That’s actually not true at all. We write about it because it’s the best comedy of the past million years, and stories about Arrested Development are largely more interesting than stories about anything else.

This one is no exception.

After months of rumors (that I apparently had never heard) that the new season of A.D. was going to be constructed in such a fashion that the episodes can be played in any order, it turns out that creator Mitch Hurwitz has taken to Twitter to deny that.

Oh well. As far as I’m concerned, the first three seasons can be watched in any order with a such a small drop-off of enjoyment that I’m pretty sure this next season will be the same thing.

Unless the season sucks.

OH NO!

Enough is enough. Famous people have two things we normals don’t: money and access.  By turning to crowdfunding, they’ve gamed the system, cashing in on their fame to make any project they want with no risk to their own bankroll, and owing no profits to their “investors” if its a success.

We need to send them a message that this is NOT OK, and with your help we can do just that…

We’ve put together a full-page advertisement telling everyone we “Don’t back Zach.” We’ll need $10,000 to run it in the local film & TV industry magazine, the Hollywood Reporter, and if we hit $200,00 we’ll go national in a magazine like Entertainment Weekly.  And if we get $5,000,000 we’ll carve it into the moon! All funds will be returned if we don’t hit our 10k goal!

Like Tim Burton and Wes Anderson, Baz Luhrmann is one of a handful of directors whose name evokes an instantly recognizable visual style. There’s something admirably self-assured about the Australian filmmaker’s ability to insert anything – dance competitions in Strict Ballroom, Shakespeare in Romeo + Juliet, ultra-generic opera plots in Moulin Rouge – in the Luhrmannizer, extruding a homogeneous, garish but fun product that exhausts as much as it exhilarates.

As you’ve probably already seen in the film’s trailer, The Great Gatsby brims full with the kind of optical overdose that Luhrmann has made his signature. The party scenes, which rival the ruffles-and-lace circus madness of Moulin Rouge, have glittery confetti and Disneyland fireworks sparkling above Jazz Age twerkers, swarms of women dressed like sea creatures, and a Williamsburg version of that creepy dancing man from the Six Flags commercials.

The construction and choreography of these set pieces are as sleek as ever, but the rest of the film is astonishingly visually inept. Much too often, Tobey Maguire’s voiceover tells us how the characters feel and how they develop instead of allowing us to see for ourselves. The resulting effect is to make the movie feel less like an adaptation than the next generation of books-on-tape, where we absorb the story aurally. But hey, it comes with some pretty if utterly redundant illustrations if you want to something to look at.

To be fair, Luhrmann is also faithful to F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel in a good way – in that the plot is lifted pretty much straight from the book. It’s the Roaring Twenties, and Nick Carraway (Maguire), a wide-eyed Midwesterner, moves to the Big Apple to become a bankster like all the other cool kids. His next-door neighbor, Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio), is a reclusive young millionaire who ropes him into arranging an accidentally-on-purpose reunion with Gatsby’s first love, Daisy (Carey Mulligan), who happens to be Nick’s cousin. Nick agrees, despite the fact that Daisy is already married to – and has a daughter with – patrician douchebag Tom (Joel Edgerton, Australia’s answer to Benedict Cumberbatch). The small cast of pretty young things also includes Tom’s working-class mistress (Isla Fisher) and girl-golfer Jordan (Elizabeth Debicki), the only character that resembles an actual person, despite existing only to introduce Nick to How Things Are Done in rich-person circles.

As intended by Fitzgerald, Gatsby is a stern fable about the moral hazards of wealth. But a studio film made by a bunch of millionaires and financed by a bunch of billionaires has pretty much no chance at remaining Occupy agitprop. So Luhrmann remade Gatsby for the multiplex as a saga of romantic martyrdom, rendered all the more glamorous and tragic by the opulence the source material condemned. DiCaprio is the perfect actor for this Gatsby, despite speaking in a bizarre accent somewhere between Katharine Hepburn and a fancy horse that’s so wispy it tends disappears by the end of a sentence. He has only a single substantial scene here, but his Gatsby has so many echoes from the Leomania days – his roles from Romeo + Juliet, Titanic, and Catch Me If You Can – that all DiCaprio has to do to summon estrogen devotion is to stand around in spiffy linen suits looking dapper. For her part, Mulligan adds her natural sweetness and kitten eyes to their thoroughly adequate pantomime of mutual adoration.

Unfortunately, the camera returns again and again to Maguire’s Nick, a garrulous nonentity. When the character’s narration doesn’t fast-forward through all the interesting action for you, Maguire’s proximity to DiCaprio distracts from the film’s fiction by reminding you of the BFF stars’ real-life adventures in poonhoundery as the senior partners of the Pussy Posse. Their sexploits would probably embarrass the novel’s Gatsby, but their Hollywood excess would make a great Baz Luhrmann movie.

See it now, See it later, or Run in the other direction? Run in the other direction, unless you need another fix of Jack and Rose.

It looks to be a huge scale for any director, so let’s hoep that del Toro’s smaller sensibilities allow him to toe the line here and create something that isn’t just a Roland Emmerich redux. Hiring Charlie as “disheveled scientist” may not exactly breed confidence there, but it’s Charlie, and we’ll take him when we can get him.

Deadline reports that Angus T. Jones, who previously talked mad sh*t about the sitcom, won’t be returning as a regular. Jones may appear as a recurring character around his college schedule but that deal has not been locked in yet.

Jones’ departure is not surprising. He had indicated his desire to go to college and originally planned to leave after last season until he had a change of heart at the last minute and signed on to return. But with his character Jake in the Army, Jones has appeared only sporadically on the show this season. And then there was the young actor’s ill-advised comments in a religious video testimonial, in which he called Two And A Half Men “filth,” which went viral in November. Jones later apologized and subsequently returned to work.

Now, back to the monkey paw theory. Both Ashton Kutcher and Jon Cryer will return to spew drivel for salaries of $700K per episode. There’s no way that they enjoy the work. Even if it had the best writing on television, eleven years is a prison sentence. Somebody needs to find the monkey paw Jon Cryer wished upon and destroy. For his sake and ours.

