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Lane, Malkovich, Silly Hats: ‘Secretariat’ Trailer

Thursday, April 29 by

Just in time for the Oaks Celebration of the 136th Kentucky Derby, we have the trailer for Secretariat. Directed by Randall Wallace, it stars Diane Lane as a horse owner with a vagina (GASP!), that attempts to lead her thoroughbred to Triple Crown glory. John Malkovich co-stars as the horse's trainer and personal stylist. Here that swelling score? That means you can lump this one into Disney's growing catalogue of "Animals Who Defy the Odds to Blow Your F*cking Mind." To differentiate it from Seabiscuit, the filmmakers could have taken a few liberties with the material. My suggestion: the true story of a horse who ate too much, and lounged around like he was in the Caribbean. Here's an artist's interpretation of what that may look like. Check out the trailer after the jump. Secretariat charges into theaters October 8, 2010.

Princess Leia Bikini Car Wash

Thursday, April 29 by

Princess Leia Bikini Car Wash – Watch more Funny VideosMay cause heart palpitations, nausea, and even death in some nerds. Watch with extreme caution, and a Darth Vader mask on. (FilmDrunk)

SECRETARIAT

Thursday, April 29 by

Director: Randall WallaceCast: Diane Lane, John Malkovich, James Cromwell, Dylan WalshSynopsis: The life story of Penny Chenery, owner of the racehorse Secretariat, who won the Triple Crown in 1973.Release Date: October 8, 2010

Fox to Remake ‘Taken’ and Call It ‘Commando’

Thursday, April 29 by

Ah, now all the kids on my bus route will get my Commando references. Fox has hired David Ayer (Harsh Times, Street Kings) to write and direct a remake of THE BEST FILM EVER. A former Navy soldier, Ayer is putting his own real world spin on the character formerly played by Schwarzenegger. This time around, the elite commando on a mission to rescue his daughter will be "less brawny, but more skilled in covert tactics and weaponry."Ayer now needs to figure out how to make the film car-centric. That's the only bump on the road to getting Jason Statham to agree to star. (Deadline)

Crying Guy Helps Out Harry and the Hendersons

Wednesday, April 28 by

Harry Hendersons Best Cry Mash Up – Watch more Funny VideosCrying Guy feels your pain, Harry.(special thanks to Mark from Found Footage Fest for the assist)These links will cheer you up. Ricky Gervais to Host 2011 Golden Globes (Moviefone)Porn Star Rescues Man from Jail Sentence (Asylum)Jim Carrey is Acting Weirder Than Usual (PopEater)25 Ladies in Corsets (HolyTaco)Pete Hammond's an 'Iron Man 2' Whore (FilmDrunk)Werner Herzog Reads Where's Waldo (Unreality)Girl + Fitness Ball = Epic Face Plant (TotalProSports)If Ninjas Made a Wall Callendar (Maxim)Josh Barnett Plans His Fake Fighting Future (CagePotato)Leighton Meester Long Legs Megapost (CelebJihad)13 People Over 100 Doing Crazy Stuff (Smosh)10 Hottest Gingers (Pajiba)Mustache Gun (Atom)Cheapest Workouts fro Men (MadeMan)What It's Like to Ride in a Stock Car (AllLeftTurns)

J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg Might Make a Movie Together

Wednesday, April 28 by

"J.J., if you touch me again, I'll end you."Vulture's got some craaaaaaazy news, y'all. J.J. Abrams next movie will supposedly be both a tribute and a collaboration with his father from another lover Steven Spielberg. From Vulture's mysterious inside source:An insider tells us that Abrams is just now finishing a script described as “a tip of the hat to [Spielberg’s] movies of the 70’s and early 80’s.” We’re also told that Abrams plans to “roll up his sleeves and direct the script himself” by early this fall for Paramount Pictures, where he's based.Plot details are top secret – as if there’s any other kind of plot detail in Abramsland — but we’re told that like Spielberg’s Jaws, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and E.T., the project will deal with everyday people whose personal relationships are tested when they are thrown up against extraordinarily fantastic – and possibly other-worldly – events.So THAT'S what you've been up to, Abrams, you wily S.O.B. You've been writing a shark/alien movie for you to direct and Spielberg to produce. The title for the film is being kept under lock and key and dirt and lead blanket, but Bearsharktopus would clearly be most apted. And if it's about anything other than a hybrid bear-shark-octopus, I'm not sure I want anything to do with it.

Bill Condon Will Direct ‘Breaking Dawn’

Wednesday, April 28 by

"Follow me, Edward. Onto a project far gayer."Oscar-winner Bill Condon (Kinsey, Dreamgirls, Gods and Monsters, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh) is ready to swell the hearts of weepy teenaged girls everywhere. Just like Cinn-a-bon.Summit has announced that they have tasked him with directing the spell-binding romance and shirtless dudefest that is Twilight: Breaking Dawn. “I’m very excited to get the chance to bring the climax of this saga to life on-screen," said Condon. Which is fine, as long as he doesn't bring it on my Edward Man-Pillow. The Wayans Brothers are said to already be accepting breakdancing werewolf applicants for Twilte: To The Break-a Break-a Dawn. I'm kidding, of course. But how soon until this actually goes into production?

