Andrei Arlovski, Universal Soldier: Regeneration

In the surprisingly-good sequel/reboot to the Universal Soldier franchise, action legends Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren are reunited in a stripped-down science fiction thriller that doesn’t have any of the goofy comic relief of previous installments. And you might guess that Andrei Arlovksi, the UFC fighter who has to share the screen with those two titans, would be crowded out. But you’d be wrong – Arlovski’s turn as the NGU definitely holds its own against Van Damme and Lundgren.

Randy Couture, The Expendables

Of all the UFC fighters to pass through motion picture history, Randy Couture is probably the one who’s made the biggest mark. He’s one of The Expendables, after all – and he got to come back in the sequel earlier this year. And although Couture doesn’t exactly light the screen on fire as demolitions expert Toll Road when compared to his (much more experienced) partners like Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, and company, he’s still better than Liam Hemsworth.

Quinton Jackson, The A-Team

There are few 1980s TV actors as iconic as Mr. T who played B. A. Baracus on The A-Team. So it’s telling that the producers of the big-screen remake cast UFC superstar Quinton “Rampage” Jackson in the part. And Jackson gets the chance to play a different Baracus from the one on the TV show. For much of the film, B.A. is an avowed pacifist! But don’t worry, he starts beating people up in due time.

Keith Jardine, Crank: High Voltage

Jason Statham stars in the batshit-insane sequel to his cult hit Crank, and he’s not wanting for company. Some of the celebrity guest stars to make cameos in High Voltage are porn star Ron Jeremy, Linkin Park’s Chester Bennington, Tool’s Maynard James Keenan, and UFC fighter Keith Jardine. Jardine may not be the most entertaining part of the movie, but his unexpectedly innocuous walk-in as a passerby should be pretty amusing to UFC fans.

Tito Ortiz (and others), Cradle 2 the Grave

If cameo appearances from UFC fighters are your bag, then Cradle 2 the Grave probably occupies a place of pride in your DVD collection. In an extended sequence involving underground cage fighting, several UFC fighters play the cage girls – just kidding. They play the cage fighters. Chuck Liddell, Tito Ortiz, and future Expendables star Randy Couture all make appearances, as well as kickboxer Héctor Echavarría. Hooray, fighting!

Hans Gruber – Die Hard

Hans Gruber’s real fault was with his planning. His team of hostage-takers were certainly imposing and able to think on their feet, but in the end they just weren’t ready to deal with John McLane. The fact that a team of heavily-armed Euro-thugs weren’t able to take out one barefoot, mostly unarmed man is just ridiculous. Yes, Gruber definitely put in the hours in terms of anticipating and leading the police outside, but he really was poorly equipped for the eventuality that a police officer might make it inside the the building. Seems kinda odd that he’d go to all that trouble and not spring for bulletproof armor.

Howard Payne – Speed

Howard Payne’s plan was completely stupid. Yes. Plant a bomb on a bus. Good job. People will notice. But then to turn it into a dangerous game of cat and mouse with the cop that you hate is silly. Just go to the cop’s house and blow him up. I get that you want to publicly embarass him, so maybe you could blow him up on the toilet like the bad guys in Lethal Weapon 2 tried to do. Now those guys were talented at their gigs.

There’s no word on which character Vaughn will play, but Lucky Strike follows a DEA agent who teams with a drug runner to take down a cartel. If it were a fudge cartel, I’d believe the casting, but maybe his character doesn’t need to do a lot of running around. He could be a really good sniper or something like that, and could flee explosions on a Jazzy scooter. I think I speak for the entire population of Earth when I say we much prefer to see that movie. Still whose to say this will be made in the near future. It’s all contingent on Scott’s crazy busy schedule and whether or not there’s a role available for Jon Favreau. (Deadline)

Seagal’s projects have become a homogeneous paste where names and locations have been swapped out by using the “find and replace” function in Final Draft. We’ve previously offered Mr. Seagal a few ideas he should use if he wants to shake things up a bit, but it seems that isn’t a concern at this stage of his career. If it isn’t broken in four places, why fix it?

Since he wants to stay on the same path, who are we to argue. Here’s what you need to do to successfully make a Steven Seagal movie.

Make Seagal A Badass

It goes without saying that Steven Seagal’s character must be the biggest badass in the entire film. No, not just the film but the entire universe in which the film is set. A great way to establish his strength is by giving him a strong name. First names like “John” or “Ethan” or “Logan” are your best bet. As far as surnames are concerned, go with something along the lines of “Steele” or “Gabriel” or “Logan.” Any mash-up of the two will work, even Logan Logan.

When his character meets a new person (or is mentioned to a new person) they must stop the momentum of the plot to comment, “Oh. You’re Logan Logan. Yes, I’ve heard of you. You’re that guy who is an expert in all areas of knowledge. Aren’t you also that guy that criminals fear and all women want to be with?” I’m paraphrasing but not by much.

He should always answer these questions with steely resolve or by saying, “Yes. I guess you could say that they know me around here.”

Character Introduction

The only way to introduce Steven Seagal on screen is by showing the man in action, doing what he does best. Which, of course, is getting results… his way. It doesn’t matter if he’s on a stakeout or working deep undercover. If he sees some form of wrongdoing, he must go off-mission to bust heads. For instance, if he’s assigned to protect the president and there’s a purse snatching nearby, he will flee the motorcade to stop the assault.

The result of this rogue behavior will get him in hot water with his boss and put him on the radar of the bad guys, which of course leads to…