The film will be based on graphic novels of the beast which paint the MONSTER as endearingly human and vulnerable. So that’s where the similarities to Seth Rogen stop, apparently. Just kidding. JUST KIDDING. He’s likable in small-to-moderate doses.

Rogen will be teaming up with his writing partner Evan Goldberg and American Dad writer Matt McKenna, so…expect a comedy?

With the working title Cocoa Beach, the show was announced to the mayor of the Florida town, a man who probably isn’t normally so “in the loop” when it comes to breaking entertainment stories. Which is odd, because they still require a subscription to read their quaint stories, which means I’m not going to link to them at all. Oh well.

No news on stars, networks, or time frames, but that just provides us with an opportunity to recklessly speculate: Danny Glover and Dev Patel, ESPN Classic, June ’14.

From there, we’re introduced to a truly mysterious town with such oddities as witchcraft, lycanthropy, gigantism, immaculate conception, and Famke Janssen. Seriously, she’s way too hot to live in a small town. Women as hot as Famke Janssen typically live in medium-to-large cities. This is because attractive women get free stuff in large cities whereas the delicate economic balance of Smalltown, USA finds gifting to the very sexy too costly. #sorrynotsorry #itsbasiclogic

But anyway, back to Hemlock Grove, the new Netflix Original Series is as spooky as it is sexy and reintroduces small town mystery to the small screen. It’s a classic trope that gets a refreshing breath of life, and it’s available now for your binge viewing.

In celebration of Hemlock Grove, we take a look back at some of television’s favorite small towns with deep, dark secrets.

Twin Peaks, Washington – Twin Peaks

Similar to Hemlock Grove, this quiet logging community was rocked by the murder of a beautiful young girl. This is the catalyst that brings Special Agent Dale Cooper to town where he finds the only thing stranger than the locals is the case itself. As the investigation progresses, the seedy underbelly of Twin Peaks is exposed and the secret double lives of the presumed innocent come to the forefront.

Because this is David Lynch, it’s not exactly an open and shut mystery, leaving fans to ponder just what exactly happened to this day.

Eureka, Oregon – Eureka

The small and quaint Eureka appears to be a snapshot out of time. From the local diner to the one stoplight to the government complex located miles below ground where a bevy of top secret deadly projects occasionally escape and threaten the world. It’s just like Mayberry, if Mayberry’s residents suddenly spontaneously combusted with no discernible explanation.

Smallville, Kansas – Smallville

Who knew that the childhood home of Superman could be so dangerous? Thanks to a hail of kryptonite meteors, the farmlands of Smallville have mutated into a hot bed of super-human activity and strange phenomena. Conveniently, this prequel series presupposes that Lex Luthor and Clark Kent go way, way back. Almost to the days when Lex still had hair.

Eerie, Indiana – Eerie, Indiana

What if the events depicted in the pages of the Weekly World News were all true? And what if they all occurred in the same town? What if that town were in Indiana? Sadly, this inventive show about “the center of weirdness for the universe” was ahead of its time and only lasted for one very weird season.

Sunnydale, California – Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Sunnydale is just like any other California town in the 1990′s. Bad hair. Questionable fashion choices. Terrible music. A Hellmouth spitting out vampires, curses, strange incantations, and various forms of demons on a weekly basis. Typical California.

Woodbury, Georgia -The Walking Dead

Woodbury appears as a port in the storm after the zombie apocalypse destroys society in The Walking Dead. Seemingly pulled from the picture perfect towns of the 1950′s (except for the tall walls surrounded by shambling corpses), Woodbury’s problems are caused by the ego of their self-appointed leader, The Governor.

The sadist who promises safe haven has extreme ways of dealing with those he feels could prove to be a threat. Those who let their guard down most often end up becoming trophies in his macabre man-cave.

Perfection, Nevada – Tremors: The Series

The dusty desert town of Perfection, NV, doesn’t have much going for it in the way of excitement. At least not until prehistoric worms awaken beneath the Earth and begin eating the local residents. Throw in the added threats of failed government experiments, mad scientists, ruthless real-estate developers, and various mutations and you’ve got yourself a series, one that somehow finds a way to have people eaten week after week in a town that already only has a population of about eleven.

Although the inclusion of the character is a surprise. Yondu was featured in the original 60′s iteration of The Guardians, not the 2008 version that the film seemed to be drawing inspiration from. Yondu’s comic storyline also involved his losing his right hand though there’s no word if that will happen in the film. Between Merle’s Walking Dead amputation and the Mallrats stink palm, let’s hope that Michael Rooker’s hand finally catches a break in Hollywood. (Deadline)

So you’re saying there’s a chance, Marta? Oh. No. You’re not.

This means no Friends movie, no Friends reboot, no Friends sequel. It’s a sad state of affairs when we feel the need to report that some beloved old property such as this refuses to let itself go around the bend again, but it’s also pretty nice.

Friends was really good. Let’s enjoy the place it occupies in our hearts and memories and use the effort we would have spent recycling it into making something better.

Like, I dunno, an Arrested Development movie or something.

Additionally, FilmDrunk pointed out Mark Wahlberg’s tiny dinosaur arms and now it’s the only thing I see when I look at him. Just like the tooth in the exact center of Tom Cruise’s face.

Let’s focus on the bad for a moment. Rather than revel in the success of the films that were nominated for Best Picture at the Academy Awards, let’s take our glass-half-empty spectacles and focus on the snubs. Some of the films listed were on the bubble, but some unquestionably belong on the short list.

You can’t make everyone happy all the time, and I’m sure that even this list of snubs doesn’t cover a few films that others thought deserve to make the cut. But it’s a small step on the road to healing for these neglected orphans of Oscar night.

Skyfall

I will mention context in greater detail for a couple more films, but operating in the confines of the James Bond universe handicaps your ability to garner critical acclaim. Of course, one shouldn’t add degrees of difficulty for good performances in bad films, or exceptional direction in a trite, mass-marketed action franchise, but at the same time, the quality of the work shouldn’t be disregarded because of those factors either.

