It was probably close to three in the morning in your living room. You were six sodas and three gorditas deep with the volume turned way down on the set, anxiously awaiting some practical knowledge regarding the mysterious act of sex. From the scenes that put wisdom in your brain and a strain in your shorts, these were the moments that taught you more about getting laid than anything else. Here are some of the lessons you learned. Porky's
Sucker Punch's Emily Browning's star is on the rise and it looks like she's not afraid to shed her child star image. She's just signed on for The Perfect Woman Sleeping Beauty, an erotic thriller about "a student who drifts into prostitution and finds her niche as a woman who sleeps, drugged while men do to her what she can‘t remember the next morning." I don't know about you guys but I'd totally take photos of her where it looks like she's picking her nose. But I'm an animal like that.The film is a 2008 Black Listed script from Australian author Julia Leigh, who will be making her directorial debut with this project. Alice in Wonderland's Mia Wasikowska was originally set to fill the role but opted out in the 11th hour. Keep that in mind if you ever have a chance to date either of these actresses. If life imitates art, Emily Browning > Mia Wasikowska. (The Playlist)
McClane needs to get back in there and kill some henchmen on the middle floors. There's probably a centrally located dentist's office that could provide good fodder.Don't neglect the middle links.25 Worst Romantic Comedies Ever (Moviefone)25 Pics of Verne Troyer with Hot Chicks (HolyTaco)2010 SI's Bodypainting Soccer WAGS (TotalProSports)Precious's Mom Sings in a Subway (FilmDrunk)Mark Coleman's 5 Greatest MMA Moments (CagePotato)Behold The Tonight Show's Rotting Corpse (Unreality)A New App to Lead You to Nookie (Asylum)12 Hottest Swimsuit Videos (Maxim)Blake Lively in a Bikini Being a Perv (CelebJihad)6 Most Successful Career Redefining Roles (Pajiba) CariDee English Caught Cheating (Atom)Anti-Valentine's Gift Guide (MadeMan)Danica Finally Races (AllLeftTurns)10 Sexual Euphemisms You've Used By Accident (RegretfulMorning)
The bidding war over the rights to the Terminator franchise is over and the winner is… Pacificor? I'm sorry but I'm not familiar with their films. From Deadline Hollywood: “Sony and Lionsgate dropped out at just under $29.5 million when it became clear that Santa Barbara-based hedge fund Pacificor was willing to pay almost any amount of money for Terminator.” Oh. That's why I didn't know them. Pacificor is the debtholder that pushed Halcyon into bankruptcy in the first place. Now they've swooped in and traded that debt for the once lucrative franchise. I think it would be awesome if James Cameron bought them. Not so he could make another Terminator but so he could take a dump on Terminator 3 in front of director Jonathan Mostow's house.No one knows what Pacificor plans to do with the rights but let's hope it's not to steal the technology and build their own army of machines. If robots become self-aware, there's no telling what kind of damage they may cause. (Deadline Hollywood)
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but reality show Oompa Loompa, Snooki has selected a suitor to share her bed. The Jersey Shore Hobbit stepped out recently with Emilio Antonio and he is the juicehead of her dreams. She seems genuinely smitten. Belted in the face by love, if you will."He's actually a body builder and works at the gym," she said. "I am really excited to like show the public who he is."And those hoping that their connection is merely intellectual and therefore vulnerable to temptation, I have worse news."He is freaking banging. We're the sexiest couple I have ever seen in my entire life so I am excited for everybody to see that."There you have it. Theirs is a love that will endure at least until Spring Break. Between this and the passing of Zelda Rubinstein, 2010 is shaping up to be a chaste year for pygmy-chasers. (NY Daily News)
Here's an obligatory Jessica Biel post. I haven't done her yet as the girl of the day, and no I didn't mean it THAT way. If you don't know who Jessica is by now you must be living under a rock that doesn't get internet access because even being barricaded in your parent's basement wouldn't be an excuse.A word from Jessica: "It’s nice to have a little meat on you, and I hope I inspire women to appreciate their muscular calves."I don't know if women appreciate them, but men certainly do. Namely YOUR muscular calves, which can look gross on many less attractive, fatter females. Oh no, did I just ruin your inspirational message?The pics after the jump will heal all wounds.
