With relatively little fanfare, A Christmas Story has spawned a sequel, with Ralphie this time eying a car instead or an air rifle, which has the elements of a disturbing trend of materialism by the little imp.

Daniel Stern will be playing the “Old Man,” which is apt only because Stern is incredibly old. Further, every cast member looks as though they’re in a mugging contest, which may win over little kids (because they’re dumb little kids), but won’t resonate with all of us whose senses of humor and whimsy were depleted following Operation Desert Shield and Whitewatergate.

The production design also seems to go a long way towards recreating the halcyon look of the original, which, with today’s technologies, just looks weird and unnatural.

Just like the existence of this sequel.

Tiger Woods’ ex Elin Nordegren never has to worry about money again. Which is pretty obvious seeing as she decided to tear down her $12.3 million Palm Beach mansion in order to build a new mansion. A better mansion.

There’s a saying that no man should have no home while one man has two. Elin Nordegren has just wiped her bum with that phrase. Then she used a hundred dollar bill to light it on fire. Then she threw the whole thing on a briefcase full of cash. Though this should come as no surprise. People do crazy things with money all of the time. I’m just concerned what effect this will have on the hip hop community.

Below you’ll find the most outrageous purchases made in movies. Why? Cause we’re staying relevant, damn it!

Robot – Rocky IV

You know you’ve arrived when you can afford to own a robot… in the 1980′s. That’s exactly what Rocky Balboa did after becoming the boxing world champion. The robot was a present from Rocky to his brother-in-law Paulie who used it to fetch him beers and birthday cake. However, there’s a small camp that suspect Paulie of using the robotic butler for more lustful needs. He does at one point refer to it as “his girl.”

Mink Coats – Goodfellas

There’s only one rule after pulling off a huge score — don’t buy anything. What did I say? Don’t buy anything. DON’T BUY ANYTHING!! Robert De Niro‘s underlings ignored this memo in Goodfellas. After pulling off the Lufthansa Heist from JFK Airport, everyone is instructed to lay low. Don’t make any large purchases or receive any generous gifts. This instruction is made irrelevant by the immediate purchases of pink Coup De Villes and mink coats.

Read on to find out where the Parkers and the maladjusted neighborhood children be at now.

Ralphie

Peter Billingsley is best known for his on-camera work as Ralphie, the protagonist of A Christmas Story. However, he’s had an even more successful career behind the camera. After befriending Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau, he’s gone on to produce films like Made, The Break-Up, Iron Man, and Four Christmases. He also directed Couple’s Retreat. Somebody had to, I guess.

The Old Man

Darren McGavin steals the show as Ralphie’s stern, lamp-loving father. Sadly, he’s not with us anymore but he’s left behind an impressive resume with roles on The X-Files, some older crap, and most impressively, as Billy Madison’s dad. It takes a fine actor to stand there next to a guy in a giant penguin costume and pretend to not notice the giant penguin.

These 61 classic Christmas-movie gifs are sure to distract your family. They feature some of the best scenes from your favorite holiday films (and a few you probably hate), but unlike the source material, they never end, so there’s no excuse for talking to your family at a holiday function.

“Let’s talk when this gif is over, dad.”

Enjoy, and Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/Live Long and Prosper from your friends at ScreenJunkies.com. More Funny Pics.

Thanks to GifSoup.com and TheRailRat.com.

9. Puffer – There’s Something About Mary

This spastic little dog is about as obnoxious as his owner, Magda. Puffer has tricked Magda into thinking that he can judge the quality of a person within moments of just reading them, which is total crap. I bet Hitler himself could stroll into her joint with a pocketful of bacon and pass Puffer’s litmus test.

Also, Puffer bit Ben Stiller in the crotch and neck. Nowadays, I would say that merits a medal and parade, but this was before I was sick of Ben Stiller, so I condemn Puffer to death.

8. Chloe – Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Don’t feel like I need to state much of a case here. Chihuahuas are annoying. Beverly Hills Chihuahuas are unspeakably annoying (I would assume). This dog vacations in Mexico. I don’t even vacation in Mexico. What crap! To give you an idea of what we’re dealing with, the Chihuahua is voiced by Drew Barrymore, so that’s another strike against Chloe. She has a diamond collar, too.

Dogs shouldn’t have nicer things than I do. That’s so unfair.

7. The Bumpus’ Dogs – A Christmas Story

They ate The Old Man’s turkey. If you knew how big of a turkey junkie the old man was, you’d have no trouble doling out the death penalty to these pups. Neither the dogs, nor the Bumpus’ themselves show any regard for personal space and property. It’s not their fault that their owners are trash, but these dogs are beyond help. They need to be put down.

9. Paulie’s Robot

This robot/servant from Rocky IV puts most other robots to shame. Paulie was able to change the voice of the robot from a man’s to a woman’s, leaving little doubt that this robot could be programmed to be a pleasure model. However, Paulie uses the robot not so much for sex or friendship, but to do things like get him beer and chips. Because if there’s one thing that Italian stereotypes in tank tops like to do, it’s sit in front of the TV in their favorite chair and drink beer and eat chips while their wife makes-a a spaghetti sauce that’s-a jussa riiiiight!.

