I used to be a big fan of professional skateboarder, Mike Vallely back when he rode for Black Label. He used to skate like a maniac and fight people all the time. I can respect that. Then he grew his hair long, switched sponsors, started a band that kind of sucks and now he's doing viral marketing videos for the new Kevin James movie, Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
I will express my distaste for the Harry Potter franchise to anyone willing to listen (and often to those who don't want to listen at all), so I take a little joy in knowing that all those cape-clad fanboys and girls are going to have to wait until July 17th 2009 for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. It was supposed to drop this November.
When in doubt of who would be perfect to remake a classic, get the guy who directed Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Steve Carr already directed Are We Done Yet, the…
The term Zeitgeist is a German word that means "when two people have the same idea to make a movie about a mall cop at the same time." Seriously, look it up. Blart did really well. In a money making sense. I never saw it. I skipped my screening because I had the intuition that another, far superior mall cop movie would come out. Germans have a word for that type of intuition. And that word is Blart.Director: Jody HillCast: Anna Faris, Seth Rogen, Ray Liotta, Patton Oswalt, Michael PeñaSynopsis: Bi-polar mall security guard Ronnie Barnhardt is called into action to stop a flasher from turning shopper's paradise into his personal peep show.Genre: ComedyRelease Date: April 10, 2009
Director: Jody Hill Cast: Anna Faris, Seth Rogen, Ray Liotta, Patton Oswalt, Michael Peña Synopsis: Bi-polar mall security guard Ronnie Barnhardt is called into action to stop a flasher from turning shopper's paradise into his personal peep show. Release Date: April 10, 2009
Lightsaber Flashmob – Watch more Funny VideosA lightsaber fight consisting of over 100 Star Wars fans who wish they were Jedis instead of salesmen/students/humans erupted at a shopping mall in Bristol, England this past weekend. No one was injured, but the potent smell of virginity will be thick in the air for weeks. (/Film)
There's nothing more you could you ask for in a movie that has blood, boobs, and psychopathic killers–in 3D!!! My Bloody Valentine isn't going to be a critic favorite, it's just going to be freakin' fun as hell. Also this weekend– Paul Blart drives his segway around a mall, and Biggie Smalls comes back to cinematic life. But 3D Boobs always prevail. Always.
Period drama director Joe Wright is tucking away his Jane Austen boner for his next project. Focus Features is in talks with Wright to have him helm Hanna: an action-adventure-thriller that centers around a teenage assassin.Hanna is a 14 year-old Eastern European girl who was bred by the CIA to be a cold-blooded killer. After befriending a French family, she must fight to escape her grim destiny. Pffft. Teenagers. They have zero work ethic. "You are not going to the mall until you garrote the Prime Minister of Chechnya, young lady." (First Showing)
Neil Patrick Harris (the actor and the character) is returning for the third installment of the Harold and Kumar trilogy. Harris joins the original stars, John Cho and Kal Penn, as well as newcomers Patton Oswalt and Thomas Lennon.The film, currently titled A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas, has already begun shooting at a mall in Michigan. Unfortunately, it's not slated for release until Christmas of 2011. If that bums you out, just get stoned, click here, and forget I said anything. (Empire Online)
"That dog musta been sick."
Here's the first look from Peter Berg's perplexing Battleship adaptation of Rihanna dressed like one of those guys that hang out at the mall trying to recruit poor people into combat. I still find it really odd that she joined the cast, which includes Taylor Kitsch, Brooklyn Decker, and Alexander Skarsgard. Then again, I find it really odd this movie is being made. But what strikes me as most odd is this thing standing next to Rihanna. Didn't E.T. dress up as that once?
This Friday, Jody Hill's Observe & Report opens. It's the second mall cop movie of the year, but is to Paul Blart what Taxi Driver is to DC Cab. Co-starring in OaR with the hairy Seth Rogen is the very clean shaven Anna Faris (above). Where You've Seen Her: Anna is a comedienne who's career took off with the Scary Movie franchise. She's done all four of the films, as well as Waiting, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, "Entourage," and played Shelley in The House Bunny. Listen for her voice in the upcoming Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Pointless Quote: "I never imagined being able to make money from acting – and now I can."
