In cranking out three sequels, most recently with American Reunion, the producers have kept scrounging for reasons to check in with the Great Falls Class of 1999. The second one offered a summer together during college. The third one offered Jim’s wedding. And this installment offers perhaps the most convoluted reason yet: A 13-year reunion. Why 13 years? It’s better if you don’t ask, but a throwaway explanation is given in the film.

Years later, we see that the hopeful, fun kids we met in high school are now just really, really boring adults trying to navigate adult-y issues that aren’t that fun to watch. There’s something far less interesting and more sad about a married couple (Jim and Michelle) trying to get their sex life back on track than there is about goofy teenagers stepping into that world for the first time, or even the second and third. That might be due to the fact that personalities tend to shine a little less bright as people make their way to adulthood, but a bigger factor is probably that the actors aren’t exactly breaking new ground here.

I don’t know how long it’s been since Eddie Kaye Thomas or Thomas Ian Nicholas have had to carry a film or even a scene, but they move through this film like they are contractually obligated to perform for zero dollars. The caveat of the premise is that adults ARE more boring, so there’s a decent chance that the two aforementioned actors nailed their roles, but in doing so made their characters so real that they fail to hold our interest.

The opening of the film sets the table in efficient fashion, offering us peeks into the lives of the characters. The title scene offers us the first cringe-worthy sex gag in the same way the Scream opening scenes offer us our first vicious kill. It shows Jim and Michelle in adjacent rooms masturbating, and (MILD SPOILER ALERT!) Jim slams his dick in a laptop. The couple realizes marriage and child-rearing has caused them to lose their spark in bed.

Oz (Chris Klein) is a famous sportscaster, living the dream life with his uber-hot girlfriend played by Katrina Bowden. It becomes almost instantly clear that despite the façade of a dream life, he isn’t quite as Hollywood as his partner, and longs for a more domestic existence. Cry me a goddamn river.

Kevin is something of a stay-at-home husband, whose wife has neutered him through countless viewings of The Bachelor and Real Housewives. His plight is never really developed beyond the superficial “I miss hanging with the boys” conceit, but the whole situation seems to just exist to have him fawn all over his ex, played by Tara Reid. Tara Reid manages to look like she wandered onto the set, as she has in most every role she’s ever taken.

Finch pulls up as the world’s most interesting man, having travelled the globe in a zen-like search of enlightenment. Finch’s quest to become one with the world appears to have been successful, as Thomas plays the role as if he’s been pumped full of Xanax and could have cigarettes put out on him. The restrained character seemed to unintentionally serve as an audience surrogate, just taking it all in and not really worrying what these idiots are up to, because life has a way of working out.

And Stifler. Stifler turns out the way most guys like Stifler turn out. Beaten down by life, realizing that they mortgaged their future by behaving like caged animals in high school and college. That said, Seann William Scott’s enthusiasm for the role is one of the few compelling facets of this film. He comes across as genuinely excited for the opportunity to destroy jet skis and poop in a cooler, and as such punctuates the film with the childhood whimsy that has been lacking in the sequels. Of course, this wonder is tapered by a work obligation he must address to prove that even he is capable of growing up.

These arcs are established in the first 15 minutes or so of the film, leaving a long time for the characters to go on their predictable journeys, with breasts and painful close-up of Jason Biggs penis along the way. It would seem that, since the first film, the American Pie franchise has turned into the Police Academy of sex comedies. There’s a starting point, an ending point, and a parade of scenes that can be played in any order without much affecting where the film ends up. When the characters were 20, the journey was the point, but now it gets more difficult to figure out what the point of the film really is.

A few offhand comments:

• John Cho appears briefly in a great scene that demonstrates that enthusiasm for this film is best confined to 45-second bursts.
• We see Jason Bigg’s penis. Whether we want to or not.
• Jim’s Dad lost his wife. Although it’s glossed over, it’s probably the only genuinely stirring moment of the film.
• Chris Klein really looks the part of an over-the-top sportscaster. I would watch him on ESPN, provided he changed his catchphrase.
• It’s truly amazing that this film still holds sacred its silly generic 90’s-rock soundtracks. The music sucks, but it’s one of the more charming and nostalgic features this far into the franchise.