8. Giant Piano

The giant Piano from Big wasn’t necessarily something that I would want to own, as it combines my two least favorite things in this world: artistic expression and exercise. But it was pretty neat to watch Robert Loggia dance and create music. I don’t think the store-bought version comes with Robert Loggia, but everyone has their price. I would just pounce on it all day and play that creepy sequence of notes from Eyes Wide Shut…with Robert Loggia.

7. Chucky (trained)

This Child’s Play toy/character is a bit of mixed bag, as it would be great to have a diminutive friend waddling around in his impish overalls, but it would also be great to not be stabbed with scissors in the neck. Give and take, people. If you DID procure a Chucky, and he DIDN’T stab you in the neck, you would be the cock of the walk at school. On high school. Or your office. Or at your Army camp in Fallujah. Seriously, there’s no one that’s not scared of this guy.

For every Christmas in recent memory, TBS has broadcast Bob Clark’s Christmas classic, A Christmas Story. While other holiday films have become an annual tradition as well, A Christmas Story has the unique distinction of being run for 24 hours, starting at 8PM EST on Christmas Eve. I usually end up watching the entire film in bits and pieces throughout the holiday. And while I love seeing Ralphie and his family, I couldn’t help but wonder if my feelings would hold up upon actually watching the entire 24-hour marathon. So last Sunday, I decided to put myself to the test and watch the film for 24-straight hours.

Did my admiration for A Christmas Story grow even stronger, or did the compounding monotony of each subsequent viewing slowly strain my will to live? See for yourself by reading the detailed notes of my 24-hours of A Christmas Story social experiment.

Minute 5: The warm glow of nostalgia has washed over me. The film makes me think of my childhood, but the time-frame makes me think of what Christmas was probably like for my parents and grandparents.

1 Hour and 33 Minutes: What a great movie. No wonder people are able to watch it over and over again. Merry Christmas, indeed.

3 Hours and 57 Minutes: LOL! “Fra-gee-lay!” That will never get old!

5 Hours and 23 Minutes: It’s “fragile,” you crotchety old imbecile! Say it right!

6 Hours and 37 Minutes: Gee, I wonder what Ralphie’s mom would look like topless?

6 Hours and 39 Minutes: Well, that answers that! Thank you, Google Image Search. Thank you, Mr. Skin. And thank you, Melinda Dillon, for those lovely “Banana Ups.”

7 Hours and 54 Minutes: God damn it, Ralphie! The decoded message is just going to be a god-damn advertisement. Don’t believe the hype!

9 Hours: Scut Farkus is such a piece of sh*t. What kind of name is that? I can’t stand that stupid hat. This movie should end with the Bumpuses’ dogs ripping him limb from limb.

9 Hours and 2 Minutes: Holy crap! Scut Farkus was in Transformers? And “Deadwood?” And a Uwe Boll movie?

11 Hours: I wonder if Asians hate the “Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra” scene? I bet they do, but they know better than to bitch about A Christmas Story. I wonder if Panda Express delivers?

13 Hours and 44 Minutes: Soap poisoning? That doesn’t even make sense! Screw you, you four-eyed little freak.

14 Hours and 29 Minutes: Just cut his goddamn tongue off, or leave him to die. It’s called natural selection, people! We’re deluding the gene pool!

15 Hours and 7 Minutes: This is the worst god damn movie in the world. I hate it. I hate Christmas. What I wouldn’t give to watch Fiddler on the Roof right now.

16 Hours and 2 Minutes: The guy who directed this awful thing was killed by a drunk-driving illegal immigrant. Looks like I’m now in favor of amnesty and and against MADD!

18 Hours: Fun fact! Although it was filmed in Cleveland, A Christmas Story takes place in Hammond, Indiana, the boyhood home of author Jean Shepherd. However, the actual home where Shepherd grew up was demolished to make way for The Industrial Strip, Chicagoland’s ultimate adult entertainment venue.

20 Hours and 10 Minutes: God damn you, Randy. God damn you straight to hell, you little mother fudger.

21 Hours and 33 Minutes:I am the angel of death. The hour of purification is near.

22 Hours and 2 Minutes – Jesus Christ… Did my furnace just growl at me? Where’s my gun? MOM, DID YOU TOUCH MY GUN? Oh right, you died in 2004. Sorry.

23 Hours and 15 Minutes: I’m afraid. I’m afraid, Ralphie. Ralphie, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I’m a… fraid.

23 Hours and 37 Minutes – Would you like more Slim Jims, Santa Claus? Fine, suit yourself. More for me. Idiot.

24 Hours: Santa, don’t turn that off! There’s only twenty minutes left! What’s with the straight jacket? Where are you taking me? Call off your elves, you fat son of a bitch! Mom, help! Help!