After Gervais slammed Tim Allen before his entrance, Apatow tweeted, “The Santa Clause was better than The Invention of Lying.” Defensive much? Later on, Apatow tweeted, “Ricky Gervais should do an episode of ‘extras’ where he hosts ‘the golden globes‘ and is out of tune. Cut to female friend looking disappointed.” Then he asked his followers to write kinder, less cruel jokes for his hosting gig at the “Producers Guild Awards,” and the winning entries will be read on stage. Here are a few highlights:

@totallymorgan The PGA Awards are so cheap even the host had to crowd-source material.

@alecowen It’s not hard to be funny and not vicious. For example, fuck you.

@isaac_arquieta Were you all REALLY expecting @JuddApatow to pick funny jokes?? Hasn’t done it in over 5 movies, Why would he start now?

From what I’m hearing, most regular folks seemed to enjoy Gervias’ performance and some tweeted Apatow back statements like, “@JuddApatow seems surprisingly bitter.” Later, Apatow revealed he was tweeting at 2 am. I’ll chalk this up to another case of “sleep before you tweet.” (Collider)

Ricky Gervais tries to put the rumors to rest by saying, “everyone took it well and the atmosphere backstage and at the after show was great.” So everything was hunky-dory, even after the gasp-inducing joke about Scientologists? (Gasp! Nobody’s made fun of Tom Cruise for being secretly gay before!) Apparently, the disappearance was just weird scheduling:

“There just happened to be a long gap. This is because I was allowed to choose who I would introduce in advance. I obviously chose presenters who I had the best jokes for. (And who I knew had a good sense of humor).”

That’s very different from what Gervais said after the show: “I probably won’t be here next year.” Or Robert Downey Jr.’s on-stage retort about his hosting style as being, “hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister undertones.” Or more tellingly, what Hollywood Foreign Press Association President Philip Berk grunted out: “Some of the things he said were totally unacceptable.” Hmm… These quotes don’t tell the same story. Perhaps the man who ‘invented’ lying is also really, really bad at it. (Hollywood Reporter)

After Ricky Gervais’ hilarious but controversial performance at last night’s Golden Globes, there’s very little chance we’ll see him hosting next year. The comedian told USA Today that at last year’s ceremony, he was asked to return even before the broadcast had finished. This year, he received no such offer.

“So I probably won’t be here next year,” Gervais said, before adding that if he were invited back, “[he’d] go (expletive) mental.”

But without Gervais, what the hell is the point of watching? His shock value is the show’s only redeeming quality. If I feel like watching a bunch of movie stars kissing each other’s asses, I can just wait for the Oscars. I (reluctantly) watch he Golden Globes because a celebrity or two might get put in their place.

If the Golden Globes have any hope of staying relevant, they’d better find a host who can fill Ricky’s shoes. Here’s a list of 9 possible replacements.

Norm MacDonald
The nice thing about Norm MacDonald is he already has experience hosting an awards show. And unlike Gervais, Norm isn’t afraid to make a joke or two about double homicide or statutory rape.

Lisa Lampanelli
Insult comic Lisa Lampanelli hosted this year’s AVN Awards (a.k.a. the porn Oscars), which means she already has experience playing MC to a bunch of whores. That’s a skill which will come in handy at the Golden Globes.

Kathy Griffin
I’m not big fan of Kathy Griffin, but she’s not afraid to make a dick sucking joke on live TV, and that goes a long way in my book.

Don Rickles
Don Rickles has got to be pushing 90. Why not give the old guy an insult filled send off as the host of the Golden Globes. If he goes too far, he can always blame it on the Alzheimer’s.

Jeffrey Ross
This year, Ricky Gervais was prevented from wearing a Nazi uniform during his opening monologue. Given Jeffery Ross’ penchant for holocaust jokes, I’m sure he’d be a fine replacement.

Tracy Morgan
They serve alcohol at the Golden Globes, which means Tracy Morgan should do just fine as host. Besides, his insults might go unnoticed, because half the time, no one can understand what the hell he’s saying.

Louis C.K.
When it comes to putting pretentious people in their place, Louis C.K. doesn’t pull any punches. And there’s probably not a more pretentious gathering than the Golden Globes (aside from the Oscars).

Gilbert Gottfried
If Robert Downy Jr. has a problem with this year’s host making fun of him, perhaps he’ll be happier with Gilbert Gottfried. He makes Ricky Gervais look like Billy f**king Crystal.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
He’s witty, he’s crass, but above all, he’s not afraid to poop on a celebrity or two. That makes Triumph the Insult Comic Dog the perfect host for the Golden Globes. He’ll treat that room full of phonies like the bitches they are.

You watched it or you didn’t watch it. Doesn’t matter much either way. The comforting news is The Tourist didn’t go home with anything, even though foreigners have a creepy love affair with Johnny Depp.

