Screen Junkies » ABC http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Sun, 10 Aug 2014 22:40:38 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 ‘Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.’ Trying Harder To Be Awesome http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/agents-of-s-h-i-e-l-d-trying-harder-to-be-awesome/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/agents-of-s-h-i-e-l-d-trying-harder-to-be-awesome/#comments Fri, 24 Jan 2014 18:04:23 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=258925 Time to get the nerds back on board.

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Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. has turned off a lot of viewers by not being at the level of awesome we’ve come to expect from Marvel’s films. The major criticism is that the show hasn’t featured any recognizable superheroes (though in all fairness, they were pretty upfront about the show following S.H.I.E.L.D. agents). The producers maintain that there has been a plan at work and now there’s word at what that plan is. Deathlok is headed to the series.

Throughout the first season, we’ve been introduced to Mike Peterson, an ordinary factory worker turned super-soldier turned hero who is now going to be turned into the cyborg Deathlok. It’s a smart move that will hopefully bring back early deserters. Everyone has complained for four years about The Walking Dead, yet they’re still lured back season to season. The important lesson that ABC has learned here, is that patience is not a virtue held by nerds. Frankly, I like the series and hope that this caving to popular demand doesn’t hurt it in the long run. If it’s allowed a long run.

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David O. Russell Bringing A Dramatic Version Of ‘Caddyshack’ To ABC http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/david-o-russell-bringing-a-dramatic-version-of-caddyshack-to-abc/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/david-o-russell-bringing-a-dramatic-version-of-caddyshack-to-abc/#comments Thu, 23 Jan 2014 21:32:58 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=258909 Think 'Downton Abbey' but with funnier wigs.

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David O. Russell is bringing his unique take on family to television. He and Erin Brockovich writer Susannah Grant co-wrote a soap which ABC picked up for a straight-to-series thirteen episode order. The series will follow the drama that goes on both upstairs and downstairs at a private country club. There’s no word on whether or not this story will be set in a different time period or which actors will need to lose or gain a lot of weight. What is known is that this is probably our best chance of seeing Jennifer Lawrence trying to kill a pesky gopher. (Deadline)

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Current ‘Bachelor’ Is Juan Heck Of A Homophobe http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/current-bachelor-is-juan-heck-of-a-homophobe/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/current-bachelor-is-juan-heck-of-a-homophobe/#comments Mon, 20 Jan 2014 14:02:41 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=258803 So dreamy though.

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The man who ABC pays to sleep with a throng of desperate, unhinged women is causing a stir. The Bachelor’s Juan Pablo Galavis (who I guess didn’t hear about the Duck Dynasty controversy) recently told The TV Page:

The former Venezuelan soccer star said Friday night that he would be 100 percent opposed to having a cycle of the reality dating show feature an openly gay or bisexual bachelor.

“I don’t think it is a good example for kids to watch that on TV,” he told me.

“Obviously people have their husband and wife and kids and that is how we are brought up. Now there is fathers having kids and all that, and it is hard for me to understand that too in the sense of a household having peoples…Two parents sleeping in the same bed and the kid going into bed…It is confusing in a sense. But I respect them because they want to have kids. They want to be parents. So it is a scale…Where do you put it on the scale? Where is the thin line to cross or not? You have to respect everybody’s desires and way of living. But it would be too hard for TV.”

I could maybe kinda see his point if his point were solely that this subject matter would be difficult to get on network television in prime-time, but he makes it plainly clear that’s not his point.

Juan Pablo’s awkward — and somewhat unexpected — comments continued as he then accused gay people of being “more pervert in a sense.”

The single dad — who has been known to ditch out on dates to spend time with 4 year-old daughter Camila — was careful to note that he has many gay friends and co-workers.

But he still believes the show would be “too hard to watch” with a non-straight leading man or lady.

Okay. Yeah. Sure. The words he’s saying a hurtful and backward and vile and hate-filled. But on the other hand, Juan Pablo Galavis is very, very handsome. Let’s please not lose sight of that.

 

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Eve The Rapper Getting Her Own ABC Show http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/eve-the-rapper-getting-her-own-abc-show/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/eve-the-rapper-getting-her-own-abc-show/#comments Fri, 17 Jan 2014 18:43:08 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=258786 Don't make her the only Ruff Ryder with a sitcom. Give one to DMX!

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Eve, the former rapper who became a UPN sitcom star, who then sort of disappeared for about six years, is headed back in front of America. Or at least the portion of America that watches ABC sitcoms.

Eve is getting her own semi-autobiographical (SOLD!) sitcom on her interracial relationship with some rich British guy named Maximillion Cooper. HILARIOUS!

I don’t know much about Eve, but I know that she’s sort of funny, and was close to DMX. Both those are reasons enough to infer that she’s a great human being and deserves every sitcom that these fledgling networks can toss her way. Let’s get Da Brat on CBS next. Mia on CNBC!

 

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Leaked ABC Doc Shows That ‘Lost’ Sure Did Change A Lot During Development http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/leaked-abc-doc-shows-that-lost-sure-did-change-a-lot-during-development/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/leaked-abc-doc-shows-that-lost-sure-did-change-a-lot-during-development/#comments Tue, 24 Sep 2013 16:12:56 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=257188 I'm surprised they didn't say it would also include Monday Night Football highlights.

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Say what you want about the premise and the path the show took, but Lost was a truly ambitious undertaking when it debuted almost a decade ago. And it wasn’t easy for all the studio execs to wrap their head around it.

In what’s an alarming testament to “design by committee” (think Poochie from The Simpsons), a document has leaked that insists Lost be everything from a medical drama to a character drama, a lawyer show and “easy to follow.” Oh well. Zero out of four ain’t bad.

Skeptically, one could say that these guys had no idea what they were doing when they put this pitch packet together. But given the sophistication the Bad Robot kids have demonstrated, it’s more likely that the creatives were playing the suits here like a fiddle, telling them everything they wanted to hear so that they could make a show that would be like nothing else on TV.

