Charlie Sheen has problems. You have problems. Charlie Sheen drinks too much. You drink too much. Charlie Sheen has a shitty job. You have a shitty job. Charlie Sheen could make as much as $100 million dollars over the next two years for filming "Two and a Half Men." You'll be lucky if they make you an example in a "Faces of Meth" poster. Sheen's upfront salary is pegged at right around $1.25 million per seg, not the $1.8 million-$1.9 million previously reported ( Daily Variety , May 18). But Sheen's sizable profit participation stake in "Men" has sources close to the deal pegging the value of the additional 48 episodes at as much as $100 million to the thesp. With this new contract, Sheen's net worth is probably higher than the GDP of some third-world countries. Of course, that's assuming he hasn't blown most of it on hookers and blow, which he most certainly has. But this cash might be just what Sheen needs to find out the truth about September 11th. In fact, if you're reading, Charlie, I happen to have some information about the real culprit. His name starts with an "O" and ends with an "ama." For a million dollars, I'll clue you in on the missing letters. (Variety)
Jemaine Clement of "Flight of the Concords" fame is slated to play the villain in Men in Black III. Clement joins Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin and director Barry Sonnenfeld, who have all signed on to the project.While details are scarce, Collider is reporting that Clement will play an evil character named Yaz. Based on Clement's sideburns, one can only assume that "Yaz" is none other than Boston Red Sox's great Carl Yastrzemski, aka Mutton-chop Yaz.On the plus side, it would be hard to make a film any worse than MIB II. Unfortunately, Clement was already involved in the sci-fi related catastrophe, Gentleman Broncos, so anything is possible.
Finally, something tangible to report about Ghostbusters that doesn't involve Bill Murray's menstrual cycle. Rather than waiting around for Ghostbusters 3 like the rest of us saps, the fine folks at Improv Everywhere decided to take matters into their own hands by producing a version of Ghostbusters Live. The funnymen who had originally made a splash with their Best Buy sales prank which featured over eighty participants, pulled off quite the stunt with only seven able bodied comedians recently at the main branch of the New York Public Library and every spook filled second has been caught on camera for your enjoyment! I never thought that performance art could be so relevant. It's really inspired me to get my own flash mob version of Downfall off the ground. And if those people at the ADL don't like it they can go to hell. They never understood my art. (DreadCentral) See Ghostbusters Live after the jump.
Our friends at EgoTV put together this mashup of famous archery scenes from movies set to Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me." I personally would have chosen Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot," but then again I'm a hack. These links are a bullz-eye! **rimshot. fart.** 'Pirates 4' to Be Shot in 3D (Moviefone) Meet the Beer Experts (Asylum) Conan O'Brien Lists His Five Favorite YouTube Videos (PopEater) How Delonte West Hooked Up With Lebron's Mom (HolyTaco) First Script Scene of Facebook movie 'The Social Network' (BroBible) Getting Old Sucks (FilmDrunk) 10 Best SNL Digital Shorts (Unreality) Miss Massachusetts Pics (TotalProSports) Pretty Girls and Their Playthings (Maxim) Meet Jan Finney, Cris Cyborg's Next Victim (CagePotato) Joe Jonas Lied About Serving In Vietnam (CelebJihad) 10 Best Kids' Drawings Ever (Smosh) 5 Most Popular Celebs You've Never Heard Of (Pajiba) M'larky Trailer (Atom) 13 Facts about Weed (MadeMan) Tony Stewart Jumps from a Plane (AllLeftTurns)
ABC has announced its fall line-up and it's brimming with hotties. Tuesday night's we have Julie Benz and Autumn Reeser on superhero family drama "No Ordinary Family," Wednesday's give us Joanna Garcia in "Better Together," and Kelli Garner on Thursdays with "My Generation." In addition to all the fresh faces, there's Michael Imperioli on "Detroit 1-8-7." It's important to have this balance. I don't know why. CHECK OUT THE FULL SCHEDULE AND CLIPS OF NEW AND RETURNING SHOWS AFTER THE JUMP…
Oprah?Looks like Eddie Murphy may take a break from the moody, little character pieces he's so well known for to don the fat suit and drink from the drawn butter well once again. While at the premiere of Shrek 4, Murphy told Access Hollywood:“You know what, there might be another Nutty Professor. We kind of wrote something that might be kind of funny. If the studios want to do it, we’ll do it. If you don’t see it, the studio was like, ‘This isn’t funny.’”I don't know Eddie. Precious wasn't all that funny and they let you do that. It even earned you an Oscar nomination. Don't be so hard on yourself, champ. Good things happen to good people. **gets killed anally by exploding office chair**
Emily Procter has appeared on shows such as "Friends" and "The West Wing," but even better she fronts and 80's cover band called White Lightnen. She is also an avid poker player, a game that her father taught her when she was young. If she tastes like a gin and tonic she might just be the best woman ever. A word from Emily: "It's not a bad idea to be single."Well yes, if you're an attractive blonde woman being single can be a delight. If you're a blogger it can be nightmare wrapped continually in Saturday night shame.More pics of Emily YEAAAAAHHHHH!!! after the jump.