Skyfall was a raging success as a Bond film, but would have gathered more acclaim if it hadn’t been. Sadly, the producers will have to live with the designation of “an amazing Bond film” rather than “an amazing film.” It’s better than a stick in the eye, but not the treatment the outstanding film deserves.

The Master

Unlike many other tour de force directors, at no time has Paul Thomas Anderson run the risk of repeating himself. While it looked like he had been flirting with delusions of grandeur in Magnolia, he quickly righted the ship with diverse fare such as Punch Drunk Love and There Will Be Blood.

He’s back for more with The Master, which, despite existing atop many year-end lists, didn’t make the shortlists for Best Picture or Best Director. I am not saying that the film is the best of the year (though the case could be made), but it clearly exists on a completely separate level than Argo or Silver Linings Playbook, both phenomenal films, but demonstrating nowhere near the mastery and authorship that P.T. took to The Master.

This is the year’s most baffling and inexplicable exclusion. There was even more room to include, but Oscar voters opted not to. One has to wonder if the scientology machine could have been behind this snub, because common sense sure wasn’t.

Holy Motors

This film isn’t in English, so it would be situated in the Oscars’ “Best Foreign Language Film” category. However, we don’t have a “Best Movies That Didn’t Get Nominated For Best Foreign Language Film,” so this film goes on this list.

Holy Motors is a bewildering fantasy film that doesn’t seem to follow in the vein of, well, any film ever, which is a large part of its draw. It follows a protagonist as he goes through a door in his apartment, finding himself acting out myriad different scenarios for audiences, off-camera directors, and the like.

Anyone’s explanation won’t do the film justice. What the film lacks in production values (and it does lack them), it makes up for in innovation and weirdness. The film even has Kylie Minogue in it for God’s sake. What more could you want?

Moonrise Kingdom

It’s the most Wes Anderson-y of all the Wes Anderson films, and ten years ago, that may have been a good thing. But as we’ve seen with Tim Burton, and increasingly with Quentin Tarantino, audiences, over time, get restless with auteurs who sit so steadfastly in their comfort zone.

So in context, Moonrise Kingdom was a film that may have simply served as chapter six of the Wes Anderson saga, even if Fantastic Mr. Fox bought him a little goodwill in this regard. Out of context, Moonrise Kingdom serves as perhaps Anderson’s strongest outing yet, taking his childlike sense of wonder and aligning it with actual children, and their wonderful compliment, clueless adults.

Strong performances, especially by Edward Norton should have catapulted this film from “great Wes Anderson movie” to “great movie.”

The Grey

Sure, it came out way back in January, when most movies get dropped off because they can’t find a home in more high-profile release dates, and yes, it stars the current action-star Liam Neeson, and not the more thought-provoking Liam Neeson of yesteryear, but none of that should matter. The Grey is a triumph for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that director Joe Carnahan was able to shoehorn profound sadness and existential subject matter into a film the logline of which is “Guys fight killer wolves in the snow.”

That logline is where the mass-marketed appeals stop as we see a group of the toughest men in the world slowly, sadly resign themselves to their fate. There’s no underdog story, no come from behind win. Just a story beautifully told, and subtext that goes far beyond a killer wolves picking off plane crash victims.

It seems like most films these days are considered indie to some degree, with more and more popular faces doing “smaller” pictures. That’s not to say there are no films being created by outsiders that go on to strike a chord with viewers through unlikely casting and challenging themes. In fact, 2012 saw quality films from both sides of the aisle — making it a great year for arthouses and bold experimentation in storytelling.

Tim Heidecker – Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie & The Comedy

Tim Heidecker made a big impact in the indie film world this year with two very different films. Early in 2012, he co-wrote/co-directed/co-starred in Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie alongside Eric Wareheim. But it was The Comedy that finally ingratiated him to critics. In the Rick Alverson film, Heidecker plays an aging hipster who grows tired of his trust fund safety bubble and decides to test the limits of socially acceptable behavior. To say more would be to say too much, but it’s a tough film that sticks with you.

Mike Birbiglia & Seth Barrish – Sleepwalk With Me

Mike Birbiglia adapted his popular stage show for the big screen this past summer, raking in rave reviews.

David O. Russell – Silver Linings Playbook

Directed by Oscar favorite David O. Russell and starring a few of the biggest actors in Hollywood, Silver Linings Playbook is truly the little film that could.

Benh Zeitlin – Beasts Of The Southern Wild

Director Benh Zeitlin cast a bakery employee and a six-year old first-time actress for his debut feature. You can’t get more indie than that without dressing Parker Posey in clothes that match the wallpaper behind her.

Zal Batmanglij – Sound Of My Voice

Besides having one of the best last names on the planet, Zal Batmanglij made a splash with his first feature, The Sound Of My Voice. It didn’t hurt to have longtime collaborator and indie darling Brit Marling on board. But I like to think she agreed to do it because of his last name.

Jake Schreier – Robot & Frank

Of all the indie films to make an impact this year, this is the only one that features a robot which is awesome in its own right. But this film isn’t one to rest solely on the awesome laurels of featuring a robot. Instead, the film deals with the idea of adapting to technological change at an old age while also shining a light on the death of print culture in favor of digital media. And there are also jewel heists which are awesome as well.

The title-less film, to be helmed by Baltasar Kormakur, will go up against another Everest film starring recent Bale nemesis (in The Dark Knight Rises, and possibly in real life?) Tom Hardy. However, Hardy’s film will follow the ascent of George Mallory, who as any reader with a rudimentary knowledge of mountaineering history would know, was not successful in making it to summit.

But that was probably just because Mallory didn’t have Bane‘s mask. And because Mallory was weak.

If both films make it to market, it will mark the second time Bale has been involved in dueling films of similar subject matter, and he can only hope that Hardy will suffer the same fate as Edward Norton did in The Illusionist.