The Social Network won the night, taking home Globes for Best Director, Best Score, Best Screenplay, and Best Picture – Drama. I concur, Hollywood Foreign Press. Just know Social Network gang, if you win at The Academy Awards, stop praising David Fincher. The camera always goes to him and the guy doesn’t like the attention. It was clear from his speech he is self-conscious about his hair. Don’t you worry about it, David. Trent Reznor has more than enough to go around.

Here is the complete list of winners:

BEST PICTURE, DRAMA
The Social Network

BEST PICTURE, COMEDY OR MUSICAL
The Kids Are All Right

ACTOR, DRAMA
Colin Firth – The King’s Speech

ACTRESS, DRAMA
Natalie Portman – The Black Swan

ACTRESS, COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Annette Bening – The Kids Are All Right

ACTOR, COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Paul Giamatti – Barney’s Version

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
Toy Story 3

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
In A Better World (Denmark)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE
Melissa Leo The Fighter

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE
Christian Bale – The Fighter

BEST DIRECTOR, MOTION PICTURE
David Fincher – The Social Network

BEST SCREENPLAY, MOTION PICTURE
Aaron Sorkin – The Social Network

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE, MOTION PICTURE
Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross – The Social Network

BEST ORIGINAL SONG, MOTION PICTURE
“You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me” Burlesque

TELEVISION

DRAMA
Boardwalk Empire

COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Glee

ACTRESS, DRAMA
Katey Sagal Sons Of Anarchy

ACTOR, DRAMA
Steve Buscemi – Boardwalk Empire

ACTRESS, COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Laura Linney – The Big C

ACTOR, COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Jim Parsons The Big Bang Theory

BEST MINISERIES OR MOTION PICTURE
Carlos

ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE
Claire Danes – Temple Grandin

ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE
Al Pacino – You Don’t Know Jack

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE
Jane Lynch – Glee

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE
Chris Colfer – Glee

The Golden Globes are a joke, and everyone knows it. A lot of people like to get worked up about this fact. I used to be one of those people. But now, thanks in part to Wellbutrin, I no longer care, and I accept the show for what it truly is: masturbation.

But you know what? Masturbation can be fun, and the Golden Globes are no exception. Throughout the years, they have made for some pretty entertaining moments, which is probably due, in no small part, to the fact that the attendees are allowed to drink. So rather than bitching and moaning about how the whole thing is pointless (as compared to what, life?), lets just sit back and enjoy these nine ‘WTF’ moments from Golden Globes past.

Scarlett Johansson Groped
Back in 2006, Isaac Mizrahi had the pleasure of interviewing Scarlett Johansson as she walked the red carpet. Mizahi, who is openly gay, took the liberty of groping her left breast as he complimented her dress. If I touched Johansson’s tits, they’d lock me away. But just because this guy loves boners he can fondle her with impunity. What a crock of sh*t! Johansson later said the incident was in bad taste. I’m assuming she was talking about the award show in general, not just the boob grab.

You know, thirty years ago, people would have hated Isaac Mizrahi for being openly gay. Today, people only hate him because he works for E! That’s what I call progress.

Christine Lahti Is Too Busy Taking a Dump
In 1998, Christine Lahti was honored with a Golden Globe Award for her work on the medical drama, “Chicago Hope,” which is better known as the ugly cousin of “ER.” But when it came time to accept the statue, she was no where to be found. As it turns out, she was in the bathroom dropping a deuce (that means pooping), which is a fitting metaphor for the Golden Globes. But at least the gaffe allowed the irrepressible Robin Williams to make an inbreeding joke at the expense of the South. He was between that and a joke about Asians, but ultimate went with the Southern joke, probably cause Asians know kung-fu and shit. Am I right? Am I right? Stereotyping is fun!

Ving Rhames Gives Away His Award
It’s rare to see a genuine heartfelt moment at an awards show, especially a show as contrived as the Golden Globes. But in 1998, Ving Rhames was overcome with emotion after winning an award for his performance in the HBO movie, Don King: Only In America. Rhames thanked his fellow nominees, and singled out actor Jack Lemmon in particular. After calling Lemmon to the stage, Rhames insisted he take the award instead, and after much coaxing, Lemmon obliged. It was a memorable moment, sullied only by the fact that the award is meaningless.

The Rat Pack Storms the Stage
In 1958, Frank Sinatra and company were at the Golden Globe awards, drinking heavily. Apparently, they weren’t to thrilled with whoever was hosting the event. Maybe it was the alcohol, or the fact that Frank Sinatra was allowed to do whatever the hell he wanted, but the group decided to storm the stage and act as MCs for the rest of the show. It went over so well, that the group was asked to return the following year, or at least that’s what Moviefone tells me. Sorry there’s no clip, but the Golden Globes weren’t televised until 1964.