A new full-length trailer for "True Blood" has glamoured the Internet, and I'm sharing it with you so you can forward it along to your girlfriends. They're going to love this season considering the vampire-centric show is now dabbling in the world of werewolves, officially making it one pained expression away from becoming full-blown Twilight for television. But don't you dare move off that couch. You sit their with your baby cakes and subject yourself to every single minute of it. At least it's HBO, so breasts and people erupting into flames are guaranteed. Buncha filthy pyros over at that network… Sink your eyes into the trailer after the jump. Tell your g.f. season 3 of "True Blood" premieres June 13th, if she doesn't already have a sticker on her bejeweled day planner for it.
Here's some news that will surely move the peen of Manhattan's improv players. Susie Essman has lit it slip that the next season of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" will be filmed predominantly in New York City. There aren't any details available beyond the news that production will begin in July, so we're not really sure what plot specifics will bring Larry David to town. But we're certainly happy to have him, though I fear he'll stick out like a sore thumb. If there's one thing in short supply in New York City, it's fussy old coots prone to shouting. (NYPost)
With the Will Forte vehicle MacGruber due out in theaters this Friday, I decided to look into the funny little history of "Saturday Night Live's" adventures on the silver screen. Generally the movies were spun off from their more popular sketches (how the Roxbury guys were popular, I'll never know).I wanted to grade SNL spinoffs that were regular sketches with regular cast members. I also wanted to compare the merits of each using the two only barometers for success that Hollywood has: critical reception and, of course, money. Further, I studied a particular SNL cast member, and their career success as compared to their SNL movie vehicle.Here are the results.
"We're not done until you retrieve my stash."Charlie Sheen fans can stop sending dead hookers and porn stars to CBS offices, because Poppa Bear is coming home!! The highest paid man on television announced that he will return to his shit show "Two and a Half Men," and has signed a contract that forces him to have to watch this thing awkwardly morph into a lesbian over the next two years:"To put a fitting end on the two and one-half months of whirlwind speculation, I'm looking forward to returning to my CBS home on Monday nights," said Sheen in a statement released last night. You see what he did there? The show is called "Two and a Half Men" and he said "two and one-half months." Someone please jam a great big adrenaline needle into my heart before my lungs collapse from over-LOLing. (People)
'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.' And it looks awesome in Blu Ray!David Fincher's Se7en is getting the Blu Ray treatment, meaning you'll soon see the bloated corpse of the fatass who ate himself to death in high definition, as God the father intended.The disk will be loaded with extras, including audio commentaries, alternate endings and full motion video details of "John Doe´s" creepy notebook writings. No word yet on the case, but hopefully it will resemble the box with the severed head. I think that'd be neat!Se7en on Blu Ray hits stores September 14th. (DreadCentral)
In this exclusive, behind the scenes look at Toy Story 3, Ned Beatty and Michael Keaton join an ensemble cast for the most powerful chapter to date in the beloved franchise. When Andy heads off to college, adventure fanatic Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen) takes his toy friends on a river-rafting trip into the dangerous American back-country. During a chance encounter with a group of locals, an offhand comment about moonshine by Lots-o'-Huggin' Bear (Beatty) leads to a violent sexual assault. The trip soon descends into a nightmare in which both nature and mankind conspire against the toys, putting their lives and perhaps even their souls at risk. (LatinoReview) Watch Ned Beatty's powerful performance in Toy Story 3 after the jump.
