Will the bixesual trainwreck be paired with a man or woman? Will he commit sexual assault on the first episode, or will he hold out as long as he can and do it sometime during the opening credits of the second one? These are the questions that apparently none of the TV execs who cast family-friendly reality shows asked.

Maybe they could pair him with Bjork or Naomi Campbell and see if they can melt the studio walls with a nexus of insanity.

Dancing with the Stars will air sometime this…eh. Who cares?

The show doesn’t have a title, so allow me to suggest a few:

• Tangentially Related to Beebs!
• J-BAP (Justin Bieber Affiliated Program)
• Justin Bieber’s Carnivale
• Breaking Bieber (also the name of my erotic fan fiction)
• It’s Always Bieber in Bieberelphia

That would be a good slogan for ABC’s upcoming series Garage Bar, but let me be clear that me suggesting a title is not the same as granting permission for them to use it. They have to pay for that right.

While they’re mulling over a cash offer, let’s talk about Garage Bar. It’s being written, directed, and produced by Zach Braff, perhaps in an effort to become a more feminine version of Lena Dunham. I’m interested to see what kind of bar Braff designs. My guess is it has several fireplaces and the only offerings are warming brandy and wasabi peas.

I hate Garage Bar.

Coming this fall, I guess?

On the ABC series, Baumgartner stars as “Norman, a mid-level airline executive who fights to experience winning again… At anything.” Like chili-wrestling? One can only dream.

The project has an excellent pedigree with Parks and Recreation’s Harris Wittels writing. Say what you will about the appeal of Baumgartner and his ability to carry a show. He’s consistently hilarious on The Office and looking at him just forces one to smile. He’s the embodiment of joy.

(Deadline)

Nolan Gould, Modern Family‘s Luke, went on Ellen earlier this year to let the world know that he’s adorable and has an IQ of 150. I’m assuming this is very high because a) Why would you go on TV to let the world you are of normal intelligence?, and b) taking a 13 year-old boy on TV to make him admit he’s dumber than most people doesn’t really seem like something Ellen would do.

Some quick verification tells me, yes, 150 is high.

ANYWAY, Nolan Gould has taken the rest of this year and has graduated from high school. Or gotten his GED. Either way, pretty impressive for a 13 year-old. He’s considering enrolling in some community college classes online this fall, which means he’ll probably be directing Modern Family episodes before Thanksgiving, and possibly acquiring ABC, then Disney, in a complex financial scheme that you wouldn’t understand even if you had 42 MBA’s and the executive committee of Bain Capital working with you.

Details have been pretty mum for the ABC action series, but now there’s wind to be caught about the show’s central characters. They’re so Whedon-y! 

So, the hunt for a non-Billy Crystal host continues. Just not Carson Daly. Okay, guys? Agreed? (The LA Times)

That’s fine because there are at least a million candidates btter suited for The Bachelor. In fact, of those million, here are the top seven. Here you go, girls. Feast your eyes on these heart breakers.

Franck Ribery

What women wouldn’t swoon at the opportunity to romance an international footballer? These guys are wealthy, tremendous athletes who are adored all over the world. Even Franck Ribery, who looks like the offspring of Michael Richards and Sloth. The man is a national treasure in France. Sure, you might have to compete with underage prostitutes for his affections, but boys will be boys.

Ted Williams

Ted Williams is off the streets, rehabbed, and has rebuilt his life. In other words, dude is ready to mingle. And that voice, that silky, golden voice that so perfectly purrs the time and temperature. America’s ready to get to know the new and improved Ted Williams. And I’m sure the lovely young succubi on The Bachelor would be more than ready themselves.

Lloyd has joined the pilot for Only Fools and Horses. Based on a British comedy, this remake stars John Lequizamo and Dustin YBarra as two streetsmart brothers who, with the help of their grandfather (Christopher Lloyd), put together crazy and shady get-rich-quick schemes.

