I’m sorry. I’m nervous. After Cowboys & Aliens pooped its rucksack, I’m not sure there’s an audience for something as far out as this. So let’s band together as a nation and watch it so Hollywood keeps giving money to clever and creative fare. I’m sick of England getting all the cool stuff.

And I saw. And Hell followed him.

In other words, vampires of the south have been put on notice because now we have the first action-packed trailer for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Give it a watch. I dare you to find any scenes that don’t look incredibly awesome. Bravo to Tim Burton, Timur Bekmambetov, and Seth Grahame-Smith.

The reimagined stories of these men run the gamut from science-fiction to action to horror to romance to drama. They deserve to be told.

William Henry Harrison

Everybody knows that William Henry Harrison died on his 32nd day in office. But very few know that on his 33rd day… he came back.

Returned to the world of the flesh with no memory of the afterlife (and completely cured of pneumonia), Harrison begins to experience strange dreams. The puzzling images in his dreams foretell that Hell itself will open on Earth. When new President John Tyler refuses to take action, Harrison must rise to the challenge, no matter the sacrifice.

Theodore Roosevelt

The 26th President of the United States was known for being brash and surly, but little is known about his past. Mistakenly considered a “sickly” child, Roosevelt was anything but. In fact, thanks to a unique gene mutation, Theodore Roosevelt was able to heal from all injuries at a rapid pace. This edge made him a talented boxer, much to the chagrin of fight fixers who hire assassin to execute him. However, given his ability, Roosevelt survives the attack whereas his bride succumbs. Hellbent on revenge, young Roosevelt tracks the assassin for years. Will he be able to feed the assassin his own blade when he learns that it’s his own brother?

Some time has passed since then and Wanted 2 is inching forward with the hiring of Michael Brandt and Derek Haas to write the script. The duo also wrote the original which saw bullet-curving ju jitsu, a magical loom that predicted the fate of man, Common acting, and a variety of other things that made little to no sense. We’ll see how the story develops and whether or not any of the original cast return for another astoundingly retarded film. (via The Playlist)

Beyond that, there isn’t much to distinguish this set pic from a photograph of a gathering of Civil War re-creationists. They could have given us a Mary Todd upskirt shot.

We now have a clear idea of exactly whom Abraham Lincoln will be hunting in Timur Bekmambetov‘s Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Rufus Sewell has signed on to play Adam, the leader of the Southern vampires.

Britain‘s version of Jeff Goldblum is best known for his starring role in the cult favorite Dark City, but you may have also not seen him in the recently ignored film The Tourist. In Lincoln, he joins the previously cast Benjamin Walker, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Anthony Mackie, Dominic Cooper, Alan Tudyk, and Jimmi Simpson. The more I read about this film, the more excited I get. Sounds like a really awesome revisionist history story. I’d go out and read the book, but it’s a book. Yick! (Variety)

In Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Stephen Douglas is in league with the vampires of the South. It’s just the type of role that Tudyk can grab a hold of and chew the scenery. Hopefully, he’ll debate Benjamin Walker‘s Lincoln with kung fu. That would be memorable enough to hopefully help Tudyk pull ahead of Alan Thicke’s Google position. It won’t be easy, but we have to believe it’s within reach. (Variety)

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Disney has changed the release date of the new Pixar movie The Brave to June 22nd, pitting the film against the much buzzed about out AL:VH, which has a nice lookin’ acronym. Pixar films always suck serious blood at the box office, and I don’t think there’s a Pixar movie that hasn’t opened at #1 in wide release. Those cartoon guys don’t shit around.

However, The Brave – which stars the highly distinctive voices of Reese Witherspoon and Emma Thompson – may have a flaw in its CG armor. The film was supposed to be directed by Brenda Chapman (The Prince of Egypt), who would have been Pixar’s first female director. Mid-way through, Pixar Boys Club member Mark Andrews (“One Man Band” short) took the reigns.