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Andy Dick Joins Cast Of ‘Dancing With The Stars’ In Move By ABC That Definitely Won’t Backfire http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/andy-dick-joins-cast-of-dancing-with-the-stars-in-move-by-abc-that-definitely-wont-backfire/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/andy-dick-joins-cast-of-dancing-with-the-stars-in-move-by-abc-that-definitely-wont-backfire/#comments Tue, 26 Feb 2013 20:21:26 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=253759 He's going to bite someone, and it's going to be a really big deal. You heard it here first.

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Andy Dick, the sometimes addict/alocholic who was originally known for The Ben Stiller Show, then for Newsradio, and now for taking out his penis and rubbing it on people, has been cast on the 16th season of Dancing with the Stars.

Will the bixesual trainwreck be paired with a man or woman? Will he commit sexual assault on the first episode, or will he hold out as long as he can and do it sometime during the opening credits of the second one? These are the questions that apparently none of the TV execs who cast family-friendly reality shows asked.

Maybe they could pair him with Bjork or Naomi Campbell and see if they can melt the studio walls with a nexus of insanity.

Dancing with the Stars will air sometime this…eh. Who cares?

 

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ABC To Produce A Sitcom Based On Justin Bieber’s Life http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/abc-to-produce-a-sitcom-based-on-justin-biebers-life/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/abc-to-produce-a-sitcom-based-on-justin-biebers-life/#comments Sat, 15 Dec 2012 02:48:57 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=252462 Just like the final season of 'The Wire' focused on the media, the first four seasons of this show will focus on haircuts.

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Of course, because he’s Justin Bieber, and too great for TV (even those new 80″ ones), he won’t be starring on the show, but rather just serving as the inspiration for the story of a teen pop star’s life. The show also promises to offer, “awkward teenage years and his unorthodox family,” lest you think that this wasn’t going to be like every other sitcom ever.

The show doesn’t have a title, so allow me to suggest a few:

  • Tangentially Related to Beebs!
  • J-BAP (Justin Bieber Affiliated Program)
  • Justin Bieber’s Carnivale
  • Breaking Bieber (also the name of my erotic fan fiction)
  • It’s Always Bieber in Bieberelphia
Have a somber weekend.

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Zach Braff Just Keeps Doing Stuff. This Time It’s A TV Show Called ‘Garage Bar’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/zach-braff-just-keeps-doing-stuff-this-time-its-a-tv-show-called-garage-bar/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/zach-braff-just-keeps-doing-stuff-this-time-its-a-tv-show-called-garage-bar/#comments Mon, 29 Oct 2012 18:08:47 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=251744 I can't wait to puke in their bathrooms.

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“When you’re posting up at Garage Bar, your cup runneth over…with feelings.”

That would be a good slogan for ABC’s upcoming series Garage Bar, but let me be clear that me suggesting a title is not the same as granting permission for them to use it. They have to pay for that right.

While they’re mulling over a cash offer, let’s talk about Garage Bar. It’s being written, directed, and produced by Zach Braff, perhaps in an effort to become a more feminine version of Lena Dunham. I’m interested to see what kind of bar Braff designs. My guess is it has several fireplaces and the only offerings are warming brandy and wasabi peas.

I hate Garage Bar.

Coming this fall, I guess?

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Even Brian Baumgartner Is Getting His Own Post-’Office’ Show http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/even-brian-baumgartner-is-getting-his-own-post-office-show/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/even-brian-baumgartner-is-getting-his-own-post-office-show/#comments Fri, 26 Oct 2012 20:57:21 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=251724 It's not about life at the Post Office.

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With The Office wrapping things up this season, the cast and creators are now lining up their next gigs. Rainn Wilson will continue the role that made him famous with the the Dwight-centric, Schrute Farms. Angela Kinsey is developing Dirty Blondes. While Greg Daniels is working on an untitled show with Craig Robinson. Actually, make that two untitled shows — the second starring Brian Baumgartner, best known as Dunder-Mifflin’s resident dunderhead, Kevin Malone.

On the ABC series, Baumgartner stars as “Norman, a mid-level airline executive who fights to experience winning again… At anything.” Like chili-wrestling? One can only dream.

The project has an excellent pedigree with Parks and Recreation’s Harris Wittels writing. Say what you will about the appeal of Baumgartner and his ability to carry a show. He’s consistently hilarious on The Office and looking at him just forces one to smile. He’s the embodiment of joy.

(Deadline)

 

 

 

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The Dumb Little Kid From ‘Modern Family’ Is Wayyyy Smarter Than All Of Us http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/the-dumb-little-kid-from-modern-family-is-wayyyy-smarter-than-all-of-us/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/the-dumb-little-kid-from-modern-family-is-wayyyy-smarter-than-all-of-us/#comments Wed, 10 Oct 2012 16:38:03 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=251388 You think he's one of those obnoxious kids that goes around asking everyone dumb riddles?

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Full disclosure: We got most of the information for this story secondhand from two episodes of Ellen. I’m not saying that to have you question the veracity, but rather to let you know that we feel shame and inadequacy with our use of Ellen as not even a primary source. 

Nolan Gould, Modern Family‘s Luke, went on Ellen earlier this year to let the world know that he’s adorable and has an IQ of 150. I’m assuming this is very high because a) Why would you go on TV to let the world you are of normal intelligence?, and b) taking a 13 year-old boy on TV to make him admit he’s dumber than most people doesn’t really seem like something Ellen would do.

Some quick verification tells me, yes, 150 is high.

ANYWAY, Nolan Gould has taken the rest of this year and has graduated from high school. Or gotten his GED. Either way, pretty impressive for a 13 year-old. He’s considering enrolling in some community college classes online this fall, which means he’ll probably be directing Modern Family episodes before Thanksgiving, and possibly acquiring ABC, then Disney, in a complex financial scheme that you wouldn’t understand even if you had 42 MBA’s and the executive committee of Bain Capital working with you.

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Meet The New Agents Of Joss Whedon’s ‘S.H.I.E.L.D.’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/meet-the-new-agents-of-joss-whedons-s-h-i-e-l-d/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/meet-the-new-agents-of-joss-whedons-s-h-i-e-l-d/#comments Tue, 02 Oct 2012 16:11:42 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=251245 They're even more Whedon-y than you'd think.

