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LAZIEST REVIEW OF THE MONTH: Underworld 3

Wednesday, January 28 by

I'm not an alcoholic. But sometimes I think that the steady flow of beer and whisky for the past 12 years has washed away a lot of my memories. It doesn't help that we live in a society where we are inundated by media. It's impossible to keep track of everything you've seen, and the similar things tend to get squashed together because your brain needs to create categories to file everything. If we retained the plot points of all the movies we'd seen over our lives we would have to forget other things, like how to boil water or what a transmission is. What I'm saying is that I had seen the two previous Underworld movies but could not, for the life of me, remember what the crap they were about.

Sexy Banned PETA Commercial

Wednesday, January 28 by

Whatever your stance on the treatment of animals or the health benefits of a vegetarian diet may be, we can all come together and agree on one thing: it would just be super to be that pumpkin at the 14 second mark. Or the asparagus at 17 seconds. Or the pumpkin once again at 20 seconds. Man I want to be that pumpkin. It's a shame that NBC has banned this commercial which was supposed to play during the Super Bowl. There are two possibilities. Either the National Cattlemen’s Beef Association has organized a giant consipracy to fight the airing such seditious material, or every single network exec at NBC is gay. Those are your options. You decide.

My Cookie Pants

Wednesday, January 28 by

Dr. Cox is offered a position as Chief of Medicine and Kelso takes a moment from mowing down his muffins to lay out the limited pros and abundant cons of the job.  Elliot looks to Turk for ways in which to make J.D. happy, and J.D. is still hard at work trying to get Joe to be a bit more sensitive. SSDD Dr. Cox and Kelso begin the morning like any other by exchanging some nasty words.  Cox takes a minute to reflect that Sacred Heart has become a captainless ship since Kelso's retirement.  As if to prove this point, the Janitor walks by the two of them, dressed in scrubs and covered in blood.  "That can't be good," Cox mutters.  Kelso confesses that Sacred Heart is in need of a new Chief of Medicine. Cookie pants

My ABCs

Wednesday, January 28 by

Season 8, Episode 155: MY ABCs J.D., Turk, Elliot, and Dr. Cox struggle with their new interns who are taking their first baby steps as doctors. J.D. fantasizes that the halls of Sacred Heart are overrun with Sesame Street characters, who help him to teach his new interns the basics. Kindred spirits Dr. Cox is doing rounds with the interns and is unsurprisingly annoyed by them.  As he grills Katie for giving a wrong answer, Ed–a relaxed, brainy intern–steps in and shows Dr. Cox what he's got.  As it turns out, Ed knows everything and Cox can't stump him. Ed coins the term "Zwah!", which is what you say when you show someone up.  Cox begins to wonder what it is he hates about Ed and calls upon the Janitor for insight, arguing that the Janitor and he are kindred spirits in the sense that they generally hate people.  Kelso proposes that perhaps Cox hates Ed because he really hates himself. Eenie-Meenie

Tuesday Night TV

Tuesday, January 27 by

Tonight's TV gives you the choice of an hour's worth of absurd comedy from the brilliant people at Scrubs, OR an hour's worth of Fringe where the team has to find out why people's brains are being liquefied (then presumably mixed with Hennessy and sipped).Plenty more brain juice after the jump.

The Mutant Chronicles Trailer

Tuesday, January 27 by

Director: Simon Hunter Cast: Thomas Jane, Ron Perlman, John Malkovich, Anna Walton, Devon Aoki Synopsis: In the year 2707, a group of ragtag soldiers and religious faithfuls must travel to the vast underworld to fight hordes of deadly mutants and shutdown the mysterious 'Machine' to save mankind. Genre: Sci-Fi & Fantasy Release Date: April 24, 2009

Spielberg And Smith To Gang Bang Oldboy Morning News

Tuesday, January 27 by

Steven  Spielberg has drafted Will Smith into his quest to continue to take a dump on movies you hold in high esteem. This time it's Oldboy. The pair is just "in talks" at the moment and nothing official has been started. I like Will Smith, only because I don't dislike him. I also don't dislike the affordable and dependable Toyota Camry, Cinnabon, and MSNBC. They are all totally non threatening. Here's what's happening in Hollywood.   Oldboy Remake: Something Less Than Stunning? (Playlist) Hillary Duff And Guy To Go On Murderous Rampage (Filmdrunk) Marvel Gets Self Sued For $750 Million (Filmonic) Scott Bakula Not Dead, Will Be On The TV (Commingsoon) Racist Comic Book To Be Made Into Movie (/Film)

12 Art House Babes

Monday, January 26 by

It's a rare thing when a woman can appeal to both your brain and your boner. But through a blend of sexiness, quirk, smarts, and style, the following women have ingratiated themselves to our best and worst intentions. Keep up the good work, ladies.