Superman rescues Mini Nolan. It doesn't matter why. Warner Bros. must be supplying Christopher Nolan with an endless supply of whores, drugs, or fish and chips. The director of The Dark Knight and the upcoming WB film Inception has decided to nurture the new Superman movie that's in development and let it suck from the voluptuous teet of his creativity. Nolan is not writing or directing the film, but instead has taken on the role of "godfather," a title I hope appears in the credits. Developing Superman Returns was such a quagmire for WB it's no wonder they're turning to their golden boy for advice, insight, scribbles he wasn't planning on using for future projects. An insider at the studio said, "We know what we don't want to do. But we don't know what we want to do." That sounds like every Friday night conversation I had with my friends in high school. Result: we all decided to stay home, much like the audience will for this film. Shut up, I had friends! Nolan is also actively working on the Batman 3 script with brother Jonathan Nolan and blood brother David Goyer. Nolan came up with a story idea, probably while clipping his nails whilst dropping a deuce, and the team hopes to finish a draft during post-production on Inception. It looks like SJ writer Wookie Johnson has some egg on his face this morning. The proverbial and the scrambled. The former for saying yesterday that Batman 3 scripts rumors were bull hockey, the latter for sticking his face in a plate of scrambled eggs. The man's a barbarian, folks. (Deadline)
Kiefer getting angsty at the Sears Portrait Studio.Today news broke that made the 2003 Me high-five the air and request a "what-what." Keifer Sutherland is closer to bringing his penchant for sh*tty days to the multiplex. Sutherland has reportedly convinced Fox to hire screenwriter Billy Ray (State of Play, Moon, the upcoming Source Code) to adapt 24 for theater audiences.Much like Agent Cody Banks, the Griswolds, and Deuce Bigalow before him, this adventure will take Jack to Europe. That's great news!! If Die Hard and Rocky IV have taught me anything it is that European villians are waayyyy harder to kill, so this could be a fun, over the top movie. Pens in the eye for everyone!!!The show's kinda sucking in the ratings right now and the current season is expected to be the last. So we'll have to wait and see if Jack Bauer has to save the Louvre from being blow'd up. (Variety)
Today we pit our top contenders for the Best Actress Oscar in the metaphorical pudding pool for a bikini-clad, chocolate-treat-slathered Battle Royale from which only one shall emerge the victor. …
Has our insatiable appetite for stereoscopic film imagery driven us past the point of no return? Would Hollywood be brazen enough to dig up the corpse of a classic in order to drop a 3-D deuce in its mouth? I'd like to think there's a certain line that does not get crossed but this item has me worried.A source at Universal has told Cinema Blend that a 3-D remake of Jaws may be in the works. From Cinema Blend:Their claim is that people now expect more, visually, from their movie going experience. So, Hollywood studios are inclined to take some of their tried and true franchise names like Jaws and bring them into the 3D world. The tipster also revealed that at one point Tracy Morgan was being considered for the role of Matt Hooper, originally played by Richard Dreyfuss. Willikers. This is too absurd to be true. It's like a movie poster 30 Rock's Tracy Jordan would hang in his dressing room. I don't know what to fear more with Tracy Morgan in the water, the shark or somebody getting pregnant.Regard this as a rumor for now. Universal will come to their senses. The last thing Jaws needs is a remake, especially one that heads in a comedic direction. That's why we have One Crazy Summer. (Cinema Blend)