In honor of the release of American Reunion, which hits theaters April 6th, we’ve put together this reenactment of the original film’s most famous scene. Only instead of an awkward teenager going to town on an apple pie, there’s an old man humping away on the titular dessert. I hope you like old-man ass, cause this clip’s got it in spades. Bonus points for the extremely elderly Eugene Levy stand in.

Though chokes are most common in the sporting world, failure to meet the moment can come in all walks of life, making the choke a pretty common device in storytelling. Nothing is quite as moving as the abject heartbreak a character suffers when he snags defeat from the jaws of victory.

Mike D – Rounders

The choke here wasn’t choosing to go head-to-head with Teddy KGB, or even playing out the hand that he had. Those were both decent decisions, as Mike McDermott is/was a very solid poker player. The bad move here was not being able to see KGB’s obvious “tell,” which isn’t totally clear, but I think has to do with the fact that he would set down his Oreo without eating it if he had the cards.

It might seem hypocritical that I’m judging Mike for not picking up on a tell (the first time, anyway) that I can’t determine, but I’m not gambling $30k on a hand of poker, and he is.

Gordon Bombay – The Mighty Ducks

The wunderkind of the Hawks had the table set for his moment of glory, in a position to secure yet another championship for the perennial juggernauts. However, he let down Coach Reilly and his teammates by hitting the crossbar. Sure, he’s just a little kid, but that’s no excuse. Hawks win. If you don’t like it, go be a Duck or something.

Check out all the Sony “Action Unleashed” DVDs!

Vacation

Clark Griswold probably doesn’t get to do it with his wife that often – after all, they are married. So when the opportunity presents itself, Sparky doesn’t let the fact that they’re crammed in a tiny sleeping bag with a feral mutt at their feet stop him. The result is one of the funniest awkward sex scenes around, although they admittedly don’t get that far into the amorous process. Damn dog.

Pusher II

Tonny’s been in jail for a while, and it hasn’t exactly been good for his sex life. The possibly permanent brain damage he suffered at the hands of a friend he sent upriver isn’t helping either. That becomes painfully clear in this harrowing scene, in which Tonny struggles dutifully to get it up in front of two prostitutes. It’s a pretty tough scene to watch – in fact, “awkward” is probably an understatement.

Are you telling me this wife is so lazy that she won’t even blow her own husband on his birthday? COME ON!

Read the story, because it’s pretty funny and interesting (link above). However, if you want some fun out-of-context quotes, try these:

“Do whores prefer eyeliner or just mascara with a pinch of shadow?”

“In fact, to me, she kind of resembled one of those little island pygmies from Gulliver’s Travels.”

“…I got the impression it was in the hooker handbook not to accept drinks on the job.”

“Oh my god I am a monster!”

And my all time favorite…

“The bronzed buxom beauty climbed up on my husband, fastened a condom over his semi erect penis and went to work.”

Remember when you used to wake up in the morning, a song in your heart and twinkle in your eye because you had never thought about Jason Biggs‘ “semi erect penis?” Those days are over.

Also, a blowjob with a condom? For his birthday? COME ON!

While there are no shortage of mean parents portrayed in film, this list focuses on those that are woefully ignorant or oblivious to the point of being negligent. These well-meaning, but unfit parents are just as guilty as those who beat or scream at their children.

Yes, that means you, Rick Moranis.

7. Juno and Paulie – Juno

I understand that it’s not commonplace to remove a baby from the custody of its parents before they’ve actually done something wrong, but this baby needs to be saved as soon as possible. Could you imagine how damaged a child raised by Juno and Michael Cera would be? It would be unable to function in society. Juno would probably feed it “ironic baby formula,” while Cera mumbles under his breath, “I don’t know if that’s the right way to feed a child.”

Imagine the baby is in elementary school. An intruder breaks into the house, but the child isn’t able to call 911 because the phone is a goddamned hamburger. Phones should be phones. Hamburgers should be food. You can’t endanger your child in the name of quirk. That’s in the constitution. Look it up.

6. Jim’s Dad – American Pie

My only decent parallel here in Dexter and his dad. Dexter’s dad saw that his son was on an unmistakable path to become a serial killer, and he acted for the good of his son and society at large.

Jim’s Dad (Eugene Levy) comes home to witness his son fucking a pie, and doesn’t act. Sure he has an uncomfortable conversation about dirty magazines, but he fails to set parameters for Jim’s sickness. Today it’s pies, and tomorrow it’s German Shepherd, then next week it’s the Andrews boy down the block. It’s disgusting.