It’s about time that Christopher Lloyd did something that showcases his Latino roots. (Deadline)

Unfortunately, Cain declined. According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Cain’s executive assistant offered up this little gem, playing to his 9-9-9 philosophy: “He can’t dance in an eight-count. He can only dance in a nine-count.”

Take as long as you need to compose yourself from all that laughter.

No reason was given for his refusal, but one can assume that because Herman Cain doesn’t have a huge stockpile of dignity behind him anymore, he should probably hoard every morsel, and that strategy doesn’t mesh will with appearing on dancing reality programs.

The show was reportedly eying Michelle Bachmann as well, though her camp hasn’t given a response on the matter. We wait with bated breath.

It’s television’s first major attempt to create a found footage series and should be interesting to see how they manage to maintain the conceit. Comparisons to Lost are already being drawn due to the location and general creepiness, though this seems as it will be purely popcorn entertainment, which I welcome. At least it won’t leave us obsessing over mysteries that leave us wanting answers beyond “because we said so.”

So in honor of The River, here’s a list of found footage films that nail it. How will The River stack up?

Chronicle

Now in theaters, Chronicle is enjoying some really strong word of mouth. In fact, the reaction so far has been “OMG!!!1!!!!!!!!BESTFILMEVAR!1.” Which is pretty high praise, I’d say. I haven’t had the opportunity to see the dark superhero film yet myself, but maybe I’ll cancel my weekend plans and check it out. Those needy orphans I feed on Saturdays will be so disappointed.

Paranormal Activity Series

Though it has collected its share of detractors, Oren Peli’s Paranormal Activity films clean up at the box office for good reason. They’re really, really creepy. The camera techniques introduced in each of the films crank up the scares of The Blair Witch Project by layering the suspense with inventive devices. In other words, it takes the house Blair Witch built and makes its walls bleed.

The Troll Hunter

The Troll Hunter‘s contribution to the world of found footage films is its subject matter. Filmed in a documentary style, three Norwegian film students stumble upon the government’s secret eradication of giant trolls and the man hired to exterminate them. Previously, found footage films depended on tight quarters and spooky occurrences. The Troll Hunter takes a quieter approach to build the world of the trolls and their Hunter while interspersing the story with thrilling battles with the giant creatures.

The item that is absolutely the Millenium Falcon is thought to be 197 feet wide and is submerged in 250 feet of water, with track marks of upturned sea floor 1,600 feet long, indicating that the object crashed. You know, like a spaceship would.

Many are speculating what could be inside the Millennium Falcon, but I’ll save everyone from the suspense. You’re going to find a regular-sized skeleton wearing a black vest and a giant skeleton with a bandolier over its left shoulder.

With that mystery solved, we should probably get to work on cloning them, no?

Considering that he plays the alcoholic, pansexual PIRATE Jack Sparrow in the Pirates franchise, you wouldn’t think there would be much of an issue with an actor playing another role, even one such at Paul Kemp in The Rum Diary.

I guess he’s not the fun kind of alcoholic in that film. Maybe his contract stipulates that he can only portray depraved characters if he has scarves in his hair. I have the same clause in my pre-nup with my wife, which is why I’ve gone as Steven Tyler the past nine Halloweens.

A fetish group with the deceptively innocuous name clips4sale.com has publicly expressed their interest in procuring from ABC a three-second Dancing with the Stars clip in which Nancy Grace purportedly drops ass. The group has stated, ”We wish to acquire this for our members of our website who are “Flatulophiliacs” or simply put, “Fart Fanatics.”

There’s so much I still don’t know about the world.

The gazillion-dollar question is, of course, did Nancy Grace fart, or was it another party on or off-camera. I analyzed this pretty scientifically, and here’s what conclusion I have drawn:

Nancy Grace looks like a farter.

*boom goes the gavel*

The cast of Pan Am includes Christina Ricci, Margot Robbie (the hottest one by a country mile), French pixie Karine Vanasse, and Kelli Garner as women flying the friendly skies and no doubt negotiating the sexual politics of yesteryear. I don’t see a lot of nudity on the horizon, or ever, so we’ll just have to readjust our sexual fantasies to include tiny bottles of liquor and pillbox hats.