You "Arrested Development" fans are like delusional ex-girlfriends. Sure, the three years you spent with the show were wonderful, and I know it left you with some very special memories. I'm not asking you to forget that. But the fact of the matter is that it's been gone for four years, but you still talk about it like it was yesterday. The way you bring it up to anyone who will listen is creepy. Just last week, at that party, you asked a total stranger if they had seen it. Doesn't that come across as pathetic and desperate to you? Face the facts: "Arrested Development" is gone, and it's not coming back. It's moved on, and it's time you did the same. The best way to get over an old relationship is to start a new one, which is why I'd like you to meet "Running Wilde." It has Mitch Hurwitz and Will Arnett, which is pretty cool. I know it's not the same, but you can't go around comparing every show you watch to "Arrested Development." It's not healthy, and it's just setting yourself up for disappointment. Why don't you go in with an open mind and give it a chance? Also, maybe you should up your dosage of Wellbutrin. You're not looking so good. (Movieline) See Will Arnett in the "Running Wilde" trailer after the jump.
The final SNL Digital short of the season is a valiant effort, especially since it aired early in the show. Hey kiddies, in case you think that's powdered sugar on Andy's nose, it's not. It's sweet, sweet cocaine. Stick around until the very end for the best part.Do a line of these potent links. Roman Polanski Was Always a Creep (Moviefone)Teen Idols Dish Out Dating Advice (Asylum)Is Will Ferrell Running the Fake Paramount Twitter? (PopEater)25 Awesome Shoes (HolyTaco)Pete Hammond Likes Shrek 4 (FilmDrunk)Tracy Jordan's Life in the Ghetto (Unreality)Wrestling Is Still Real to Me Darn It! (TotalProSports)Amber Lancaster Pics (Maxim)Rachelle Leah Covered in Grease (CagePotato)Miss US 2010 Stripper Pics (CelebJihad)33 Worst Band Names in History (Smosh)5 Celebrity Lesbians We'd Like to Get With (Pajiba)Bill Plympton's 'Horn Dog' (Atom)10 Sexiest Sidekicks (MadeMan)Busch, Gibbs Win the Weekend (AllLeftTurns)
With Simon Cowell leaving "American Idol," FOX is in need of a big hit. Instead they got these new shows. Nothing jumps out as a hit on paper, but they are bringing some star power to the network that will hopefully carry the new properties. Jon Voight took our advice and jumped into "Lonestar" while Will Arnett and Kerri Russell star in "Running Wilde." I'm assuming that Wilde is the last name of the show's protagonist, who surprisingly is not played by Just Wright's Queen Latifiah. GET A LOOK AT FOX'S NEW LINE-UP AFTER THE JUMP, BEFORE THEY'RE ALL CANCELED AND REPLACED BY "HOUSE" ENCORES…
The big news out of the NBC Upfronts is the cancellation of "Heroes" and "Law & Order: Original Recipe." No huge loss there, but the network also pushed fan favorite "Parks & Recreation" to midseason, in order to make room for the new comedy "Outsourced" on their schedule. Hopefully this move will help build anticipation for the series and solve the problem of having to shoot around the bun that Will Arnett lovingly rammed into Amy Poehler's oven. In addition to "Outsourced," the Peacock picked up twelve other new programs. None of them really grab me, but I don't watch a lot of television anyway. Because of my good looks and all. CHECK OUT THE SCHEDULE AND TRAILERS AFTER THE JUMP.
