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7 Best Paternity Results Reactions

Tuesday, January 20 by

FROM: HOLY TACO. Why someone would want to be confronted with paternity test results on national television is beyond me. But then I'm also not addicted to meth, Aqua Net, and Value Cigarettes. Click HERE to witness some of these amazing reactions.

Inauguration Extravaganza TV Preview

Tuesday, January 20 by

Barack Obama and his Super Friends take over all the stations for prertty much the entire day and night. You have every channel commenting on every single gesture everyone makes, with interspersed shots of really excited people screaming and jumping to be seen on TV at the biggest bash of all time. What, you're not drunk yet? I'm trashed! Surprisingly, FOX is running their regular schedule, which includes the return of Fringe. Welcome to the age of Obama!

Presidential Motorcade Gatling Suburban

Tuesday, January 20 by

I've been watching the MSNBC inauguration coverage out of the corner of my eye today. With the few delays– like Ted Kennedy having a seizure and a few gaffs– like Chief Justice John Roberts bungling the inaugural oath, it's been a pretty amazing day in DC, and the anchors have done a solid job. They spent some time talking about how cock-diesel the new Presidential Limo is. 5 inch thick blast proof doors, chemical attack-proof oxygen system, and other things we'll never know about. But what they didn't mention was that this bad-boy gatling gun suburban rolls behind it in the motorcade parade that's currently taking place. Hope and change are important and all. But if things go south, spraying a wall of lead is a nice backup plan. Check this video.

Painless

Monday, January 19 by

Tonight’s episode is about pain. Well, not all about pain, but mostly about it. The patient suffers from intense chronic pain that nobody can cure. House suffers ever-increasing pain in his legs, and he is starting to wonder if this pain will ever leave.  Ohhh, and a pipe breaks in House’s home, leading to an extended metaphor for House’s physical condition. Along with this main theme of pain are the smaller sub-plots that make House one of the best shows on television. Thirteen and Foremon discuss their kiss, Taub and Kutner fight about the ethics of suicide, and Cuddy gets approved to be a foster mom.  It is these little sub-plots that have me tuning into House every week. That and House’s sarcastic banter. I love that sarcastic banter. The Patient

24 Recap: 12PM-1PM

Monday, January 19 by

Matobo and his wife, locked into the safe room, hang tight while Jack, Tony, and Emerson try and figure out a way in. Agent Walker, fresh from interrogating Tanner, speeds towards Matobo's house. But Larry Moss calls her enroute, asking about her methods of interrogation. "So you tortured him?"–"I got the information we needed." He demands that she come back, but Walker's stubborn, and tells him that she's got to make things right.

For Inaguration I’m Getting Some ‘Hores’ Link Time

Monday, January 19 by

This is basically the last night that you will sleep while George W. Bush is your president. For some of you this may be the sad parting of a hawkish visionary who's tough guy politics heralded in a new era of American dominance. Others may be puking joy as Commander Dickface heads back to Crawford or Dallas or wherever to hopefully wither into obscurity and never talk in a public forum again.  Whatever side you may be on, we will all most likely wake up tomorrow and things will basically be the same. Celebrate this new epoch of sameness with Screenjunkies and some of our link friends. Everyone Likes Sexy Commercials (UNCOACHED) Someone is Stealing the Jonas Brothers Underwear (Webster Is My Bitch) Planet 51 Looks Like Space Shrek For Jerkwads (Unreality Mag) GRAN TORINO REVIEW: GET OFF MY LAWN, GOOK (Filmdrunk) The 5 Worst-Selling Inauguration T-Shirts (Holy Taco)

MLK Day TV Preview

Monday, January 19 by

Here's a sobering MLK DAY factoid for you: 2000 was the first year all 50 states recognized it as a Federal holiday after it was passed as law in 1986. Ponder that a little bit, try to figure out why people wouldn't want a day off work, and then give yourself over to the TV. House is back in action tonight after a 4 week holiday break, and some terrorists are going to piss off Jack Bauer by flying planes into eachother. Your TV lineup after the jump.

Punch Drunk Thug: The Tyson Doc

Monday, January 19 by

I could spend all day listening to the quasi-poetic ramblings of boxing's greatest mouth.  Mike Tyson is the dream realized. Poor kid from a rough neighborhood, no formal education, rising to the top of his sport only to get busted for sexual assault and chewing people's ears off in fights. Now he's still got that face tattoo and a new documentary coming out.And if you are not one of the 6 million people that has see this 'best moments' comp, then do yourself a favor.