I would be remiss if I didn’t point out the similarities between this show and the high-water mark for the genre, Mad Men. However, with the tame standards set by the networks, it’s unlikely that this show will really give it a run for its money, perhaps serving as more of a Desperate Housewives to Mad Men‘s Sex and the City.

Unless Pan Am was a lesbian airline, I think that this show will probably only be appointment television for those with a stewardess fetish. This group includes myself.

To be clear, I have zero interest in “Dancing with the Stars.” But internet traffic being what it is, I have to chase the trends. That’s why I decided to have two of our writers (Wookie Johnson and Penn Collins) debate a hot topic that’s on everyone’s mind: Would you rather sleep with Nancy Grace or Chaz Bono?

There’s not a lot of upside to either choice. Chaz has that whole “gender swamping” thing going on, which, for some people, is a turn off. On the other hand, Nancy Grace has that whole “being Nancy Grace” thing going on, which is also a huge turn off. It’s a tough choice. We best leave it to the professionals. Take it away, Wookie and Penn…

Wookie Johnson: Chaz Bono, hands down. Who would pass up the opportunity to be with rock n’ roll royalty? As the only child of Sonny and Cher, Chaz undoubtedly gets into the best parties. Vanity Fair party? No problem. Tickets to the Tony’s? No big whoop. Dodgers box-seats? Whatever, I’ll go because I love nachos. Plus, Chaz could definitely score free tickets to see Burlesque. And I think we can all agree that free is the only way to see Burlesque.

Not only that, but we’re talking about the lead singer of Ceremony here. Ceremony! Have you ever been with a lead signer? No offense, but you strike me more as the type to get with the bassist. Maybe drummer. Maybe.

Penn Collins: While it’s hard (read: impossible) to argue that this isn’t a case of “the lesser of two evils,” Chaz Bono in this case is WAY more evil than Nancy Grace. Grace hosted a show on Court TV called “Swift Justice with Nancy Grace.” That’s a sexy television show title. I’m getting pretty fired up just slowly whispering the words “Swift Justice with Nancy Grace” to myself right now. Further, Nancy Grace is married, which means our relationship would be little more than raw animal sex. I like to keep things casual, Wookie. You know that about me.

Also, she has the fact that she isn’t a dude going for her. That’s huge, because I’m a straight guy, and item one on my “Do I want to sleep with this person?” checklist is “Is the person in question female?” If the answer is “no,” then I move on to another candidate. Apparently, the whole male/female thing isn’t as pressing for you. While I applaud your bisexual swinging lifestyle, Wookie, it’s just not for me.

I will concede two points: Nancy Grace doesn’t have the pedigree that Chaz has, nor is she the lead singer of a band (to my knowledge. I haven’t conducted as much research for this discussion as it merits).

Finally, please don’t presume to know how many lead singers I’ve been with. I dated Tracy Chapman for six months in 1995.

Wookie Johnson: Court TV? That hardly even counts as being on TV at all. Are you also excited by play titles?

Yes. The penis thing. I suspected you might bring this up. Though I do identify myself as a heterosexual and have never had a gay experience, I would do so in this case. This has less to do with an attraction to Chaz (though he seems pretty chill), than it does with a repulsion to Nancy Grace. Look at that hair. She looks like Lime Cat.

I would also much prefer to stare deep into Chaz’s eyes than I would into Nancy’s nostrils. I find them far more distracting than a penis.

Penn Collins: First of all, Nancy Grace’s hair frames her face wonderfully. It’s pretty clear we are running out of praises to sing about our choices, so we’re simply attacking the alternative. I’m on board.

The name Chaz, besides the fact that it’s, you know, a man’s name, isn’t one I could get behind. Chaz isn’t a sexy name. Nancy Grace is a beautiful name…a name that belongs to a classy lady who owns several chiffon negligees and has a four-post bed in which to make love.

“Chaz” sounds like someone who would try to fingerblast you at the Gathering of the Juggalos.

