In celebration of the Hoff’s triumphant return (premiere?) to the big screen, we’ve decided to explore the thespian’s masterworks. I don’t know whether I should say he’s done it all or there’s nothing he won’t do. Both are compliments, in this sense.

Revenge of the Cheerleaders

In this early role, Hasselhoff hones his craft in the role of “Boner.” The magic starts around the 2:15 mark.

Baywatch: Nights

Baywatch: Nights started out as the sexy, grown-up version of Baywatch. 50-year old lifeguard Mitch Buchanan began moonlighting with his mentor at a private detective agency. Ratings weren’t so good so the premise was tweaked in the second season. Inspired by the success of The X-Files, the show was given a paranormal twist. Somehow or another it was canceled shortly after.

The truth is out there.

Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Before Sam Jackson donned the famed eye patch, it was worn by David Hasselhoff. I’m assuming they cleaned it in between movies. Although that could explain all those varicose eye socket veins Fury was sporting in The Avengers. Don’t f*ck with pinkeye.

Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical

It’s perhaps his most challenging role. Or at least one of the only ones where he was required to wear a top hat. Hasselhoff stars as both Dr. Henry Jekyll and his murderous alter-ego, Mr. Edward Hyde in this Broadway adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson’s classic story. And it’s two hours and fifteen minutes of this:

There’s only one way to make this show more ridiculous. And it’s this:

Burger

Whether it be performance art, a Carl’s Jr. viral ad, or a desperate cry for help, it’s no understatement that this infamous video remade Hasselhoff’s career. It’s the middle-aged, drunk actor equivalent to a sex tape.

Anaconda III: Offspring

When two gigantic, genetically-enhanced-to-have-knives-for-tails anacondas escape a research facility owned by John Rhys-Davies (naturally), David Hasselhoff is on the case. Here he plays Markos Hammett, a tough-as-nails hunter who is somehow an expert at hunting gigantic, genetically-enhanced-to-have-knives-for-tails anacondas. But does he have his own agenda? Are you actually going to watch it? Because I’ll just tell you if not.

Dancing Ninja

IMDb describes the plot as such: An orphaned boy who dreams of being a ninja arrives in Hollywood to try and find his birth parents, where he gets mixed up in a crime.

Sounds to me like this could be that sequel to Beverly Hills Ninja that is now no longer happening. Too bad too. “Ansel LaDouche” is the role Hasselhoff was born to play. I can see the ascot and everything.

Um… This Thing Where He Played Hitler

He’s really making a go of it over there in Germany.

That’s right. The Sly & The Family Stone funk legend has fallen on tough times that have forced the 68-year old to live homeless on the streets. However, he’s got a good attitude and is working hard on new material in an attempt to stage a comeback. If history has taught us anything, a little perseverance goes a long way. Just look at these formerly homeless celebrities who struggled before making it in the business of show.

Halle Berry

Some girls drop out of school to model in Paris before breaking into acting. From there it’s all runway shows and dating hot European men and giggly pillowfights with their hot model roommates. Others (like Halle Berry) move to New York and live in a homeless shelter. From there it’s all running away from cops and being peed on and fighting over pillows with your crazy hobo roommates.

Tom Jane

Turns out that Tom Jane didn’t need to do that deep research for his role in Homeless Dad. He’d already lived on the streets before making it as an actor. “You have to sacrifice everything you have. I was homeless for a couple of months there. I stayed in welfare hotels in downtown L.A. and when I wasn’t doing that I was living off of food stamps.” Also, “I just want my kids back.”

Jim Carrey

As a teenager, Jim Carrey and his family lived out of a VW van. A few years later, while on the stand-up comedy circuit, the family upgraded to a tent on his older sister’s lawn. Or was it a downgrade? I don’t really understand the homeless ranking system.

Sylvester Stallone

Turnabout is fair play. Sly Stallone may have copied Sly Stone’s name, but now Sly Stone is going to copy Sly Stallone’s homelessness. Stallone once said, “I was broke and basically sleeping in the Port Authority bus station for three weeks straight. I read in a trade paper about this film [The Party at Kitty and Studs", 1970] that was paying $100 a day—for a $100 a day I would wreak havoc. Instead of doing something desperate, I worked for two days for $200 and got myself out of the bus station.” Then he bought that awesome robot in Rocky IV.

Michael Winslow

Believe it or not, but the guy whose prime talent is imitating squeaky shoes and apple-biting had a hard time early in his career. Winslow found himself homeless in Venice Beach after hitchhiking to Hollywood from Colorado. On the plus side, it gave him ample opportunity to work on his seagull impression.

Djimon Hounsou

While coming up as a model and an actor, Djimon Hounsou slept in the subways and camped by the Eiffel Tower for two years. He was thirteen. Think about that the next time your son would rather play Nintendo DS than help out with yard work.

Charlie Chaplin

Before Charlie Chaplin became famous for playing “The Tramp,” he was just a normal tramp. Chaplin lived on the streets of London as a young boy after his father passed away and his mom was taken into a mental health facility. That’s pretty rough. No wonder he was so quiet.

Carmen Electra

Carmen Electra found herself homeless in her early 20′s after her boyfriend stole her life savings. She once told The Las Vegas Review-Journal, “You know, I had a couple of years of being homeless in Hollywood. I remember sitting on a park bench in the valley. I was crying because I was stranded. It was over 100 degrees outside.” That explains a lot. I’ll never question her appearance in Setzer-Friedberg films again.

Kelsey Grammer

Kelsey Grammer used to camp out in an alley behind his motorcycle. There’s no record of how long this went on, but it’s impressive considering all the work Grammer has got over the years and the mini-empire he is building. In addition to having run through some pretty hot tail, he also sounds like he’d be a Hide and Seek pro.

Mark Webber

Before finding his way to the big screen, Snow Day star Mark Webber and his mother were homeless. They lived together on the streets, in vacant buildings, and in homeless shelters. Well, that explains his style of dress.

Danny Bonaduce

Former child star Danny Bonaduce lived out of his car just before landing his gig as a radio host. He’s lived in the gym ever since then.