A scheduling conflict has caused Wahlberg to drop out so that he can shoot Peter “Battleship” Berg’s Lone Survivor, allowing Sandler to duck walk into his place, all the while speaking in funny voices.

This switcheroo isn’t the first disappointing swap the film has seen. Adam McKay (The Other Guys, Step Brothers, Anchorman) left the project, only to be replaced by Sean Anders (Sex Drive, That’s My Boy).

We should be recieving word any day now that Will Ferrell will be replaced by some Carrot Top/Dane Cook hybrid. Stay tuned to Screen Junkies for further updates.

Here’s the list, friend-o’s.

Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller

These guys have starred in a few movies together, (Zoolander, Starsky and Hutch), but you would be amazed how many other films they’ve just appeared in together, leading me to believe that they both suffer from a cripplingly co-dependent relationship in which they break down in tears if they’re not acting with each other. Just a theory.

Beyond the aforementioned pair of movies, Stiller and Wilson have appeared in the three Meet the Parents films (God willing, there will be no fourth), The Royal Tenenbaums, two Night at the Museums, The Cable Guy, and Permanent Midnight. These guys must really like each other. Either that or they share a really, really, really lazy agent.

Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci

Yup. Goodfellas, Raging Bull, and Casino. Those were the most high-profile films for the duo, but they could almost be attributed more to Martin Scorsese than the actors. However, they’ve also teamed up in A Bronx Tale, Once Upon A Time In America, and The Good Shepherd. So while they may not have the numbers that the Stiller/Wilson tag team has, they do have a lot more credibility behind their films, even if all but The Good Shepherd are some spin on the mob genre.

Does anyone have a problem with Pesci and De Niro doing a bunch more mob movies? Anyone at all? Didn’t think so.

Naturally, Adam Sandler’s production company, Happy Madison, is going to remake the film, presumably with the quiet dignity for which they’ve been known. Over the years, Happy Madison has gone from a vanity production house which serves to greenlight the terrible movies of Adam Sandler and his friends to… well, it’s still pretty much just that. The full roster of Happy Madison films almost looks like the Razzies year-over-year nominations list, but with a lack of Paris Hilton. Take a look at what they’ve done, courtesy of the infallible Wikipedia.

Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo
Little Nicky
The Animal
Joe Dirt
Mr. Deeds
The Master of Disguise
Eight Crazy Nights
The Hot Chick
Anger Mangement
Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star
50 First Dates
The Longest Yard
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Grandma’s Boy
The Benchwarmers
Click
I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry
Reign Over Me
Strange Wilderness
The House Bunny
You Don’t Mess With The Zohan
Bedtime Stories
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
The Shortcut
Funny People
Grown Ups
Just Go With It
The Zookeeper
Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star
Jack And Jill
That’s My Boy
Here Comes The Boom

Wow. That’s a murderer’s row of shit.

The only other thematically consistent films less respected than that roster would be the ________ Movie parody series from Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg. On that list, there are two movies I didn’t outright hate, Funny People and Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo. I didn’t particularly like these films either, but that’s the highest praise I can dole out to the material in question.

Of course, the Happy Madison banner clearly isn’t going for esteem, as only two of the films listed, Funny People and Reign Over Me, could be construed as anything other than slapstick comedy. But even in that particular genre, it seems as though Sandler and Co. keep cranking them out, as if they were frat boys that want to see exactly what kind of film they can’t get made.

Speaking of which, there should be a feature short or at least a magazine piece in Vanity Fair about the scripts that Happy Madison rejects. How bad do those have to be? I would think that Happy Madison would greenlight a treatment of a cartoon from Highlights for Children if Rob Schneider or Kevin James expressed a passing interest in it.