Fourfour put together a compilation of all those cheap scares in movies when someone pushes the medicine cabinet mirror closed after grabbing their Xanax/roofies for the evening, and someone/something APPEARS BEHIND THEM IN IT! It's quite amazing how many movies have actually used a gag that I'm quite positive was first on screen back when people thought Cary Grant was straight. Watch out for these links!The Best Strip Scenes in Movies (Moviefone) 25 Rednecks Being Rednecks (HolyTaco) Marisa Miller Loves Matthew Stafford's Hair (TotalProSports) Tarantino Fields an Avatard Question (FilmDrunk) Phil Baroni's Mom Makes Lattes for Matt Serra (CagePotato) 20 Noticeable Mistakes from James Bond Movies (Unreality) Is Girls in Adult Diapers Considered Porn? (Asylum) Maxim's Red Hot Valentines (Maxim) Twilight Star John Murtha Dies (CelebJihad) 5 Best Movies Filmed in New Orleans (Pajiba) Phone Sex with Two Girls is Better Than One (Atom) The White Castle Valentine's Day Dinner (MadeMan) 15 Essential NASCAR Twitter Feeds (AllLeftTurns)
Mickey Rourke plays a down on his luck trumpet player in his upcoming film Passion Play. Megan Fox plays a circus freak with wings on her back who helps Rourke's character find redemption. They're definitely an interesting pair to cast against one another and the veteran actor has only high praise for his co-star."I think the pleasant surprise was this girl who’s a world-class beauty turned out to be probably the best young actress I’ve ever worked with. At 23, I couldn’t do half of what she’s doing."Really, Mickey? You sure you're just not saying that because of her boobs and stuff?? Look, she's a really pretty girl. We get that. But this is what they do, man. This is what they do!! One minute you're complimenting her and telling her she's better than Evan Rachel Wood and Scarlett Johanssen and Keira Knightley, but then all of a sudden you're helping her move out of her apartment. Don't do it, man. It'll be you and Shia lugging her TV up six flights of stairs while that dude from 90210 plays grab-ass with her. I've seen it dozens of times. (EW)
Sensory overload. Not enough blood in my brain as I write this post. Has traveled to my…elsewhere. In a recent interview with MTV, Jessica Alba revealed she'll be playing identical twins in Robert Rodriguez's Grindhouse spinoff, Machete. One of them will be bad, one of them will good, and both of them will look like Jessica Alba. I'd suggest that the two Albas kiss in the film but I'm fairly certain such an event would signal the apocalypse. In all honesty, what more would we have to live for? Check out Alba's interview below. Movie Trailers – Movies Blog
Here we are again with a day full of speculation and little actual movie news. The headlines today are all about the Superbowl's crappy array of commercials, Drew Bree's kid's sweet headphones, and flimsy movie rumors. Luckily, Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey is here to round up those rumors like a stack of basket cats.Bill Murray is a ghost – We've heard this rumor before but now Bill Murray confirmed that the only way he'll return for Ghostbusters 3 is in ghost form. Though the interview is suspected to have taken place in October and we haven't heard anything official about this movie since that time. Rule of thumb around here is to regard all Ghostbusters 3 news as rumors and lies. (Daily Mail)Meryl Streep will fold Russell Brand's underwear – Russell Brand is eager to remake Arthur and a British tabloid has reported that Meryl Streep is considering signing on to play his butler. Bear in mind this came from a British tabloid so it's all lies. The British excel at sneakiness. Case in point, James Bond. (Daily Star)A Brangelina-free Mr. & Mrs. Smith is on the way – This one isn't as much a rumor as it is just stupid. Regency Enterprises is moving forward with a reboot of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. A reboot means cheaper talent, which means more money for the studio. Honestly, I can't tell Angelina Jolie movies apart from one another anymore. But rebooting a film that's relatively recent seems dangerous to me. Dangerous because it could lead to a Saw reboot. (NY Mag)
Christine Lakin was the tomboyish daughter on the ol' T.G.I.F. show Step by Step. The one with Patrick Duffy and the wife beater. Luckily, Christine is in to sporting more revealing articles of clothing these days. Hey, at least she's not doing meth like Stephanie Tanner.A word from Christine: "It was even hard for me as a kid to spend the night at someone else's house."That's why you have instincts. You NEVER spend the night at Patrick Duffy's house, Christine. Didn't you have parents growing up who taught you anything?No tomboyishness left in the pics after the jump.