The Dirty Dozen

There’s nothing not to like about the premise of The Dirty Dozen and its characters. A major is tasked with assembling a small group of felon-soldiers and having them infiltrate a stronghold chateau. These guys are underdogs, misfits, and patriots. It’s like a much bloodier version of the Bad News Bears. While the ensemble has Telly Savalas, Charles Bronson, and Donald Sutherland, the real standout here is the gruff and no-nonsense Jim Brown, who was one of the first big names to make his way from the world of sports to the world of film. He’s tough enough that it never seems like acting, which I guess made his job very easy for him.

The Wild Geese

This one may not resonate in the same fashion as the American films, but just because these soldiers are largely English, Irish and South African doesn’t mean they kick any less ass. Bonus points to this film for shifting the venue away from the more familiar WWII settings and pitting them against forces of a military coup on the verge of executing the nation’s leader. As the heroes breach the facility, they silently take out the sentries with cyanide-tipped arrows and cyanide gas. Awesome? Awesome.

Das Boot

The characters in submarine films better be pretty damn compelling and likable, because the audience is going to be in close quarters with these guys for 90 minutes, so the irritation factor could be high. Fortunately, Wolfgang Petersen is able to ratchet up the drama fast and furiously. Further, the story is told through a military journalist, rather than through an omniscient or brutally unreliable soldier narrator. Oh yeah…all the guys on the boats are Nazis, which may not make them the most likable lot, but their plight is very relatable, and you’re able to forget that these are the bad guys, which is a testament to not only the story but the performances of the actors.

Inglourious Basterds

I held out as long as I could. The basterds are a group of largely Jewish soldiers who take their Nazi-hunting to a very personal level, using brutal tactics to not only weaken German manpower but also create bad PR that weakens the resolve of the German war machine. These tactics include baseball bat assaults from the Bear Jew, frequent scalpings, and… STIGLITZ. They don’t all find their way home, but their cause is a noble one. So let’s celebrate that.

Tropic Thunder

The guys in Tropic Thunder don’t come out of the gate as hardened soldiers but rather mismatched, hilariously idiosyncratic actors. But by the time the story ends, adversity has been faced and the good guys win, it’s hard to view them as actors in retrospect, even with such hilarious intermittent fare as Simple Jack. Just like with real soldiers, the madness of war takes its toll, in a thinly veiled spoof of the true story of shooting Apocalypse Now. It’s silly and slapstick-y, but the action sequences are quite legit, and the audience walks away learning that not only is war hell, but movie shoots about war can be hell as well.

Three Kings

As mentioned above, war can be hell because of the brutality, but in the case of high-tech battles of recent memory, war can also be hellishly boring, like a high school chem class. Three Kings uses four everymen to document exactly how rote and boring even life on the front lines can be as we see Spike Jonze, Ice Cube, Mark Wahlberg and George Clooney wrestle with their consciences as they’re torn between doing the right thing and getting really, really rich. They don’t set out to be heroes. Quite the opposite, actually. But they find their way after finally seeing the ravages of war.

Saving Private Ryan

Men rarely go to war alone, unless you’re John Rambo. So it’s no surprise that we more often see the ravages of war on groups of men, rather than individuals. Sure, they all cope their own way, but to see a group deteriorate or overcome collectively is part of the mystique of men in battle. Saving Private Ryan frames the journey of a group of men as they search for one man. The metaphor is hardly subtle, but that doesn’t mean it’s not effective. We see a medic, a schoolteacher, a translator, a hard-ass, another hard-ass and a regular Joe from Brooklyn all trek across Europe in the search for a lost soul in war. It’s beautifully done, and one of few films that’s really long because it needs to be, not because it wants to be.

“Insane” is a fairly subjective term, so let’s just consider this an opinion piece in the misguided hope that everyone will respect this list as one man’s opinion, which he has a right to. And those who take issue with any selections or omissions will understand that not everyone has the same taste, and insanity is in the eye of the beholder.

Predictably, none of the entries on this list were mainstream hits. Probably because when studio execs are sitting around a table, berating their assistants and spit balling summer tent-pole ideas, they normally aren’t building franchises around films which log lines contain the word “insane.”

But they should. Here are the most insane movies of 2012. Like, Busey level insane.

Holy Motors

Although it didn’t really enter the public consciousness (probably because it was weird and foreign), Holy Motors was critically acclaimed (also probably because it was weird and foreign). The film follows a man who exits a portal in his apartment and finds himself in several surreal situations with studio audiences, often with the uneasy ambiance of all-too-quiet dream.

It’s also in French, which adds to the insanity, and it features pop star Kylie Minogue prominently, which is pretty insane in and of itself.

Holy Motors is the type of ultra high-concept film that defies categorization or even expectation, along the lines of Von Trier’s Dogville, but much better.

The Cabin in the Woods

Insanity, thy name is Whedon. Cabin on the Woods, the long-gestating horror film produced by fanboy favorite Joss Whedon, did a lot of things at once. It served as a satire (a funny one at that – just reference the “giant molesting tree”), a genuinely scary horror film, and a meta-mystery.

The fact that the film sat on the shelf for so long, normally a kiss of death, seemed to add to the anticipation and allure, as though it was too hot for theaters.

Beyond the wacky concept (which I’m really not at liberty to divulge), the final 30 minutes of the film just become batshit-crazy, introducing a wide variety of villains, both familiar and hilariously contrived, with mayhem following shortly thereafter.

It’s a common refrain, but rather than listening to an explanation of why a movie is crazy or weird, and have the surprises given away, just see the movie!

Safety Not Guaranteed

What’s most insane about this film about a time-traveller taking out a classified ad for a companion is that the basic premise is rooted in truth. Someone actually took the ad out, with the qualifications that the companion’s safety was “not guaranteed,” and that the poster had “only done this once before.”

For a movie that follows such a whimsical premise, the casting of the ridiculously non-whimsical Aubrey Plaza as a journalist figuring out what the hell is up with that ad serves as a very nice counterbalance.

The sci-fi time-travel aspect of the plot often takes a back seat to the characters’ personal journeys, but as with many insane films, the last scene pays off nicely for those who have the patience.