What a sicko.Between "True Blood," "Six Feet Under," and that time he suffocated a hobo, it's obvious that Alan Ball has a fascination with death. But don't take my word for it:“Obviously death is a theme I’m fascinated by.”Thanks Alan. His attraction to blood on the outside of bodies is ruling his work once more with the news that HBO has greenlighted his pilot "All Signs Of Death." Based on the novel The Mystic Arts of Erasing All Signs of Death by Ball's homie Charlie Huston, "Death" tells the story of a slacker crime scene cleaner who becomes embroiled in the underbelly of L.A.. You know what that means: murder, dangerous women, and strip malls that don't house five-star restaurants. I know, so sleazy.
Vince Vaughn and David O. Russell have been gabbing for weeks about their Old St. Louis project, and now it looks like Universal will let them play in their sandbox. O. Russell wrote the script and would make the film his followup to The Fighter. Deadline reports:
Old St. Louis is the story of a traveling salesman who has been an absentee father, and how his life changes when his daughter becomes part of his life. Vaughn would play the salesman, and actresses including Kick-Ass star Chloe Moretz have been mentioned as possibles to play the daughter.
Being a native of St. Louis, I'm a little put off that the fine city and Gateway to the West isn't mentioned in the logline. Hopefully during the character's travels he gets stranded in STL, forcing production to shoot mostly there for authenticity's sake. Lord knows they could use the money for another strip mall built around an Olive Garden.
The latest trailer for "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus" is up over at Yahoo and it's more mind-bending than you would expect from Gilliam. The movie looks incredible and could be the one that allows Terry Gilliam to reclaim his place on the A-list. Tom Waits as the Devil and Jude Law as Heath Ledger? Insane. The trippy visuals look like what you would see if you played Candyland while smoking Salvia. Which, incidentally, I have a ton of if you're interested in buying. Just come find me in my van. I'll be parked near the food court at the mall. Trip the link fantastic… Is Gary Ross being strongarmed into directing Venom? (The Playlist) Don't take the freeway. New 2012 trailer (Cinema Blend) Big Show wrestles to save the orphanage (Empire) Peewee angers an army of nerds (Vulture) Vince Vaughn and Malin Akerman talk Couple's Retreat (Latino Review)
Paramount must realize the colossal turkey they have on their hands with G.I. Joe because now they're trying a new marketing approach… targeting dummies. A few weeks ago they directed their efforts on the Jersey Shore , now the LA Times is reporting that the advertising is focusing heavily on mid-America. The film is apparently embedded in the Kid Rock concert tour and advertising on giant screens in the Mall Of America. The message of this campaign being, it is your patriotic duty to see this movie. All right, fine. I love my country so I'll see this movie. Even though the post-traumatic stress will probably leave me a shell of my former self. Do your part and click on these morning links… Sacha Baron Cohen will create a new character. (The Sun)Sam Worthington replaces Tom Cruise in The Tourist. (The Playlist)Patricia Arquette spends a night with The Living Dead. (Dread Central)The Stallone Sequel Spree continues with Cliffhanger. (/Film) In defense of Funny People. (Cinema Blend)
Harold & Kumar 3 began filming today in a mall in Michigan, and the cast and creators are tweeting about their adventures. John Cho, the Asian in the dynamic cannabis-loving duo had this to say: "In Michigan, @pattonoswalt in my vicinity, holding a sketch pad, duct tape, and a reel to reel audio recorder. Eeesh." Whoa, so Patton Oswalt is on set too?! Oswalt tweeted: "Maybe it's this Michigan air, but @JohnTheCho is looking huggable, chloroform-able, and bury-able."As much as I'd love Oswalt being there to star in the movie, I gather by his tweet that he's simply hanging around set to chloroform, rape, and murder John Cho. He didn't specifically say "rape" but chloroform isn't used for much else these days. And since Kal Penn didn't chime in on Twitter, he must already be under floorboards somewhere. Check out some pics from the set after the jump…
Things keep getting worse for producers of Terminator: Salvation. Between Christian Bale's blow up, McG's pissing contest with Michael Bay, and the controversy over Moon Bloodgood's handbra, they've received a ton of free press that they couldn't spin into box office gold. Now the Halcyon Holding Group has filed for bankruptcy and is ready to sell the franchise rights to the highest bidder. Apparently all the big studios are lining up to secure the rights. But why? The last two movies were pretty abysmal and The Sarah Connor Chronicles never found the audience it deserved. With Arnie indisposed and special effects breakthroughs having plateaued it's time to face the sad, cold truth. We as a people have to face the fact that killer robots are sooo over. Let us all begrudgingly tear down our Chopping Mall posters and set fire to our I, Robot theater-lobby standees. Today will usher in the age of the friendly (probably farting) robot. But honestly, is there any way to breathe life into Terminator? Preferably one that doesn't involve putting Peter Berg behind the camera? Let us know your thoughts. (The Financial Times)
