movies

ANDY ROONEY REVIEWS "FAST & FURIOUS"

POSTED BY Andy Rooney | FRIDAY APRIL 3 AT 10:04 PDT 
Fast and Furious

60 MINUTES' ANDY ROONEY REVIEWS FAST & FURIOUS

By Andy Rooney

The other day I took my grandson to go see this newfangled Fast & Furious movie.  It’s the one you’ve been seeing all the ads for on the TV and in the papers.  If you didn’t realize, they still sell newspapers.

I don’t go to movies very often.  The last movie I saw in a theater was Cocoon, with Wilford Brimley.  That was a movie with a real message, and I liked it because I could actually understand what was coming out of the actors’ mouths.  Nowadays, it seems fashionable to make it so that the audience can’t hear what the actors are saying.  Maybe the movie executives don’t want them to know. 

My grandson told me that this is the fourth film in a series, and that it’s the first time Vin Diesel and Paul Walker have starred together since the original film.  He seemed excited about it, but I don’t know why.  Walker and Diesel are no Martin and Lewis.  Call me old fashioned, but is it too much to ask for one lousy song and dance number?  I remember when $12 would have gotten you a month of double features – talkies, no less.  And I knew they were talkies because I could decipher words.  Nowadays, you don’t even get an organist playing before the picture starts. 

I won’t give too much away about Fast and Furious.  I can’t remember much of it.  I can’t remember where I put my socks in the morning.  Plus, during the screening I spent most of the time trying to find my wallet that had fallen out of my pocket and under the seat.  I’ve noticed that they’ve been making pockets in Dockers bigger these days.   I can’t imagine why, given this recession we’re in.

From what I gathered, the movie was about criminals who like to race expensive cars and drive them around like maniacs.   I don’t think many people want to see a movie about criminals.  Call me crazy, but I like to get behind characters with morals. 

There were a lot of cars in Fast and Furious that you couldn’t pay me to drive.  I don’t like a car that calls a lot of attention to itself, like one painted a bright color.  The movie’s full of those.  Brightly colored cars show dust, and who has time these days to clean dust?  So, it was just a bit hard for me to believe that all these young people in the movie were able to maintain their cars’ appearance.  Plus, a little dust might do them some good anyway.  They wouldn’t blind other drivers on the street.  But I think I’ve already established that this film doesn’t preach courteousness. 

I can’t imagine what these characters must pay in auto insurance premiums, if they even have insurance.  But all I kept thinking to myself was, if these kids have money why don’t they put some of it into learning a useful trade, like running a lathe?   I guess it’s a lot easier to run drugs for Latino crime lords.  But something tells me they don’t offer very good medical benefits.  That’s something that a lot of people tend to overlook until they get kidney stones, or need a hip replacement. 

Also, all these characters in Fast and Furious had more than one car.  They’d crash one and just jump in another one, la-di-da.  And that baffles me.  Did you know we have over 200 million cars in America?  That’s more cars than licensed drivers.  We ought to be ashamed. 

The other thing that bothered me about the movie was how fast all these people have to drive.  Credit the filmmakers for at least warning me in the title.  But really, who do these characters think they are?  Every year the auto manufacturers make cars to be faster than before, but cars have always gone faster than is legal to drive them.  You don’t impress me, Vin Diesel.  I don’t care that your car goes zero to sixty in five seconds.  I had a Studebaker in ’49 and it would go 70 miles an hour back then. 

And don’t these people realize hitting the gas like they do isn’t just bad for the transmission; it’s also noise pollution?  That’s a ticketable offense in more counties than you think.  (And try writing an editorial column with ten coffee grinders going off simultaneously.  I’ll be impressed if you get through the first sentence.)

Also, there’s a lot of unnecessary testosterone in this film.  The actors are always in each other’s faces.  I remember having disagreements with my old neighbor when he would borrow my weed whacker longer than he was welcome to.  I’d always win the argument because I read more books than him.  Imagine that concept. 

But in Fast and Furious, some of these arguments are won through fisticuffs, and that just sends the wrong message to youngsters.  There’s a moment in the movie when Paul Walker punches a superior policeman in the face.  One of the more impressionable audience members in my screening went so far as to yell out a homosexual epithet celebrating this insubordination.  I’d like to see that happen with an enlisted man and an officer back in the war.   You’d have your rate stripped.  And forget about shore leave.  

But I suppose that was then and this is now.  Still, I would have approached that youngster after the screening to give him a piece of my mind, but I was still looking for my wallet.

Incidentally, my grandson loved the movie. 




 

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  1. Says:
    April 3rd, 2009 at 10:23 am God, I can't that friggin Rooney voice out of my head. GET OUT OF MY HEAD ANDY ROONEY! Now i'm opening my fridge and hearing him talk about the light inside the fridge. Kill me.
  2. Wookie Johnson Says:
    April 3rd, 2009 at 11:28 am

    Oh man. Andy Rooney is going to HATE Transformers 2.