Even so, Lincoln‘s chances of beating The Brave are as likely as the old South being like, “yeah, we’ll give up our slaves. No problemo, Aberino.” (TheWrap)

The movie will also star Benjamin Walker, Anthony Mackie, Dominic Cooper and Jimmi Simpson. As for a plot synopsis, I think you’ve got pretty much all you need from the title. Abraham Lincoln hunts vampires. If you need anything more than this I’m not sure a website is going to solve your myriad of problems. (via The Playlist)

Reznor told fans on the Nine Inch Nails website that when the story broke, he was still deciding whether or not to take the job. He decided not to do it and “hurt” all our feelings instead. The Social Network composer will be scoring The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, but that’s not gonna have nearly as many Lincoln vampire fight sequences. I assume.

Maybe winning an Oscar went to his head? Specifically, the part of the brain that doesn’t like fun and good times? Of course, he might use the time saved to work on a new NIN album. If that’s case, then the gods of rock need him, and I understand. *Bows Head, Holds Up Cell Phone Camera* (Cinema Blend)

Just another morning at the high-profile rumor mill. Which one do you want first? We got some reeeeal hot rumors for you.

1. Charlie Sheen is being courted for a cameo in The Hangover Part II!? Principal photography has wrapped, but that’s not stopping the production from circling America’s (most recent) favorite high profile celebrity meltdown. The film comes out in May, so it remains to be seen what will happen with the man who runs on Tiger Blood (AKA cocaine and porn stars) between now and then. It’ll be interesting to see if he films a cameo in two weeks and flees to Mexico with a hooker in his trunk a month later. (SlashFilm)

2. Trent Reznor could be making a return to acting after a LONG absence. The Nine Inch Nails frontman and now Oscar winning(!) composer, who first acted alongside Michael J Fox in Paul Schrader’s 1987 film Light Of Day, might return to face the cameras as a vampire who (SPOILER ALERT!) kills Abraham Lincoln‘s mother in Timur Bekmambetov‘s Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, which Reznor is also scoring. We’ll see about that, as Reznor would really be effective as a vampire. No makeup needed on that pale genius! Slap some fake fangs on that guy and he’s ready. (JoBlo)

He’ll join other noteworthy cast members like Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Dominic Cooper, Anthonie Mackie, and Benjamin Walker in Timur Bekmambetov‘s feature film. The story, based on the novel by Seth Grahame-Smith, concerns an alternate reality in which a teenage vampire who saves Mary Todd Lincoln trains the president to fight and kill vamps. It starts shooting next month and is sure to delight nerds of all classification, especially those who prefer the made up genre of Historical Macabre Comedy.

Latino Review reported earlier in the week that Australian actress McLeavy had won the role after following up on a tip. A very wrong tip.

Take all of my Lincoln‘s wife jokes from Monday and apply them to Winstead. Apologies for any confusion. Last thing I want to do is undercut the artistic merits of this super-gimmicky film. (THR)

The actor has accepted a lead role in the Brad Pitt film Cogan’s Trade, directed by Andrew Dominik (The Assassination of Jesse James By The– Yadda Yadda Yadda). However, as if that weren’t enough, he’s been offered lead roles in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Ridley Scott’s I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Alien movie Prometheus. Forget scoot-ing, this guy will have to sprint from set-to-set with a calendar that chock full o’ tentpoles.

Someone once talked me out of changing my name to “Shoo McFloozy.” Now I’m wondering if the courts are still open. (Deadline)

Australian actress Robin McLeavy has been cast as Mary Todd in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, the film that re-imagines the 16th President of the United States as kick-ass vampire slayer. It’s said that McLeavy was in the running for the part along with Mary Elizabeth Winstead, but director Timur Bekmambetov opted to cast up and coming talent in the end. Which means less money spent on actors and more spent on decapitations and removing fake blood stains from stovepipe hats. (Latino Review)

The actor-turned-rapper-turned-actor-once-again is the lead choice to play Honest Abe’s mentor in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, an adaptation of Seth Grahame-Smith‘s goofvel (a novel that’s just a big ol’ goof). His first bit of advice for the President? Quit being President to start a career as a vampire hunter, then tell everyone it was just a weird joke.

Lincoln is set to be played by actor-elect Benjamin Walker and Tim Burton will produce. (Deadline)

The story might be about Abraham Lincol fighting vampires, but it was lesser known actor Walker (Flags of Our Fathers) who fought a bunch of high-profile, blood-sucking (okay, maybe not blood-sucking) celebrities to snag the role. Josh Lucas, Adrien Brody, and Timothy Olyphant were all in the running, but it’ll be Walker’s face on this universe’s Mt. Rushmore, along with George Washington, Theodore Roosevelt and Dracula, Prince of Darkness.