Of course, no one went broke underestimating the American public, so it’s no wonder that Happy Madison is not only still in business, but probably thriving with fare that only recently have all but the basest moviegoers have written off. Namely, Jack and Jill. So it’s no wonder they keep doing what they’re doing. And it’s not like we’re forced to watch the movies, so my biggest peeve has been that Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider, both of whom I think are very, very funny, have relegated themselves to this National Lampoon-direct-to-video level of filmmaking, rather than making more thoughtful, or just plain funnier fare.

News last month came that they were getting their paws on the feature adaptation of Candyland. Now, I’m no Candyland obsessive. I hope no one is a Candyland obsessive, actually, but I was somewhat eager to see what could be done with such rich material from a production design standpoint. I am no longer eager to see that now that Happy Madison is involved. The worlds that HM has managed to demonstrate so far are about as rich and lush as a backcopy of USWeekly. It’s not unreasonable to think, given HM’s painfully long track record, that Candyland will be a cheap, CGI-heavy parade of Sandler and his buddies doing funny voices with no real thoughts paid to plot or anything else for that matter.

The Candyland affair is as good a segue as any to takes us to the news which has Happy Madison getting its paws all over a Summer School remake. Most of Summer School’s charm comes from the fact that it’s a very humane movie that makes you love all the screwed-up characters. I can say with certainty that I’ve never loved a Happy Madison character. Especially not Grandma’s Boy. That guy was a piece of crap. Maybe this remake could force the producers to inject a little more humanity into their normally base films, but if I had to bet on it, I would bet on Happy Madison changing the film rather than the film changing Happy Madison.

I don’t know what the big takeaway is here. If you’re reading this site, there’s a decent chance you’ve already written off these types of films, probably because you’re not 14. I guess we could start a letter-writing campaign to Sandler stating that it’s one thing for him to make his own original terrible movies, but if he starts messing with beloved films from an earlier generation, we’re going to start stealing his cargo shorts and t-shirts. And then he’ll have nothing to wear.

The film seems to be a conscious effort by Sandler to get away from the miserable family fare he’s been putting out recently, but doesn’t seem to be any more likable or entertaining. Ok. Maybe slightly more entertaining, but still pretty damn dumb. The film recalls some of Sandler’s comedy albums, even dolling up the actor in “Steve Polychronopolous”-type garb. Bonus points if anyone gets that reference.

Needless to say, no new ground is being broken here, but it’s slightly different than the crap he had been putting out.

To a new type of crap made by Adam Sandler!

Other notable nominees sensibly include Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part One, New Year’s Eve, The Hangover Part II (Worst Sequel AND Remake), and Russell Brand for his work in Arthur. Nicolas Cage is also nominated for Worst Actor for showing up and getting a paycheck from Drive Angry 3D, Season of the Witch, and Trespass. However, odds are he’ll go home empty-handed once again this year. He’s just facing too much stiff competition when it comes to sucking hard.

Here is your full list of dishonorable nominees which somehow don’t include January Jones for X-Men: First Class.

WORST PICTURE
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (Columbia Pictures / Happy Madison Productions)
Jack & Jill (Columbia Pictures / Happy Madison Productions)
New Year’s Eve (Warner Bros. / New Line Cinema)
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (Paramount Pictures / Hasbro)
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (Summit Entertainment)

WORST ACTOR
Russell Brand, Arthur
Nicolas Cage, Drive Angry 3-D, Season of the Witch and Trespass
Taylor Lautner, Abduction and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1
Adam Sandler, Jack & Jill and Just Go With It
Nick Swardson, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star

WORST ACTRESS
Martin Lawrence, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin: The Undefeated
Sarah Jessica Parker, I Don’t Know How She Does It and New Year’s Eve
Adam Sandler, Jack & Jill
Kristen Stewart, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Patrick Dempsey, Transformers: Dark of the Moon
James Franco, Your Highness
Ken Jeong, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, The Hangover Part 2, Transformers: Dark of the Moon and Zookeeper
Al Pacino, Jack & Jill
Nick Swardson, Jack & Jill and Just Go With It

