To be clear, that was just a colorful introduction to this article. Your cats are fine, and if you try to lock them up in a cage or travel bag, they will scratch the shit out of you.

For the 98% of you either too young or too old to get the joke, this adaptation is for you. You see, ALF wants to eat cats. Had you not gleaned that from the short-lived late-80′s NBC sitcom, you’ll be able to enjoy the entire mythology and ALF origin story with a CGI film that explains how ALF came to Earth from Melmac and how he ended up with a terribly boring family in suburban Nowheresville, USA. It’s gonna be directed by the guy who did the recent Smurfs film, so that’s a big plus for cinemaphiles everywhere.

ALF voice actor Paul Fusco HAS signed on as the voice of the alien, so all you ALF traditionalists can rest easy.

You weirdos.

I don’t believe the timing is or ever will be right for an ALF film adaptation, but if someone pulled a Morpheus and allowed me to choose the path of my existence, one in a world without an ALF movie and one with an ALF movie, I would pick the ALF movie, mostly because I’m not fond of cats.

(Note for our younger readers: A running gag in the sitcom ALF was that he kept trying to eat the family cat, which is why that joke I made is so upriotous.)

This is all coming for the creator, who hasn’t actually pitched anything to anyone yet, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves, but I really think that this could be the tipping point my life needs.

HEY PAUL FUSCO! TALK SOME MORE ABOUT ALF!:

“ALF could be more outspoken now than ever, because the world is a whole different place than the ’80s. And I think the character still stands up and certainly has more to say now than ever. I think we would approach it in a fresh way. I don’t think we would duplicate the TV show, but I think we would maybe put it in a storyline where we would explain how ALF got here and put him with a new family and let the character speak for himself.”

THANKS, PAUL FUSCO!

It’s going to be called “Alien Cathouse,” which sounds like something out of ALF‘s wet dreams. (ALF was an alien and loved to eat cats, you see.) The girls will be decked out in various costumes, presumably ranging from alien to…human in space.

While the concept itself doesn’t do much to move my meter, I thoroughly enjoy the fact that someday soon, a bunch of guys in a bachelor party from Tampa Bay (or wherever) will be making plans to go to Vegas, get loaded, and bang out some fake alien hookers.

This is the most American story I’ve heard all week.

(io9 via Gamma Squad)

In this insane outtake from the popular 80′s TV show, the puppet can be seen cursing, simulating coke use, and dropping racial slurs. Will this have the same affect on ALF’s career that it did for Mel Gibson and Michael Richards? Only time will tell.

In all fairness, ALF is actually mimicking a character with Tourettes Syndrome on another 80′s show, “L.A. Law.” He’s not just randomly dropping the “N-Bomb” (Click here to see the character in question). Someone tell Al Sharpton before he goes and takes a dump on ALF’s lawn. (Collider)