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Despite glaring plot holes, The Avengers was a pretty good time and succeeded way above expectations. It only makes sense that Marvel would try to recapture that success on the small screen too. And so, it was announced shortly after the film’s release that King of the Nerds Joss Whedon would also bring S.H.I.E.L.D. to television.

Details have been pretty mum for the ABC action series, but now there’s wind to be caught about the show’s central characters. They’re so Whedon-y! 

SKYE | This late-20s woman sounds like a dream: fun, smart, caring and confident – with an ability to get the upper hand by using her wit and charm.

AGENT GRANT WARD | Quite the physical specimen and “cool under fire,” he sometimes botches interpersonal relations. He’s a quiet one with a bit of a temper, but he’s the kind of guy that grows on you.

AGENT ALTHEA RICE | Also known as “The Calvary,” this hard-core soldier has crazy skills when it comes to weapons and being a pilot. But her experiences have left her very quiet and a little damaged.

AGENT LEO FITZ and AGENT JEMMA SIMMONS | These two came through training together and still choose to spend most of their time in each other’s company. Their sibling-like relationship is reinforced by their shared nerd tendencies – she deals with biology and chemistry, he’s a whiz at the technical side of weaponry.

No word yet on which character will be played by Amy Acker. (TV Line)

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Jimmy Fallon Will Not Giggle His Way Through The Oscars http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/jimmy-fallon-will-not-giggle-his-way-through-the-oscars/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/jimmy-fallon-will-not-giggle-his-way-through-the-oscars/#comments Wed, 08 Aug 2012 16:54:37 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=250231 ABC is standing by their own Jimmy.

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ABC is standing by their Jimmy. The network has backed out of negotiations with Late Night with Jimmy Fallon host, Jimmy Fallon (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon) due to his direct rivalry with their own Jimmy Kimmel of Jimmy Kimmel Live fame. Either that or they saw those Capitol One ads that I want to punch.

So, the hunt for a non-Billy Crystal host continues. Just not Carson Daly. Okay, guys? Agreed? (The LA Times)

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7 ‘Bachelor’ Hopefuls More Eligible Than Tim Tebow http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-lists/7-bachelor-hopefuls-more-eligible-than-tim-tebow/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-lists/7-bachelor-hopefuls-more-eligible-than-tim-tebow/#comments Tue, 06 Mar 2012 22:19:12 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=246886 Here you go, girls. Get a load of these heartbreakers.

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Though he’s likely too busy being married to God, The Bachelor host Chris Harrison has announced that he spoke with Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow about joining the show. “I’ve actually met Tim Tebow. I met him about becoming our next Bachelor,” says Harrison. He went on to say that Tebow said yes but the demands of his football career will prevent his inclusion.

That’s fine because there are at least a million candidates btter suited for The Bachelor. In fact, of those million, here are the top seven. Here you go, girls. Feast your eyes on these heart breakers.

Franck Ribery

What women wouldn’t swoon at the opportunity to romance an international footballer? These guys are wealthy, tremendous athletes who are adored all over the world. Even Franck Ribery, who looks like the offspring of Michael Richards and Sloth. The man is a national treasure in France. Sure, you might have to compete with underage prostitutes for his affections, but boys will be boys.

Ted Williams

Ted Williams is off the streets, rehabbed, and has rebuilt his life. In other words, dude is ready to mingle. And that voice, that silky, golden voice that so perfectly purrs the time and temperature. America’s ready to get to know the new and improved Ted Williams. And I’m sure the lovely young succubi on The Bachelor would be more than ready themselves.

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Christopher Lloyd Joins John Leguizamo Comedy, ‘Only Fools And Horses’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/christopher-lloyd-joins-john-leguizamo-comedy-only-fools-and-horses/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/christopher-lloyd-joins-john-leguizamo-comedy-only-fools-and-horses/#comments Thu, 01 Mar 2012 16:40:29 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=246592 Alternate title: 'Only Fools and Horses Rush In At 88mph'

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Everyone’s favorite creaky-boned actor, Christopher Lloyd, is coming to your television! Maybe!!

Lloyd has joined the pilot for Only Fools and Horses. Based on a British comedy, this remake stars John Lequizamo and Dustin YBarra as two streetsmart brothers who, with the help of their grandfather (Christopher Lloyd), put together crazy and shady get-rich-quick schemes.

It’s about time that Christopher Lloyd did something that showcases his Latino roots. (Deadline)

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Sadly, Herman Cain Won’t Be On ‘Dancing With The Stars’ Next Season http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/sadly-herman-cain-wont-be-on-dancing-with-the-stars-next-season/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/sadly-herman-cain-wont-be-on-dancing-with-the-stars-next-season/#comments Wed, 15 Feb 2012 14:00:34 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=245368 We'd rather see him in a 'Temptation Island' reboot, anyway.

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Normally, we’re not in the habit of publishing developments that don’t happen, but this non-event is mostly interesting (and hilarious) because Herman Cain was asked by the producers of ABC hit Dancing with the Stars to get out their and shake his shit.

Unfortunately, Cain declined. According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Cain’s executive assistant offered up this little gem, playing to his 9-9-9 philosophy: “He can’t dance in an eight-count. He can only dance in a nine-count.”

Take as long as you need to compose yourself from all that laughter.

No reason was given for his refusal, but one can assume that because Herman Cain doesn’t have a huge stockpile of dignity behind him anymore, he should probably hoard every morsel, and that strategy doesn’t mesh will with appearing on dancing reality programs.

The show was reportedly eying Michelle Bachmann as well, though her camp hasn’t given a response on the matter. We wait with bated breath.

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The 8 Found Footage Projects That Got It Right http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/the-8-found-footage-projects-that-got-it-right/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/the-8-found-footage-projects-that-got-it-right/#comments Tue, 07 Feb 2012 20:22:46 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=244754 How does 'The River' compare?