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Katie Holmes, Jack & Jill
Brandon T. Jackson, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
Nicole Kidman, Just Go With It
David Spade, Jack & Jill
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Transformers: Dark of the Moon

WORST SCREEN ENSEMBLE
Cast of Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star
Cast of Jack & Jill
Cast of New Year’s Eve
Cast of Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Cast of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

WORST DIRECTOR
Michael Bay, Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Tom Brady, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star
Bill Condon, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1
Dennis Dugan, Jack & Jill and Just Go With It
Garry Marshall, New Year’s Eve

WORST PREQUEL, REMAKE, RIP-OFF OR SEQUEL
Arthur
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star 
(ripoff of Boogie Nights and A Star Is Born)
The Hangover Part 2 
(both a sequel and a remake)
Jack & Jill (remake/ripoff of Ed Woods’ Glen or Glenda)
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

WORST SCREEN COUPLE
Nicolas Cage and Anyone Sharing the Screen With Him in any of his three 2011 movies
Shia LeBeouf and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Adam Sandler and either Jennifer Aniston or Brooklyn Decker, Just Go With It
Adam Sandler and either Katie Holmes, Al Pacino or Adam Sandler, Jack & Jill
Kristen Stewart and either Taylor Lautner or Robert Pattinson, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

WORST SCREENPLAY
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (written by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert and Nick Swardson)
Jack & Jill (screenplay by Steve Koren & Adam Sandler, story by Ben Zook)
New Year’s Eve (written by Katherine Fugate)
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (written by Ehren Kruger)
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg)

That said, I don’t envy the Razzie committee. There was just so much sh*t in theaters in 2011. And though I hate Hanna with a fiery passion, I just couldn’t fit it into the categories where it really deserved to be publicly gutted. Here’s my stab at who I think will be in contention for the Razzies’ gold when the winners are announced on April Fools Day. We’ll see how close I was come February 25th.

Worst Picture

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part One
The Green Lantern
Jack & Jill
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star
Just Go With It

Should the above films be nominated for Worst Picture, it’s going to be a tough race. Though I’d say the frontrunners are all in the Happy Madison camp. I could see Jack & Jill sweeping the entire ceremony, but Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star isn’t to be discounted either. The porn parody received a 0% freshness rating on Rotten Tomatoes as well as 0% laughter from audiences.

Worst Actress

Paula Patton – Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol
Natalie Portman – Thor
Adam Sandler – Jack & Jill
Julia Roberts – Larry Crowne
Sarah Jessica Parker – I Don’t Know How She Does It

Though all of the ladies above were exceptionally terrible in these roles, Jack & Jill needs to be made an example of. We can’t just allow movies this bad to keep happening. We need to send a message to all of the Tyler Perrys and Big Mommas and whatever Rob Schneider is cooking up next.

Columbia Pictures has announced that they are taking a stab at a film adaptation of the beloved (does that word mean anything anymore?) board game, with Sandler attached to star, and the wretched Happy Madison banner producing.

I was holding out hope that Candyland would serve as a canvas for baroque production design and artful direction. The director selection (the dude who did Enchanted) elicits a profound “gunh!” from me, and the Sandler news brought nothing but a single solitary tear. Rather than getting those things I was hoping for, I will get Princess Lolly sounding like Sandler’s Jewish Grandmother character, and the Gingerbread People will be Sandler’s buddies that he keeps working with no matter how much they detract from a film.

I’m looking for a silver lining here, and I guess that it’s this: I don’t have to see this film and neither do you.

So, before you and the family plan your next vacation, why not give New Hampshire a shot. It is tax free after all.

On Golden Pond

New Hampshire plays just as an important role in On Golden Pond as its leads do. Henry Fonda and Katherine Hepburn star as a couple of old fogies who spend their summers at their lake house. Or pond house. Or whatever. Their traditional routine is shaken up when their estranged daughter arrives and asks them to watch her boyfriend’s kid while they go somewhere and get freaky. They seem like pretty cool parents to me.

