So let’s forget about who can afford what and get after a few of the nicest apartments in movie history. Call your real estate agent and berate him or her for a while after perusing this list.

The Penthouse from Oldboy

(From about 2:15-2:28)
The premise of this Korean revenge flick is so sinister that it’s only fitting that the villain has a penthouse to match. It’s strikingly beautiful, but also so bizarrely over-the-top that it’s hard to imagine anyone ever feeling comfortable living there. Of course, we quickly learn that the antagonist is probably incapable of feeling comfort at any stage of his life, so the fountain in the middle of the giant space probably won’t help that much. However, the opening and collapsing closet might be the coolest design feature in any of the apartments listed here, so maybe he took some solace in that. You know, just a little, maybe.

Bateman’s Bachelor Pad in American Psycho

The American Gardens building isn’t real, which is a shame, because Patrick Bateman’s white-on-white-on-white apartment has a timeless appeal that isn’t just for serial killers anymore. Rather, it transcends its painfully 80’s setting to look like a bitchin’ bachelor pad in any era. Just use a coaster when setting your sorbet on the table, otherwise you might get a nailgun to the back of the head, and that could seriously drive down property values.

Say what you will about Bateman, but the man had taste that most of us would, ironically, kill for.

The Lofted Mansion in A Perfect Murder

Michael Douglas is at his best when playing a rich asshole, and in A Perfect Murder, he’s got the apartment to match. If you can even call it an apartment. It’s more like a mansion stack on top of another building. He’s got a huge terrace overlooking Central Park, a giant closet to house his awesome clothes, and a really cool bathtub his wife can bathe in before she gets murdered.

It’s the ultimate “eff you, I’m rich” house, and while it’s not my taste, I do enjoy letting people know that I’m better than them, so that makes this apartment right up my alley, aesthetics aside.

The Ridiculously Large Loft in Big

Josh Baskin made like $350 bucks a week working for a toy company in 1988. I don’t know what the Manhattan real estate market was like in the late 80’s, but I’m assuming that it wasn’t enough for a man-child to rent a 3,000 sf loft and still have enough left over to get bunk beds, pinball machines, and his very own vending machine. Also, he was 12 years old! His credit history must have been shit! How does he get a loft like that?

Anyway, this list is about the dwellings, and not the specious logic that allows the fimlm characters to move into them. The loft is a kid’s dream house, essentially one big playroom with some bunk beds in the middle. I don’t know if I would take it over some of the other entries on this list, but it would be pretty close. If I was 12, it would be a no-brainer.

The Old-Money Palace in Cruel Intentions

Another “old money” townhouse here which ostensibly belongs to the parents of Ryan Phillipe and Sarah Michelle Gellar’s parents, though they’re nowhere to be found. Every room offers a perfect locale for brooding and staring out a window while issuing an ultimatum to your sibling, which is certainly something I look for in an apartment.

It is vast and decorated in a very impersonal Victorian fashion, which completely matches the characteristics of most every character in the film. Again, as I’m not an “old money” type of guy (as evidenced by the fact that I write about movies on the Internet), but the intimidation factor of a place like this supercedes any reservations I have about its design.

The Christmas Party House in Eyes Wide Shut

The “apartment” owned by Bill Hartford’s patient, Victor Ziegler (played by Sydney Pollack) is about as fantastic as the premise of the film itself. It offers a seemingly endless expanse, all in soft light, and a staircase not matched in many five-star hotels. We never learn what Victor Ziegler does, but we can assume he’s pretty damn good at it to own a place like that. Moreover, the details in the apartment (even though it feels weird calling it that), are quintessentially New York, right down to the checkered flooring in the bathroom.

Kubrick may be incredibly divisive as an auteur, but we can all agree the man knows tasteful interior design.

Tom Cruise

Christian Bale went on record as saying that he was channeling noted mental health expert Tom Cruise while filming American Psycho. The great big smile with the totally blank, 1,000-yard stare is common among Operating Thetans, particularly those who have gazed in the abyss of Xenu and his DC-10s in space. This might work better as a SNL skit than as a full movie, but we’d like to see Tom give it the old pre-Clear try.

Vincent Gallo

If Vinnie Gallo, Jr. signs on to play Patrick Bateman the movie will get filmed, edited and post-produced before Gallo burns every copy out of spite. We’re kind of OK with that, considering that this movie is going to totally suck balls.

So no surprise there. The other choice is baffling, until you realize that it might just be brilliant. Scott Disick, a “star” of Keeping up with the Kardashians, is Ellis’ other pick. Nobody likes this guy, but perhaps that’s what makes him so right for the part. Patrick Bateman isn’t supposed to be charming or secretly likable. He’s supposed to be completely empty inside, and no one is more empty on that show than he is.

Bret is witholding his approval unless one of these two gets cast. Considering Lionsgate is remaking the film a scant eleven or so years after the original, my hunch is they’re really not seeking anyone’s approval on this thing. But who knows. Maybe they’re insecure.

So if you’re having a bad day, the neighbor’s dog won’t stop barking, or if you just realized your childhood ended wayyyyy too soon during that 4th of July party some years back, enjoy this list of people killing animals, but not out of necessity.

Lenny and the Rabbit – Of Mice and Men

After thug inmate Maurice Miller promises to get a pet goldfish to a rich inmate whom he is protecting, Mr. Miller enjoys a change of heart (as is his right) and crushes the bagged goldfish with his bare hands, which isn’t all that much of a feat. There’s no real glory in crushing a fish. Maybe a tuna or a halibut, but a goldfish? No way. That’s cowardly.

I’m aware this is in German, but feel it works better that way. 

The Cow – Me, Myself, and Irene

Of course, the cow in this film doesn’t die, but it really should have. Jim Carrey’s Charlie comes across an ailing cow, then, to put it out of its misery, ends up shooting, bludgeoning, and attempting to suffocate the cow to end its suffering. After shooting the cow nine times, we assume that the cow has finally shuffled the mortal coil, only to learn later in the film that the damn thing’s “lucky to be alive.”