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WHAT NATURAL DISASTER MOVIES TEACH US

Wednesday, April 22 by

Hollywood has always made itself feel better by producing films with an environmental message.  But generally, behind the wafer-thin veil of humanitarian morality play is a big-budget special effects and explosions.  Or sometimes it’s just Kevin Costner.  Still, many of Hollywood’s “cautionary” Natural Disaster Movies have given us some great dialogue and exchanges that will stand the test of time, and keep teaching our children’s children’s children important lessons until the ozone layer depletes and they are incinerated like ants under a massive magnifying glass.  *cockroaches rejoice in a long-awaited victory* Here are some of those great pieces of Natural Disaster film dialogue, and what we can learn from them:  

Mary Lynn Rajskub From ’24′ Makes Jokes At the Expense of a Dying Earth

Wednesday, April 22 by

Check out this heartfelt promo that ran on Fox featuring Mary Lynn Rajskub from 24 reminding us all that going green is a group effort. GO GREEN WITH GIRL FROM 24 – Watch more Funny VideosI hope that Mary's 24 residuals are enough to cover her food, water and utilities in the cave she'll be hiding in for the next ten years so that angry Greenpeace types don't find her and strap her to a Killer Whale.  Yes, that is precisely how Greenpeace exacts their revenge upon public figures like Mary, who've obviously been contractually forced to participate in these sorts of misfires, well meaning as they may be. That's why Greenpeace's slogan is "No mercy."

‘THE HURT LOCKER’ TRAILER

Wednesday, April 22 by

NISPEL’S EQUATION: ‘CRANK’ + ‘TAKEN’ = PACEMAKER

Wednesday, April 22 by

According to Production Weekly, Marcus Nispel, director of both the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th remakes, is attached to direct Pacemaker, written by Lars Jacobsen.  Jacobsen's only other credits are as writer/director/producer of Baby Blues, a psychological thriller about post-mortem depression, and as writer of C.O.D., in development at Dreamworks.  Pacemaker is described as "Crank meets Taken," which unfortunately results in the portmanteau Tank.  Also, with a name like Pacemaker, it conjures up a "Crank meets Cocoon" pitch line.  What?  You'd see that?  And you'd like to see the promotional one-sheet?  Right now?  In the room?  So glad you asked…

‘FIGHTING’ OPENS FRIDAY; WIN TIX TO ‘UFC 98′

Wednesday, April 22 by

This Friday, April 24th, you can catch Terrence Howard and Channing Tatum hustling and busting heads (respectively – Howard's a lover, not a fighter) in the aptly named Fighting, directed by Dito Montiel, who helmed the underrated A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints.  Check out the trailer. Fighting Trailer – Watch more Movie TrailersAlso, if you head to Break.com and Cage Potato's fancy Fighting page, you can watch some bloody, badass underground MMA videos and WIN A CHANCE TO ATTEND U.F.C. 98!  I, like Howard, am a lover and not a fighter, so I will only be watching on the TV, so as to avert my eyes from the violence in private.  I am also like Howard in that I will not be playing War Machine in Iron Man 2. 

Fighting

Wednesday, April 22 by

Director: Dito Montiel Cast: Channing Tatum, Terrence Howard, Cung Le, Luis Guzmán, Zulay Henao Synopsis: In New York City, a young counterfeiter (Tatum) is introduced to the world of underground street fighting by a seasoned scam artist (Howard), who becomes his manager on the bare-knuckling brawling circuit. Genre: Drama Release Date: April 24, 2009

Morning News Got Game

Wednesday, April 22 by

The Controller tells the riveting tale of a video game CEO who must save his wife from kidnappers. How must he save her, you ask? By playing XBox Live of course. Finally a movie that DARES to capture all of the exhilaration of watching somebody else play video games. I've posted the "exciting" trailer below. The special effects in this movie are anything but. I can't tell if they are supposed to be finalized graphics or a work print of Iron Man 2. More morning news… Andy Samberg is a penis baby in this chuckle-inducing Movie Awards promo. (MTV)Movie Star Death Tolls (Premiere) Hugh Jackman vandalizes sidewalk. (Reuters) Jason Statham is the new Charles Bronson. (/film)Dimension picks up hot college girl script. (Empire)Funny People photos and interview reveal fat guy on a tiny bike. (Playlist) 

‘WANTED 2′ PRODUCER MILLAR FLINGS POOH BACK AT HATERS

Tuesday, April 21 by

Everyone has been up in arms over the fact that the sequel to wanted is going to be written by an unknown who’s only real credit is “Pooh’s Heffalump movie.” Which everyone agrees is the Wanted of animated films. Today, the film’s producer (and Wanted creator) Mark Millar defended the choice:“This guy is supposed to be really good. He did a GREAT action script recently (on an unproduced movie) and that’s what got him this gig.”I love that the producer said the writer was “supposed to be really good.” I was really hoping his next line was going to be “I mean, I haven’t read anything he’s written but someone told me he was good, and that was enough for me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Now if you'll excuse me, I have to come up with a lie as to why I can't attend my child's parent teacher conference." I feel like people should cut this writer some slack. It’s not like he’s writing the sequel to Shawshank redemption. It’s Wanted. Bullets fly around. There are hot chicks, and people die. You can pretty much rearrange those phrases in each scene, add voice over, and you’ve got a sequel. Let’s see what he comes up with.