Upon return, the daughter is upset to find that the boy and her grumpy dad have bounded over fishing trips and grown closer than she was ever able to. Question, if she knew her dad was bad with kids, why would she leave one with him while she goes off to get her tires kicked? Not cool, lady. She has no room to complain.

Jumanji

New Hampshire is overrun with jungle animals, poisonous plant life, and scariest of all, an epic-bearded Robin Williams. Williams returns from being trapped in a twenty-six year bender in the Jumanji game to find that his hometown is in a pretty bad stae since he first left it. His disappearance has caused the local economy to crash and family and friends are either dead or depressed.

I don’t really understand why. Yes, it’s sad when an 11-year old is sucked into a magical board game, but not so sad that it should ruin a community. Just have a candlelight vigil and an occasional article in the newspaper. Gotta move on, wimps.

In the Mouth of Madness

Stephen King has done his damndest to try to solidify Maine as the creepiest state in New England. However, John Carpenter wanted to point out that New Hampshire can also be scary as sh*t. In the Mouth of Madness sends Sam Neill‘s investigator to Hobb’s End, New Hampshire, to search for a missing author.

Instead, he finds himself in the middle of one of the author’s stories, surrounded by his fictional characters. He’s slowly driven insane as the townspeople mutate into grotesque monsters that torment him. I’m sure this movie is not a favorite with the new Hampshire Board of Tourism.

I’m still a huge fan of Adam Sandler‘s good movies, but this is… this is just… he’s just doing this to f**k with us now. No word yet on plot or returning cast, but let’s face it. The entire cast will return. This is only good news for David Spade. (Variety)

Among the things Armond White think Jack and Jill addresses in his review:

• Sibling Rivalry (eh, maybe)
• A Style of Comedy (Through Embarrassment) That “Goes Back To The Greeks” (Ugh. Fine. Technically. I guess.)
• Jack and Jill’s Strength Lying in the Fact That Sandler May Be The “Least Ethnically Abashed Jewish Film Comic outside the Borscht Belt.” (I don’t know where the Borscht Belt is, so I can’t weigh in here. I’m sorry.)

Unfortunately, I could easily have made this list the “90 Worst Movies to Gross Over $100 Million” and the message wouldn’t have been diluted at all. There are some truly awful films out there that have made a lot of money. And we have no one to blame but ourselves. Studios aren’t really in the business of making good films, they’re in the business of making money. So until we hold off on paying for films unless they’re good (which will never, ever, ever happen), we are subsidizing more Pirates sequels and Fockers movies.

Shame on us. Shame on our eyes.

Here are some of the most egregious films to cross the $100 million mark. Feel free to put your two cents in the comments, as there are hundreds of horrible films that deserve to be here.

Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps -$123 million

When your film is the impetus for an ongoing gag on 30 Rock about how Tracy Jordan makes mindless films that gross a lot of money, you’ve earned the lead spot on this list. The Klumps was later crucified as the moment Hollywood turned a corner into lazy, broad characters all played by one actor. It also had pervasive fart humor, and marked the general decline of Eddie Murphy from smart comic actor to industry caricature.

Rush Hour 3 – $140 million

It’s remarkable that audiences hadn’t gotten sick of the franchise by this point. Although the third installment made less than the first and second, it was still an unqualified success, which leads me to believe that either a) audiences really like Jackie Chan (not surprising), or b) audiences not only tolerate, but actually enjoy Chris Tucker (mind-blowing). I know the value of a brand is important in Hollywood, but I wouldn’t have thought it outweighed what was clearly a thin presence to begin with.

Wild Hogs – $168 million

They’re old familiar guys! Riding motorcycles! At least Space Cowboys had them go to space. This film is essentially just lame dads riding around on motorcycles, Starring Tim Allen, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, and William H. Macy (!), I’m not sure why audiences wanted to watch these guys posture as tough bikers, nor do I know why Martin Lawrence said, “Hey! I want to be a part of this project!” Maybe he was drunk?