And the omission of Napoleon Dynamite from this list was not an oversight.

9. American Pie

Their “Arabian Nights”-themed dance was amazing if only because it captured how truly awful and cheesy high school dances can be. Further, the Sherminator is outed as a grapefruit banger and urinates down the leg of his pants. While it doesn’t really pertain to the dance, the afterparty at Stifler’s lakehouse looked really fun.

Bonus points for the uber-creepy MC/lead singer of the band. High school smartasses would have crucified that guy. Those virgins were way too nice.

8. Pretty in Pink

Ducky makes everything better. I want Ducky at my funeral. Ducky’s dancing, his spiffy shoes, and Molly Ringwald’s inventive-but-still-kind-of-ugly dress made this a very fun and realistic look at prom. Even if she hadn’t gotten back together with Blaine at the end (uh, retroactive really predictable spoiler alert), this still would have made the cut.

One last time: DUCKY!

7. Back to the Future

A good dance, but a little overrated. Sure, the Enchantment under the Sea dance was where Marty McFly taught the 1950’s kids about rock and roll, but I can’t blame them one bit for being nonplussed about the whole affair. I mean, they’re enjoying one of the biggest hits of the day (“Earth Angel”) performed by some band that includes Chuck Berry’s cousin Marvin, when a white guy gets onstage and plays some weird noise that they’ve never heard before. If I was in the 1970’s, and some dude hijacked my prom stage and started playing Korn’s “Freak on a Leash,” insisting that everyone in the future loves it, I’d be furious. I’m not in the future. I’m in now. And now, I want to listen to Captain and Tenille’s “Love Will Keep Us Together” and Bread’s “Make It With You.” I don’t care what dumb future people are listening to. People really enjoy Katy Perry right now and even 100 years ago, that seems like a really bad idea.

All of this is outweighed by the delight of seeing a prom-goer hounded sexually by his mom. Forty-three thumbs up.

The American Pie sequels

It may seem obvious, but the best way to get your fix of summer movies like American Pie is to go straight to the source. That is, check out the sequels. Both of the sequels in the “official series,” American Pie 2 and American Wedding, have the same sensibility as the first American Pie movie (duh), and they were released in the summer too. Why settle for an imitation when you can get authentic-Jason-Biggs-sexually-humiliating-himself action?

Clueless

Alicia Silverstone getting mugged in Clueless

While it may not have the same level of raunchiness as American Pie, Clueless qualifies due to their similarly comedic approaches to life as an American teenager. If you’re looking for scenes of apple pies getting penetrated, look elsewhere. But if you just want to laugh at teenagers in a sunny outdoor milieu—i.e. teenagers being stupid in Southern California—you’ve come to the right place!

Bring It On

Kirsten Dunst's "naked" dream in Bring It On

Hey, not all summer movies like American Pie are masterpieces. But Bring It On is high school movie that came out in the summer—what else do you want? Bring It On is a little more by-the-book than American Pie, focusing on a climactic cheer leading competition and all, but it still shares a certain sensibility with it—which is again, laughing at teenagers as they struggle with their “problems”. It also follows in the grand American Pie tradition of having a ton of direct-to-video sequels that have almost nothing to do with the original. Not to mention, it features Hottie McHotkins (AKA Eliza Dusku) and Kirsten Dunst back when she was still cute.

Superbad

McLovin' dancing in Superbad

Finally, a summer movie like American Pie that actually comes close to matching its raunchiness factor. In the language-and-crudely-drawn-penises department, anyway. Its plot, involving two teenagers on a mad quest to get laid makes it similar to American Pie, and as an added bonus, most would agree that Superbad is a funnier, better, and more authentic depiction of teenage life than American Pie. So what we’re really trying to say is that what you should be looking for is “summer movies like Superbad.”

The House Bunny

Girls post makeover in House Bunny

If this list is any indication, a good chunk of summer movies like American Pie are targeted at the fairer sex. The House Bunny is no different, featuring Anna Farris as a former Playboy bunny who becomes a sorority house mother. And unlike a lot of teen  comedies, it actually got a fair amount of critical praise, albeit praise that singled out Anna Farris’ performance as being somewhat too good for the material. Still, it counts.