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Oren Peli‘s The River premieres tonight on ABC, and advance buzz is that it’s fantastic. The series is presented entirely as found footage as family members search a mysterious jungle for their lost father. The scares are said to be ample courtesy of the jungle creatures that terrorize the cast.

It’s television’s first major attempt to create a found footage series and should be interesting to see how they manage to maintain the conceit. Comparisons to Lost are already being drawn due to the location and general creepiness, though this seems as it will be purely popcorn entertainment, which I welcome. At least it won’t leave us obsessing over mysteries that leave us wanting answers beyond “because we said so.”

So in honor of The River, here’s a list of found footage films that nail it. How will The River stack up?

Chronicle

Now in theaters, Chronicle is enjoying some really strong word of mouth. In fact, the reaction so far has been “OMG!!!1!!!!!!!!BESTFILMEVAR!1.” Which is pretty high praise, I’d say. I haven’t had the opportunity to see the dark superhero film yet myself, but maybe I’ll cancel my weekend plans and check it out. Those needy orphans I feed on Saturdays will be so disappointed.

Paranormal Activity Series

Though it has collected its share of detractors, Oren Peli’s Paranormal Activity films clean up at the box office for good reason. They’re really, really creepy. The camera techniques introduced in each of the films crank up the scares of The Blair Witch Project by layering the suspense with inventive devices. In other words, it takes the house Blair Witch built and makes its walls bleed.

The Troll Hunter

The Troll Hunter‘s contribution to the world of found footage films is its subject matter. Filmed in a documentary style, three Norwegian film students stumble upon the government’s secret eradication of giant trolls and the man hired to exterminate them. Previously, found footage films depended on tight quarters and spooky occurrences. The Troll Hunter takes a quieter approach to build the world of the trolls and their Hunter while interspersing the story with thrilling battles with the giant creatures.

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MILLENNIUM FALCON FOUND AT BOTTOM OF BALTIC SEA!!! http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/millenium-falcon-found/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/millenium-falcon-found/#comments Wed, 01 Feb 2012 19:56:19 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=244277 This is the ship we're looking for.

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A group of treasure hunters (sweet) were presumably hunting for treasure when they came across what is definitely the Star Wars vessel the Millenium Falcon on the floor of the Baltic Sea between Sweden and Finland. In related news, that’s almost exactly where I told people it would be. I was telling people that I thought it would be very near the coast of Denmark, which it pretty much is.

The item that is absolutely the Millenium Falcon is thought to be 197 feet wide and is submerged in 250 feet of water, with track marks of upturned sea floor 1,600 feet long, indicating that the object crashed. You know, like a spaceship would.

Many are speculating what could be inside the Millennium Falcon, but I’ll save everyone from the suspense. You’re going to find a regular-sized skeleton wearing a black vest and a giant skeleton with a bandolier over its left shoulder.

With that mystery solved, we should probably get to work on cloning them, no?

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Disney Doesn’t Want The World To Know Johnny Depp Acts In Non-’Pirates’ Films http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/disney-doesnt-want-the-world-to-know-johnny-depp-acts-in-non-pirates-films/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/disney-doesnt-want-the-world-to-know-johnny-depp-acts-in-non-pirates-films/#comments Mon, 24 Oct 2011 17:30:01 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=233506 Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh you f*cking kidding me?

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I guess it’s understandable that Disney doesn’t want to tarnish the reputation of its multi-billion-dollar Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, but this news is disappointing nonetheless. Disney has forbidden all ABC news outlets from covering Johnny Depp in his promotion for the Hunter S. Thompson adaptation The Rum Diary, which premiered this weekend.

Considering that he plays the alcoholic, pansexual PIRATE Jack Sparrow in the Pirates franchise, you wouldn’t think there would be much of an issue with an actor playing another role, even one such at Paul Kemp in The Rum Diary.

I guess he’s not the fun kind of alcoholic in that film. Maybe his contract stipulates that he can only portray depraved characters if he has scarves in his hair. I have the same clause in my pre-nup with my wife, which is why I’ve gone as Steven Tyler the past nine Halloweens.

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‘Revenge’ Actress Emily VanCamp http://www.screenjunkies.com/gallery/%e2%80%98revenge%e2%80%99-actress-emily-vancamp/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/gallery/%e2%80%98revenge%e2%80%99-actress-emily-vancamp/#comments Fri, 21 Oct 2011 17:32:19 +0000 Screen Junkies http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=gallery&p=233319 She's fighting the establishment by being the establishment.

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Emily VanCamp has revenge on the mind in her role as Emily Thorne on ABC‘s “Revenge.” The show, which is loosely based on Alexander Dumas’ The Count of Monte Cristo, follows VanCamp as a wealthy heiress on a quest to avenge her defamed father by screwing over bunch of rich people in the Hamptons. Kind of like the 99-percent, if the 99-percent was a cute blonde girl with Batman-like financial resources and a boss headquarters in one of the country’s richest zip codes. Emmy gold right here.

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BREAKING: Fetish Group Trying To Purchase Footage Of Nancy Grace Farting http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/breaking-fetish-group-trying-to-purchase-footage-of-nancy-grace-farting/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/breaking-fetish-group-trying-to-purchase-footage-of-nancy-grace-farting/#comments Fri, 07 Oct 2011 19:04:57 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=231669 Nancy Grace's 'DWTS' run is quickly turning her into Britney Spears, looks notwithstanding.

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You’re about to read a bunch of stuff that can’t be unread. If shit is getting too real for you, leave at any time via this link.

A fetish group with the deceptively innocuous name clips4sale.com has publicly expressed their interest in procuring from ABC a three-second Dancing with the Stars clip in which Nancy Grace purportedly drops ass. The group has stated, ”We wish to acquire this for our members of our website who are “Flatulophiliacs” or simply put, “Fart Fanatics.”

There’s so much I still don’t know about the world.

The gazillion-dollar question is, of course, did Nancy Grace fart, or was it another party on or off-camera. I analyzed this pretty scientifically, and here’s what conclusion I have drawn:

Nancy Grace looks like a farter.