Right about now, numerous online hacks like myself are working on editorials decrying Sandler for his lazy, brainless films (this coming from people who write “lists” all day). Many of these editorials will try to figure out why Sandler continues to churn out such shitty films. The real question is why in the world should he bust his ass and put out a quality product when it’s sure to be met with lukewarm box-office numbers. On the other hand, he can cram Kevin James and a bunch of poop jokes down our throats, and we’ll throw money at him like there’s no tomorrow. Sandler’s critical successes (all four of them) have brought in less than $200 million. On the other hand, his critical failures have brought in close to $2 billion. Yes, billion with a ‘b’. And of his 12 films that have grossed over $100 million, not one has been above 50% on RottenTomatoes.com. Clearly, he’s just giving the people what they want, and apparently, they want shitty, shitty movies. Take a look at the infographic below and see for yourself.

(Click the image to enlarge…)

Graphic by Jame Gumb and Noah Griffith

Ed Wood

Tim Burton‘s homage to the classically shitty director stars Johnny Depp in the title role. The film centers on Wood as he struggles to get his work made, be true to himself and his cross dressing, and his friendship with Bela Lugosi. I can only hope that twenty years from now, Tommy Wiseau‘s biopic is handled with the same class, wit, and decorum.

Just One of the Guys

What do you do when you lose the chance at a highly-coveted internship? Well, you automatically assume the world has it out for you because you’re so pretty and therefore disguise yourself as a member of the opposite sex and resubmit. What do you do when that doesn’t work? Assume the world has it out for you because your new Jo Calderone persona is so beloved, and disguise yourself in a gorilla outfit and resubmit.

Sidenote: Check out the picture above. Sucks to be Doris.

Shakespeare In Love

Way back in 1800 BC England, women weren’t allowed to act on the stage. The only way to do so was through the deceptive practice of disguising themselves unconvincingly as a man and strutting around with a sock in their pants. That’s exactly what Gwyneth Paltrow does in Shakespeare in Love. I think it’s also what Chris Colfer does on Glee.

Cast: Adam Sandler, Katie Holmes, Al Pacino

Synopsis: Family guy Jack Sadelstein prepares for the annual event he dreads: the Thanksgiving visit of his identical twin sister, the needy and passive-aggressive Jill, who then refuses to leave.

Release Date: November 11, 2011

Point being, you can’t be upset with Adam Sandler over this. He’s only going with the flow. However, he should have looked at all those who failed before him before taking on such an aggressively sh*tty project. If only this list existed last year. I feel somewhat to blame.

At any rate, here are seven cross-dressing comedies that might be worse than Jack and Jill.

Sorority Boys

In an attempt to clear themselves of a crime they didn’t commit, college guys Dave, Adam, and Doofer disguise themselves as women. The plan is to infiltrate their former frat-house and recover a tape that proves their innocence. Then they will be allowed to throw a big party that will get them high paying jobs regardless of their intelligence.

Makes sense to me.

Sidenote: Hey, Barry Watson. Sup?

Juwanna Mann

Probably the most important cross-dressing basketball comedy from the year 2002, Juwanna Mann tells the tale of a disgraced professional basketball renegade who, when banned from the league, reinvents himself as a female basketball star. It would have been a million times better if it included a scene where Juwanna lumps up Don Imus.

In Happy Gilmore, she played the displaced grandmother on whose behalf Happy took up golf in the hopes of saving her home from that rotten bastard Shooter McGavin. I hate that guy sooooooo much.

Bay was also a memorable Seinfeld character, playing a bakery customer who was unwilling to sell the last marble rye to Jerry for $50, forcing him to steal it.

She hadn’t done much of note in recent years, but she’sup in heaven with Chubbs now, probably wearing KISS makeup.