Your search for summer movies like American Pie might last until your dying breath, but this list should make your quest a little easier. If nothing else, the movies on this list will make remembering YOUR awkward teenage years that much easier/funnier. And if you’re still in your teenage years now, uh, sorry?

What do Seann William Scott, Corned Beef Recipes, and Tibetan Mastiffs all have in common? Nothing, except at the moment they’re all trending topics on Google. And while we here at Screen Junkies strive to bring you quality original content day in and day out, we’re still chasing the almighty dollar. That’s why we’ve launched the Screen Junkies Shameless Search Engine Scam, in which we take trending topics (like Seann William Scott and Corn Beef Recipes) and recreate them using movie posters. Hang on tight, cause we’re about to hit a new low.

Corn Beef and Cabbage Recipe

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
We’re guessing that most people are searching for “Corned Beef Recipe” because tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day. But there’s always an off chance that they are actually searching for L’opération Corned-Beef, a French comedy starring Jean Reno, and Mrs Caldicot’s Cabbage War, a British film about a middle-aged woman dealing with the aftermath of her husband’s death. Don’t judge me. Don’t you dare judge me!

St. Patrick’s Day Recipes

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Since tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, it makes sense that people are searching for holiday recipes. It would also make perfect sense if people were searching for the 1997 film, St. Patrick’s Day, as well as the T.V. movie, Recipe for Disaster, starring John Larroquette and Lesley Ann Warren. After all, nothing says St. Patrick’s day like John Larroquette, AM I RIGHT?

Tibetan Mastiff

Some people are going to tell you that “Tibetan Mastiff” is trending because some super rich dude in China just paid a boat load of money for one of the dogs. Don’t believe the hype. Obviously, Brad Pitt’s Seven Years in Tibet is making a resurgence in popularity, as is the character of Professor Daniel Mastiff from the 2008 classic, Bonekickers. God I love Bonekickers.

Seann William Scott

Hooray! This actually pertains to our site, since Seann William Scott is an actor! On the same day that production of the next American Pie sequel (American Reunion) was announced, Seann William Scott went into rehab for undisclosed issues. We’re hoping he gets the help he needs. We’re also hoping he reunites with Ashton Kutcher for Dude, Where’s My Methadone…No Seriously, There Are Bugs Under My God Damn Skin.

Bracket Predictions

Last but not least, people are searching heavily for “bracket predictions,” an obvious reference to George Logan and Patrick Fyffe’s comedy routine, “Hinge and Bracket,” in which the British comedians dressed as old women and sang songs. Well here’s a prediction; the pair are never coming back because Patrick Fyffe is dead. There. Are you happy?

In her upcoming movie Easy A, Stone plays a girl who accidentally gets a reputation for being a slut. Rather than try to repair the damage, Stone’s character embraces the new image, turning it in to a profitable business by pretending to take the virginity of boys who can’t get laid on their own, thereby making them look less pathetic.

While Stone’s character is only pretending to be a slut, over the years, Hollywood has churned out numerous characters who were the real deal. In honor of bad girls everywhere, here are nine of our favorite cinematic high school sluts. God bless you girls. Keep doing what you’re doing.

Grease (1978) – Betty Rizzo

Betty Rizzo (Stockard Channing) is the quintessential school-girl slut. She gets around, and doesn’t give a damn what anyone thinks. When she misses her period and thinks she’s pregnant after having sex with Kenickie, she tells him he’s not the father. The fact that he buys it speaks volumes about her reputation. But as Rizzo’s song clearly states, "There Are Worse Things (She) Could Do" than slut around.

The Sandlot (1993) – Wendy Peffercorn

Wendy Peffercorn (Marley Shelton) is probably the least obvious slut on this list. After all, the only time we see her is at the lifeguard stand. But you can tell by the way she spends her days rubbing oil all over her skin that she is more than familiar with the slutty arts. And the fact that she ends up marrying Squints, a kid who is like eight years younger than her, means she obviously got around.

Watch the following clip of Wendy pretending she’s not a slut.

Adventureland (2009) – Lisa P.

What would a comedy about an awful job be without the workplace slut? In Adventureland, Lisa P. (Margarita Levieva) fills the role nicely. In all fairness, when every co-worker you have wants to bang you, it’d be hard not to turn into a slut. Lisa P. holds herself together better than most. Still, you can’t walk around in slow motion wearing a shirt that says “Rides, Rides, Rides” and not expect to make this list.

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