*boom goes the gavel*

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The Women Of ‘Pan Am’ Can Be Used As Flotation Devices http://www.screenjunkies.com/gallery/the-women-of-pan-am-can-be-used-as-flotation-devices/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/gallery/the-women-of-pan-am-can-be-used-as-flotation-devices/#comments Mon, 26 Sep 2011 19:28:50 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=gallery&p=230017 Even in 60's, the in-flight entertainment was Everybody Loves Raymond.

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Pan Am doesn’t do much to support the notion that stewardesses (I’ll be goddamned if I’m ever calling them “flight attendants”) were once sex symbols. Sure, they’re hotter than the effeminate guys in the short sleeve shirts that are so prevalent now, but that’s a pretty low bar to clear. The concept of the show seems to be “pretty women in the 60′s,” so let’s take a look at how the gals fare.

The cast of Pan Am includes Christina Ricci, Margot Robbie (the hottest one by a country mile), French pixie Karine Vanasse, and Kelli Garner as women flying the friendly skies and no doubt negotiating the sexual politics of yesteryear. I don’t see a lot of nudity on the horizon, or ever, so we’ll just have to readjust our sexual fantasies to include tiny bottles of liquor and pillbox hats.

I would be remiss if I didn’t point out the similarities between this show and the high-water mark for the genre, Mad Men. However, with the tame standards set by the networks, it’s unlikely that this show will really give it a run for its money, perhaps serving as more of a Desperate Housewives to Mad Men‘s Sex and the City.

Unless Pan Am was a lesbian airline, I think that this show will probably only be appointment television for those with a stewardess fetish. This group includes myself.

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Would You Rather Sleep With Nancy Grace Or Chaz Bono? http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-lists/would-you-rather-sleep-with-nancy-grace-or-chaz-bono/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-lists/would-you-rather-sleep-with-nancy-grace-or-chaz-bono/#comments Tue, 30 Aug 2011 22:50:44 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=226530 Choose or lose!

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By now you’ve heard that both Nancy Grace and Chaz Bono will be contestants on the upcoming season of “Dancing with the Stars”. How very proud we are of all of them.

To be clear, I have zero interest in “Dancing with the Stars.” But internet traffic being what it is, I have to chase the trends. That’s why I decided to have two of our writers (Wookie Johnson and Penn Collins) debate a hot topic that’s on everyone’s mind: Would you rather sleep with Nancy Grace or Chaz Bono?

There’s not a lot of upside to either choice. Chaz has that whole “gender swamping” thing going on, which, for some people, is a turn off. On the other hand, Nancy Grace has that whole “being Nancy Grace” thing going on, which is also a huge turn off. It’s a tough choice. We best leave it to the professionals. Take it away, Wookie and Penn…

Wookie Johnson: Chaz Bono, hands down. Who would pass up the opportunity to be with rock n’ roll royalty? As the only child of Sonny and Cher, Chaz undoubtedly gets into the best parties. Vanity Fair party? No problem. Tickets to the Tony’s? No big whoop. Dodgers box-seats? Whatever, I’ll go because I love nachos. Plus, Chaz could definitely score free tickets to see Burlesque. And I think we can all agree that free is the only way to see Burlesque.

Not only that, but we’re talking about the lead singer of Ceremony here. Ceremony! Have you ever been with a lead signer? No offense, but you strike me more as the type to get with the bassist. Maybe drummer. Maybe.

Penn Collins: While it’s hard (read: impossible) to argue that this isn’t a case of “the lesser of two evils,” Chaz Bono in this case is WAY more evil than Nancy Grace. Grace hosted a show on Court TV called “Swift Justice with Nancy Grace.” That’s a sexy television show title. I’m getting pretty fired up just slowly whispering the words “Swift Justice with Nancy Grace” to myself right now. Further, Nancy Grace is married, which means our relationship would be little more than raw animal sex. I like to keep things casual, Wookie. You know that about me.

Also, she has the fact that she isn’t a dude going for her. That’s huge, because I’m a straight guy, and item one on my “Do I want to sleep with this person?” checklist is “Is the person in question female?” If the answer is “no,” then I move on to another candidate. Apparently, the whole male/female thing isn’t as pressing for you. While I applaud your bisexual swinging lifestyle, Wookie, it’s just not for me.

I will concede two points: Nancy Grace doesn’t have the pedigree that Chaz has, nor is she the lead singer of a band (to my knowledge. I haven’t conducted as much research for this discussion as it merits).

Finally, please don’t presume to know how many lead singers I’ve been with. I dated Tracy Chapman for six months in 1995.

Wookie Johnson: Court TV? That hardly even counts as being on TV at all. Are you also excited by play titles?

Yes. The penis thing. I suspected you might bring this up. Though I do identify myself as a heterosexual and have never had a gay experience, I would do so in this case. This has less to do with an attraction to Chaz (though he seems pretty chill), than it does with a repulsion to Nancy Grace. Look at that hair. She looks like Lime Cat.

I would also much prefer to stare deep into Chaz’s eyes than I would into Nancy’s nostrils. I find them far more distracting than a penis.

Penn Collins: First of all, Nancy Grace’s hair frames her face wonderfully. It’s pretty clear we are running out of praises to sing about our choices, so we’re simply attacking the alternative. I’m on board.

The name Chaz, besides the fact that it’s, you know, a man’s name, isn’t one I could get behind. Chaz isn’t a sexy name. Nancy Grace is a beautiful name…a name that belongs to a classy lady who owns several chiffon negligees and has a four-post bed in which to make love.

“Chaz” sounds like someone who would try to fingerblast you at the Gathering of the Juggalos.

Further, I agree with Nancy Grace’s value system. I don’t know what Chaz Bono’s stance on murder is, but I know from the coverage of the Casey Anthony trial that Mrs. Grace is against it. Also, with Nancy Grace, I don’t have to have that awkward “top or bottom” conversation that so often kills the mood.

Wookie Johnson: Little known fact; Chaz took his name from the “All That Chaz” episode of “Charles In Charge.” You see, Chaz is the totally awesome alter-ego to Scott Baio‘s straight-laced Charles that appears whenever he suffers traumatic head injury. Speaking of traumatic head injury, what is wrong with YOUR penis that it can grow firm in the presence of Nancy Grace’s voice?