It’s a quirky, cute movie that probably won’t make many best-of lists, but that’s why this list exists: To take in the weird with the great.

Project X

From producer Todd Phillips, who has made quite a name for himself with feature films that depict epic days and nights of debauchery, comes this film that, in verite style, depicts a high school house party gone completely wild.

By all accounts, the film is a misfire that aims for the accomplishments of a Cloverfield, albeit in a party atmosphere, but the ambition of the film is startling. The whole “found footage” approach is a very difficult one to get right, and holding back on the adult content handicaps the film by targeting it at clearly a younger set, even though the younger set is largely filtered out by the R rating.

This movie about a party gone bad is probably best presented in the background, on mute, of a party that’s going well.

This Must Be The Place

The trailer does most of the heavy lifting here. An aging androgynous rocker (think Robert Smith), living a quiet life in Britain, goes back to New York to right a wrong committed to his deceased father during WWII.

While that logline doesn’t exactly scream “INSANE,” the film features a very, very, very, very bizarre character played by Penn. Normally off-putting in a gruff standoffish manner, his portrayal of Cheyenne is off-putting because of his timid, freakishly timid demeanor.

It might be a welcome departure from the characters that Sean Penn normally plays, and the character of “Sean Penn” that he plays in real life, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not equally crazy and weird.

Based on Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight follow-up, The Host trades sparkling skin for bizarro eyes and Kristen Stewart for an actress you don’t want to kick down a flight of stairs. When Earth is invaded by an advanced race of brain parasites, there are only a small number of sexy teens left to fight for the fate of mankind. Damn those brain slugs and their technological advancements and betterment of society. They won’t get away with that!

The Monsters, Inc. prequel takes us back to Sully and Mike Wazowski’s school days to learn how the duo first met, what lead them down the path to becoming complete sell outs, and since its college, all the hallucinogens they took and asses they tapped. Gotta say though, I’m a little jealous. I went to a small liberal arts college and the girls at Monster University are much less busted than the ones at my school.

Screen Junkies has a recurring feature called Honest Trailers in which we skewer popular films with a version of the trailer that reveals the dirty underlying truths about the movie. As a Screen Junkies writer, let me be the first to say that they’re always HILARIOUS and witty.

Which is why it ruffled so many feathers when MTV took issue with our take on the Skyfall send-up. The Skyfall Honest Trailer may not have been our single favorite Honest Trailer, but that’s just because they’re all so good that they’re tied for first in our hearts.

It hurt our feelings that a site which is now as devoted to film as it is to good, original music thought that our criticisms of the film were baseless, so one of the writers of the Skyfall Honest Trailer, Ian Weinreich, decided to critique the critique.

Here’s Ian’s response. We await MTV’s re-response with bated breath.

Film writer Kevin P. Sullivan has a few bones to pick with us over our latest episode of Honest Trailers: Skyfall. If you haven’t heard of Kevin Sullivan, then you’re missing some of the most well written reviews of movies like Singin’ in the Rain on his blog for MTV, showing that he truly understands the core audience he’s supposed to be writing for.

He believes that Honest Trailers has “devolved into a series of nit-picky video essays that seemingly hates every aspect of the movies.” Lest Mr. Sullivan think I’m a dilettante on the subject of 007, let me just say that I’ve been watching Bond my entire life, was named after Ian Fleming, and have gotten laid with no less than three Bond movies playing in the background. So while I may apparently be a loser, I know what I’m talking about when it comes to Bond.

Mr. Sullivan was nice enough to give a point-by-point rebuttal to our Honest Trailer episode in which we try to make people laugh and be entertained by pointing out things us fans found striking about Skyfall. It was not meant, as he apparently wishes it were, to be a critical analysis worthy of Cahiers du Cinema. So now a point-by-point rebuttal rebuttal.

Sam Mendes has no experience direction action.

While it’s true that Mendes has never directed anything like “Skyfall,” every actiondirector has to start somewhere. Does Screen Junkies take into account that he knocked it out of the park on his first attempt? No.

Mr. Sullivan begins with “While it’s true that Mendes has never directed anything like Skyfall,….therefore negating his argument before he even begins. A better argument would’ve been to bring up all the great shootout scenes in Road to Perdition.

It’s overrated because Quantum of Solace sucked.

You can’t assume that the nearly universal praise for “Skyfall” comes from an equally widespread need to lift the series reputation after one bad installment.

Actually I love Quantum, but I’m one of the few people, and if Mr. Sullivan had paid attention to the hype of the new film’s production, he would’ve noticed that every interview the filmmakers gave was an apology for the last movie and a need to up the ante to make up for it.

Bond doesn’t hide his name.

This isn’t a realistic espionage drama. Did you notice that henchman who got eaten by a komodo dragon? That should have tipped you off.

Mr. Sullivan postulates that it’s okay that people know Bond’s name since this isn’t a realistic espionage drama evidenced by the fact that a henchman gets eaten by a komodo dragon. If he’d done his homework, he would know that the Komodo dragon, also known as the komodo monitor, has killed over a dozen people in the last 20 years. I suppose he also missed headlines like ‘Komodo dragons maul man to death’, ‘Komodo dragon attacks terrorize villages,‘ ‘komodo dragons kill Indonesian fisherman’ from just a simple Google search.

Why didn’t the train in the opening sequence stop?

Because that would make for an interesting chase sequence, right?

The explanation that had it stopped, there would’ve been no interesting chase sequences is valid. He’s right, there wouldn’t have been one. So then maybe the writers should have come up with something better that explains why as a train is torn apart and guns go off on its roof, the conductor just keeps it going.

Why aren’t the passengers scared?

They look scared to me, but more importantly, why do you care?

Meh, they really don’t look too scared, Kevin, come on. Maybe a little bewildered, but scared? Wouldn’t you be freaking out if the back of your train was ripped off behind you like the plane from Lost and some rando dude just jumped in?

Bond’s beach time was ‘anticlimactic’, and there’s CNN in English.