Signs Point to Yes for ‘Magic 8 Ball: The Movie’

Wednesday, April 28 by

Is a movie based on a soothsaying billiard ball unnecessary? As I see it, yes. Will that prevent Paramount from making an action-adventure film based on Mattell's Magic 8 Ball? Outlook not so good.Paramount Pictures has decided audiences are finally ready to embrace the Zen simplicity that is Magic 8 Ball: The Motion Picture. …Paramount has assigned as producer its former production chief, Brad Weston. The Paramount plan, we hear, is to turn Magic 8 Ball into a sort of live-action National Treasure–style action-adventure movie.Oh, I see. It will be a sort of live-action National Treasure-style action-adventure movie. Well, that makes perfect sense. Jerry Bruckheimer loves 8 balls. (Vulture)

Michael Bay Hot For ‘Heatseekers’

Wednesday, April 28 by

Paramount has picked up the action screenplay Heatseekers for Michael Bay to get his sticky fingers all over, a.k.a. produce, not direct. Bay's company Platinum Dunes signed a first-look deal with Paramount last October to make lower-budget genre pictures, and Heatseekers written by newbie Georgie Mahaffey is the first project to get the Bay mushroom cloud seal of approval.In the mold of "Fast & Furious" and "Point Break," "Heatseekers" follows a young ex-military pilot who infiltrates a gang of aerial "pirates" working out of Bangkok and takes part in an elaborate tower heist using powered gliders and parachutes.Are people just making up professions now? Bank-robber-surfer makes sense, but an aerial pirate? That's something a Kevin James character writes down on a job application to impress a sexy CEO. Then the next thing you know he's ziplining off a building in Bangkok where his ineptitude leads to his success. Too bad an Asian street gang led by Bay has already had their way with James's dream girl while he was up in the air jackin' around. The title HEATSEEKERS! flies at the screen. Roll credits. (THR)

‘Mythbusters’ Host Kari Byron

Wednesday, April 28 by

You might recognize Kari Byron as the female on "Mythbusters." She's got red hair and often wears it in pig tails. If you're a nerd, you just made a stain. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to change my pants.A word from Kari: "High explosives and electricity! Woo!"I remembered that from the show's credits.More hot gingerness after the jump.

‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ Porn Trailer

Wednesday, April 28 by

It boggles my mind that anyone would willing choose to watch a porn parody of "Curb Your Enthusiam." There isn't one character on that show that I would enjoy seeing naked. Alright maybe Cheryl, but I certainly haven't been itching to see her tossed into and tossed in a hardcore storyline. And then there's Larry David. I like to pretend that man's clothes never come off. In my mind, he's a never-nude.

Steve Carell May Quit His ‘Office’ Job to Pursue Acting

Wednesday, April 28 by

NBC's Thursday night comedy line-up may have a Steve Carell-shaped hole in its wall soon. His contract for "The Office" runs through the end of next season (the show's seventh) and he's talking about leaving to focus on his busy movie career. Of course, NBC will likely offer him anything his heart desires to get him to stay. Then again, they're not the best when it comes to making smart decisions.Honestly, I'm torn. I can't imagine "The Office" without his dickish character, but this is the only way we'll get to see the sequels the streets have been hungry for, like Evan Almightier, Get Smarter, and Dan Even More in Real Life.  (Vulture)

10 Summer Movie Gems to Watch For

Wednesday, April 28 by

When thinking about the upcoming summer movie season, it’s hard to picture anything but Robert Downey Jr., Buzz & Woody, and Jake G. as a Persian with a British accent. And while we all enjoy a tasty summer club-banger (blockbuster) or two, the season always provides for a few smaller, limited-release “gems.” Many of these flicks are picked-up off the festival-circuit tours and sometimes go on to make a big cult-splash (The Wackness, Napolean Dynamite, Garden State), or even an awards-season run (The Hurt Locker, Little Miss Sunshine, Hustle & Flow). The following are ten under-the-radar flicks that may get some extra attention/theater releases by the summer’s end:   The Trotsky

Ozzy Osbourne Biopic In the Works

Wednesday, April 28 by

Sharon Osbourne is saying things. While promoting "Celebrity Apprentice," the reality show fixture revealed that a biopic about her slurry, hard-partying husband will soon go into production. The film, tentatively titled HurblemunbletopSHARON!!!!!!!, has a producer and lots of money according to Sharon.No cast or director have been announced yet but the production is said to be going with an unknown for the lead role. This could be the big break I've been waiting for. But here it is nearly 8:30 a.m. and I'm still sober. Time to go method. **pours tequila into bowl of Smart Start; snorts a line of kitty litter** YAHTZEE!!!! (Digital Spy)

‘The Hills’ Reenacted Supposedly by Kids

Tuesday, April 27 by

Supposedly this is a parody of "The Hills" with kids taking over the roles of the people? actors? morons? on the show. I gotta tell ya though, I just don't see it. Maybe it's like one of those Magic Eye posters where my brain can't discern, but this video seriously just looks like a regular episode of "The Hills" to me. Wait, let me stand a little farther back… Nope, everyone still acts retarded. (Babelgum)Oh my God, these links are totally links. 'Prince of Persia' Trailer Gets Lego-ized (Moviefone)History's Most Awesome Time Capsules (Asylum)Doc Says Bret Michaels May Not Recover (PopEater)25 Sexy Peta Girls (HolyTaco)James Bond Fans Shaken, Stirred (FilmDrunk)Best Fictional Bands in Movies (Unreality)24 Hot Girls Working Out (TotalProSports)11 Worst Places to Be Hung Over (Maxim)Harold Howard is Batsh*t Crazy (CagePotato)Beyone Fell Out of Her Top (CelebJihad)25 White People with Cornrows (Smosh)7 Most Vile Romantic Comedy Creatures (Pajiba)Wiki-Wiki Wikipedia (Atom)Adriana Lima Photo Shoot (MadeMan)Dennis Setzer Talladega Crash (AllLeftTurns)9 Childhood Characters You Crushed On (RegretfulMorning)

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