There’s no word whether or not this will conflict with the Three Men and a Bride sequel that Steve Guttenberg announced or whether or not it will conflict with what people actually want to view. Though Sandler himself won’t play a lead role, it is expected that he could cameo. Probably as a Cajun guy prone to loudly encouraging the film’s protagonist. (Movieweb)

In honor of this hilarious new meme, we present to you the five funniest Jack and Jill trailer parodies so far.

The Bad Lieutenant

Hitler

Nicolas Cage

Robert De Niro

George C. Scott

She tells him he’s chubby right to his face! TO HIS FACE! But by the end of the film, it would seem that Adam Sandler has more in common with his sister than he ever realized. ‘Cause that’s how these types of movies end. She embraces the role with all the charisma and warmth that one would expect from Mrs. Tom Cruise.

Beyond that, we get all the hallmarks of a lazy Adam Sandler movie: funny voices, his buddies in silly costumes, pointless and weird cameos (Al Pacino?), and lame 70′s classic rock.

Watch the trailer, then wonder what type of person says, “Intriguing. I’m excited for more.”

7 photosBrooklyn Decker

Andy Samberg has also been cast as Jonathan Van Helsing, the new boy in town who Dracula’s daughter falls for. But wait, there’s hope for this project. Genndy Tartakovsky (who is awesome) is directing. He’s best known for Dexter’s Laboratory, Samurai Jack, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, and The Powerpuff Girls. Given that track record, there’s an outside chance that the movie won’t rely on Frankenstein being too fat to ride a Segway. (Variety)

Director: Frank Coraci

Cast: Adam Sandler, Sylvester Stallone, Rosario Dawson, Cher, Kevin James

Synopsis: The animals at one particular zoo decide to break their code of silence in order to help their lovabl zookeeper gain the attention of one particular woman.

Release Date: July 8, 2011

They got the teacher part right.

Sarandon has decided to join the motley crew that is this Adam Sandler project’s cast. She joins Sandler, Andy Samberg, Ian Ziering, and, of course, Vanilla Ice. The Hollywood Reporter states that she will play a teacher who we later find out is Samberg’s mother. (Hey, they didn’t give us a spoiler alert, so we’re not giving you one. It’s a Sandler movie. There will be no surprises.)

Apparently, the role is a major one that the studio had a special interest in casting perfectly. You have to give it up for a lady who’s been playing “hot older woman” for almost 25 years. It’s kind of freaky, actually. Also in talks are James Caan, Milo Ventimiglia, Tony Orlando (?), and Dan Patrick (???). This is shaping up to make Little Nicky look like a responsible, well-made film.

I Hate You, Dad will film in Boston this summer and will probably host the strangest wrap party ever.

Synthesizing these components into a cohesive approach to this film is a bit of a fool’s errand, though this spreadshot casting technique is not uncommon to Sandler films such as Little Nicky, which featured Harvey Keitel, Rodney Dangerfield, Tiny Lister, Reese Witherspoon, and Quentin Tarantino. When I’m comparing any film to Little Nicky, that should raise red flags all over the place.

Make of these casting choices what you will. And when you get done making something of them, imagine how much fun it must have been for the producers to negotiate with Vanilla Ice.

“You will work on the film for three weeks and you will make $400 and get limited access to the craft services table.”

“I accept your terms.”(Variety)

Sandler is producing under the Happy Madison name, which means that there will be about forty of Sandler’s friends in it, most of whom will speak with “funny” accents. It’s not all bad news, though. David Wain and Ken Marino, both “The State” alumni, have performed a rewrite of the original script written by David Caspe, which allows for the possibility that their brand of humor could counteract the inertia that has been plaguing Sandler’s recent “comedic” performances. Defeating that inertia would be a herculean task, but with the way Sandler’s career has gone, all we have left is hope. (Variety)

Outside the top 2, we have this week’s “Can that possibly be a real title?” with Gnomeo and Juliet, which grossed $25.5 million for a number 3 spot. After that is something called The Eagle, which I gotta admit I’d never heard of. Apparently I wasn’t alone, since it only grossed $8.6 million. (via boxofficemojo.com)

Just Go With It isn’t nearly as bad as Grown-Ups. Just Go With It is just stupid. It’s not mean or hateful. If it weren’t my job to evaluate it, I wouldn’t really care, but here we are so this is why Just Go With It sucks a little less than Grown-Ups.

