Never mind. I don’t even care.

Well, as these seven films demonstrate, going undercover is definitely NOT easy, and as Murphy’s Law dictates, anything that can go wrong will. So enjoy these seven tales of deep cover operatives looking on haplessly as everything goes to hell.

Yay!

21 Jump Street

Any undercover operation that involves a severed penis does not end well. It’s almost like these police officers are incompetent! Why on earth would the police hire people who can’t do their job well? But it’s a pretty funny film, so let’s just forget about all the crappy things that happened to the characters in the movie and be happy for their “success,” ya know?

Reservoir Dogs

Undercover assignments do not get more f*cked up than this one did. When you find a cop tied to a chair, a man dancing to Stealer’s Wheel while cutting the cop’s ear off, and he’s about to light him on fire, it’s time to reevaluate the actions you took to find yourself in that very moment.

Granted, the cop getting the Van Gogh treatment wasn’t undercover, but it’s hard to say that anything in this film really went well for anyone. Here’s the big takeaway: Going undercover is a form of lying, and you should NEVER LIE.

It’s just that simple. Lying is crappy behavior, even to catch bad guys.

Kindergarten Cop

I guess technically this assignment went off without a hitch from the police department’s perspective, but I would say that it was less than spectacular for the parents of the kindergartners. For one thing, the guy wasn’t a teacher. I understand that it’s just kindergartners, but the fact is that these kids are entitled to an education, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is not a certified teacher. Certified badass? Maybe. But not a teacher.

There should have been a waiver that parents had to sign that said “I don’t mind if an undercover cop teaches my child for a few weeks so that he can find a criminal.”

Of course, though, on of those parents was the criminal, so that could have been a red flag.

Rush

Rule #1 of going undercover: Don’t get really, really addicted to cocaine. Ok. Maybe “don’t let your badge fall out of your pocket” is rule #1, but “don’t get addicted to cocaine” is pretty high up there on the list of rules. We’ve all seen movies where the protagonist has to kill a guy or snort something to prove that he’s “down.” Well, here’s the fall out. It could have gone either way though. Maybe Jason Patric’s character could have dealt with cocaine in moderation and just become a really run party guy that occasionally did some blow. That didn’t happen though.

The Departed

SPOILER ALERTS:

When pretty much everyone dies at the end, it’s hard to deem your operation a success. Granted, Mark Wahlberg’s character lived, but I don’t think anyone really liked him that much anyway. They did manage to take down Costello, but that was actually the work of a double agent, one of his very own men.

I could spend two paragraphs or so explaining what went down and when, but when you’ve got two moles on different sides chasing each other down to steal a glance at the other person, something has gone wrong. Further, when the psychological toll on the state police operative is so heavy that he’s driven to pills and sleeping with his shrink, maybe it’s time to rethink the corporate culture of the Massachusetts state police.

And finally, police captain’s really shouldn’t get tossed out of windows.

Point Break

Sure, it worked out in the end, but when your FBI agent has to jump out of a plane without a parachute to catch a the ring leader of a bank robbing team, something has probably gone horribly wrong.

On the plus side, this operation allowed operative Johnny Utah to become a pretty good surfer (awesome!) and fall in love with Lori Petty (eh). But that doesn’t outweigh the fact that Utah made the rookie mistake of “getting in to deep,” and becoming not only friends, but weird surfer soul mates with Bodhi and company.

Perhaps if he’d infiltrated a gang of Rollerbladers, he wouldn’t have enjoyed the lifestyle quite so much.

The Bourne Franchise

Damn you Treadstone! If you can’t trust a secret government agency, who can you trust? After seeing all three films, I still have next to know idea of what the original mission was, but considering most everyone got killed and Jason Bourne is leaving and never coming back, I doubt that the U.S. government will chalk this up as a “W.”

They lost a good man in Clive Owen, too!

Silly haircuts? Check. Drug humor? Check. John Woo-style gun ballet? Check. Give the trailer a watch. I’m really looking forward to seeing more. The only part that made me sad was when Ice Cube acknowledged Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and the Twittersphere. Hopefully at some point in the movie he’ll wield an AK.

Jason Clarke has closed on one of the remaining key roles in Baz Luhrmann‘s The Great Gatsby, signing on to play George Wilson, a cuckold husband with several big scenes. Clarke has a whole or two in his schedule since the cancellation of his police drama “The Chicago Code.”

Notable TV actor (not a slam, I promise) Josh Stewart has signed on for an undisclosed role in The Dark Knight Rises. My sources tell me that it’s unlikely he will play the role of Bruce Wayne/Batman, but we will of course let you know as soon as possible should that be the case.

Ellie Kemper continues to parlay both”The Office” and Bridesmaids into more high-profile work, scoring a role in the currently-filming-in-New Orleans 21 Jump Street. She will play a sweet chemistry teacher who is also fooled by the identities of several of her students. Let’s all hope the sweet girl gets a happy ending and isn’t used as a human shield in a hostage situation or something.

