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DRIVE ANGRY

Monday, March 1 by

DIRECTOR: Patrick LussierCAST: Nicolas Cage; Amber Heard; William Fichtner; David Morse; Charlotte RossSYNOPSIS: A road-ragin' grandpa turns his daughter's killers and his grandbabby's kidnappers to road kill.

Lara Croft and Slave Leia Snowball Fight

Monday, March 1 by

Lara Croft and Slave Leia Snowball Fight – Watch more Funny VideosApparently I need to go to Sundance next year. Forget the films and the free swag, Lara Croft and Princess Leia are throwing snow at each other! What two actresses of that caliber are doing in a completely random duel is beyond me, but Angelina totally pwns Carrie. I guess now we know where tomb raiders stand among members of royalty. Quick, to the presses! There are history books that need sexy revisions! (BuzzFeed)

Angelina Jolie to Team with Darren Aronofsky

Monday, March 1 by

Angelina Jolie can't decide which movie-I'll-never-see to do next. First there were reports that she dropped out of Wanted 2 in favor of Alfonso Cuaron's stranded on a spacestation drama Gravity. Word today is that she's not part of Gravity and is circling a project with Darren Aronofsky.The director and star are both looking to join an adaptation of Serena: A Novel. If the project does come to fruition, Serena: A Movie would star Jolie as the wife of a timber magnate in the woods of 1929 North Carolina. She would use the awesome powers of her vagina to convince him to commit increasingly ruthless acts. Later when she learns that she cannot conceive a child she decides that adoption is sooo 2002 and that murdering her husband's illegitimate son is the new hotness.Both Jolie and Aronofsky are waiting for a new script and budget before signing on to the evil vagina movie. I just wish that Angelina would learn to use that thing for good. Think of all the wars she could stop. (THR)

This Year’s Oscars Are Gonna Be Off the Chain

Sunday, February 28 by

To ensure that this year's Oscars broadcast has a soundtrack just as bad as his movies do, giggly co-producer Adam Shankman has hired Good Charlotte's Joel Madden to serve as the ceremony's house DJ/head wanksta. Ah, I can see co-hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin awkwardly white guy rapping the nominees right now. Shankman says:"I wanted there to be a party atmosphere and I wanted to make sure everyone in the room was having a great time" Oh yes, I'm sure everyone in the room will have a good time. Especially these guys:(People) 

Taylor Lautner Gives ‘Max Steel’ The Hand

Saturday, February 27 by

Taylor Lautner has too many toys in his sandbox. After yanking both Mattel's Max Steel and Hasbro's Stretch Armstrong away from his peers while screaming, "Mine!", his Hollywood parents told him to make a decision. Lautner decided on Stretch, throwing Max back to the less fortunate, uglier, smellier kids to fight over.   An insider who carries Lautner's bag of wet wipes and binkies told Vulture, "When you sign on to make a movie with Hasbro, you know it will be in theaters a year later." Well said, overbearing Hollywood stagemother. I would assume Lautner would want to play a sweet futuristic character like Max Steel over a man with skin issues, but maybe he has opposing thoughts about what is cool. Or daddy demanded he abide by his decision or get the belt again.

Photobomb Fridays: ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ + Jester

Friday, February 26 by

Photo taken right before the prisoners ran a train on "the funny guy." Here are your weekend links.First Look at 'Iron Man 2' Action Figures (Moviefone)Naked New Yorkers Paint The Town Red (Asylum)25 Amazing Snow Sculptures (HolyTaco)Vancouver in Need of a Condom Refill (TotalProSports)Chat Roulette: The Movie (Unreality)Jones vs. Vera Fight Hype (CagePotato)Kate French is Ooh La La (Maxim)Candice Swanepoel Lingerie Megapost (CelebJihad)Bruce Willis Career Assessment (Pajiba)ManBear Part 2 (Atom)The Five Women You Meet in Bars (MadeMan)Shelby American Odds (AllLeftTurns)

Matt Damon Wants to Shut Down Sea World

Friday, February 26 by

Whale parkour is the new kite-boarding.A trainer was killed this past Wednesday at Orlando, Florida's Sea World in the jaws of Tilikum, the oldest and largest killer whale in captivity. It should also be known that Tilikum has two priors. From the NY Daily News:Tilikum, whose name means "friend" in the Native American language Chinook, has killed before – always unwittingly.In 1991, a marine biology student and part-time trainer fell into his tank in Canada and was dragged under by Tilikum. The whale and two females blocked her from getting out of the pool and tossed her back and forth in the air between them like a toy.In 1999, there was a case so bizarre it made headlines around the world: A man sneaked into Tilikum's pool at SeaWorld and his naked corpse was found the next day splayed on the whale's back.Wow. Is the soul of a reincarnated killer trapped in that whale's body?Actor Matt Damon makes this article film-relevant by joining the campaign to close Sea World down in the light of this tragedy. He tells Entertainment Tonight:"I think they should just shut them all down. I've never been a fan of places like that." Meh, put all those hard working people on the street. Matt Damon's never been a fan.At any rate, it's unclear what the future holds for Tilikut but the Syfy Channel's Original Movies Department is said to be interested in the whale's talents. Very interested. (via NY Daily News and IMDB)

