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‘BRUNO’ VS. ‘BETH COOPER’: THE DIVA CHART

Thursday, July 9 by

Friday marks the release of two "major" films, and both of them star celebrities who have lusted after Milo Ventimiglia.  I Love You, Beth Cooper tells the story of an unrequited high school crush. Brüno tells the story of… well, you’ve seen Borat right?  It's like that, but with different accents and a lot more butt sex jokes.  But here we are in the middle of July with not a single cat fight. Even Mariah Carey is playing nice with Janet Jackson! So, we went ahead and charted out the Diva War, blow by blow, to determine who'll be box office champion of the weekend! Actually, it's pretty obvious Brüno's gonna sweep the floor with Hayden's alabaster locks, but let's give each side a fair shake.Here you are, the scientific breakdown of each person’s worth (sums it up well):

WHAT TO WATCH ON TV TONIGHT: THURSDAY, JULY 9th, 2009

Thursday, July 9 by

Don't worry, dearest readers. we've once again combed through the listings to bring to you the bestest, mostest interestingest television viewing options for the evening. Unless, of course, you're into Samantha Who? and Grey's Anatomy. In which case, what the mother-effing eff are you doing here?  Go read Holy Taco… girl.FIND OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP…

‘I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER’ ACTRESS LAUREN STORM

Thursday, July 9 by

In the trailer for I Love You, Beth Cooper, someone whispers about the arrival of "The Trinity."  We've already covered one third of these lovely ladies, Lauren London, and we have faith that you can find photos of Hayden Panettiere on your own.  That leaves us with Lauren Storm, the final piece of the puzzle.  She's mostly done TV up to this point, with roles on "Malcom In The Middle," "24," and "Flight 29 Down," but this could prove to be her breakthrough into mainstream movies.  At least we hope so.  She also is owner of the funniest IMDB trivia section ever, which simply reads: "Jewish."A word from Lauren: "I don't watch a whole lot of TV, but when I have time I watch a lot of HBO. I think they have really good quality television. And I think they have really well made products."While Lauren is angling to get a job on an HBO show, you can check out hot photos of her.  After the jump, of course!

MICHAEL BAY’S EARTH EVAC LIST

Thursday, July 9 by

HAYDEN PANETTIERE’S BODY…OF WORK

Thursday, July 9 by

You remember the little girl from Remember The Titans? Yes you do. Don't you sit there and lie to me. You know damn well you watched that movie and said to yourself, "That girl is gonna be hot someday." Then you said, "Is that weird of me to say that? Does that make me a pedophile?" And the answer is," Don't look now, but Chris Hansen is standing behind you."Regardless of your deviance, we can all agree that Hayden grew up from this…All the way into this very attractive and very legal woman.    In honor of Miss Panettiere starring in I Love You, Beth Cooper this Friday, let's follow her career path starting with her breakout role and see how Hayden's… ahem… developed. "HEROES"

R-RATED “FUNNY PEOPLE” TRAILER

Thursday, July 9 by

FUNNY PEOPLE Red Band Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos Here we have the red-band trailer for Judd Apatow's Funny People. In this release they've taken the focus off all that cancer/dying bidness in order to focus on the jokes. And, well… honestly the stand-up in this clip is a little weak. I'm really hoping that the filmmakers are saving the best punchlines for the film itself because I really want this movie to be great. Unfortunately right now I have to agree with that humorless German at the trailer's end. Sorry. "Humorless German" is a redundant term. Check out this morning's top headlines… Megan Fox is all teeth. (Dread Central) Cameron Diaz is considering Green Hornet role. (EW) Syfy wants to bring Quantum Leap back(ula). (Pajiba) Larry King don't believe in no ghosts. (TV Squad) Season two of Dollhouse already getting the dizzick. (NY Mag)

FIRST 8 MINUTES OF ‘THE HURT LOCKER’ – WARNING: SPOILERS!!!