Further, I agree with Nancy Grace’s value system. I don’t know what Chaz Bono’s stance on murder is, but I know from the coverage of the Casey Anthony trial that Mrs. Grace is against it. Also, with Nancy Grace, I don’t have to have that awkward “top or bottom” conversation that so often kills the mood.

Wookie Johnson: Little known fact; Chaz took his name from the “All That Chaz” episode of “Charles In Charge.” You see, Chaz is the totally awesome alter-ego to Scott Baio‘s straight-laced Charles that appears whenever he suffers traumatic head injury. Speaking of traumatic head injury, what is wrong with YOUR penis that it can grow firm in the presence of Nancy Grace’s voice?

I do agree with you that murder is bad, but murder is not the case that they gave us. Please stay on subject.

Penn Collins: Stay on the subject? The subject is boning Nancy Grace and Chaz Bono. We might be dumber than we were before starting this debate. The only compelling case made here is that no one should sleep with either Chaz Bono or Nancy Grace..unless they’re in love with them and, or married to them.

Let’s have a look…

WATCH IT:

The New Girl (FOX), Premieres Tuesday, 9/20 at 9 pm

This may not be the obvious pick since FOX sitcoms are generally not the strongest and NBC has been shoving Whitney down our throats like crazy, but don’t be fooled by the Peacock’s aggressive marketing campaign.

“The New Girl” stars Zooey Deschanel as a woman who splits with her boyfriend and then becomes a roommate with three dudes. Zooey Deschanel is great to watch and the comedy in this mostly comes from the relationship she has with her new roomies. I’m thinking this may be a slow starter — like last season’s Raising Hope — and then shape up to be a pretty decent show.

SKIP IT:

Whitney (NBC), Premieres Thursday, 9/22 at 9:30 pm (ET)

I might soon be eating my words on this one, but I say don’t even bother with this. Sure, Cummings is hot (just insert your own joke at this point), she does have some occasional funny stuff, but must she scream every line at us? To me, this show is going to be like her act — funny for the first few minutes, then it’s just loud repetition.

But if you do want to tune in — the mute button is recommended — you’ll be watching Cummings starring as a chick living with her boyfriend and together they learn to deal with being unmarried, their home life, outside relationships and all that crap. This show will probably make it, but I won’t be watching.

THE REST:

2 Broke Girls (CBS), Premieres Monday, 9/19 at 9:30 pm

I like Kat Dennings and her “I could give a shit” approach to comedy and acting and this show looks kind of entertaining. It stars Dennings and another chick none of you know as waitresses in a diner. They are polar opposites, but form a buddy comedy-style friendship and decide to go into business together. Nothing ground breaking, but there is a laugh or two to be had.

Suburgatory (ABC), Premieres Wednesday, 9/28 at 8:30 pm

I loved some of the cast, but when they are in a show centered around a teen from the city that makes a move to the suburbs, I probably don’t need to say anything further. I’d rather read a book. And I never read.

In the pilot, Dean was played by Jonah Lotan, but the role has been increased in size in light of Vogel’s involvement. Vogel’s joining Christina Ricci, Kellie Garner and Margot Robbie. And the Vogelites don’t have to wait until this fall to see him in Pan Am, because he’s going to be seen next in The Help. (Deadline)

(Click Here To Check Out More Gif Recaps)

“The One That Got Away” begins with the Dunphy clan preparing gifts for Jay’s birthday. The children are making a video tribute, Phil has bought a bottle of wine, and Claire and Mitchell have decided to retake a cherished childhood picture. Phil did the same thing for his parents, and it went over like gangbusters.

Meanwhile, Cameron is at his wit’s end with Lily, and decides he needs a break. As such, he pawns her off on Gloria, claiming that his daughter really enjoys spending time with her step-grandmother, and even tried to say her name. Did this really happen…

Cameron isn’t the only one with problems. Manny has a crush on a girl, but she’s really into sports. As you can see from the Gif, he’s not the most athletic kid. But Cam agrees to help him learn. Their time together ends up planting an idea in Cam’s head, but I’ll save that for later.