I don’t think “anticlimactic” is the word you’re looking for, and the CNN bit is an old screenwriting trick where a news broadcast helps get a piece of exposition across that would have otherwise broken up the story in an awkward way. Also, ‘Skyfall’ is a movie.

No, that’s the word I’m looking for. But thanks, Thesaurus. Bond falls from a towering height into a waterfall with two gunshot wounds in Turkey. Somehow, without any help, he makes it all the way to South America. We see none of that happen, don’t know how, don’t know how he fought to survive, made it out of the water, patch himself up, found a fake passport, evade his own organization and go overseas. He just popped up in one shot. That, I believe, is anticlimactic.

And ahhh, thank you for defining what exposition means. All this time I thought newscasts in movies were actually telling me real news. Why a cheap, local bar in South American would be playing Wolf Blitzer, I still don’t know.

Word association, office politics, art theory, Judi Dench frowning, and landscape shots are boring.

Really? Because the word association session is a well-written scene that establishes Bond’s troubled link to his childhood home, M’s meeting with Mallory sets the stage for her public fallout, and Bond’s introduction to Q is a fun way of exploring the theme and point of the whole bloody movie. And the landscape shots? You mean Roger Deakins’ Oscar-nominated cinematography? Are you sure you actually like movies?

Mr. Sullivan lights us up on this one. I guess he didn’t find the pacing of the entire second act of the movie slow, long and drawn out. But that’s his opinion. He’s entitled to it. Except that he uses the phrase ‘whole bloody movie.’ And unless he’s British, he’s not allowed to use the word bloody like that. What a tosser.

Silva’s plan is unrealistically convoluted.

“Okay, we’ll let this one slide. (But, you know, it’s a movie.)”

Well, Casino Royale was also a movie. The plot of that one was a villain plays a high-stakes card game to win back the money he lost from terrorists. Bond tries to stop him. Wow, see how simple that is and easy to follow and from one of the most beloved recent Bond pics? Imagine that.

It takes too long for Silva to show up.

Yeah, and when he does, his entrance is more impactful because of the wait.

Sure, it’s impactful, but he’s such a great character, we just wish he would’ve appeared earlier because he’s wasted for half the film.

Silva “makes Bond gay.”

I’m pretty sure this is homophobic, and you missed the point.

Accusation: We’re homophobic. Reality: It’s funny when played with porn music in the background. Lighten up, man.

The gadgets are lame, and the radio is bigger than one Bond had in the 60s.

Sometimes for comedic relief you have to ignore the continuity of a 50-year-old film franchise.

I’m not sure he knows what “comedic relief” actually means since it was not done for any comedic relief. There was no comedy. There was no relief.

The writers stole agent list plot from “Mission: Impossible.”


…and ‘Mission: Impossible’ stole it from countless spy movies, TV shows, and novelsbefore it. Everything is a remix.”

I’m sorry, did you just say “Everything is a remix”? What post-modern, pop-art Eurotrash film magazine did you read that one out of?

The fight scenes are too “artsy” to actually see.

Sam Mendes and Roger Deakins would like to apologize for thinking that movies should be interesting to look at.

Um, no. They were trying to be interesting to look at but tried too hard and like we said, you really had to strain to see what the hell was going on.

The ending is ripped off from Home Alone.

…or the western trope of a last stand. It’s a western, not ‘Home Alone‘.

Sure, it all harkens back to a last stand motif. But isn’t it funny when you see Judi Dench making light bulb bombs with that music playing over it? Doesn’t Joe Pesci look so pissed?

Bond essentially rapes Severine.

She doesn’t seem to be resisting…like, at all.

Good luck using that line at your trial, bro.

The hard drive storyline disappears. 


True, but couldn’t that have just been a ruse to get MI6 involved from the start?

First, you started with “True” so you agree with us. Second, it was a ruse to get MI6 involved. But it still exists, ya know? This list is still out in the open. Isn’t it kind of, you know, important they get it back?

-Ian Weinreich

A Talking Cat!?! follows the adventures of Duffy, a magical cat that can talk to people but he can only talk to each person once. In this film, Duffy uses his special powers to bring two families together before never speaking to them again. There’s even more. Are you lying down and have you emptied your bowels?

Here is the poster for A Talking Cat!?! As you can see, the voice of Duffy is provided by none other than Eric Roberts. James Woods was not available.

The best part is the news that A Talking Cat!?! is available to watch on Netflix Instant. Which means we hold the power to making it the most popular film on in Netflix’s library. If you don’t believe me that this film deserves it, perhaps these viewer comments will convince you:

• “Very little attention was given to detail in this movie – Johnny WhItaker’s hair is unkempt, and the Spanish curse word “Pinche” on his tee shirt was not appreciated as I watched this with kids.”
• “As amazingly insane as this movie is, 1:04:37 to 1:08:00 might be the most fantastic montage I’ve ever seen. I laughed until I cried. I can’t recommend this highly enough.”
• “Yes, I saw this house interior used in another movie.”

And for those still not frightened away, here’s the trailer. Any trailer featuring time code is obviously worth your time. Pop the corn and let’s get to watching!!

Following a fairly scathing and bizarre (but not quite surprising), New York Times article, it’s becoming more and more apparent that.

I guess that it’s also possible that art funded by a Kickstarter campaign can also be not very good. We’re learning new stuff every day.

How awesome is that?! No. Not the picture which The Rock’s assistant found on DeviantArt. The fact that all it takes these days to make a movie is a drawing. That’s incredible. Besides the picture should totally be put in the able hands of Pixar.

The picture in question was drawn by Alex Panagopoulos, a Greek software engineer turned fantasy artist. It features a little girl asleep in bed while a small brown teddy bear — brandishing a laughably small wooden sword and shield — holds an enormous, fanged monster at bay. And in the fashion of a motivational poster, a caption reads “Teddy Bears: Protecting innocent children from monsters under the bed since 1902.”

Hiram Garcia, a former assistant to Johnson, found the illustration and brought it to Flynn’s FlynnPictureCo and New Line. The company, Flynn and Johnson together made the 2012 family adventure movie Journey 2: The Mysterious Island; Garcia was an associate producer on the film, which made nearly $328 million worldwide.