Wednesday, July 8 by

Seems we have a hankerin' for purée de ballsack today, because this 8-minute clip from The Hurt Locker popped up on Hulu not too long ago and we couldn't resist posting it.  If you haven't read our review of the film – currently in limited release – AND you enjoy verbal fellation, bone up here. The above opening scene sets the anything-goes tone but doesn't quite do the theatrical experience justice.  Word to the wise, should you decide to see The Hurt Locker at the cinema, you'll need to make sure your underpants have their own pocket organizer so they can pencil in a reminder about their inevitable meeting with a Mr. Poop Fromyourbutt.  He took several meetings with various pairs of undergarments in my screening.

NEW ‘DISTRICT 9′ TRAILER WILL PURÉE YOUR BALLS

Wednesday, July 8 by

DISTRICT 9 Official Trailer – Watch more Movie TrailersThe latest full-length trailer for District 9 has just debuted and to put it simply, "Gagagagooooooo!" *slaps face with both hands repeatedly, does double take with eyes wide like saucers* Arresting visuals? Check. Compelling plot? Double check! Mech suits that might rival Avatar? I'm not sacrilegious. It's like they put Signs, Iron Man, and Slumdog Millionaire into a blender but instead of setting to "Blend" they went straight to "Purée Your Balls Awesome." And now my balls are but a frothy soup. So much for having children, I guess. Is it wrong that I'm totally okay with this?HERE ARE TODAY'S LINKS THAT WILL AT LEAST JULIENNE YOUR BALLS!Rachel Mestonen Is Hot (Gorillamask) Corey Feldman's Doodles At Michael Jackson's Memorial Service (Holytaco) Apparently, There Is Going To Be A MacGruber Movie (Filmdrunk) The 50 Most Bizarre Google Earth Images (Manofest) Finally – A Battleship Drinking Game! (Walyou) Words Of Wisdom From 80s Comedies (Pajiba) 6 Badass Tricks You Can Do With Fire… That Could Kill You (Cracked) 70s-Style 2012 Trailer?  Hell Yes. (Sickpigs) "We Are The World," Except Done By Japanese People (Coedmagazine) Madonna Looks Strong… Scarily Strong… (Celebjihad) 8 Signs I Might Give It Up Tonight (Mademan) Does Having A Day Job Make You A Tough Fighter? (Cagepotato) 20 Badass Video Game Cosplay Costumes (Unreality) 8 Women-Approved Tips From Pickup Bootcamp (Asylum) We Can Only Hope Charles Furbush Makes It To The Majors (Bustedcoverage) The Best Slim Jim Commercials Of All Time (Uncoached) Cuddle Parties Sound Really Cool (Regretfulmorning) Manliness Of Yesteryear: The Duel (Bachelorguy) Teenage Boy Tries To Sell Nude Photos Of His Mom… Very Weird (Moondogsports) Gangsters Knock A Dude Out, Get Their Asses Kicked (Nothingtoxic) Pick Your Favorite Star Wars Fan Film (Atomfilms) Harry Potter 6 Ticket Sales Outpace Transformers 2, Will Most Likely Be Better Film (Filmofilia)

WHAT TO WATCH ON TV TONIGHT: WEDNESDAY JULY 8TH, 2009

Wednesday, July 8 by

Alright Junkies, we're halfway through the week. You did it. You're a champ. Why not reward yourself by relaxing by the soft, cathode flicker of your television whilst sipping the finest of boxed wines? We've got some pretty great suggestions for tonight but felt it necessary to point out a strange programming phenomenon that is also taking place. While combing the listings we noticed programs called "15 and Pregnant", "16 and Pregnant" and "Obese and Pregnant" are all airing at some point across three different channels. Who's getting all these teenagers and morbidly obese women pregnant? I want an APB on Tracy Morgan immediately. See what to watch after the jump…

‘BRUNO’ VICTIM BRITTNY GASTINEAU

Wednesday, July 8 by

Bruno comes out this Friday, which inevitably means that a bunch of real people are going to look very dumb to the general movie-going public that day as well.  Socialite/model Brittny Gastineau is one of the many in this group.  She assists Bruno in his attempt to infiltrate American television, to the expected hilarious result.  While she manages to look stupid in amazingly offensive ways (you'll understand when you see the movie), she also maintains an incredibly high hotness quotient, thereby putting her lack of intelligence or social tact in the "who gives a sh*t?" category for most of the males watching her in the flick.A Word From Brittny (Via Twitter): "Doing laser hair removal at dr frank ryans office and boyy does it HURT!!! I'm such a baby"Eloquent words from Ms. Gastineau.  Hopefully her insightful Tweeting will help rebuild her image after the movie… Oh, who are we kidding?  She's still hot, and that's all that matters.  Speaking of which, check out more smokin' photos of Brittny after the jump!