Full Goemon Trailer

Monday, January 26 by

Director: Kazuaki Kiriya Cast: Yosuke Eguchi, Takao Osawa, Ryoko Hirosue, Jun Kaname, Gori Synopsis: The Director of retro-futurist, mech, sci-fi fantasy Casshern returns with Goemon, a visual epic about Japanese folk hero Ishikawa Goemon, a Robin Hood-esque ninja. Genre: Fantasy Release Date: December 1, 2009

1PM-2PM

Monday, January 26 by

Larry Moss demands a broader search for Bauer and Almeida during a speech to his whole department at FBI techno-thief headquarters. He's also starting to lose it over the possibiliy of Walker's death.Buchanan and Chloe arrive at Walker's temporary grave to unbury her. She's not breathing. "Get the adrenaline!" They pierce her heart with it, and she wakes up.Bauer asks Emerson how he got Almeida out of CTU. He explains this story about how Mr. Anderson intentionally missed his artery as he was injecting him with poision, and that Emerson's role was cultivate Almeida into a vengeful machine to use against Bauer. Almeida starts crying? Talking about brothers (he and Emerson) taking care of eachother? Lame.They get to the drop off point at an airport hangar where Emerson disarms Bauer and holds a gun up to his head. Almeida caps the other guy, and after an intense "take the shot!" sort of thing, Tony shoots Emerson dead.

Big Baby

Monday, January 26 by

Tonight I had a friend tell me that House is like a hospital based version of Law and Order. Although I have never particularly been a fan of Law and Order, I can see where this assessment is coming from. Both shows are investigative, have whacky multi-directional plot twists, and are based around characters with strong attitudes. Maybe I should start watching more Law and Order.

Knuckle Deep Monday Night Preview

Monday, January 26 by

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend. Jack Bauer spent it giving ladies the shocker (pictured above). Mine consisted of book shelving, cheap wine, and witnessing a midget dressed as Britney Spears strip to her underwear (Lil Wayne concert = worth the money). Tonight, House cares for a special ed teacher, and 24 heats up with Bauer starting to make his moves against the bad guys he's currently working for (crossing my fingers for a terrorist attack!). One of the greatest/funniest/golfiest movies of all time is also on tonight. More after the jump.

Tami Knows Best

Monday, January 26 by

Welcome back to Panther Nation all you friends of the yellow and blue. This week, we had an eventful installment as our Panthers played the Laribee Lions, Tim Riggins received interest from none other than the Oklahoma Sooners, Tami took on the town in her bid to reallocate the Jumbotron funds, Tyra Collette was elected senior class President, and Matt Saracen paid his estranged mother a visit. If you were a bit apprehensive after last week’s episode, rest assured that the Texas high school football gods heard your prayers and made it up to you this week.

Dead Guy, Nazi, and Homosexual Win Top Honors At SAG Awards

Monday, January 26 by

Ahh, the Hollywood Circle Jerk continues as award season gets into full swing with the adulations of the Screen Actors Guild being dished out last night. And the bottom line is this: Slumdog Millionaire is the best movie that has ever been made in the history of movies. That and more in your post-weekend, am news roundup.Corpse of Heath Ledger Dug Up, Paraded Around (/Film)Lycans Get Blarted (Filmdrunk)Seth Rogen Loses All That Fat For No Reason (JoBlo)Robert Downey Jr. Is James Bond, 1891 Style (Playlist)

BSG Recap: A Disquiet Follows My Soul

Sunday, January 25 by

If last week's episode was all about giving up, then this is about starting over.  Which makes sense, as this episode was really all about setting up the endgame of the entire series. Also: more unfit fathers than an entire Joss Whedon series!

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