Claire and Mitchell return to their childhood home to take the photograph, but the owners are out. Rather than wait for them to return, the two decide to hop the fence. Unfortunately, a large dog isn’t cool with their plans, and chases them up into a tree house. To make matters worse, the two have no cell phones, and their car has been towed.

4 photosSofia Vergara Being Abused On 'Three Stooges' Set

So, where is the birthday boy during all this? Well, he’s supposed to be fishing. Unfortunately, his family keeps pulling him away from it. Cameron asks him to pick up his own cake after being banned from the bakery. Gloria forgets her cell phone, which means Jay gets stuck picking up the dog. He also gets stuck rescuing Claire and Mitchell. To top it all off, the dog steals his birthday cake.

In the end, Jay is upset about the way his birthday turned out, but, as always, the show ends on a happy note. His birthday may have been ruined, but at least he’s still spending time with people who love him, and that’s what’s important (according to television). Speaking of family, the closest thing to a cliff hanger was the revelation that Cameron wants to adopt another child, specifically, a boy. Apparently his time with Manny really made him baby crazy. I assume they are talking about adopting a baby, and not a 15-year old Guatemalan boy. But I guess I’ll have to wait until next season to find out.

The ratings for Couric’s era have not been good, so now she’s in talks to host a syndicated afternoon talk show for ABC. Couric’s highlight reel as an anchor includes her infamous Sarah Palin interview, where she “trapped” Palin by asking what newspapers she reads. She also interviewed the regular crew of White House misfits, like President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. If you actually watch the evening news on broadcast TV, you may or may not miss her. I won’t speak for you – you’ll have to look into your heart and decide.

Scott Pelley will replace Couric starting June 6th.

Four hours earlier, everyone is preparing for the ceremony, including Cameron and Mitchell. While the two are having an extended conversation about birthing farm animals (and Claire), Cameron falls into a kiddie pool in the backyard. Mitchell laughs uncontrollably at the site of his husband falling, which doesn’t go over too well with Cam.

Meanwhile, Jay has returned home from the doctor with a droopy eye. Gloria and Manny worry, thinking he may be having a stroke, but Jay assures them it is nothing. What has actually happened is that Jay was talked into getting Botox by his dermatologist, and there was a slight mishap, causing his eye to temporarily droop. He confesses that he hasn’t felt this stupid since he bought a bracelet that supposedly helped to maintain balance. Cue flashback within a flashback of Jay getting knocked over while demonstrating the bracelet.

Back at the Dunphy’s, Alex is practicing her speech, when Haley overhears it and is horrified by the content. Alex is using the ceremony as a chance to settle old scores, and plans on mocking the popular kids for being vapid. Despite her sister’s protests, Alex plans to go ahead with the speech.

Later, the family has met up at Jay’s house for pre-ceremony refreshments. Mitchell tells the story of Cam falling in the pool to his relatives, but no one seems to find it funny. In fact, they go as far as to chastise him for being insensitive. But when Cam accidentally walks into a closed door, they all break down and laugh, causing Cam to remark that cruelty must be genetic.

As the family sets out to the ceremony, Jay’s driveway gate malfunctions, trapping the family inside. Since no one is able to figure out what is wrong with the gate, Gloria comes up with a plan. Claire and Phil can ride her bike to the ceremony, and the others will catch up when they can. Aside from advancing the plot, this scene allows for the bouncing of Sofia Vergara.

Desperate to arrive on time, Claire decides to go with the plan. Using his cheerleading skills, Phil pushes his wife up and over the gate. He asks Jay to do the same for him, but Jay walks away silently rather than touch Phil’s ass.

Haley and Alex arrive at the ceremony, and Haley makes one last plea to her sister about reconsidering the speech. She tells Alex that just because her classmates seem vapid, it doesn’t mean they don’t have their own problems. For example, Haley is worried because she has failed a class, which means she has to attend summer school and may have a hard time getting into college. For some reason, this causes Alex to reconsider. I guess the fact that Haley is failing her class because she’s a vapid moron was lost on her.