“G.I. JOE” PUBLICITY STUNT INVADES JERSEY SHORE

Wednesday, July 8 by

A tipster wrote in to Latino Review to report a strange publicity stunt that they witnessed over the Fourth of July weekend. New Jersey beachgoers were surprised when a black helicopter emblazoned with the GI Joe logo appeared and hovered over the water. A stunt person then dangled from a rope ladder on the bottom of the copter.That's definitely a strange way to promote your movie. I heard that further north in Paramus they actually had Storm Shadow cut some people in half. More morning news for yous… Aaron Sorkin Wrote A Facebook Script. Several people like this. (/Film) SNL's MacGruber adds Val Kilmer and Ryan Phillipe. (Cinema Blend) Tobey Maguire is at war with raccoons. (Empire) 100 Bullets adaptation may be headed to HBO. (MTV)El Superbeasto goes straight to DVD. (Cinematical)

The Michael and Michael Interview

Tuesday, July 7 by

By Patrick Schumacker

TRAILER FOR ‘BIG FAN’ STARRING PATTON OSWALT

Tuesday, July 7 by

BIG FAN Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers Robert Siegel made a big splash with critics when he scripted The Wrestler and it looks like he's going to be lauded copiously once again. The trailer for his directorial debut Big Fan has hit the 'Net and it looks like an novel concept. Patton Oswalt stars as a repressed toll-booth worker who gets beat down by his NFL hero. The trailer does a good job of pulling me in. Although I don't need another place to watch an Italian family scream at one another.  I get my fix of that with reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.Get Your Evening Fix Of Hot Girls, Hilarity, and Weird-Ass News With These Links: Carrie Lachance Has A Lot Of Interesting Skimpy Outfits (Gorillamask) The Oldest Bible Seems Very Familiar (Holytaco) Slumdog Millionaire Actor Moves Into A Nice Apartment (Filmdrunk) Like Beer Pong Or Not, This Video Is Amazing (Manofest) Tetris Wall Shelves: For Those Whose Walls Aren't Nerdy Enough (Walyou) The Big Fan Trailer Has Patton Oswalt Playing Serious (Pajiba) The 6 Best Movies Where People Are Hunted For Sport (Cracked) How To Not Be a Douchebag New Yorker In NYC (Coedmagazine) Michael Jackson Buried Beside His Dead Career (Celebjihad) How To Build A Kegerator (Mademan) How not to Pick Up Your Co-Worker (Man in the Box) Rampage Jackson Almost Succeeds In Impregnating Reporter (Cagepotato) Where Are They Now?  The Cast Of Predator (Unreality) How To Avoid A Terrible Road Trip Experience (Asylum) Video Proof That Mets Fans Are Tools (Bustedcoverage) Chong Li From Bloodsport: Now 71, Can Still Beat You Up (Uncoached) 12 Items That Shouldn't Be Available Used On Amazon (Regretfulmorning) 5 Tips For Keeping Your Shoes Like New (Bachelorguy) Which MLB Division Leader Will Not Make The Playoffs? (Moondogsports)

Big Fan

Tuesday, July 7 by

Director: Robert D. Siegel Cast: Patton Oswalt, Kevin Corrigan Synopsis: A die-hard New York Giants fan finds himself at difficult crossroads when he is severely beaten by his favorite player. Genre: Drama Release Date: August 28, 2009

WHAT TO WATCH ON TV TONIGHT: TUESDAY, JULY 7th, 2009

Tuesday, July 7 by

  Alright, it's that time of day again for us to provide a handy guide of tonight's worthwhile television offerings you need to watch. Of course, that's assuming that you're not worn out from watching Michael's all-day memorial. No pressure but if you feel so inclined to turn down "Beat It" for a few hours.  We got your back. See what to watch after the jump:

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