The Shia LaBeouf blame train is once again leaving the station. But this time, instead of badmouthing the work of a universally reviled Michael Bay film, he's going after the work of of one of the greatest living directors, Steven Spielberg. In a recent interview with the Los Angeles Times, LeBeouf said he was disappointed with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, admitting his own performance was sub par, but also calling out the work of the famed director. I would never disrespect the man. I think he's a genius, and he's given me my whole life. He's done so much great work that there's no need for him to feel vulnerable about one film. But when you drop the ball you drop the ball." I fully agree that Spielberg dropped the ball, mainly by casting LaBeouf in the film. But I do like LaBeouf's habit of waiting until well after the fact to badmouth his own work. Along those lines, I'd like to apologize for my poorly written feature on the history of G.I. Joe war atrocities. While I do take some responsibility, I'd also like to say that Patrick Schumacker, the former editor of Screen Junkies, dropped the ball. (CinemaBlend)
CBS has officially picked up the sitcom based on the Twitter phenomenon Shit My Dad Says, assigning it the current (tentative?) title of "Bleep My Dad Says." We here at Screen Junkies would like to offer a massive congratulations to former SJ Managing Editor Patrick Schumacker and former Holy Taco Managing Editor Justin Halpern, co-creators of the show along with "Will & Grace" creators Max Mutchnik and David Kohan.William Shatner stars in the lead role as Ed the dad who says all the bleep (shit). The part of the Henry the son is played by Ryan Devlin in the pilot, but CBS has decided to recast the role. There's no word yet which actor in town has big enough balls to spar with Shatner. If you have a commanding presence please mail your headshot to the Warner Bros. water tower. Mark it Attention: Animaniacs. They'll get back to you ASAP. (Deadline)
Zoe doing her best assassin pose. If this is what death looks like, I welcome it. Zoe Saldana is in talks to star in Colombiana, to be produced by Luc Besson of Taken producing fame. THR has the scoop:Written by Besson and Robert Mark Kamen, "Colombiana" is set in Latin America and the U.S. Saldana would play a young woman who, after witnessing her parents' murder as a child in Bogota, grows up to be a stone-cold assassin. She works for her uncle as a hitman by day, but her personal time is spent engaging in vigilante murders that she hopes will lead her to her ultimate target: the mobster responsible for her parents' death. So…it's another revenge flick. Or it's Batman without all the philanthropy. I was a big fan of Taken so I'll give Besson and Kamen the benefit of the doubt. I enjoyed watching Liam Nesson crack skulls for 90 minutes, what's to say I won't like Zoe Saldana doing the same thing in a tight pleather body suit? Note to director: take my note.
If you lived in Canada, you saw Kristen Kreuk in some show called "Edgemont." If you lived in America, you saw her in "Smallville." If you lived in a fantasy world of comic books, acne and virginity, you saw her in a show on the SyFy channel called "Legend of Earthsea."A word from Kristen: "Just because I don't do bad things doesn't mean I don't have bad thoughts."Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.More pics of some bad things after the jump.
Bruce Willis is going back in time for Rian Johnson's Looper and buyers are reported to be pouncing on it. In the sci-fi film, he'll play an older version of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who may be targeted for assassination. Though the two actors don't look that much alike, who's to say what Gordon-Levitt would look like after the on-set of male pattern baldness and years of having to be civil to Ashton Kutcher.The premise of the movie has hit men sending their targets back in time, where they are killed. Thus no evidence is left behind. Because everyone knows that bending the fabric of space and time is easier than wearing gloves. (Deadline)
That's me between the Asian and the freak. I had the opportunity to attend the Cannes Film Festival over the past few days, and it was a whirlwind experience full of red carpets, yacht parties, and Jean Claude Van Dammes galore. My brains are still recovering from the extensive travel and time difference, but I feel it’s more authentic and enjoyable if I share my journey in my current semi-conscious condition. When I arrived at the hotel, the Maison de Jacque D’Azur, I was greeted with an ice cold Stella Artois, a welcomed welcome after spending the previous fifteen hours on a metal tube that has no business hovering so long in the sky. The Maison used to be home to Picasso, who I’m sure is rolling over in his grave now that bloggers are slogging around it, covering the interior with a thick layer of Cheetos dust.
I'm not ready to say goodbye to this picture.Entertainment Weekly has new details about the fifth season of Dexter in the latest issue. If you're not caught up with the show, there are SPOILERS AHEAD. Bold and all caps. My ass is covered.It looks like Dexter will be packing up the kids and returning to his old bachelor pad to crash with Deb in the new season. Suburbia never really felt right and dropping deuces where his wife was murdered doesn't really appeal either. New showrunner Chip Johannessen had this to say about the new living situation, “It’s partially funny and partially not. Deb is not exactly the most maternal person. Nobody quite knows what they’re doing, so there’s a certain kind of struggle to cope.” In other words, these kids would be better off left in the woods to fend for themselves.The interesting story detail however pertains to the investigation of Rita's murder. Neither the police nor the FBI believe Trinity was responsible and consider Dexter the prime suspect. If Nancy Grace has taught me anything, it's usually the spouse in these cases. Especially the ones that play with blood for a living.
