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PARKS AND RECREATION RECAP: THE BANQUET

Friday, May 8 by

Parks and Recreation: The BanquetLeslie begins the episode by regaling the camera crew with the tale of William Bixby Mark, who traded a baby to a tribe of Native Americans for what is now Indianapolis. She then goes on to say that these same Native Americans cut off Mark’s face and crafted a dream-catcher out of it, before making rain-sticks out of his legs. After she praises the resourcefulness of these Natives, who use “every part of the pioneer”) the credits roll, and we’re off!

STAR TREK IN THEATERS NOW

Friday, May 8 by

Of course the big news this weekend is that the J.J. Abrams-helmed Star Trek is playing in wide-release. Reviews have been glowing so far and the movie is sure to rake in the Earth bucks and be a smash hit. Finally! Thanks so much for making Trek sexy and cool. Now I can wear my Spock ears in public without the fear of getting a front-wedgie. Here are more morning headlines…WEREWOLF: THE SERIES finally coming to DVD!!! (Dread Central) Bruce Willis is Obsessed with Beyonce and lawn care. (NY Mag)District 9 teaser poster is not welcoming. (Yahoo)Mike Tyson sings! Please auto-tune. Kthxbai. (The Playlist) Sin City 2: City Of Sin in the works. (Latino Review)More MAD TV. God. Please, why?! (TV Squad) Happy Mother's Day! (THR)

RON JEREMY’S ‘ONE EYED MONSTER’ IS NSFW!

Thursday, May 7 by

One Eyed Monster Trailer – Watch more Movie TrailersThis is the trailer for the film, One Eyed Monster starring Ron Jeremy, available on DVD right now.  It's a horror movie about Jeremy's detached penis going on a rampage, and an adult film crew banding together to stop it, natch.  Somewhere, a Gender Studies professor is already beginning her dissertation on the film as a biting media satire, but I'm pretty sure it's just about a giant dick killing people.  At about 1:59 in the clip, an actor pretty much sums up the movie, and his line delivery is so earnest, he should win an award or something.    Check out the links from some other huge dicks that we fear & respect. Favre's Agent Wants To Win Another Superbowl (MoonDogSports) 10 Hilarious Movies That Got Awful Reviews (UnrealityMag) Mike Tyson Sings Phil Collins (FilmDrunk) Images of Robert Downey Jr. in his Iron Man 2 Suit (Pajiba) '12 Months' In Estonian (Manofest) The Keyboard Cat Should Have co-starred in Garfield 2 (SickPigs) Carla Morgan Is Spankin' Hot (GorillaMask) This Guy's The Life Of THe Party (IAmBored) Star Trek's Most Ridiculous Alien Races (Cracked) Awesome District 9 Trailer (Filmofilia) Manny Ramirez's Steroid Storyboards (Holytaco) Eyes Wide Shut Orgy, Arizona State-style (BustedCoverage) Hotties In The Wild Internet (Uncoached)

10 HOTTEST MOVIE MOMS

Thursday, May 7 by

It's Mother's Day on sunday, and Screenjunkies is saluting the top ten movie moms from whom we wouldn't mind receiving a spanking.  Deciding this was difficult.  We pored over days' worth of DVDs…  held focus groups in top secret testing facilities underneath Beverly Hills… and even phoned our Dads to get their opinions.  What resulted is this list – a virtual who's who of cinematic MILFage from the past twenty years.  You may not agree with them as your personal ten, but you can't deny that if any of them were your mother… then you probably have/had a lot of friends ask to spend the night at your place in high school.Send in the MOMS!!! HALLE BERRY as Leticia Musgrove in Monster's Ball

‘STAR TREK’ STARLET: JENNIFER MORRISON

Thursday, May 7 by

Star Trek officially opens tonight and Mother's Day is Sunday.  How appropriate, then, that we introduce you to Jennifer Morrison, who plays Winona Kirk, the mother of Capt. James Tiberius Kirk, in JJ Abrams' film.  There are several different backstories associated with the character, but no matter what reality you buy into as a Trekker, you can't deny Jennifer's practically playing the mother of god. Where you've seen her before: She's probably most familiar as Dr. Allison from Fox's "House" series, but she's also played Jamie in Grind, Amy in Urban Legends: Final Cut, and Chris in a small 2004 film called Mall Cop, whose makers probably hate their lives right now.Random Quote: "My resume for Cameron has me graduating medical school the year I graduated junior high.”See pictures of Jennifer after the jump:

SCRUBS RECAP: MY FINALE PT. 2

Thursday, May 7 by

In the Scrubs series finale tears are shed, laughs are shared, confessions are made, disputes are resolved, and hugs that should have been distributed years ago are finally given. Morning SexJ.D.’s finale begins in the same place his career with Sacred Heart began eight years ago.  He wakes this morning next to Elliot and thinks back to his first day and all the things that happened then.  He remembers hiding with Elliot in the supplies closet, Kelso’s first unkind words to him, and the time Janitor accused him of sticking a penny in the door, sealing it shut.  J.D. tries to use the fact that it’s his last d ay to score some morning sex, but Elliot isn’t having it.  She tells him that she moved her bed into his apartment, and J.D. realizes that she’s been “sneak-moving” into his new place.  Eventually, J.D. gets his morning sex. Bitter Roast