Star Trek officially opens tonight and Mother's Day is Sunday. How appropriate, then, that we introduce you to Jennifer Morrison, who plays Winona Kirk, the mother of Capt. James Tiberius Kirk, in JJ Abrams' film. There are several different backstories associated with the character, but no matter what reality you buy into as a Trekker, you can't deny Jennifer's practically playing the mother of god. Where you've seen her before: She's probably most familiar as Dr. Allison from Fox's "House" series, but she's also played Jamie in Grind, Amy in Urban Legends: Final Cut, and Chris in a small 2004 film called Mall Cop, whose makers probably hate their lives right now.Random Quote: "My resume for Cameron has me graduating medical school the year I graduated junior high.”See pictures of Jennifer after the jump:
By Jay Riotta
The Golden Globes 2010 Nominees have been announced and somehow both Old Dogs and Paul Blart: Mall Cop were left off the list. I blame the heartless Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Don't they know that all Seth Green has is his work!Avatar, Inglourious Basterds, and Up in the Air garnered four nominations each but Nine is the front runner with six nominations. Jazzhands. They're like crack to these awards people.CHECK OUT THE FULL LIST OF NOMINEES AFTER THE JUMP
No… No. NO. NO! NO!!!!!!! They've created half-man, half-pillow hybrid beasts called manllows! Even if you do want to rub your privates against Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner, these THINGS are just freakish versions of them. But I guess a freakish, stroke-victim-faced version is all some disillusioned girls need. (FilmDrunk)Hilarious The Bachelor Recap For Fans/Non-Fans (NotZombies)Oscar Producers Tell Nominees to Shut Up (Moviefone)Improper Condom Fit is a Major Problem (Asylum)25 Awesome Guitars (HolyTaco)Team China Sexual Stretches at the Olympics (TotalProSports)Conquest MMA Model Cali-Luv (CagePotato)Live Avatar Role-Playing (Unreality)Video Game Vixens (Maxim)Selena Gomez Causes Lesbian Mob at the Mall (CelebJihad)The Best Female Action Heroes (Pajiba)One Nerd's Obsession with Megan Fox (Atom)The Daytona 500 In Pictures (AllLeftTurns)How to Party for Free in NYC (MadeMan)
Take notes, boys. THIS is how you peacock.In news that is sure to make you say, "Hrrmm, yeah. That's okay. I guess," Christopher Mintz-Plasse and David Tennant have joined Craig Gillespie's Fright Night remake. The pair will use their soft joke-fingers to comically-relieve and tug the laughter out of audiences. Gently at first, but then harder and faster as the film approaches its climax.Tennant will play Peter Vincent, a character who in the original movie was played by Roddy McDowall as the host of a late-night horror show. In the remake, he’s a Las Vegas magician whose show revolves around horror-movie imagery. Vincent claims to be a vampire expert, but when the teen turns to him for assistance, he’s less than helpful. Mintz-Plasse is playing Evil Ed, Yelchin’s friend who feels slighted that Charlie has left his nerdy past behind and thus joins the vampire’s coven. In my experience you need to be careful when a middle-aged man dresses in a cape and claims to be a vampire expert. Last time I did that, the chubby teens at the Hot Topic turned me in to mall security. (THR)
On April 10th, Observe and Report opens, and will be the second mall cop movie released within a few months. We're not saying it's a knockoff of Paul Blart at all. But it's another example of the Hollywood tradition for competing studios to release two eerily familiar movies right around the same time of year. Some say both films benefit from the timing. Some say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. You be the judge of which flicks deserve the compliment. Screen Junkies presents – in convenient chronological order, no less:11 PAIRS OF SUSPICIOUSLY SIMILAR MOVIES!!!1989Turner and Hooch vs. K-9
The '09 summer movies have already begun to arrive, but still to come are some of the biggest, baddest, FX-iest movies around. For robot fans, you can look no further than three of the biggest releases this summer: Terminator Salvation, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and (if it sticks to the cartoon’s use of robot drones to satisfy the ratings board) G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra. [No, colons are not movie code for “Robot Plot.”] Robots are on the A-List now, but they didn't always have it so good. Here are five cinematic robots that just didn’t work (as they were intended): T-800 from Terminator Program: Kill Sarah Connor, period.
