Screen Junkies » 50 shades of grey http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Wed, 26 Nov 2014 19:27:26 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 ’50 Shades Of Grey’ Will Offer No Male Nudity, So Let’s All Find Something Else To Watch http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/50-shades-of-grey-will-offer-no-male-nudity-so-lets-all-find-something-else-to-watch/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/50-shades-of-grey-will-offer-no-male-nudity-so-lets-all-find-something-else-to-watch/#comments Mon, 03 Nov 2014 22:18:20 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=266925 No dongs, but perhaps butts.

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We know our audience here at Screen Junkies. And because we know that our readership lives and dies for male full-frontal nudity in poorly-written romance adaptations, we must share that there will be no dong in Fifty Shades of Grey. There will be no male full frontal nudity in the rated-R film.

Jamie Dornan, the actor who will be portraying the filthy, erotic billionaire that we want so badly to see nude, has said to The Guardian that he signed a clause not to show his “todger.” I don’t know that word, but in the context, I’m pretty sure it’s a synonym for “dick.”

No word on what this means for female nudity, but you’re already on the internet so why don’t you just go get yourself some male or female nudity right now, and then you’ll forget all about this unpleasantness.

For those of us don’t require a bare penis in a film to see it, 50 Shades of Grey opens February 13th.

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Old People React To The ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ Trailer http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/old-people-react-to-the-fifty-shades-of-grey-trailer/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/old-people-react-to-the-fifty-shades-of-grey-trailer/#comments Fri, 12 Sep 2014 20:29:43 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=265033 "I'm not into movies that are all about the 'S' word."

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Total oldsters were forced to watch the trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey and give their honest reactions. What begins with pearl-clutching, ends with grandmas and grandpas talking about fellatio, dungeons, and ripping panties off. Who’d have thought that Gam-Gam liked it freaky-deaky?

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’50 Shades Of Grey’ Release Pushed Back…Hard http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/50-shades-of-grey-release-pushed-back-hard/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/50-shades-of-grey-release-pushed-back-hard/#comments Thu, 14 Nov 2013 17:14:43 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=257993 They can keep delaying, but at some point, it's going to come.

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While the world had just shaved its legs upon news of an August ’14 release for the sort-of-but-not-really anticipated 50 Shades of Grey, upon news that the release date had been delayed, the world then changed into sweatpants and ate three Lean Cuisines, promising itself it would go to the gym every day for the rest of the week.

The casting shakeup (I guess) that saw Charlie Hunnam leave and Jamie Dornan step in as Christian Grey is a factor in the release date move, which is now Valentine’s Day 2015, as though everyone with a girlfriend wasn’t already getting laid on Valentine’s Day, now they have to do it with anal beads and safe words after eating a meal that no one could afford.

Thanks a lot, 50 SHADES OF GREY!

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You’ve Never Heard Of The New Recruit To Play Christian Grey http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/youve-never-heard-of-the-new-recruit-to-play-christian-grey/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/youve-never-heard-of-the-new-recruit-to-play-christian-grey/#comments Thu, 24 Oct 2013 16:56:24 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=257694 Well, maybe if you're James Dornan, or his mom or agent, you've heard of him.

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After Charlie Hunnam dropped out due to 50 Shades of Grey being a terrible project that will destroy his career, it was once again time to find the film’s Christian Grey. This time, a guy with far less career to lose has been put at the front of the pack, and the rumors are that he is the guy. His name is James Dornan, and unless you’re upon ABC’s Once Upon a Time, or own Sofia Coppola‘s Marie Antoinette on Blu-Ray, you’re probably unaware he exists.

But he does exist. And he’s going to exist now more than ever as he gets anal beads crammed inside him on a 40-foot screen. I smell Oscar! Or lube.

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’50 Shades Of Grey’ Author To Now Offend Our Sense Of Taste Using Wine Instead Of Words http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/50-shades-of-grey-author-to-now-offend-our-sense-of-taste-using-wine-instead-of-words/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/50-shades-of-grey-author-to-now-offend-our-sense-of-taste-using-wine-instead-of-words/#comments Tue, 24 Sep 2013 15:36:10 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=257180 I'll stick with the smoothies made in my 'Eyes Wide Shut' blender, thank you.

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The same type of rube that thinks 50 Shades of Grey passes for decent erotica will almost certainly think anything in a bottle with a sophisticated label is a good wine. Knowing far more about brand extension than she does about sentence construction, and certainly winemaking, author E.L. James will nonetheless now be dishing out reds and whites.

All the more frustrating, even to those with a passing knowledge of wines, is that the two wines are called simply, “Red Satin” and “White Silk,” which means that they’re probably just made in prisons across the US and use food coloring for consistent color.