Let’s hope this does well and opens the door for other under-conceived films making it to the screen. Like this one:I’ve been trying to get that bitch into production for five years. (THR)

However, as many action stars used their muscles and wraparound sunglasses as a crutch for weak acting, Van Damme quickly made the leap from martial arts star to legit action actor in a manner that Steven Segal can only dream of. In honor of Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning‘s release on Blu-Ray^TM and DVD, here are his seven best films. Your results may vary.

Bloodsport

Perhaps the most durable film of JCVD’s catalog, Bloodsport is a great example of what-you-see-is-what-you-get. Taking some creative liberties with the life story of Frank Dux, the producers let us into the world of underground fighting known as the kumite, in which seedy Asians bet on a (wait for it) Bloodsport where fighters as diverse as those in a video game hammer on each other for sport and glory.

It’s impossible to ignore the parallels between the film and the video game Street Fighter, indicating that the reach of Bloodsport was such that it transcended film and managed to infiltrate other aspects of pop culture.

Universal Soldier

Before Roland Emmerich was going over the top with films like Independence Day, he was cutting his teeth in the action genre with (slightly) less fanfare such as Universal Soldier, which featured futuristic soldiers having at each other as reanimated versions of their Vietnam War-era selves.

Big Bad Dolph Lundgren fashions a necklace made out of ears, and if that doesn’t do it for you, the ambitious scene set upon the Hoover Dam gives us a fascinating glimpse of what’s to come from Mr. Emmerich.

JCVD

Upon learning that Jean-Claude Van Damme is credited as playing “JCVD,” it’s clear that this won’t be a straight up documentary on the action star, but rather a truth-bending interpretation of the action star’s life, in which he plays a struggling, broke actor that is down on his luck and weathered.

It doesn’t always achieve its lofty high-concept ambitions, but it’s a fascinating watch nonetheless to see JCVD go from ass-kicker to uber-vulnerable.

Hard Target

If you can get past the mullet (a ginormous “if”) and get past the denim on denim on denim (probably with lots of turquoise and silver underneath it), you can get to the heart of a really great action film starring an in-his-prime Van Damme directed by an up-and-coming John Woo.

This is Woo at his finest, before he got all cliché and heavy-handed with his imagery and symbolism. It’s bows and arrows and motorcycles and explosions all done in a deft fashion that, for its time, was pushing the boundaries of stale action fare.

Street Fighter

While few would argue this is a “good” film, it’s a fascinating piece of JCVD’s career, as it crosses the same spot on his career arc that Bloodsport does, though in a baroque and stale way. So why watch it unless you want to run through that academic exercise?

Because it’s the archetypical bad video game film that managed to drag some decent talent down with it, namely Raul Julia (sadly, his last film) and Van Damme. Van Damme plays the protagonist Guile, and beyond that, the plot is largely incidental as the film just tosses out reference points to the video game in the hope that will be enough.

It’s not, but it’s incredibly fun and interesting to watch the film try so damn hard.

Breakin’

Sure, JCVD is uncredited here as a spectator during a breakdance scene, but it’s amazing to watch this campy 1984 breakdancing film knowing that somewhere, an undiscovered Jean Claude Van Damme was wandering around the set, speaking with a thick Belgian accent, and wondering if it would be ok if he took another sandwich from the craft services truck.

Kickboxer

Lesson 1: Play to your star’s strengths. Van Damme was rightfully known for and discovered for his prowess as a martial artist, and between this film and Bloodsport, that couldn’t be more clear in the upward trajectory of his career. Any film that has the protagonist dipping his hands in resin and glass is going to have first crack at the number one spot, and this is no exception. In fact, it’s probably the rule.

The name says it all. Kickboxer. We see JCVD kick ass the way it was meant to be kicked, and that’s his legacy.

And in case you had the misguided idea that the show would be anything other than a fictionalization of Jessica’s publicized life, then you just don’t know how Hollywood works, my friend.

NBC has proven itself resolute in steering clear of anything high-concept, instead going with TV show loglines that are summed up as “This is a show with *insert obnoxious celebrity or tired source material*.” Who exactly is clamoring for a fictionalization of Jessica Simpson’s life remains to be seen, but it’s interesting in as much as it further demonstrates the growing gap between the networks and cable in the changing TV dynamic.

While many Screen Junkies readers aren’t familiar with Howser or his work, they may be familiar with a caricature of Howser that appeared on The Simpsons “There’s Something About Marrying” episode, which depicted a folksy travel host quite literally falling off the turnip truck.

While his voice and enthusiasm were easy for comedians to crib, they were also genuine hallmarks of a guy that made mundane trips down Route 66 seem…interesting. And that in and of itself is a small miracle.

Here he is talking about avocados.

Sons Of Anarchy creator and fan of his own voice, Kurt Sutter took to his Twitter to weigh in.

AMC is run by small-minded, bottom-line thinkers who have no appreciation or gratitude for the effort of its creative personnel. Time and time again we see events like what happened today with Glen Mazzara. They continue to disrespect writers, sh*t on their audience, and bury their network. Mazzara took the work-in-progress that was Walking Dead and turned it into a viable TV show with a future. Without him, that future is dim. Showrunners are not development executives, we’re not cookiecutter douchebags that you plug into a preexisting model. TWD will suffer. Even Zombies need consistency. Mad Men and Breaking Bad will be gone soon. So will AMC. I hope their f*cking stock takes a dive and the shareholders line up (Josh) Sapan, (Charles) Dolan and (Charlie) Collier and sh*t in their open hands. C*nts. (Via)

While Mazzara did make The Walking Dead a better show, it still remains a clumsy show. Version 1.0 was too slow and Version 2.0 is a little too heavy on bashing in zombie heads. Hopefully, whoever steps in for Season Four will find the right mix between the two. In other words, develop Michonne. Right now she comes off as a dickhead with a sword.

