are Bugs Under My God Damn Skin.

Bracket Predictions

Last but not least, people are searching heavily for “bracket predictions,” an obvious reference to George Logan and Patrick Fyffe’s comedy routine, “Hinge and Bracket,” in which the British comedians dressed as old women and sang songs. Well here’s a prediction; the pair are never coming back because Patrick Fyffe is dead. There. Are you happy?