I do agree with you that murder is bad, but murder is not the case that they gave us. Please stay on subject.

Penn Collins: Stay on the subject? The subject is boning Nancy Grace and Chaz Bono. We might be dumber than we were before starting this debate. The only compelling case made here is that no one should sleep with either Chaz Bono or Nancy Grace..unless they’re in love with them and, or married to them.

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Fall TV Tips: The Girl Sitcoms http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/fall-tv-tips-the-girl-sitcoms/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/fall-tv-tips-the-girl-sitcoms/#comments Tue, 02 Aug 2011 16:52:16 +0000 Skippy http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=222979 Who says girls can't be funny? Well, at least some of them.

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Last week, I ran-down this fall’s guy sitcoms, so this time around we’ll take a look at the chick side of things. And for once, the new shows starring the gals look more promising than the offering from the guy-centered sitcoms. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Let’s have a look…

WATCH IT:

The New Girl (FOX), Premieres Tuesday, 9/20 at 9 pm


This may not be the obvious pick since FOX sitcoms are generally not the strongest and NBC has been shoving Whitney down our throats like crazy, but don’t be fooled by the Peacock’s aggressive marketing campaign.

“The New Girl” stars Zooey Deschanel as a woman who splits with her boyfriend and then becomes a roommate with three dudes. Zooey Deschanel is great to watch and the comedy in this mostly comes from the relationship she has with her new roomies. I’m thinking this may be a slow starter — like last season’s Raising Hope — and then shape up to be a pretty decent show.

SKIP IT:

Whitney (NBC), Premieres Thursday, 9/22 at 9:30 pm (ET)


I might soon be eating my words on this one, but I say don’t even bother with this. Sure, Cummings is hot (just insert your own joke at this point), she does have some occasional funny stuff, but must she scream every line at us? To me, this show is going to be like her act — funny for the first few minutes, then it’s just loud repetition.

But if you do want to tune in — the mute button is recommended — you’ll be watching Cummings starring as a chick living with her boyfriend and together they learn to deal with being unmarried, their home life, outside relationships and all that crap. This show will probably make it, but I won’t be watching.

THE REST:

2 Broke Girls (CBS), Premieres Monday, 9/19 at 9:30 pm


I like Kat Dennings and her “I could give a shit” approach to comedy and acting and this show looks kind of entertaining. It stars Dennings and another chick none of you know as waitresses in a diner. They are polar opposites, but form a buddy comedy-style friendship and decide to go into business together. Nothing ground breaking, but there is a laugh or two to be had.

Suburgatory (ABC), Premieres Wednesday, 9/28 at 8:30 pm


I loved some of the cast, but when they are in a show centered around a teen from the city that makes a move to the suburbs, I probably don’t need to say anything further. I’d rather read a book. And I never read.

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Mike Vogel To Be The Vogeliest Pilot In ‘Pan Am’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/mike-vogel-to-be-the-vogeliest-pilot-in-pan-am/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/mike-vogel-to-be-the-vogeliest-pilot-in-pan-am/#comments Sat, 16 Jul 2011 21:22:09 +0000 Joseph Gibson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=220582 He didn't play the pilot in the pilot, but he's playing him now.

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If you’re one of the hip industry insiders who saw the pilot for the upcoming ABC drama Pan Am, you’ll know that Mike Vogel (Blue Valentine) was nowhere to be found within its sturdy fuselage. But now, Vogel fans everywhere have a reason to watch a show about flight attendants: He’s signed onto the series as “Dean … the captain of the amazing new Pan Am clipper, the Majestic, living every man’s dream, exploring the world and leading the crew.”

In the pilot, Dean was played by Jonah Lotan, but the role has been increased in size in light of Vogel’s involvement. Vogel’s joining Christina Ricci, Kellie Garner and Margot Robbie. And the Vogelites don’t have to wait until this fall to see him in Pan Am, because he’s going to be seen next in The Help. (Deadline)

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Gif Recap: ‘Modern Family’ – The One That Got Away http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-episode/gif-recap-modern-family-the-one-that-got-away/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-episode/gif-recap-modern-family-the-one-that-got-away/#comments Thu, 26 May 2011 22:14:55 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=213753 For the season finale, the writers shied away from gimmicks and and cliff hangers (with one possible exception), and instead focused on crafting another solid episode.

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Last night marked the end of “Modern Family’s” second season. The writers shied away from gimmicks and and cliff hangers (with one possible exception), and instead focused on crafting another solid episode. Once again, they managed to strike a balance between humor and sentimentality. This ability to push schmaltz to the absolute breaking point without crossing the line is what makes”Modern Family” the most tolerable family sitcom in recent memory.

(Click Here To Check Out More Gif Recaps)

“The One That Got Away” begins with the Dunphy clan preparing gifts for Jay’s birthday. The children are making a video tribute, Phil has bought a bottle of wine, and Claire and Mitchell have decided to retake a cherished childhood picture. Phil did the same thing for his parents, and it went over like gangbusters.

Meanwhile, Cameron is at his wit’s end with Lily, and decides he needs a break. As such, he pawns her off on Gloria, claiming that his daughter really enjoys spending time with her step-grandmother, and even tried to say her name. Did this really happen…

Cameron isn’t the only one with problems. Manny has a crush on a girl, but she’s really into sports. As you can see from the Gif, he’s not the most athletic kid. But Cam agrees to help him learn. Their time together ends up planting an idea in Cam’s head, but I’ll save that for later.

Claire and Mitchell return to their childhood home to take the photograph, but the owners are out. Rather than wait for them to return, the two decide to hop the fence. Unfortunately, a large dog isn’t cool with their plans, and chases them up into a tree house. To make matters worse, the two have no cell phones, and their car has been towed.