I think it’s about time that he changed vendors. (via Topless Robot)

Funnyman Ricky Gervais is in talks to play the (human) lead character in the next installment of the Muppets movie, taking over for Jason Segel, who won’t be acting in or writing this iteration.

Gervais’ role is subject to much speculation as the script is being kept super-duper top secret mostly because people have a tendency to get weird and emotional about the Muppets in a manner that is truly baffling. Disney can’t be blamed in wanting to keep those weirdos at bay.

Anyway, he seems like a through-and-through good guy that would probably do right by Jim Henson, the franchise, Disney, and all those weirdo fans, so I formally request we accept this as good news.

Gogo Yubari – Kill Bill

Often overlooked on QT superlative lists, how could she ever be missed? Gogo Yubari makes the list based solely on style and kitsch. The top assassin dresses like a schoolgirl, wields a spiked meteor hammer, and disembowels pervy businessmen. That leaves quite an impression with me.

Shosanna Dreyfus – Inglourious Basterds

The French-Jewish cinema owner who lost her family at the hands of Hans Landa bides her time and plots her revenge. She holds a deep hatred for Nazis and commits herself to their downfall. When a young SS soldier takes a liking to her, she uses this influence to lure the fascists into her trap. Melanie Laurent’s Shosanna is the backbone of Inglourious Basterds and the face of Jewish vengeance.

Mr. Blonde – Reservoir Dogs

Michael Madsen portrays Vincent Vega’s brother with a psychotic cool. Most famous for the scene that put Tarantino on the map, Vic Vega (aka Mr. Blonde) shows extreme cruelty while torturing Marvin the cop – all to the hip-swinging soundtrack of Stealers Wheel’s “Stuck In The Middle With You.” A song that is now synonymous with hacking off ears and dosing people with gasoline. Probably not Stealers Wheel’s intent when they wrote the song.

The Wolf – Pulp Fiction

In a film with so many great characters and strong performances, sometimes less is more. Amongst the cameos from Christopher Walken, Eric Stoltz, and Parker Lewis, stands out Harvey Keitel‘s unforgettable performance as “The Cleaner,” Mr. Wolf. When you’ve got a corpse in a car in a garage minus a head, who else can you depend on to solve that problem? I’m sure there are a handful of folks you can trust in that industry, but will they all show up wearing a tuxedo at 8:50am? No. That’s the Winston Wolfe difference.

Jules Winnfield – Pulp Fiction

You don’t get a wallet touting the status of “Bad Motherfucker” by not being a bad motherfucker. Well, I guess you could just buy one at Spencer’s Gifts but, c’mon. You wanna earn a distinction like that.

Pulp Fiction essentially introduced the world to Samuel L. Jackson and the world has been a better place since. Though he’s played many memorable roles since, the mushroom cloud-layin’, scripture-quoting hitman Jules Winnfield remains a standout. His delivery of Ezekiel 25:17 actually makes church seem awesome. Ball’s in your court, the Pope!

The Bride – Kill Bill

After Pulp Fiction, Uma Thurman reteamed with Tarantino to help co-create his most ass-kicking character. Beatrix Kiddo aka Black Mambo aka The Bride awoke from a coma with a list and a mission — to kill her former boss and co-workers who put her in that state. The highly trained assassin, marksman, swordswoman and the self-proclaimed “most dangerous woman in the world” travels the world armed with Hanzo Steel, killing all who stand in her path. Including an entire dojo full of bloodthirsty Yakuza swordsmen.

Col. Hans Landa – Inglourious Basterds

Tarantino’s most engaging and memorable character to date. Brought to gleeful life by Christoph Waltz, the Jew Hunter exudes an easy charm that makes his existence grotesque and haunting. Yielding great power and an ever-turning mind, he injects terror and tension into something as everyday as adding creme to strudel.

The Fly (1986)

David Cronenberg topped the special effects of the 1958 classic by hiring the Academy Award-winning makeup designers Chris Walas, Inc. That and gore. Tons and tons of gore that still grosses us out today. There’s just something about acidic vomit, y’know?

The Thing (1982)

John Carpenter‘s update on 1951′s The Thing From Another World took memories of that film and cracked its chest open, turned it inside out, and then made it talk through its butt. What I’m trying to say is that Rob Bottin’s practical effects were so shocking and unforgettable, that Carpenter’s film remains the gold standard for sci-fi horror to this day. Also a valuable upgrade from the original: that awesome hat that Kurt Russell wears.

Battlestar Galactica (2003)

When the Syfy Channel announced that it was remaking the beloved space-opera Battlestar Galactica, fans didn’t know what to expect. What they got was mind-blowing. Set aside the fact that the scripts and plotting for Ronald D. Moore’s reimagining were excellent, and focus solely on the special effects. The unique technique of adding pans, zooms, and focus pulls to the computer-rendered space battles brought to mind newsreel footage of World War II and Vietnam, allowing the viewer to sit amongst the action and connect emotionally to the scenes rather than just watching stuff blow up.

Planet Of The Apes (2001)

It’s by no stretch a better film but those apes looked great.

Star Trek (2009)

JJ Abrams breathed an entirely new life into the already established and worshiped franchise by redesigning and rebuilding everything we thought we knew. Also, he added lens flare. So. Much. Lens. Flare.

The Nutty Professor (1996)

What Jerry Lewis was able to do with a silly face back in 1963, Eddie Murphy was able to top with foam latex fat suits and cutting edge visual effects. Rick Baker’s makeup is flawless — turning Eddie Murphy into not one but five distinct characters. Another draw for this film are the stunning transformation scenes by Rhythm & Hues Studios, as Murphy’s Sherman Klump wrestles to control Buddy Love, often ballooning and shrinking right before our eyes.

War Of The Worlds (2005)

Steven Spielberg took what H.G. Wells scared the crap out of radio listeners with and made it visually terrifying. Industrial Light & Magic served as the main effects house working on the film — creating over 500 CGI effects. In order to prevent the film from looking like total crap, the use of blue screen and computer-generated landscapes was kept to a minimum. Instead the computer-animated Tripod creatures were integrated into shot footage and miniatures.