Warning Moscow and Chicago: Michael Bay is Coming

Friday, February 26 by

It has become known to us that Michael Bay is planning on shooting scenes for Transformers 3 in both the heavily populated cities of Moscow and Chicago. All citizens are urged to remain calm. No more information can be provided at this time, but as a precautionary measure we advice that you secure all your women, eggs, and flammable liquids. More news when it becomes available. Good luck, and God bless. (/Film)

Steven Seagal Must Be Stored at Temperatures Below 68°

Friday, February 26 by

In an article about Robert Rodriguez's production slate, Empire mentions a small bit about Steven Seagal's difficulty on the set of Machete. Apparently Seagal insisted that he be cooled by a giant air conditioner at all times which now have to be digitally removed from the footage.Classic Seagal. Just look at these pre-treated stills from his past films. (The Playlist)

‘The Crazies’ Actress Danielle Panabaker

Friday, February 26 by

Danielle Panabaker has captured the hearts of men around the globe with her pixie-like appearance and her put-her-in-your-pocket-and-save-her-for-later appeal. She was also in Sky High, so………A word from Danielle: "I really did graduate at 14, and I go to college in the Los Angeles area near where I live."No one likes a bragger. And someone who's vague about their school so that someone else can't go find them.

Nobody Wants Credit for Jon Cryer’s Assassination

Friday, February 26 by

"Let me in!! I'm being MURDERED!!!"Jon Cryer must be a really good husband because it seems his ex-wife doesn't want to share him with the world. Earlier this year, an episode of Two and a Half Men was taped without a studio audience because Jon Cryer feared his ex-wife hired an assassin to kill him. Thus, depriving us of the most interesting thing that could possibly happen in that studio. I ask you this, does this look like the face of a woman who dreams of murder?Well, she doesn't think so. Here's her side of the story:Trigger’s lawyer claims on December 21, 2009, Trigger told her that her ex-boyfriend, Eddie Sanchez, had said he was going to kill Cryer and Trigger’s estranged husband, David Dickey.Trigger’s lawyer became so alarmed she contacted lawyers for both Cryer and Dickey. On January 10, Dickey confronted Sanchez. According to legal docs, “Mr. Sanchez not only flatly denied making such a statement, but he said that it was [Sarah Trigger] who had contacted him on numerous occasions, stating that she wanted to see the pair [Cryer and Dickey] dead, and even asking Mr. Sanchez if he would kill the pair, or if he would not, inquiring whether she could speak with Mr. Sanchez’s father about this issue.” Sounds scary and stressful for Cryer. If he had any smarts he would disguise himself as a teenager and hide out at his nephew's high school immediately. (TMZ)

This Summer: Kristainne Baille

Friday, February 26 by

Production start on this film slipped right past my radar. Kristen Bell and Christian Bale seem like perfect casting in this taut thriller. No release date yet, but it just moved to the top of my "must see" list.

Four Hotties Hop Aboard Farrellys’ ‘Hall Pass’

Friday, February 26 by

The Farrelly Brothers have been busy rounding out the cast of Hall Pass, the comedy where Owen Wilson is allowed to rub his genitals against any woman he wants with zero wifely consequences for one week. The cast currently consists of Wilson, Jenna Fischer, Jason Sudeikis, Amanda Bynes, J.B. Smoove, and Stephen Merchant.This morning comes news of the alluring actresses who will play the pontential recipients of the genital-rubbing. Christina Applegate, Alyssa Milano, Vanessa Angel, and Nicky Whelan have all inked deals to swell Wilson and Sudeikis's pants. If the Farrellys are hoping to attract the lucrative demographic of dumpy girls with low self-esteem, they're going about it the wrong way. (THR)

Michael and Walt Connect on Chat Roulette

Thursday, February 25 by

Wow, what a connection. They must have gone through so many penises and stuffed animals to finally find each other. I hope Walt immediately clicked "next" when he saw there weren't boobs on screen. Make a connection with these links.'Hurt Locker' Producer Apologizes for "Mean" Email (Moviefone)Teachers Suspended for Gym Lap Dance (Asylum)What Your Car Really Says About You (HolyTaco)Tim Burton's Weekend at Bernie's (FilmDrunk)Soccer + Women + Painted Jersies (TotalProSports)Most Terrifying 12 Seconds in Video Game History (Unreality)12 Hottest Women in MMA (CagePotato)Hollywood Hairpieces Timeline (Maxim)The Gary Busey Guide to Newborn Babies (CelebJihad)5 Best Horror Movie Remakes (Pajiba)Eat Your Soup From a Boot! (Atom)Find Out How to Get a Tank (MadeMan)McMurray Crew Member Leaps Car (AllLeftTurns)25 Female Douchebag Kissy Faces (RegretfulMorning)

Galifianakis and Hopkins to Exorcise Demons

Thursday, February 25 by

It's about to get projectile vomit-y in here!! In an apparent bid to recruit more kids to the priesthood, there are two new movies centering around exorcisms in the Hollywood pipeline. Priests are so hot right now. They're the new vampires.First up, Anthony Hopkins has signed on for the supernatural thriller The Rite. He'll play a Vatican-sanctioned exorcist whose methods are untraditional. In other words, he's a priest who doesn't follow the rules. Good luck finding a volunteer to stay after Sunday School to bang out erasers with you. (THR)The Hangover's Zach Galifianakis will portray an exorcist/slacker in Miracle Workers. The comedy tells the story of two friends who pose as exorcists until they encounter a truly malevolent evil. Shouldn't be a problem for Zach. He worked with Mike Tyson and survived. A demon would only rape him half as much. (Dread Central)

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