Although they look ridiculous, Claire and Phil seem to be making good time on Gloria’s tandem bike. However, the chain breaks, and the couple is left stranded on the side of the road.

Luckily, Phil is able to utilize his knowledge of Spanish to communicate with some gardeners, who give them a lift to the school. The fact that the gardeners speek perfect English doesn’t hurt matters.

Claire and Phil arrive just in time, although they are forced to scale a hill to get there.

Alex goes ahead with her speech, and instead of being vindictive, follows her sister’s advice and sticks mainly to clichés and song titles. The crowd responds positively, but I threw up a little in my mouth.

As the episode closes, Phil and Claire are saddened when Alex decides to go to a party rather than go out to dinner with the family. But when Haley offers to go instead, they feel as if their prodigal daughter has returned, and instantly begin smothering her.

Anyway, the former “Man Show” host had some choice joke-words for advertisers attending this year’s ABC upfronts. Here are some highlights. We’ll start with Kimmel roasting his own network. Hopefully, a little self-deprecating humor will cover all those shitty programming mistakes nicely.

“Remember those shows that we were so excited about last fall? We cancelled all of them. And yet here you are again. I think you might have a gambling problem.”

“You [advertisers] come here and we shower you with promises and never really follow through on any of them. If this was a show, we’d call it ‘The Bachelor.’ We tell you we love you; we give you a rose; we canoodle with you in a hot tub and then two and a half months down the line, you realize we’re gay.”

“We’re excited about all of our shows. Except ‘Shark Tank’. We have no idea how that got back on the schedule. You know what someone should invent on ‘Shark Tank’? A replacement for ‘Shark Tank’.”

Now onto the other networks…

“I have to say, I think ['The X-Factor'] is the best idea of 2002. It’s like ‘American Idol‘ meets a mirror.”

“NBC thanked God for ‘The Voice’… God has nothing to do with what’s going on at NBC. God stopped watching NBC after ‘Friends’. And God isn’t in the demo anyway.”

“CBS announced a plan to move forward and retool the show, and sure enough they found another tool, Ashton Kutcher. He happens to be a pretty solid choice. He’s popular, he’s handsome, he’s talented and he has experience. Remember, he did a very good job replacing Bruce Willis.”

And there you go. The message is: we suck, but they suck too. So… give us your money? (Hollywood Reporter)

“Pan Am”

A 60s”Mad Men“-like drama about stewardesses starring Christina Ricci, who weirdly isn’t in this clip. Maybe she’s in the bathroom?

“Once Upon A Time“

Yeah, I dunno. But it doesn’t look good. Something about Snow White, I think.

“Revenge”

An updated version of The Count of Monte Cristo starring Madeline Stowe, Emily VanCamp, and other people who probably haven’t read it.

“Charlie’s Angels“

You know “Charlie’s Angels“? This is that.

“The River“

Some kind of supernatural horror thing. Not based on the Jean Renoir film of the same name.

“Scandal”

A show about publicists starring Shonda Rhimes.

Well, there you have it. In case these clips have piqued your imagination, here’s the fall schedule for dramas. You’re welcome again.

MONDAY:

8:00 p.m. “Dancing with the Stars”

10:00 p.m. “Castle”

TUESDAY:

8:00 p.m. “Last Man Standing” [New Show]

8:30 p.m. “Man Up” [New Show]

9:00 p.m. “Dancing with the Stars the Results Show”

10:00 p.m. “Body of Proof”

WEDNESDAY:

8:00 p.m. “The Middle”

8:30 p.m. “Suburgatory” [New Show]

9:00 p.m. “Modern Family”

9:30 p.m. “Happy Endings”

10:00 p.m. “Revenge” [New Show]

THURSDAY:

8:00 p.m. “Charlie’s Angels” [New Show]

9:00 p.m. “Grey’s Anatomy”

10:00 p.m. “Private Practice”

FRIDAY:

8:00 p.m. “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”

9:00 p.m. “Shark Tank”

10:00 p.m. “20/20”

SATURDAY:

8:00 p.m. “Saturday Night College Football”

SUNDAY:

7:00 p.m. “America’s Funniest Home Videos”

8:00 p.m. “Once Upon a Time” [New Show]

9:00 p.m. “Desperate Housewives”

10:00 p.m. “Pan Am” [New Show]

(Vulture)

“Apartment 23″

Krysten Ritter tries to run a poor, innocent Midwestern girl out of her apartment, but finds out that kitty’s got claws. Also, James Van Der Beek plays himself, which is awesome. Put that flannel on, Dawson!

“Suburgatory”

Cheryl Hines and Jeremy Sisto play eccentric parents in suburbia.

“Last Man Standing”

Tim Allen is back, but without Al. But who will cut him down to size now? Oh, maybe his wife.

“Man Up”

In the face of female adversity, men try to find where they left their testicles.

“Work It”

“Bosom Buddies” without Tom Hanks and the other guy. Milton Berle is rolling over in his grave.

ABC’s FALL SCHEDULE

New shows in bold.

MONDAY

8:00 p.m.                    “Dancing with the Stars”
10:00 p.m.                  “Castle”

TUESDAY

8:00 p.m.                    “Last Man Standing”
8:30 p.m.                    “Man Up”
9:00 p.m.                    “Dancing with the Stars the Results Show”
10:00 p.m.                  “Body of Proof”

WEDNESDAY

8:00 p.m.                    “The Middle”
8:30 p.m.                    “Suburgatory”
9:00 p.m.                    “Modern Family”
9:30 p.m.                    “Happy Endings”
10:00 p.m.                  “Revenge”

THURSDAY

8:00 p.m.                    “Charlie’s Angels”
9:00 p.m.                    “Grey’s Anatomy”
10:00 p.m.                  “Private Practice”

FRIDAY

8:00 p.m.                    “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”
9:00 p.m. “Shark Tank”
10:00 p.m.                  “20/20”

SATURDAY
8:00 p.m.                    “Saturday Night College Football”

SUNDAY

7:00 p.m.                    “America’s Funniest Home Videos”
8:00 p.m.                    “Once Upon a Time”
9:00 p.m.                    “Desperate Housewives”
10:00 p.m.                  “Pan Am”

Among the new pilots being given life are:

• A “Charlie’s Angels” remake.
• “Pan Am,” the 60s drama about flight attendants stewardesses flight attendants starring Christina Ricci.
• An untitled Tim Allen sitcom that features the grunting comedian”fighting for his manhood in a world increasingly dominated by women.” Sigh.
• “Apartment 23,” which used to have the word “bitch” in the title, but doesn’t anymore.
• “Good Christian Belles,” another show that used to have the word “bitch” in the title, but doesn’t anymore. This makes ABC the leading broadcaster of TV shows that used to have the word “bitch” in their titles, but don’t anymore. Congratulatons, ABC!

Unfortunately, for new shows to be born, other shows must meet the hard, cold kiss of death. Here are the ABC series set to cross the River Styx:

• “V,” a show about reptilian aliens that invade America. I guess this means the reptillians won.
• “Mr. Sunshine,” which has been cancelled despite decent ratings, reportedly in the wake of star Matthew Perry going to rehab. Heh.
Brothers and Sisters”
• “Off The Map“
• “No Ordinary Family”
• “Detroit 1-8-7“

And so it is with the majestic Circle of Life. Cue Elton John. (Warming Glow)

We begin with trouble at the Dunphy’s. When it comes time to discipline the children, Claire once again finds herself in the role of “bad cop.” To make matters worse, she catches Phil undermining her in front of the children while she is attempting to lay down the law.

Meanwhile, Mitchell is faced with problems of his own. Cameron has come down with a nasty bug, which is jeopardizing their plans of going to the Lady Gaga concert. Mitchell is torn. He wants to take care of his partner, but he was really excited about the concert (Lady Gaga being one of the few gay stereotypes he allows himself).