  3. tyvick Says:
    April 3rd, 2009 at 12:02 pm

    Surprisingly, he loved the Bruno trailer. Hmm.

  4. Says:
    April 3rd, 2009 at 12:14 pm Sylvester Stallone wants to know more about this "unnecessary testosterone." He'd be glad to take it off your hands, and promises a fair price. -FilmDrunk
  5. Amazing Larry Says:
    April 3rd, 2009 at 02:30 pm Andy Rooney pees his diapers!
  6. Amazing Larry Says:
    April 3rd, 2009 at 02:31 pm Because he's so old!
  7. Says:
    April 3rd, 2009 at 02:33 pm This is pretty funny. Of course, had the real Andy Rooney reviewed it, he would have been slightly less coherent.
  8. Buckminster Schumacker III Says:
    April 3rd, 2009 at 02:36 pm

    Well, had the real Andy Rooney reviewed it, he would have required Morley Safer to introduce him.

  9. Andy Rooney Says:
    April 3rd, 2009 at 02:39 pm

    Why do they call it strawberry cream?  There's not strawberries or cream in it!  Just partially hydrogenated, high fructose corn syrup.  I don't remember having that in my kitchen!

  10. Steve Bennett Says:
    April 3rd, 2009 at 03:49 pm

    Rooney, you goofy old coot! You're stilve alive?! Nice!

  11. Says:
    April 4th, 2009 at 06:28 am Andy Rooney fucking rules! :D
  12. Says:
    April 4th, 2009 at 10:35 am BRAVO! This reads just like a Rooney Rant.
  13. Says:
    April 4th, 2009 at 06:12 pm i review F&F4: Pure shit
  14. Says:
    April 4th, 2009 at 07:25 pm haha this granpa is a joke!
  15. Says:
    April 5th, 2009 at 01:13 am "Oh man. Andy Rooney is going to HATE Transformers 2." Everyone is going to hate Transformers 2.
  16. Says:
    April 5th, 2009 at 05:31 pm "I don’t think many people want to see a movie about criminals." -Andy "Out of Touch" Rooney.
  17. Says:
    April 5th, 2009 at 11:06 pm Sarcasm
  18. Says:
    April 6th, 2009 at 09:15 am love it. I can't his voice out of my mind, and it makes it funnier. Thanks
  19. Says:
    April 6th, 2009 at 10:25 pm Come to think of it, why do they call it taking a dump when you're actually leaving something? Andy's eyebrows are outta control.
  20. Says:
    April 9th, 2009 at 09:57 pm Why would they bother learning to run a lathe? Nobody will pay enough to live on for actually working in this country. Lathe jobs have been outsourced to China to a guy who will run one for 27 cents an hour, with no benefits. At least criminal work pays enough to actually live on, as opposed to being an American worker, these days.
  21. Says:
    April 15th, 2009 at 03:23 am "It’s the one you’ve been seeing all the ads for on the TV and in the papers. If you didn’t realize, they still sell newspapers."....HA HA HA (LOL!!!!!!---"crickets chirping...silence...") Seriously dude? Why do you still have a job? Saying this with the utmost respect: your movie reviews and observational commentary can suck it. I can think of infinitesimally more valuable things that benefit the human race more than the dribble you preach on your pathetic T.V. program. But I say this with respect, if you can believe that. -"Nowadays, it seems fashionable to make it so that the audience can’t hear what the actors are saying. Maybe the movie executives don’t want them to know." (O.k., I admit that's pretty clever). For what it's worth, Fast and Furious does suck. The Fugitive Kind and Marty. Now those are movies for ya. I only have one question. Why does your generation always complain about things like WWII, Vietnam and Watergate? Were those things really all that bad? There are far worse things in the world today: The decay of Capitalism and Christian ideals, cloning, economic/money abuse, 9/11 and gas prices. I know people who lived in your time have collective things that brought them together. Kennedy, King and the Moon; but honestly? There were only select elite who were truly part of that. Like today, everyone else is just admiring the scenery. In the end, nobody knows anything. Somehow I don't think the current generation will be complaining about how they had to walk in the snow (or how "we were there in Iraq!") we're just not that kind of people. We don't have to complain about our great depressions to justify our existence. This idea that human beings have to make themselves feel better about their hardships is over; we're just so damn tired of all that nonsense. It's time to start acting and stop talking. The age of talk is over, the age of action is about to begin. I know what you're thinking. I watch too much T.V.... Perhaps it's your generation who's listened to too much talk radio?
  22. Says:
    April 19th, 2009 at 08:45 am Wow Anonymous, I hope you're joking and you know this review is a joke hah
  23. Says:
    May 23rd, 2009 at 01:10 pm THE BEST
  24. Says:
    May 23rd, 2009 at 01:11 pm THE BEST I LOVE IT
  25. Says:
    February 5th, 2010 at 06:59 pm Still alive and well enough to complain I see, some things never do change i guess.
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