Although it’s just in the pilot stage right now, I urge A&E to move forward with the untitled Mark Wahlberg Boston Women Project. Why? Because it will be exactly like this:

Television needs more stuff like that. (Deadline)

Given the success of these shows, we’re sadly past the point where we can make fun of the subject matter (though shows about cake are still fair game), so let’s begin a discussion in earnest of where middle-American reality television goes from here.

Day Care Wars

Know your market. Joe Sixpack and Jane Sixpack-Of-Wine-Coolers burn the candle at both ends to put food on the table, but there isn’t always enough left over to enroll the young ones in a “good” day care center. So, rather than leaving children with a meth-head or some doctor that performs abortions with his bare hand, why don’t they leave their children, free of charge, at a state-of-the-art day care facility owned by A&E’s parent company.

Of course, there’s a catch. Catches, actually. The children’s formative years will be captured on camera by an extremely intrusive production crew. The footage will be edited so that the toddlers are given a distinct “personality” for America to love or hate. These “personalities” could be: the bitch, the closeted toddler, the anorexic pill-popper, the hippie, and the slut.

Once the show has been cast, the day care center will be divided up into two camps, and the camps will compete in a bevy of different events to determine who the better toddlers are. Events will range from Red Rover to freeze tag to TV tag to TV freeze tag. There will be also more direct physical match-ups, which means that the toddlers will team up with strength and conditioning coaches, as well as hand-to-hand combat instructors that will teach krav maga, submission wrestling, drunken boxing, and ji kun do (the way of the fists).

Most of the participants of Day Care Wars will not survive.

Hillbilly Hand Abortions

Sure, it will be controversial, as many believe that abortions stop a beating heart, and most every decent person will be completely repulsed by the idea of pregnancy being terminated with some backcountry hick’s bare hand. However, Game of Thrones shows gross stuff like this all the time, and it’s a crossover hit, so don’t just offer up a knee-jerk reaction. Really think about it.

And think about the cast of characters! Sure, there will be some eccentric rural folk both giving and receiving the abortions, but I guarantee that the people performing the procedures will be doctors (how irresponsible would we be if that wasn’t the case?), so maybe this show could go a long way towards changing some perceptions about rural Americans.

Also, you’d want to put the production company on a VERY secure lot, because it would get firebombed about once every four hours.

Kansas City Wax

We’ve got LA Ink, Sunset Tan, and myriad shows about hairstyling, so let’s push the envelope a little further by not only going with a less-celebrated-but-equally-glamorous trade (waxing), but also spotlighting one of the “flyover” cities that the mainstream media seems so quick to ignore.

Fortunately, Kansas City has the hairiest residents in all of America*, so there’s little doubt that the folks at Kansas City Wax will have their work cut out for them. Further, audiences will get to go on BEHIND THE SCENES at waxing salons. The talcum powder, the ingrown hairs, it’s ALL GOOD!

Also, dog waxing. You’ll have to see it to believe it!

*I made this up. It’s probably not true. 

Tractor Wars

A chain is tied to two tractors. The tractor that is able to pull the other one over a line between them wins the tractor war.

Gimme Back My Dog!

A team of collection agents-for-hire is assembled and billed as a “Canine Recovery Unit.” The program will offer a Law & Order-type introduction:

In the deep south, dog disputes are an unpleasant way of life. Too hostile and trivial for conventional law enforcement, the location and recovery of these animals is tasked to:

The Canine Recovery Unit

Made up of various dog catchers, washed-up bounty hunters, and sexy blondes, this motley crew will often provide “ridealongs” for celebrity guests such as Selena Gomez, Rick Santorum, and Motley Crüe.

The Baha Men have expressed an interest in performing the theme song for the pilot episode.

“‘Bag of Bones‘ centers on bestselling novelist Mike Noonan (Brosnan), who is unable to stop grieving after the sudden death of his wife Jo (Gish). A dream inspires him to return to the couple’s lakeside retreat in western Maine where he becomes involved in a custody battle between the daughter of an attractive young widow and the child’s enormously wealthy grandfather, the mysterious ghostly visitations, the ever-escalating nightmares and the realization that his late wife still has something to tell him.”