4 photosSofia Vergara Being Abused On 'Three Stooges' Set

Where’s Phil during all this? Glad you asked. While getting Jay a card, he runs into his old college rival. After an embarrassing exchange, he then runs into Gloria and begins to walk with her. When passers by begin to mistake him for Gloria’s husband, he decides to use Gloria as a way to get back at his nemesis, by convincing him that he has married a gorgeous woman. However, the plan backfires when his nemesis admits he was always jealous of Phil for dating Claire. Either way, at least we got a nice shot of Sofia Vergara‘s breasts.

So, where is the birthday boy during all this? Well, he’s supposed to be fishing. Unfortunately, his family keeps pulling him away from it. Cameron asks him to pick up his own cake after being banned from the bakery. Gloria forgets her cell phone, which means Jay gets stuck picking up the dog. He also gets stuck rescuing Claire and Mitchell. To top it all off, the dog steals his birthday cake.

In the end, Jay is upset about the way his birthday turned out, but, as always, the show ends on a happy note. His birthday may have been ruined, but at least he’s still spending time with people who love him, and that’s what’s important (according to television). Speaking of family, the closest thing to a cliff hanger was the revelation that Cameron wants to adopt another child, specifically, a boy. Apparently his time with Manny really made him baby crazy. I assume they are talking about adopting a baby, and not a 15-year old Guatemalan boy. But I guess I’ll have to wait until next season to find out.

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See Abed’s Cameo On ‘Cougar Town’ As Promised By ‘Community’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/see-abeds-cameo-on-cougar-town-as-promised-by-community/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/see-abeds-cameo-on-cougar-town-as-promised-by-community/#comments Thu, 26 May 2011 16:22:40 +0000 Joseph Gibson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=Video&p=213715 It's a Special Relationship.

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If you’ve succumbed to peer pressure and have been watching “Community” on NBC, you know that it has a Special Relationship with the ABC show”Cougar Town.” It culminated last night on “Cougar Town,” when none other than Abed himself, Danny Pudi, could be seen in the background during a scene on the show. And if you watch the clip above, you’ll see that it’s not just Pudi picking up some work as an extra, he’s in character as Abed, which quite frankly is making me a little dizzy.

6 photosMichelle Krusiec


This isn’t the first co-mingling of the two series. Dan Byrd and Busy Philipps, the principals of the scene above, appeared as extras on an episode of “Community.” I … I need to sit down. (The Washington Post)

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Watch Katie Couric Tell ‘CBS Evening News’ She’s “Audi 5000″ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/watch-katie-couric-tell-cbs-evening-news-shes-audi-5000/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/watch-katie-couric-tell-cbs-evening-news-shes-audi-5000/#comments Fri, 20 May 2011 03:47:03 +0000 Geoffrey Golden http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=Video&p=212991 Here's Couric's hoopla-free sign-off to "CBS Evening News," coming after just five years.

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When Katie Couric became the first solo woman anchor for a major network, there was a lot of hoopla. I mean, a shit-ton of hoopla. Above is Couric’s hoopla-free sign-off to “CBS Evening News,” coming after just five years. She talks about how much more awesome past anchor’s sign-off lines were, and fails to come up with a cooler one. How about: “Katie Couric Just Came Atcha – With News.” That would have been perfect, but oh well.

The ratings for Couric’s era have not been good, so now she’s in talks to host a syndicated afternoon talk show for ABC. Couric’s highlight reel as an anchor includes her infamous Sarah Palin interview, where she “trapped” Palin by asking what newspapers she reads. She also interviewed the regular crew of White House misfits, like President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. If you actually watch the evening news on broadcast TV, you may or may not miss her. I won’t speak for you – you’ll have to look into your heart and decide.

Scott Pelley will replace Couric starting June 6th.

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Gif Recap: ‘Modern Family’ – See You Next Fall http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-episode/gif-recap-modern-family-see-you-next-fall/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-episode/gif-recap-modern-family-see-you-next-fall/#comments Thu, 19 May 2011 19:36:32 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=212857 Last night’s”Modern Family” began with Alex Dunphy’s 8th-grade graduation ceremony, where she, as valedictorian, was about to give a speech. Why an 8th grade class needs a valedictorian is beyond...

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Last night’s”Modern Family” began with Alex Dunphy’s 8th-grade graduation ceremony, where she, as valedictorian, was about to give a speech. Why an 8th grade class needs a valedictorian is beyond me, but whatever. I guess they do things differently in the land of make believe, so who am I to judge? In attendance, we see all of the family, with the notable exception of Phil and Claire. Oh where, oh where can they be? I’m glad you asked (even if you didn’t) because all will be explained in flashback form.

Four hours earlier, everyone is preparing for the ceremony, including Cameron and Mitchell. While the two are having an extended conversation about birthing farm animals (and Claire), Cameron falls into a kiddie pool in the backyard. Mitchell laughs uncontrollably at the site of his husband falling, which doesn’t go over too well with Cam.

Meanwhile, Jay has returned home from the doctor with a droopy eye. Gloria and Manny worry, thinking he may be having a stroke, but Jay assures them it is nothing. What has actually happened is that Jay was talked into getting Botox by his dermatologist, and there was a slight mishap, causing his eye to temporarily droop. He confesses that he hasn’t felt this stupid since he bought a bracelet that supposedly helped to maintain balance. Cue flashback within a flashback of Jay getting knocked over while demonstrating the bracelet.

Back at the Dunphy’s, Alex is practicing her speech, when Haley overhears it and is horrified by the content. Alex is using the ceremony as a chance to settle old scores, and plans on mocking the popular kids for being vapid. Despite her sister’s protests, Alex plans to go ahead with the speech.

Later, the family has met up at Jay’s house for pre-ceremony refreshments. Mitchell tells the story of Cam falling in the pool to his relatives, but no one seems to find it funny. In fact, they go as far as to chastise him for being insensitive. But when Cam accidentally walks into a closed door, they all break down and laugh, causing Cam to remark that cruelty must be genetic.

As the family sets out to the ceremony, Jay’s driveway gate malfunctions, trapping the family inside. Since no one is able to figure out what is wrong with the gate, Gloria comes up with a plan. Claire and Phil can ride her bike to the ceremony, and the others will catch up when they can. Aside from advancing the plot, this scene allows for the bouncing of Sofia Vergara.