20th Century Fox has scheduled the film for a June 22, 2012 release. (Collider)

Not content sticking to one historically significant character per year, Lucas is also in the running to be no less than Honest Abe himself in the much-anticipated film adaptation of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Lucas seems like an odd pick to play Lincoln, but the entire premise of the movie seems odd, so who knows what will work and what won’t.

Further solidifying the assertion that Lucas has caught “Lincoln Fever,” Lucas’ next role will be opposite Matthew McConaughey in The Lincoln Lawyer, about a lawyer who practices out of the back of his Lincoln automobile. Josh Lucas: One-stop shopping for all your cinematic Lincoln-related needs. (Deadline)

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

For those not hip to the concept here, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was originally a novel with a revisionist take on Lincoln‘s presidency, and by “revisionist” I mean the author asked, “Hey! Wouldn’t it be cool if Lincoln killed vampires?” Author and screenwriter Seth Grahame-Smith has a pedigree in this type of mash-up, also having penned the sleeper best-seller Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. The man has a style, that’s for sure.

It goes without saying that AL:VH will be brought shot and shown in magnificent 3-D, which we can hope will be a more immersive experience than Burton’s last outing, Alice in Wonderland.

The casting decision is, of course, a big one, but let’s not give too much weight to the actor playing Lincoln. When you’ve got Abe Lincoln throwing axes at Dracula, you’ve clearly waved goodbye to realism a long time ago.

"Up top! Nobody? No? Aw krikey."

Looks like Eric Bana won’t have a chance to play with his Christmas toys. He’s just signed on to a new crime thriller and has his eye on the presidency for another role.

Bana has signed on to Kin, opposite Olivia Wilde and Charlie Hunnam. In the film he and Wilde play siblings on the lam who encounter an ex-boxer played by Hunnam. Writer Zach Dean has said he came up with the idea while trapped on an airplane with faulty landing gear. I do my best thinking while crapping too.

In addition to Kin, Bana is practicing the proper pronunciation of Timur Bekmambetov‘s name before the two meet to discuss Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. It’s not a done deal by any stretch but if Bana can rock the stove-pipe hat, the role just might be his. Unless Liam Neeson steps up to the plate. We kinda owe him a Lincoln role. (via Variety and The Wrap)

_{By Guest Columnist and Confederate Apologist Archibald McClintock VI}

Based on Seth Grahame-Smith‘s novel of the same name, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter has been acquired by Fox. The film will be directed by Timur Bekmambetov, with Tim Burton on board as a producer. Of course these lily-livered Hollywood elitists can not build up the image of a man as loathsome as our 16th chief executive without first tearing down the reputation of Dixie.

"The ‘new’ history finds Lincoln discovering that Southern plantation owners aren’t using slaves for labor, but blood as they are actually evil creatures of the night.  This causes Lincoln to become an Abolitionist and the true motives for the Civil War are born."

The brave sons and daughters of the Confederacy will not sit idly by as the South’s good name is dragged through the mud. Any historian worth a damn knows that cases of vampirism in the Antebellum South were minimal, and confined to Papists in Louisiana. I intend to write a letter to all parties involved with this drivel right after I finish cooking meth, watching Nascar, and sleeping with my cousin. (HitFix)

Looks like someone is finally willing to make a movie about Abraham Lincoln. The unspell-checkable Timur Bekmambetov has signed on to direct Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Here he explains his plans with a dry, Tontoesque delivery:

"I’m prepping to direct myself. It is not a comedy at all – it is a very entertaining, epic history lesson for millions and millions of teenagers. If you remember ‘Nightwatch,’ it is maybe in the vein of that kind of movie. We are keeping the traditional look of Lincoln – the big hat and the beard. He has to be historically correct, but with a few special weapons. There is only one book, but there will be many opportunities to develop and explore this world if we get to do sequels. I hope we will start this winter. We are shooting in America."

I am excite to see this movie. No word yet casting of role of Abraham Lincoln. Actor will be tall. (Empire)