Billie Joe Armstrong, lead singer and guitarist of Green Day, will be appearing in his band’s American Idiot film adaptation, playing the role of drug dealer St. Jimmy. He played the same role on Broadway last fall, then again when it closed, so this is old hat to him. His sneer will look even more punk in Imax.

Dakota Johnson, the hot girl who didn’t realize she slept with the Napster guy in The Social Network, has been cast in three movies:

- She’s currently filming Goats, which is directed by Christopher Neil and stars David Duchovny. It’s about a teen from Tuscon who leaves home to go to an East Coast prep school. Johnson will play: some character.

- From there, Johnson will act in Five Year Engagement, which is directed by Nicholas Stoller, produced by Judd Apatow and stars Jason Segel. It’s about a newlywed couple who go through ups and downs. Johnson will play: one of the characters in the movie.

- Finally, Johnson will join the cast of 21 Jump Street, which is directed by Phil Lord and Chris Miller and stars Jonah Hill. It’s about young-looking cops who go undercover as teens, in a remake of the 80s TV drama. Johnson will play: a girl rock star who gets recruited by Secret NASA to fight aliens. Okay, ya got me. She’s playing some other kind of character entirely. (Variety)

Johnny Depp got his start on the Fox series in the 1980′s before trading it all in for pirate roles and French acid. Speculation was that he would appear in Jonah Hill‘s film in some role but it was alway up in the air whether the star would find a way to fit it into his schedule. Now it’s official.

There are no details on just what his cameo will entail, but I assume it features Depp alone at a stop light when Peter DeLuise approaches asking for a hand-out. Depp then carefully locks his door and just stares forward. Turn green, damn you! Turn!! (Coming Soon)

Five Year Engagement – Kevin Hart, David Paymer, and Jacki Weaver are all joining the cast of the Nicholas Stoller comedy. The movie stars Jason Segal and Emily Blunt as they go to the chapel. Very slowly. (Deadline/Variety/Deadline)

The Hunger Games – Another day, another person nobody has ever heard of joins the cast. This time it’s Willow Shields. Tomorrow it could be Jake Johnson. (Variety)

21 Jump Street – Jeez, Jonah Hill. Why don’t you and Jake Johnson get a room? The Get Him To The Greek actor is re-teaming with Hill for 21 Jump Street, as well as Hill’s animated pilot “Allen Gregory.” Personally, I’ve never heard of him. (Variety)

Hemlock Drive – Rosanna Arquette is trying her hand at film directing, and Susan Sarandon, David Arquette, and Adam Brody are in talks to appear in the film. You may now go back to whatever you were doing before you heard that news. (Variety)

But seriously, one role, Dave? Pfft. Is that the best you can do? And you’re not even directing yourself. You’d better be hard at work on some kind of avant garde art installation or something. And don’t say ‘Looking a little bit like James Franco‘, because that’s a cop-out. (Deadline)

Riggle joins 21 Jump Street, what’s sure to be a faithfully dramatic movie version of the old Johnny Depp TV show, where undercover cops pose as teenagers in high school. He’ll play the main villain in a cast that includes Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum and Ice Cube. 21 Jump Street will be directed by the same guys who brought us Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs, Phil Lord and Chris Miller. So again, anticipate some Oscar-worthy drama here.

Columbia Pictures is distributing. (Variety)

Mr. Cube is in talks to be part of 21 Jump Street, based on the old Johnny Depp show that made him a dreamy teen idol, much to his emo-embarrassment. Directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller (Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs) want him to play the precinct captain, cast alongside Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum. I kinda wish they’d ask him to play one of the undercove high school officers, cause he’s 41 and that would be very, very ridiculous.

In addition, Ice Cube is shopping around a movie he wrote, and would like to direct / star in. Will he also run craft services on Chrome and Paint, a gritty drama about South LA’s custom car culture? Probably not, but it’d be funny if Ice Cube didn’t trust anyone else to make potato salad, so he made it himself. Who would stop him? Hell, I wouldn’t even mess with the family friendly Ice Cube. (Deadline)

“I promise you, it will be the most insane ride that you will ever go on,” Tatum said at the press junket for his latest film, The Eagle. “It’s the most ridiculous script I’ve ever read in my entire life.”

Then of course Hill always likes to improvise, so who knows what’ll be in the movie after they’re done. “We’re going to go crazy on this movie and I hope that I can just keep up with the kid,” Tatum said.

Everyone is still gunning for a Johnny Depp cameo, none more so than Tatum himself. Depp has said he’s willing, so it’s only a matter of scheduling him in between Pirates and Tim Burton movies. Tatum knows the scene Depp would appear in.

“If and when it does happen, it’ll be crazy, as true to form and as brilliant as he is. It’ll be true to form to him for sure. We have an idea but it’ll be a surprise, I’ll tell you that.”

Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs helmers Phil Lord and Chris Miller have lined up their post-21 Jump Street gig. In keeping with Hollywood’s recent obsession with all things musical, the duo will direct Bob The Musical after they finish planting drugs in Jonah Hill’s locker.

Bob The Musical tells the story of a man who hits his head and can hear the inner songs of people’s hearts. Thus, turning the world around him into a musical. The project has passed through many hands over the last five-plus years. Some good, some terrible, but I can’t agree more with Lord and Miller on board. This could be the best musical since South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut. Especially if there is a scene with Juggalos. PLEASE let there be a scene with Juggalos. (THR)

Jonah, you're staring.

Now that Emma Stone is a pretty big deal, she’s having to drop out of a few projects. She was originally attached to Jonah Hill’s 21 Jump Street, but Sony came calling with the Spider-Man offer and it was too sweet to refuse. Does the name Stephen J. Cannell carry no weight these days???

Though she can’t clear her schedule to appear in Jump Street, she does comment that Jonah Hill is one of her favorite people in the entire world. As for Spider-Man, they’re getting really close. With shooting slated to begin in two weeks, Emma just got her hair did for the role of Gwen Stacy. Sony also sent her and Andrew Garfield to science school to introduce the home-schooled Stone to the high school experience. Further proof that people as hot as Emma only exist in fictional high schools. (MTV)

Channing Tatum is steppin’ up 2 da 21 Jump Street. The actor is in talks to don Silly Bandz and return to high school to totally narco on the student body with Jonah Hill. Before you groan and throw your body to the supermarket floor in protest and force me to drag you out by your leg, just know that this could be a good thing. There’s a lot of ver funny people calling the shots on this film and Tatum sounds like a casting choice that could work. “Clone High” creators Phil Lord and Chris Miller (who also brought us Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs) are to be rooted behind the director’s monitor, Hill scripted, and Emma Stone is rumored to be a part of the project. And everyone likes Emma Stone. She’s like sugar to us.

The film itself is said to be a blend of comedy and Bad Boys-style action, based around the concept that these cops look too young to be effective as cops. I’m not saying that Channing Tatum is the perfect choice for this (I’d be more interested in seeing Chris Pine in the role), but we could do a lot worse. How? Zac Efron and Keenan Thompson. So count your blessings and get up off the floor. You’re embarrassing me and people are trying to get through with their carriages. (HitFix)

_{This is one of those "very special episodes."}

Rumors of a 21 Jump Street movie have been flying around the internet for over a year now, and we’re all looking for some concrete answers. All we know at the moment is Jonah Hill is starring, Phil Lord and Christopher Miller (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs) are directing, and it’s going to be a blend of action and comedy. But where does Johnny Depp fit in, you ask? Well Screen Junkies caught up with Jonah today at the press junket for Get Him to the Greek where we forced him through uncomfortable staring to answer this burning question and more:

How close is 21 Jump Street to going?

We’re going to shoot that in early next year, January/February.
 
Is the script done?

We just got a new draft we finished but we’re going to work on it right up until we go.

MORE ABOUT DEPP AFTER THE JUMP.

When Johnny Depp tells the press he’d love to do a cameo, do you take it seriously?

Hell yeah, we take it seriously. It’d be great if Johnny Depp wanted to do a cameo. We wrote him a really funny one so hopefully he does it.
 
Was it a show you loved?

I really like 21 Jump Street. Mostly when they asked me to turn it into a movie, the thing that I connected with the most was the idea of it. It sort of had a Back to the Future element in my head where it’s getting to relive you high school years again shortly after. I thought that was really interesting. It’s almost like a time travel movie in a way, or getting to go back and re-experience a very important, significant time in your life. It was more the idea of young looking cops infiltrating a high school than me being a massive fan of the show itself.
 
And with the authority and confidence an adult cop might have?

Well, I think the fun is that they sort of go back to high school and then immediately revert to the way they were in high school and sort of lose the swagger and confidence they’ve gained as guys in their mid-20s.

I’ve always loved the idea behind 21 Jump Street and think it’s the perfect project for adaptation. Hill has said in the past he wants it to be "a John Hughes movie with Bay Boys-style action." If they can get those two elements to mix, I’m all for it. The only thing missing in Sixteen Candles is a cocaine-fueled shootout at a techno club orgy.
 

^{"We stole these from J.J. Abrams."}

Jonah Hill’s 21 Jump Street is inching closer to "thing that may actually happen" status. There’s news that Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller are in talks to take the reins. The movie, of course, centers on young cops who go undercover in high schools to prevent teen crimes. No strangers to comedic teen angst, Lord and Miller are also the creators of Clone High, a clever animated series whose untimely cancellation is a crime worse than anything Randy Quaid‘s wife ever did. Negotiations are in the works but it seems likely the duo will get the gig. After all, Jonah Hill really loves Meatballs. (Variety)