Craziest Joaquin Phoenix Moments

Monday, January 19 by

Where the crap is Joaquin still getting all these Quaaludes from? I've been told by dealer after dealer that the world ran out in 1978.  One positive benefit to being a mega star in Hollywood is that you can get access to such awesome drugs and then when you're high enough you can announce to the world that you're going to become a rapper. One really bad part about Hollywood is that you can get access to so many crazy drugs and when you're high enough you can make the terrible mistake of deciding to pursue a rap career. To honor that land of unlimited substances and possibilities, and to continue our ongoing coverage of Joaquin Rappergate, here is a video list of some of his craziest moments. Wonderboying

UPDATE: Joaquin Raps His Way To A Face Plant

Monday, January 19 by

I really hope that you are not out marching for racial justice on this historic MLK Day. Because WWTD posted a clip of Joaquin's AMAZING performance in Vegas this weekend.  Please watch the entire thing. And then please have your say. Is this all a joke or is Phoenix really having one of the most amazing on-camera melt-downs in Hollywood history?More Good Monay Morning Stuff:Ever Wonder What Happend To Steve Gutenberg? (IAMBORED)WATCHING NOTORIOUS IS DANGEROUS (Filmdrunk)Why Fart and Waste It When You Can Burp and Taste It? (Pajiba)WENDY MAKES AMERICA PROUD (Holytaco) 

I Knew You When

Monday, January 19 by

Hello all you Panther fans out there, this is Slammin’ Sammy Meade here welcoming you to another season of Dillon High School football. The first episode tied up a few loose ends left after the strike shortened last year’s team. Smash Williams hurt his knee in a devastating playoff loss, and lost his scholarship. His hopes are still high as we first encounter him doing calisthenics with the legendary Coach Taylor. Toward the end of the summer, Tyra and Landry also apparently called the whole thing off. They remain friends though, which may indicate a willingness to rekindle. Buddy’s ex-wife ran off with the kids to northern California to live with the environmentalist health food nut, leaving Lyla to live with her father. I must say I like this move, and that Buddy is better off without her.

A Good Opportunity

Sunday, January 18 by

It's business time once again from the Middle-Earthian duo Flight of the Conchords. Season two starts off with a meeting between Jemaine, Bret, and their manager Murray, who is more invested in hitmaking machine "The Crazy Dogs" (who have such hits as 'Doggy Bounce,' 'Doggy Dance,' and 'In the Pound') than the struggling Conchords. They fire Murray, who in anger double stuffs Jemaine ('stuff you Jemaine, stuff you Bret, and stuff you again Jemain'), and proceeds to burst into operatic ballad after they leave. The poor guy feels rejected, ejected, and unprotected like a baby in the snow.

BSG RECAP: ‘Sometimes A Great Notion’

Sunday, January 18 by

The title of episode is "Sometimes a Great Notion," which is a direct reference to Ken Kesey's second novel, the one you probably haven't read, but it's really a reference for Kesey's source for that phrase, Lead Belly's version of Goodnight Irene: Sometimes I have a great notion / jumpin into the river and drown.What happens when the dream you've based your entire life upon turns out to be a cruel, cruel lie?  Sometimes you give up.  You jump into the river, let it take you where it will.

Weekend What The F With Joaquin

Saturday, January 17 by

It just keeps getting weirder and weirder with Joaquin. We published an Op Ed that he penned a few months back about his experience as an actor. We also posted the video when he first announced that he would be quitting acting to pursue his "music." We later learned that that "music" would be rap music with rumors of an album produced by Diddy.  But this interview, done last night before his performance in Vegas is winning the battle of bizarre. Apparently Casey Affleck has been making a documentary about this entire process of Phoenix trying to launch his rap career. Which makes me think that this entire thing is just some awesome meta hollywood joke. Please let it be that. Otherwise the closest possibility is that he's addicted to model airplane glue.

Blood, Boobs & Biggie Weekend Movie Lineup

Friday, January 16 by

There's nothing more you could you ask for in a movie that has blood, boobs, and psychopathic killers–in 3D!!! My Bloody Valentine isn't going to be a critic favorite, it's just going to be freakin' fun as hell. Also this weekend– Paul Blart drives his segway around a mall, and Biggie Smalls comes back to cinematic life. But 3D Boobs always prevail. Always.

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