We all have them: Our favorite worst movies. Whether due to poor acting, writing, production value or all of the above, there are some gorgeously entertaining cinematic turds that we just can’t flush out of our hearts. Here are 11 of the most awfulsome movies ever made. 11. Double Team
Katee Sackhoff returns to nerd-bonering tonight. CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!
Rather than reviewing Jason Statham's latest explosion fest in my own voice, I'm going to use the voice of the frat dude that was sitting behind me at the midnight showing I attended last night. Please note that caps lock is used to emphasize both the frat guy's excitement and the movie's resemblance to a fun, 89-minute Mountain Dew commercial.
AGORA Trailer with Rachel Weisz – Watch more Movie Trailers Above is the first trailer for the new Egypt-under-the-Roman-Empire period piece, which stars Rachel Weisz as the brilliant astronomer Hypatia, who along with her disciples, fights to save the wisdom of the Ancient World during a violent religious upheaval. It looks like there's action, but whether or not Weisz will kick some holy Roman ass remains to be seen. The title bugs me. "Agora." It comes from the Greek for a marketplace. That's like naming DIE HARD "NAKATOMI PLAZA." Or UNDER SIEGE 2 "MOVING TRAIN." If they're going to just name it after the location, they could at least do something dynamic like THE TOWERING INFERNO did. Maybe call it RELIGIOUS RUMBLE AT THE ALEXANDRIA MALL. Or I'M AGORA GIT YOU SUCKA.Git deez links, SUCKA!Mindi Smith Is A One-Woman Carwash (Gorillamask)The Anatomy Of A Bikini Carwash (Holytaco)Rambo 5: Rambo Goes To Mexico (Filmdrunk)25 Amazing Man Babies (Manofest)Nintendo Rubik's Cube Is 8-Bit Fun For All (Walyou)The Best TV Robots (Pajiba)Cheap Acting Tricks That Fool The Critics (Cracked)So Many Hot Legal Schoolgirls (Coedmagazine)'09 Hometown Hotties Finalists. Rock The Vote! (Maxim) It's Not Too Soon For Dead Ted Kennedy Jokes (Celebjihad)How To Tell If She'll Be Good In Bed (Mademan)Ed Herman Is Pretty Certain His Knee Is F*cked (Cagepotato)Video Game Console Costumes Turn You Into A Tool (Unreality)Robot Striptease Teaches Us How To Feel (Asylum)Celebrities 'Hate' Vick's Return To The NFL (Moondogsports) Cop Rams Squad Car Into A Man In A Wheelchair (Nothingtoxic)The Worst Speeches Of All Time (Atomfilms)First Pics Of Ms. Kidman in 'Rabbit Hole' (Filmofilia)
Every year, Nerdcore releases a special calendar paying tribute to pop culture with sexy pinup girls. The 2010 Calendar, currently available for pre-order, is a bloody, beautiful homage to horror flicks, and it's a perfectly timed Halloween gift for any discerning masturbator of the macabre friend you may have. According to Nerdcore, "no genre has been more synonymous with nerds and nudity than horror," and we couldn't agree more. Their 4th annual calendar features cover model Jana Jordan getting paranormal with a TV set, sultry scream queen Justine Joli in the most vintage of psychotic shower scenes, Bobbi Starr sewn together (literally) in a more naked version of Frankenstein, as well as Aria Giovanni, Kayla Jane Danger, Karlie Montana, Mosh, and Zoli Suicide getting their scream on. Check out some of the hot, nearly NSFW photos after the jump. Can you guess all the horror movies to which the photos pay tribute? Does it really even matter?
Whether you know it or not, your sexual preferences today are a byproduct of your childhood conditioning. And if its one thing that conditioned all of us, it’s the TV. The 80s brought us blue-colored drink mix, unrealistic expectations for time-travel capability, and one of the tastiest range of sexy TV starlets in history.