Desperate to arrive on time, Claire decides to go with the plan. Using his cheerleading skills, Phil pushes his wife up and over the gate. He asks Jay to do the same for him, but Jay walks away silently rather than touch Phil’s ass.

Haley and Alex arrive at the ceremony, and Haley makes one last plea to her sister about reconsidering the speech. She tells Alex that just because her classmates seem vapid, it doesn’t mean they don’t have their own problems. For example, Haley is worried because she has failed a class, which means she has to attend summer school and may have a hard time getting into college. For some reason, this causes Alex to reconsider. I guess the fact that Haley is failing her class because she’s a vapid moron was lost on her.

Although they look ridiculous, Claire and Phil seem to be making good time on Gloria’s tandem bike. However, the chain breaks, and the couple is left stranded on the side of the road.

Luckily, Phil is able to utilize his knowledge of Spanish to communicate with some gardeners, who give them a lift to the school. The fact that the gardeners speek perfect English doesn’t hurt matters.

Claire and Phil arrive just in time, although they are forced to scale a hill to get there.

Alex goes ahead with her speech, and instead of being vindictive, follows her sister’s advice and sticks mainly to clichés and song titles. The crowd responds positively, but I threw up a little in my mouth.

As the episode closes, Phil and Claire are saddened when Alex decides to go to a party rather than go out to dinner with the family. But when Haley offers to go instead, they feel as if their prodigal daughter has returned, and instantly begin smothering her.

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Kimmel Jokingly Apologizes For ABC At The Upfronts http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/kimmel-jokingly-apologizes-for-abc-at-the-upfronts/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/kimmel-jokingly-apologizes-for-abc-at-the-upfronts/#comments Wed, 18 May 2011 02:14:30 +0000 Geoffrey Golden http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=212610 The gist of Kimmel's stand-up routine was: our network sucks, but other networks suck too. So... give us your money?

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I haven’t forgotten that Jimmy Kimmel continues to host a late night talk show on ABC, but it’s just not something I think about that much. He’s not consistently on my radar, like Conan O’Brien, but he’s also not at Carson Daly levels of forgotten-ness.

Anyway, the former “Man Show” host had some choice joke-words for advertisers attending this year’s ABC upfronts. Here are some highlights. We’ll start with Kimmel roasting his own network. Hopefully, a little self-deprecating humor will cover all those shitty programming mistakes nicely.

“Remember those shows that we were so excited about last fall? We cancelled all of them. And yet here you are again. I think you might have a gambling problem.”

“You [advertisers] come here and we shower you with promises and never really follow through on any of them. If this was a show, we’d call it ‘The Bachelor.’ We tell you we love you; we give you a rose; we canoodle with you in a hot tub and then two and a half months down the line, you realize we’re gay.”

“We’re excited about all of our shows. Except ‘Shark Tank’. We have no idea how that got back on the schedule. You know what someone should invent on ‘Shark Tank’? A replacement for ‘Shark Tank’.”

Now onto the other networks…

“I have to say, I think ['The X-Factor'] is the best idea of 2002. It’s like ‘American Idol‘ meets a mirror.”

“NBC thanked God for ‘The Voice’… God has nothing to do with what’s going on at NBC. God stopped watching NBC after ‘Friends’. And God isn’t in the demo anyway.”

“CBS announced a plan to move forward and retool the show, and sure enough they found another tool, Ashton Kutcher. He happens to be a pretty solid choice. He’s popular, he’s handsome, he’s talented and he has experience. Remember, he did a very good job replacing Bruce Willis.”

And there you go. The message is: we suck, but they suck too. So… give us your money? (Hollywood Reporter)

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ABC Now Stands For All ‘Bout (Drama) Clips http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/clips-tv/abc-now-stands-for-all-bout-drama-clips/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/clips-tv/abc-now-stands-for-all-bout-drama-clips/#comments Tue, 17 May 2011 16:48:28 +0000 Joseph Gibson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=212449 They're so dramatic.

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Fall will be here in only a few short months, and the TV networks are buzzing in anticipation. Today, that includes ABC releasing short videos, called “clips,” from their new shows. And you can watch them here. You’re welcome.

Pan Am”

A 60s”Mad Men“-like drama about stewardesses starring Christina Ricci, who weirdly isn’t in this clip. Maybe she’s in the bathroom?

Once Upon A Time

Yeah, I dunno. But it doesn’t look good. Something about Snow White, I think.

“Revenge”

An updated version of The Count of Monte Cristo starring Madeline Stowe, Emily VanCamp, and other people who probably haven’t read it.

Charlie’s Angels

You know “Charlie’s Angels“? This is that.

The River

Some kind of supernatural horror thing. Not based on the Jean Renoir film of the same name.

“Scandal”

A show about publicists starring Shonda Rhimes.

Well, there you have it. In case these clips have piqued your imagination, here’s the fall schedule for dramas. You’re welcome again.

MONDAY:

8:00 p.m. “Dancing with the Stars”

10:00 p.m. “Castle”

TUESDAY:

8:00 p.m. “Last Man Standing” [New Show]

8:30 p.m. “Man Up” [New Show]

9:00 p.m. “Dancing with the Stars the Results Show”

10:00 p.m. “Body of Proof”

WEDNESDAY:

8:00 p.m. “The Middle”

8:30 p.m. “Suburgatory” [New Show]

9:00 p.m. “Modern Family”

9:30 p.m. “Happy Endings”

10:00 p.m. “Revenge” [New Show]

THURSDAY:

8:00 p.m. “Charlie’s Angels” [New Show]

9:00 p.m. “Grey’s Anatomy”

10:00 p.m. “Private Practice”

FRIDAY:

8:00 p.m. “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”

9:00 p.m. “Shark Tank”

10:00 p.m. “20/20”

SATURDAY:

8:00 p.m. “Saturday Night College Football”

SUNDAY:

7:00 p.m. “America’s Funniest Home Videos”

8:00 p.m. “Once Upon a Time” [New Show]

9:00 p.m. “Desperate Housewives”

10:00 p.m. “Pan Am” [New Show]

(Vulture)

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