Tom Arnold Acts Like a Coked Up Asshole
In this classic clip from the 1996 show, Tom Arnold made a complete ass of himself while trying to mock his ex-wife, comedian Rosanne (I’m not sure if she has a last name at this point). The actor’s first joke to actress Teri Hatcher (want to be in a movie?) came off as creepy, and the rest of his act went over about as well as a Jew joke at an AIPAC convention. Watch for yourself, if you have the stomach. It’s amazing that Ricky Gervais can pull off this type of humor.

Isaiah Washington Drops the F-Bomb (No, The Other F-Bomb)
When being questioned about behind-the-scenes tension on the set of “Grey’s Anatomy,” actor Isaiah Washington decided to set the record straight once and for all, and inject a little levity into the situation at the same time. Unfortunately, his use of the word “fag” went over about as well as a gay joke at Elton John‘s house. Wow, I’m on a real simile kick. At any rate, Washington was booted from the show shortly after. Blame it on the Gay Mafia.

Ricky Gervais Mocks Mel Gibson
At the time, Ricky Gervais’ joke about Mel Gibson’s drinking was hilarious. Just one year later, it seems even more profound. While I doubt Mel will be attending this year’s ceremony, I’m 100% certain Gervais will have something good in store for him. Blow jobs, domestic violence, racial slurs; the possibilities are endless.

Bette Midler Talks About Her Breasts, Mimics Fellatio
Some guys think Bette Midler is sexy. We call them gay guys. I’m not saying she isn’t talented, but Bathhouse Betty has all the sex appeal of Kevin James, and smaller tits to boot. That’s what makes this clip from 1980 so disturbing.

Pia Zadora’s Husband Buys Her An Award
In what is widely considered the biggest WTF moment in Golden Globe history, Pia Zadora took home the “Newcomer-of-the-Year” award in 1981. While that might not seem like a big deal, the film she won for, Butterfly, had not yet been released, meaning she wasn’t even eligible for the award.

As it turns out, Zadora’s husband, multimillionaire Meshulam Riklis, had basically bought off the judges with expensive trips to Vegas and lavish meals at his home. Since then, the Golden Globes have had about as much credibility as the AVN awards. But in all fairness, the Golden Globes have bigger whores.

That's it. Play with it...nice and slow.

Everyone knows that the Golden Globes are a joke, so why not have some joke quotes to go with them? Here are ten truthful celebrity reactions we’d like to have seen.

While I’m honored to be nominated for best actress in a comedy, there’s nothing funny about a film with a $100 million budget taking in only $16.5 million in its opening weekend.
-Angelina Jolie, The Tourist

I’d like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for recognizing the importance of a film that allows hipsters to experience the plot of “How I Met Your Mother” without having to subject themselves to network TV.
-Ryan Gosling, Blue Valentine

Who thinks I’m Michael Cera now, bitch? Scott Pilgrim vs. my dick!
-Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network

I’m nominated for Alice too? Quit yankin’ my c*ck, buddy. Nobody would pay for that nomination.
-Johnny Depp, Alice in Wonderland

I’m honored, but I’m no hero. I’m just a guy who got Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis to go at it on film. Wait a minute…come to think of it I am a goddamn hero!
-Darren Aronofsky, Black Swan


I’d like to thank my talented writing staff. Without them, none of this would have ever been possible. Ha, just kidding!
-Frank Darabont, “The Walking Dead”


Who’d I have to sleep with to get a nomination? No, seriously. My agent told me I’d have to sleep with someone.
-Halle Berry, Frankie and Alice


Oh, good for meeeeeeee!
-Christian Bale, The Fighter

Don’t tell me not to fly, I’ve simply got to! If someone takes a spill it’s me and– (line “disconnected”)
-Chris Colfer, “Glee”

It’s an honor just to be nominated. We weren’t nominated? Screw this, let’s go score some coke. Yo drive. Cause I said so, you fat f#$%!
-Charlie Sheen, “Two and a Half Men“

We're all winners!

Nominations for the 68th annual Golden Globe Awards have been announced, and The King’s Speech leads the pack with seven nods. I guess it’s no surprise that a foreign film is cleaning up at a sham award show put on by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. If I gave a damn what foreigners thought, I’d talk to my friggen maid. She has a degree in Foreign Affairs from USC, and she really keeps up on current events.