Daniel Macabee (Adam Sandler) is a player using the sympathy card when he tells the ladies about his abusive wife. And he’s a plastic surgeon so he has access to lots of hotties. He thinks Palmer (Brooklyn Decker) is actually the right girl for him, but now he’s got to convince her he’s getting divorced, because she’s no home wrecker.

Danny gets his assistant Katherine (Jennifer Aniston) to play the ex-wife, but she answers a call from her kids in front of Palmer, so now he’s got to pretend the kids are his. Forget about why Palmer is okay with all this. It’s a bit too soon for any of this to be an issue if you ask me. I mean, meeting the kids on the third date?

Luckily, Katherine’s daughter Maggie (Bailee Madison) is an aspiring actor, so she and Michael (Griffin Gluck) play along. Basically, the whole movie is about bad improv, as an excuse to justify bad improv. If you find liars fumbling for answers funny, then this is the movie for you. Personally, if it’s not Jon Lovitz, I’m not interested. Yeah, I said it.

The easy plastic surgery jokes are lame. They reference “Californication,” Saw and Avatar to show they’re paying attention. They dip into erectile dysfunction and irritable bowel syndrome in act one, and Sandler does 3-4 riffs on the price of shoes in a single scene. When Katherine’s college rival Devlin (Nicole Kidman!) shows up, it’s just embarrassing. I know she thinks she’s appealing to the populist audiences with something like this, but she should at least hold out for a Fockers movie.

Of course, it’s a total shock when Katherine dresses up hot, because you could never tell she’s attractive when she wears T-shirts and sweaters. I mean, my God, she wears glasses! Ugh, glasses, how awful.

You end up realizing halfway through that Sandler just wanted to go back to Hawaii again. They even set that up from the start. I should have caught on. Come on, you already shot a movie there. Go on your own time. There’s actually a hula dance off at the end.

At an hour and 45 minutes, the movie is way too long for this premise. You’ve got to be able to bring this sort of thing in under 90. The first thing they could cut is the awful prologue about Daniel’s cheating fiancé and he Jersey Shore friends and the Maccabee family’s big prosthetic noses. The wedding ring schtick doesn’t need an explanation. It’s just something he does until he meets the right girl.

I’m most disappointed that the trailers make this out to be a much darker, funnier premise. I thought it was supposed to be about Sandler killing off his fake kids for sympathy. The TV spots show the one scene where he announces his plan to make the fake kids disappear. That’s false advertising.

Director: Dennis Dugan

Cast: Adam Sandler, Jennifer Anniston, Nicole Kidman, Brooklyn Decker

Synopsis: A man enlists the help of a woman and her kids to land the woman of his dreams.

Release Date: February 11, 2011

Fat Man, the potential Sandler vehicle that would see him in a fat suit playing an 800 lb. man, has already gotten some interest from director Miguel Arteta (Cedar Rapids, Youth In Revolt), who told First Showing that he wanted to direct the film in an interview at Sundance:

“I’d love to do a movie with Adam Sandler that… someone said he was flirting with? It’s called Fat Man. I don’t know if you’ve heard about this? One of the main writers of The Simpsons wrote the script and it’s amazing. He would play an 800lbs. guy who has a love affair between him and his nurse. And he’s naked for the first half of the film… and it’s very touching… and it’s very funny.”

Hmm. Well… Arteta’s a perfectly competent director, and Sandler HAS been funny (in his life), but this sounds like The Nutty Professor 2 as directed by James L. Brooks. It remains to be seem whether that’s a good or bad thing.

(First Showing)