EVEN MICHAEL BAY’S SMALL INDIE FILMS ARE ON STEROIDS

Tuesday, April 21 by

Okay Okay…Point Break…And Body Builders! (FilmDrunk)Racial Harmony Furniture (Manofest)Frost Wrestles Nixon (Pajiba)Marlee Magidson Is Spankin Hot (GorillaMask)Hilarious Toy Failures (IAmBored)5 Ways To Make Water Magic (Cracked)Away We Go To Hit Festivals (Filmofilia)Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (DreadCentral)Steven Seagal Is Awesome (Unreality)Spotting Fake Yahoo Questions (HolyTaco)Hot Bikini Body (BustedCoverage)Lea. Viglione. Is. Hot (UnCoached)Brett Ratner Does Milli Vanilli (ThePlaylist)

MIDGETS VS. MASCOTS!

Tuesday, April 21 by

When you hear the title Midgets vs. Mascots, you probably have an image in your sick little head of Midgets fighting Mascots.  Turns out you'd be right in this case.  The film, Midgets vs. Mascots premiers this weekend at the Tribeca Film Festival.  My how their artistic standards have dropped.  Why, I remember but a few years ago my Colonoscopy musical was rejected after the second round:Midgets vs. Mascots Trailer – Watch more Funny VideosMidgets vs. Mascots is a shockumentary featuring a wide variety of celebs including Ron Jeremy and Gary Coleman.  Both Midgets and Mascots must fight each other in a wide variety of extreme contests to win a million dollar prize. It Screens all weekend at Tribeca and if you want info on how to see it live, Click Here

NEW X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE PROMO

Tuesday, April 21 by

There's only a week and a half 'til X-Men Origins: Wolverine drops, and Fox is making its last ditch efforts for a big opening weekend.  Here's the newest promo with some direct-addresses from Emma Frost, Blob, Stryker, Gambit, Wolverine and a few others. Wolverine TV Promo – Watch more Funny Videos It's like Marvel's version of a Nike Women's soccer commercial.  Like Mutants are the equivalent of Mia Hamm, who was told as a girl that sports are for men, but whose will eventually triumphed.  Or maybe it's a Visa anti-identity theft spot from back in the late '90s.  See what I mean with an unofficial 'junkie-tized Wolvie promo after the jump:

KILLER MOVIE DEATHS

Tuesday, April 21 by

By Mike HammerIn showbiz everybody wants to finish with a big bang. In these movies … unfortunate bad guys hit the end of the road…hard. In fact, these finishing touches come garnished with meltdowns, eviscerations, suffocations and occasionally a delightful animal flesh feast. The following are the best of the big screens, not-so-happy…but always ball-clenching endings.  We hope you can make it through to the finish.     Death Toll   The Godfather, 1972

20 KILLER MOVIE DEATHS

Tuesday, April 21 by

In showbiz everybody wants to finish with a big bang. In these movies … unfortunate bad guys hit the end of the road…hard. In fact, these finishing touches come garnished with meltdowns, eviscerations, suffocations and occasionally a delightful animal flesh feast. The following are the best of the big screens, not-so-happy…but always ball-clenching endings.  We hope you can make it through to the finish.     Death Toll   The Godfather, 1972Sonny (James Caan) gets spectacularly snuffed when he leaves the Corleone compound and hits the highway to go into Manhattan and kick the crap out of brother-in-law Carlo for beating up his sister, Connie. Sadly, the toll booth traffic proves a lot tougher than usual when hot-headed Sonny gets sandwiched between two sedans whose wheelmen hop out with machine guns and unload enough lead into his La Bonza to rebuild Baghdad and leave him look like puddle of bloody Bolognese sauce on the side of the road.  

Hipster Love Morning News

Tuesday, April 21 by

A new trailer is up for Paper Heart. The documentary that won a screenwriting award this year at Sundance (makes sense). It stars Charlyne Yi as a girl who does not believe in love and her real-life boyfriend Michael Cera as a boy who believes in dressing like a middle-schooler. What a cute couple! I think we can all agree that their offspring will look like something out of Jim Henson's sketchbook. Check out the trailer at /film.Here's the morning news. Ja Holy Sh*t!! Slumdog dad tried to sell his kid!! (NY Mag) The Thing cake. It's slobbering time! (AMFMPM)Bale and Wahlberg trade blows. (Variety) More ladies flock to Zack Snyder's Sucker Punch. (Hollywood Reporter) The State finally arrives on DVD reminding us all how long ago high school was. (MTV) 

FIRST ‘ALICE IN WONDERLAND’ PIC

Monday, April 20 by

The new issue of Empire covers Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, with new pics and an interview with Burton, too.  Above is a still of Alice about to head down the rabbit hole.  It makes you wonder what she's going to see on the other side.  We've speculated and our team of indentured artists have rendered some possible outcomes.  Here's one: More possibilities after the jump.

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