Nope. Instead, let’s look at the synopsis for Double Cross and make fun of it:

Just when Alex thought his life was calming down into a routine of patients and therapy sessions, he finds himself back in the game–this time to catch a criminal mastermind like no other.

A spate of elaborate murders in Washington D.C. have the whole East Coast on edge. They are like nothing Alex Cross and his new girlfriend, Detective Brianna Stone, have ever seen. With each murder, the case becomes increasingly complex. There’s only one thing Alex knows: the killer adores an audience.

As victims are made into gruesome spectacles citywide, inducing a media hysteria, it becomes clear to Alex that the man he’s after is a genius of terror–and he’s after fame. The killer has the whole city by its strings–and he’ll stop at nothing to become the most terrifying star that Washington D.C. has ever seen.

Brianna Stone? Really? REALLY? That’s the name of your sexy female detective? I guess there’s no room for subtlety in Tyler Perry films, but whatevskis. Fine.

Oh. There’s going to be media circus. So I guess these are high-profile crimes. Interesting. That really could have gone either way.

The murders are elaborate. That’s good. It would be funnier though if Cross had to track down some fat guy who was just clubbing pedestrians in the head with a softball bat.

“The killer has the whole city by its strings…” What strings? That’s not a common idiom at all! And this is for a book! “Money, fame, looks…I’ve really got this city by the strings. ALL the strings, gorgeous.”

They probably announced their intentions for a sequel so early because they need to get a lead time on Tyler Perry’s giant sweaters for the role. They have to ramp up the breeding of sheep to produce the 47,000 acres of wool needed to cover TP’s enormous torso.

Here is a list of his projects in the upcoming year and the reasons that we won’t be watching them.

Good Deeds

If you think that the title Good Deeds isn’t a delicious pun on the lead character’s name, Wesley Deeds, then you just don’t know how TP works. The film follows a successful businessman (Deeds, played by Tyler Perry) as he helps a down on her luck woman, hoping that good deed will spark a change in his life that will allow him become the man he’s always wanted to be.

It also stars, in decreasing order of talent: Thandie Newton, Gabrielle Union, Phylicia Rashad, Rebecca Romijn, and Jamie Kennedy. The film comes out on February 24th, which gives you just enough time to shop for and install a survival shelter.

House of Payne

Make way! Curtis Payne and company are coming back to make us laugh. And if we’re not careful, we just might learn something. The TBS sitcom has actually tackled a number of heavy issues such as religion and drug abuse. Granted it tackles those issues with a heavy hand in a fashion similar to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, but it still tackles them.

The most recent season, season 7, contained a whopping 50 episodes. You might be asking yourself, “How does Tyler Perry produce one season of television packed with 50 high-quality episodes?”

The answer is, “He doesn’t.”

First we saw a Madea / Black Swan parody poster that’s one ugly-ass duckling, and now we find out that Tyler Perry is being packaged with director Rob Cohen (The Fast and the Furious) to adapt James Patterson’s detective thriller novel I, Alex Cross, part of a series of Alex Cross novels. If you saw Along Came A Spider and/or Kiss the Girls, you probably remember Morgan Freeman as detective Alex Cross, who brought a considerable weight to the dramatic role. I’m sure Perry also plans to bring weight to the role, in the form of a fat suit, and any additional pounds that may come from a wig, comically big glasses and a plate of hot grits to scold a dude with.

Several distributors are considering the package and wondering, “I’d like a piece of that sweet, sweet Tyler Perry box office money, but is this really gonna work? Like, at all?” One big problem is that Perry’s biggest hits are still the movies where he expresses his inner fat drag queen grandma, unless you count Star Trek, where I blinked and literally missed his performance. Still… money… (Deadline)

Stringer Bell from "The Wire," actor Idris Elba, is taking over for Morgan Freeman as Dr. Alex Cross in Cross. The new installment of the James Patterson best selling novels will be directed by David Twohy, who will also rewrite the Kerry Williamson penned script.

Morgan Freeman chased after psychopaths as Cross in Kiss the Girls and Along Came a Spider, and he did it with class and a soothing tenor. Idris should carry the torch nicely, as he is a great talent who demonstrated on "The Wire" he can pop a cap in an ass, while on "The Office" he showed off his comedic chops. As a side note: doesn’t it wrinkle your brain when British actors who you didn’t know were British speak with a British accent? Quit fooling us, Red Coats! (Deadline)