Back at the Dunphy’s, Claire is demanding Phil take on the role of disciplinarian. She decides to take the boys to the go cart track, leaving her husband in charge of getting the girls to clean the bathroom.

Cameron’s situation is not improving. To make matters worse, Mitchell’s attempts to get permission to attend the concert alone fall on deaf ears.

As these two story lines unfold, Jay and Gloria are dealing with an unexpected guest. Well, unexpected on Jay’s part. Gloria has invited Guillermo, the man who bags her groceries, to talk to Jay about business. He has a plan that will revolutionize the $40 billion dog-training business. Jay points out that dog-training market is no where near that lucritive. But that doesn’t stop Guillermo and his do Stella from demonstrating their ridiculous method, which involves giving dogs a less-than-delicious biscuit when they are bad.

The dog isn’t the only one that needs discipline. Despite Phil’s requests to clean the bathroom, the girls attempt to flee to the movies before finishing their chores. This doesn’t sit well with Phil, who chases them into the street and jumps on the hood of their car.

Claire, on the other hand, is enjoying her time as the “good cop.” In fact, she might be having a little too much fun. She drives recklessly while go carting, and encourages the boys to eat loads of junk food. Her dramatic change leave the boys confused, and in Luke’s case, physically ill.

While go carting, Claire gets a call from Mitchell, asking for advice. Should he ditch sick Cameron and go on his own? When Mitchell is the sick one, Cameron bends over backwards to make him comfortable. Despite this fact, Mitchell decides he’s going to Lady Gaga.

Meanwhile, Phil has taken his role of “bad cop” to the extreme. He is forcing the girls to clean all the bathrooms in the house and unclog the drains. He also duct-tapes their laptops shut. To top it off, he’s not allowing them to eat.

Mitchell attempts to break the news to Cameron, only to find his partner is asleep. He takes the opportunity to make a run for it…

But is caught at the front door just before leaving. Embarrassed by his bad behavior, Mitchell promises to be a better partner. However, in the middle of his apology, Cameron passes out again, and Mitchell bolts for the door.

After hearing Guillermo’s awful sales pitch, Jay decides to be honest, telling him the dog treat idea is horrible. Guillermo is devastated, but grateful for the honest advice. He decides to get his life back on track by returning to school. However, this requires him to quit his job and move in with his sister, which means he has to give up the dog. Gloria volunteers to take in the animal, but Jay won’t have it and drives it to the pound. But after looking into Stella’s eyes, he has a change of heart, and Stella returns home to live with the family.

Back at the Dumphy’s, Claire returns home with a van full of Luke’s vomit. When Phil sends the girls, who are now little more than slaves, to clean the mess, Claire takes pity on them and sends them to eat. Phil and Claire both agree that things were better off as they were before, and that switching the “good cop/bad cop” roles was a bad idea.

And when Cameron wakes up from his nap, he is happy to see Mitchell watching over him. He thanks his partner for skipping the concert, but then informs him that his necklace is still glowing. Caught red handed, Mitchell panics, and the show ends.

What did you think of last night’s episode? Does Stella help round out the cast?

After establishing himself as the funniest thing about “SportsCenter,” Kilborn jumped ship to helm the first, non-political, incarnation of “The Daily Show,” then skipped out on that to host CBS’ “Late Late Show” until 2004. Since then, Kilborn has been almost completely off the radar, save for “The Kilborn Files” last year, which may or may not have aired, as no one will admit to having seen it.

Kilborn’s pompous self-satisfaction, love it or hate it, will at least provide a compelling star on network TV during a time when ensembles seem to rule the roost. And there’s also been a drought of handsome smiles since “King of Queens” went off the air. Maybe Kilborn can help with that, too. (Deadline)

We’ve compiled 10 current pilots being considered at the five major networks: ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, and CW. Can you match all 10 titles to their corresponding log line (that means “description,” for those of you who aren’t in the biz)? Check out the quiz below and see if you have what it takes.