But, they probably make the prospect of your bored wife shoving some anal beads inside you a little more palatable, so hey, synergy.

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Here’s What Went Down At Comic-Con 2012: A Wrap-Up http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/heres-what-went-down-at-comic-con-2012-a-wrap-up/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/heres-what-went-down-at-comic-con-2012-a-wrap-up/#comments Mon, 16 Jul 2012 19:35:34 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=249800 You can sort through hundreds of articles, or you can read this piece in about four minutes to figure out what happened this year.

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Comic-Con 2012 has come and gone, leaving movie and television fans with a lot of answers, almost as many questions, and convention goers with the lingering question of what the hell they’re going to do with a zombie Stormtrooper costume for the next 360 days.

Comic-Con has long existed to serve niche interests in entertainment and comics, but over the years, the “niche” has grown to include more and more topics of interest to general entertainment fans. Consequently, the comings and goings of Comic-Con fall into two camps: stuff movie fans might care about and stuff only nerds will care about.

Here at Screen Junkies, we hate nerds. We absolutely despise them. They are weak and have difficulty with women, which presents them from passing on their genes to future generations. Totally lame.

However, we do enjoy the former camp, the movie fans that click on our articles and patronize our advertisers, so this rundown of Comic-Con exists to serve them.

If you’re a nerd, stop reading. This isn’t for you.

Fans Camping Out for The Walking Dead, Twilight, and Game of Thrones Panels

While lots of panels can fill their venues, it was this triumverate that managed to garner enough interest to not only fill the vaunted “Hall H,” but get people to camp out overnight to guarantee access. Twilight is the biggest story here, not only because the cast and crew have made Comic-Con a regular stop for a half-dozen or so years, but also because a fan camped out in line was tragically hit by a car and killed after being camped out in line for days.

The 50 Shades of Grey Author Also Got Overnight Lines

One story that would best be left unreported would be the appearance of 50 Shades of Grey author E L James, who turned an entire generation of women on to the existence of butt plugs. James conducted a signing that also had fans camping out overnight. However, I didn’t include it in the above list of panels that fans camped out for because I find 50 Shades of Grey to be exceptionally dumb to the point that it deserves its own section.

Yes, I find it dumber than Twlight. Somehow.

The Hobbit Will Be Two Films, Not Three

We covered this earlier. See here for the whole story.

Oz: The Great and Powerful Trailer

It’s been a while since we got inundated with James Franco entertainment news stories every fourteen seconds. On behalf of entertainment journalists everywhere:

Welcome back, old friend.

The Big Bang Theory Will Send a Fan to Space

At the show’s Hall H panel on Friday, the show announced that it would be sending one “lucky” fan into space about the Lynx RLV rocket.

From the coverage, it seemed as though this parallels a plotline in the show, but I don’t watch The Big Bang Theory, so all I can do is guess. Or do about thirty seconds of research. Nah. I’ll guess.

The announcement allowed the Warner Bros. PR team to drop fun little pull quotes like, “I guess you can say we are over the moon that we were able to give away a trip to space to a Big Bang Theory fan.”

Cute, guys. Real cute.

The Newly-Announced Godzilla Remake Will Be “Realistic”

You know that insufferable friend that always picks out the logical inconsistencies in films that shouldn’t be presumed to have any logical consistency in the first place? Well, he or she will be delighted to know that there’s a Godzilla movie in the works from helmer Gareth Edwards.

I guess this realistic take on Godzilla will only be somewhat realistic, as it will still feature a giant mutant lizard destroying cities.

That’s pretty realistic, I guess.

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’50 Shades Of Grey’ Film Gets Producers, Will Soon Be A Part Of Our Lives http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/50-shades-of-grey-film-gets-producers-will-soon-be-a-part-of-our-lives/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/50-shades-of-grey-film-gets-producers-will-soon-be-a-part-of-our-lives/#comments Tue, 10 Jul 2012 15:17:12 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=249641 Oh man! I'm really excited about this project because I'm completely unaware of the existence of pornography!

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After selling 20 million copies and convincing housewives and receptionists the nation over that spanking is soooooooo sexy, 50 Shades of Grey is now getting the film treatment, unsurprisingly, as Universal puts some producers on point. Mike DeLuca and Dana Brunetti, who served the same role on David Fincher‘s The Social Network, will now be telling the story of Christian Grey, a billionaire who fucks a journalist. Why this is worthy of a book or film is beyond me. I’m guessing journalists get fucked all the time, but I wouldn’t know because I’m just a “blogger.”

Next steps for the project include finding a screenwriter and a director. No timeline has been expressly stated, but I would look to something in late 2013 at the absolute earliest. Plenty of names have been bandied about as possible directors, but they’re too stupid to mention here.

Okay. One.

Angelina Jolie.

I told you they were stupid.

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