Anyway, here’s the full list of nominations. (Deadline)

1. BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
a BLACK SWAN
Protozoa Pictures & Cross Creek Pictures & Phoenix; Fox Searchlight Pictures
b THE FIGHTER
Paramount Pictures and Relativity Media; Paramount Pictures and Relativity Media
c. INCEPTION
Warner Bros. Pictures UK LTD.; Warner Bros. Pictures
d. THE KING’S SPEECH
See-Saw Films and Bedlam Productions; The Weinstein Company
e. THE SOCIAL NETWORK
Columbia Pictures; Sony Pictures Releasing

2. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
a. HALLE BERRY, FRANKIE AND ALICE
b. NICOLE KIDMAN, RABBIT HOLE
c. JENNIFER LAWRENCE, WINTER’S BONE
d. NATALIE PORTMAN, BLACK SWAN
e. MICHELLE WILLIAMS BLUE VALENTINE

3. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
a. JESSE EISENBERG, THE SOCIAL NETWORK
b. COLIN FIRTH, THE KING’S SPEECH
c. JAMES FRANCO, 127 HOURS
d. RYAN GOSLING, BLUE VALENTINE
e. MARK WAHLBERG, THE FIGHTER

4. BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
a. ALICE IN WONDERLAND
Walt Disney Pictures; Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
b. BURLESQUE
Screen Gems; Sony Pictures Releasing
c. THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
Antidote Films, Mandalay Vision, Gilbert Films; Focus Features
d. RED
di Bonaventura Pictures; Summit Entertainment
e THE TOURIST
GK Films; Sony Pictures Releasing

5. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
a. ANNETTE BENING, THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
b. ANNE HATHAWAY, LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS
c. ANGELINA JOLIE, THE TOURIST
d. JULIANNE MOORE, THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
e. EMMA STONE EASY A

6. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
a. JOHNNY DEPP ALICE IN WONDERLAND
b. JOHNNY DEPP THE TOURIST
c PAUL GIAMATTI BARNEY’S VERSION
d. JAKE GYLLENHAAL LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS
e. KEVIN SPACE CASINO JACK

7. BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
a. DESPICABLE ME
Universal Pictures, Illumination Entertainment; Universal Pictures
b. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
DreamWorks Animation; Paramount Pictures
c. THE ILLUSIONIST
Django Films, Ciné B and France 3 Cinéma; Sony Pictures Classics
d. TANGLED
Walt Disney Animation Studios; Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
e. TOY STORY 3
Disney * Pixar; Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

8. BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
a BIUTIFUL (MEXICO/SPAIN)
Menageatroz, Focus Features International; Roadside Attractions
b. THE CONCERT (FRANCE)
An Oï Oï Oï Productions, Les Productions Du Tresor, France 3 Cinema, Europacorp, Castel Films, Panache Productions, RTBF (Belgian Television), BIM Distrubuzione Co., Canal +, Cinecinema and France 3; The Weinstein Company
c. THE EDGE (RUSSIA)
(Kpaй)
Teleshow/Rock Films; Central Partnership (Russia)
d I AM LOVE (ITALY)
(LO SONO L’AMORE)
First Sun; Magnolia Pictures
e. IN A BETTER WORLD (DENMARK)
(Hævnen)
Zentropa Entertainment; Sony Pictures Classics

9. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
a. AMY ADAMS THE FIGHTER
b. HELENA BONHAM CARTER THE KING’S SPEECH
c. MILA KUNIS BLACK SWAN
d. MELISSA LEO THE FIGHTER
e. JACKI WEAVER ANIMAL KINGDOM

10. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
a. CHRISTIAN BALE THE FIGHTER
b. MICHAEL DOUGLAS WALL STREET: MONEY NEVER
SLEEPS
c. ANDREW GARFIELD THE SOCIAL NETWORK
d. JEREMY RENNER THE TOWN
e. GEOFFREY RUSH THE KING’S SPEECH

11. BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE
a. DARREN ARONOFSKY BLACK SWAN
b. DAVID FINCHER THE SOCIAL NETWORK
c. TOM HOOPER THE KING’S SPEECH
d. CHRISTOPHER NOLAN INCEPTION
e. DAVID O. RUSSELL THE FIGHTER

12. BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE
a. DANNY BOYLE, 127 HOURS
SIMON BEAUFOY
b. LISA CHOLODENKO, THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
STUART BLUMBERG
c. CHRISTOPHER NOLAN INCEPTION
d. DAVID SEIDLER THE KING’S SPEECH
e. AARON SORKIN THE SOCIAL NETWORK

13. BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – MOTION PICTURE
a. ALEXANDRE DESPLAT THE KING’S SPEECH
b. DANNY ELFMAN ALICE IN WONDERLAND
c. A.R. RAHMAN 127 HOURS
d. TRENT REZNOR, THE SOCIAL NETWORK
ATTICUS ROSS
e. HANS ZIMMER INCEPTION

14. BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE
a. “BOUND TO YOU” — BURLESQUE
Music by: Samuel Dixon
Lyrics by: Christina Aguilera, Sia Furler
b. “COMING HOME”