Oooooh, scary. The miniseries will be shown on A&E, which is continuing its quest to be the AMC-lite of quality television. Filming is set to begin next month. (Deadline)

It really bothers me that escaping from prison is so common that they can do a weekly TV series about it. I thought it was really rare when somebody broke out of jail. Well, if there’s going to be a priso break every week, at least they know how to find the escaped convicts.

Deputy Charlie Duchamp (Laz Alonso) assembles a dirty half dozen of convicts to use their powers for good and not evil. Since they know how escaped convicts think, for every convict they catch they each get a month off their sentence. If they try to run, they get a stiffer sentence.

Ray Zancanelli (Domenick Lombardozzi) was a dirty cop. Gunderson is an underground fighter. Philly (Nicole Steinwedell) is a former Miss Idaho and con artist with her feminine wiles. Lloyd Lowery (Jimmi Simpson) is a gambler, socially awkward but an expert in psychology. Shea (Malcolm Goodwin) was a gang banger, but his skill is really the fast talking black guy.

The first criminal is pretty vicious. Tillman (Jason Cerbone) hides under a truck Cape Fear style and beats the driver as soon as they’re clear of the gate. There’s pretty big action in the pilot. Three dudes go through a window. There’s a car chase and som fighting, and since it’s the producers (and director Brett Ratner) of “Prison Break” we can probably count on them to keep the pace every week.

The gang has chemistry right from the pilot. Lowery blackmails Philly to keep her secret when he finds out her real name. Philly sexes up to attract Tillman’s contact for info. Shea names the crew Breakout Kings. Gunderson tries to pull one over on Charlie and that’s when Charlie shows he’s in control of this group. Lowery is actually the major player on the team. His psychological skills turn a fart joke into a lead. He actually gives office assistant Julianne (Brooke Nevin) good therapeutic advice.

I don’t like Ray. He’s supposed to be the counterpoint to Charlie, but Ray is just a gruff curmudgeon. He tough talks Tillman when Tillman has the upper hand, which seems like poor judgment. Charlie even points out he blew a chance to feed Tillman false intel. Now that’s a plan I could get behind. Hothead Ray shoots first and the testosterone cliché is weak. Perhaps the counterpoint illustrates just how smart Charlie is, but I don’t think Charlie needed any help.

Except for Ray, it’s a likeable crew and their caper dialogue is very “Leverage”-esque. It probably won’t require watching every single week if they keep doing a standalone convict each week, but if the plots remain snappy there’d be no reason to miss “Breakout Kings.”

This sells cola somehow?

Judging from the picture above, David Hasselhoff will do anything. ANYTHING. So it came as no surprise when he scored a reality show on A&E about his attempts to get his daughters easy gigs in show business. Now the network has pulled the show after only two episodes. Keep in mind that this is the channel that has found success with a show about raiding storage units. “The Hasselhoffs” pulled in such bad ratings that the network was forced to yank the remainder of the series. 718,000 viewers tuned in for the first episode, and 505,000 for the second. We don’t know what percentage of those viewers are German.

Still, two episodes seems harsh. At least promote the show enough so that it can find its audience. Perhaps ratings could have been driven up with a crossover episode with Intervention.” Missed opportunity right there. (Deadline)

A&E launches the single greatest reality series about an aikido champion/actor turned cop this Wednesday with Steven Seagal: Lawman (aka Fat Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans). For those not in the know, Steven Seagal has volunteered with the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Department for the past 20 years. This show chronicles his main duties giving martial arts training to the officers as well as assisting with arrests. It’s almost just like COPS, the only difference being the perps are arrested by the man on the poster they have framed in their living rooms.

Have a look at an earlier preview or check out the brand new, extended preview below. I’m looking forward to the cliffhanger season finale when Seagal’s rogue tactics require that he hand over his badge, never ending donut bowl, and gun. 

Today’s Marquee Links

Big Lebowski Keychain

Extraordinary Sleeping Bags

Goalie Breaks Leg

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

A&E has just shook hands with the Devil and hired Bob Saget to host the show Bob Saget’s Strange Days (working title). In the reality series, Saget will travel the country exploring strange American subcultures. Detroit isn’t yet on the docket…

But everything from mail order brides to a survivalist cult prepping for the end of the world is fair game. There’s also mention of visiting a fraternity, which in the scheme of things doesn’t seem all that interesting, but you know how Bob likes himself some young ladies. I bet he’ll drink those frat boys under the table and then stick it to all their sorority girlfriends. You go, Danny Tanner. You go. (THR)