Bad news from the world of music. Musician Ronnie James Dio has died of stomach cancer. The singer, who performed with Black Sabbath and his own band, Dio, was only 67. I'm not going to pretend I'm a fan of his music, but Dio was responsible for this hilarious "South Park" bit, which means he's A-ok in my book. R.I.P. (DreadCentral) See Ronnie James Dio perform at the South Park Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance after the jump.
When it comes to flops, you can't get much bigger than Gentlemen Broncos. And like a wounded solider crying out for his mother, filmmakers Jared and Jerusha Hess are longing to return to familiar territory after their critical and financial depantsing. The pair is currently in talks with Fox to develop a pilot based their first, and some would say only success: Napoleon Dynamite. Sources close to the story state that many of the actors from the film will return to lend their voices to the cartoon, including star Jon Heder, Efran Ramirez (Pedro), Aaron Ruell (Kip), and Jon Gries (Uncle Rico). No word on whether or not Tina Majorino will return as Deb. No story details have been revealed, but it seems likely that it would work mainly as a continuation of the film, which followed Napoleon through the hilarious awfulness of his day-to-day existence. I could make a joke about the fact that all of the original actors are "available" to do the voices, but hey, we can't all be successful "overnight writers" for screenjunkies.com. Besides, if you ask me, it sounds like a great plan. When Kevin Smith's career hit a rough patch, he developed an animated version of his first sucess, Clerks. He then went on to direct Jersey Girl. (Cinematical)
The first rule of Fight Sub: you don't let McG direct Fight Sub.Director David Fincher is in talks with Disney to direct a remake of Jules Verne’s classic submarine adventure, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea. Fincher is attempting to resurrect the project first helmed by McG, the famed auteur behind Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle and Korn: Who Then Now?Disney reportedly dropped McG from the project because they believed his take on the film was too dark. If you're looking for more light-hearted fare, Fincher is the obvious choice. I'm sure the scene where Captain Nemo finds his wife's severed head in a box will be a real knee slapper. (EmpireOnLine)
Get a room, you two.Here are your weekend linksHugh Hefner and Joan Rivers Vs. Best Worst Movie (Moviefone)Masterclash Takes On Bad TV (Asylum)Oprah to Tom Cruise: Sit Your Ass Down (Popeater)25 Sad Cleveland Fans (Holy Taco)Hard Ticket To Hawaii Keeps On Giving (Film Drunk)Cleveland Serenades LeBron (Total Pro Sports)Maxim's Hottest Hand Bras (Maxim)Dan Quinn Gives Advice to Jesse James (Cage Potato)Jessica Alba Shows Butt Crack, Enjoys Anal (CelebJihad)Iron Man Vs. Kool-Aid Man (Smosh)Robin Hood Is Not A Very Fun Movie (Pajiba)A Montage of Manliness (Atom)Live In the Original Playboy Mansion (MadeMan)Victory Lane Girls (All Left Turns)
The Unemployment Line."Law & Order" creator Dick Wolf is reportedly furious, and not just because his parents named him poorly. NBC dramatically cut Wolf's throat today along with the grocery budgets of struggling New York actors by issuing the shocking announcement they are canceling the flagship show.NBC had promised Wolf they would bring the show back for a final season so that it could claim the longest-running primetime-drama pimpcup from "Gunsmoke," but plans changed when talks between NBC and would-be co-financier TNT fell flat. And then things got worse:That's when NBC threw its agreement with Wolf out the window and demanded Wolf kick in to help "finance the pickup of Law & Order out of all the money he's made. And his reps said, 'Never going to happen'," according to an insider. Another source explained the situation: "Graboff broke off the negotiations last night when they fell apart based on Team Dick's unwillingness to make certain deal concessions deemed unreasonable."Wow. That would be like your boss firing you but allowing you to stay on staff if you agreed to pay your own salary. They have a word for that in business school: balls.
We've held off reporting about Friends With Benefits up until now because the thought of Ashton Kutcher in a no-strings-attached sexual relationship with Natalie Portman makes our parts wither. Sadly, we've been put into a position where we would be remiss if we continued the embargo.Ivan Reitman has begun to wisely throw hottie after hottie at the project, and today there's news that the ridiculously sexy Lake Bell has joined the cast as Kutcher's co-worker. Olivia Thirlby and Greta Gerwig have also recently become attached. Great. Ashton Kutcher surrounded by hot women. Is this a movie-version of those camera commercials he's been doing? (Variety)