‘STAR TREK’ REVIEW

Thursday, May 7 by

“Star Trek” has been lying on the emergency room table for a good 10 years now, finally flat-lining with the ultra-flop “Nemesis” back in 2003, and then being confirmed dead when the pitiable TV series “Enterprise” was cancelled in 2005.  After having overcome cancellation, diminishing box office returns, and an increasingly maligned mythology only taken seriously by hardcore fanboys, “Star Trek” looked like it had finally breathed its last  Enter JJ Abrams, who has retooled, rebooted, and re-energized this franchise into a slick, hip, action-packed and character-driven summer blockbuster that will bring in much-needed new fans and please plenty of hard-to-satisfy Trekkies.  The hardcore fans won’t be happy, but then again, are they ever?

‘STAR TREK’ OPENS AT 7PM, PEOPLE!!!

Thursday, May 7 by

  You want to see the new Star Trek, don't you? Don't you?!?! Ok then. Just Google 'star trek showtimes,' and pick from the lot. In the 25 mile radius of theatres around my house, Star Trek is being shown 89 times tonight between it's premiere at 7pm and the midnight screenings. Oh look–There's even a theater playing it every minute! Heck, why not avoid the costumed drunken Klingons and just see it at 3am tomorrow morning on IMAX? And what about you, Enterprise, AL? Or even you, 'Captain' Kirkland, WA? Bottom line, it's playing everywhere, all the the time. And it's going to kick ass. So get your damn tickets already (they're going fast).KHAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!!!In preparation for tonight's festivities, read our review of the film, or check out some Trek video delights after the jump:

DMX With A Bazooka Morning News

Thursday, May 7 by

io9 has uncovered a few clips from the awfulsome direct-to-DVD movie, Lockjaw. I've embedded one of the scenes below. It features DMX fighting a voodoo-created snake-alligator using only his wits and a bazooka. That synopsis is pretty much the tattoo that I was planning on getting. Just watch it already.Lockjaw – Watch more Funny VideosBill Maher uncovers the Susan Boyle sex-tape. (TV Squad)   Kiefer Sutherland probably still drinking. (National Ledger)   Rambo shirt will get you killed everywhere except Mexico. (Cinematical) Ninja trailer looks pretty all right. (Cinema Blend) Whatever Works poster highlights LD's junk. (First Showing)

LIKE MOTHER, LIKE SON! HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

Wednesday, May 6 by

Mothers Day Card 03 – Watch more Funny Videos

WHO’S LAUGHING AT WHO THIS MOTHER’S DAY?!

Wednesday, May 6 by

Mothers Day Card 02 – Watch more Funny Videos

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, FROM YOUR BIGGEST FAN!

Wednesday, May 6 by

Mothers Day Card 04 – Watch more Funny Videos

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, FROM YOUR ‘LITTLE SCREWUP!’

Wednesday, May 6 by

Mothers Day Card 01 – Watch more Funny Videos

THIS MOTHER’S DAY, HEADS UP, MA!

Wednesday, May 6 by

Mothers Day Card 05 – Watch more Funny Videos

SUCK ON MY SINATRA!

Wednesday, May 6 by

Give em Hell Malone Cannes Trailer – Watch more Funny VideosCheck out the Cannes trailer for Thomas Jane and Ving Rhames in Give 'em Hell, Malone, a Dashiell Hammet-inspired detective flick directed by Russell Mulcahey, who also helmed The Scorpion King 2, Resident Evil: Extinction and AC/DC: Family Jewels. The shameless title of this post is in reference to a character's line at about 1:54 in the clip, a line that has already solidified its place on a tee-shirt and bumper sticker somewhere, I'm sure. Frightening Star Trek Fans (Manofest) Lucy Pinder poses nude with Wolverine claws.  (FilmDrunk) Supreme Court Nominee Effects Sports Law (MoonDogSports) Jenna Lee Fox Business Network Interview (WallStreetFighter) Frank The Tank Joins 'Neighborhood Watch' (Pajiba) Misty Dawns Spank Bank (GorillaMask) Awesome Star Wars Wedding (IAmBored) 10 Popular Porn Scenarios (Cracked) Transformers 2 News (filmofilia) Clash Of The Titans Set Pics (DreadCentral) Office Etiquette Instruction (HolyTaco) Kentucky Derby Bikini (BustedCoverage) Snow Monkeys Are Too Human Like (Uncoached) Ryan Reynolds Is DeadPool (Unreality) What To Do If You Notice You're On Fire (TomOatmeal) Doctor Parnassus Screens In L.A. (ThePlaylist) Dude Fails At Carnival Hammer (NothingToxic)

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