Oh, hey. Here's some news that's probably nothing. David Goyer has stepped down as FlashForward showrunner to focus on his career in features. This news has sprouted a multitude of nerd boners due to the speculation that he is writing a third Batman film with Jonathan Nolan. But all those plump dork stiffies may be engorged for naught as there has been no official word that Goyer is involved in the project. Nor is there any confirmation that it is even in the scripting phase. Right now it's all speculation stemming from this quote from Deadline Hollywood:"Of course, Goyer's feature career is really heating up, since he co-wrote Batman Begins, and penned the story for The Dark Knight, and is now writing the third Batman installment with Chris Nolan's brother Jonah." Fact of the matter is that, as of right now, Christopher Nolan is busy with Inception and Goyer has a lot of feature projects in development, including Super Max, Ghost Rider 2, Magneto, Y: The Last Man, Scanners, The Invisible Man, The Unforgettable, and Here, There Be Dragons. So nerds, please resheath your geek-woodies until we have something more substantial to fluff to. Unless, of course, you're turned on by stories where there be dragons. Pervert. (Deadline Hollywood)
Everyone always talks about date movies, but what about the dates in movies? Sure, you can pick Hollywood’s latest (laaaaame) offerings of Dear John or Valentine’s Day and hope to impress the girl you tricked into going out with you. Or, you could take a cue from some movies that nailed the perfect date and really knock their socks/panties off. 10) Superman: The Movie
Last month we posted the casting breakdown for Matthijs van Heijningen Jr.'s prequel to The Thing, and today there's word that the protagonists have been selected. Scream queen Mary Elizabeth Winstead and rugged Kurt Russell-proxy Joel Edgerton have signed on to be drenched in blood and guts. Winstead will play Kate Lloyd, a Ph.D. candidate who travels with Norwegian scientists to Antartica to investigate an alien craft frozen in the ice. The alien escapes and begins systematically ripping the scientists limb-from-limb. Edgerton plays Sam Carter, the badass helicopter pilot who doesn't trust them queefy doctors and trusts his own gut over their rich-boy "science." He eventually teams with Winstead to destroy the Thing.I've got mixed feelings about this prequel. I like this casting and am eager to see who else signs on, but this group of filmmakers has their work cut out for them despite their talents. The original was so good that the bar was set impossibly high. Also impossibly high, anyone who thinks this will measure up to the original. (THR)
Joe Johnston has been pressin' it up for The Wolfman and he's taking that opportunity to talk about his upcoming Captain America, or The First Avenger: Captain America as it is known by fans of using too many words. Casting hasn't been announced yet but is expected to shortly. Ryan McPartlin from Chuck said that he read for the part and we're sure most of young Hollywood has as well. Except for the ugly ones naturally.Johnston's biggest announcement so far is that the Red Skull will appear as the main villian in the film, which comes as a shock to no one. To the best of my knowledge, Captain America only has two enemies: Red Skull and that dude with the skull that is red. Johnston also spoke briefly about the framework of the film."We will see the Captain America villain, the main villain, the Red Skull. But it's the origin story. It's how he became Captain America in World War II. There are present-day bookends, but it's his origin story. And we decided you only get one shot at telling an origin story, so you might as well tell it first."Yes. You only get one shot at telling an origin story. Especially for comic book movies. Unless of course we're talking about The Hulk, The Punisher, The Fantastic Four, Daredevil, or Spider-Man. Otherwise, you only get one shot. Oh yeah, also Batman. (HitFix)
Twilight hunkA hunkA hunkA Taylor Lautner is going to be Stretch Armstrong in Universal's latest attempt to turn every board game into a 3D movie. You don't care about this news, I don't care about this news, but I still find the above picture amusing. This thing also (kinda) has a plot. Taylor would play Armstrong "an uptight spy who stumbles across a stretching formula, which he takes and must now adjust to in everyday life and when fighting crime.” Where I come from that's called an erection. And believe me, it takes more than 90 minutes to adjust to it.Steve Oedekerk wrote the screenplay and crazy-haired Brian Grazer is producing. No director is on board yet, but the economy is making a slow comeback so it may take a little longer to find one. Unless Shawn Levy is an avid fan of Screen Junkies and is fervently dialing his agent at the same time he's finishing this post. (THR)
As punishment for not giving "The Situation" the part, the producer woke up to find Snookie under his sheets.Here are your weekend links.25 Greatest Garbage Pail Kids (HolyTaco)Brazilian Comentator Faints on Live TV (TotalProSports)Insider Says Watchmen Sequel Not Happening (Moviefone)If Famous Directors Direct The Super Bowl (FilmDrunk)Does Chaeil Sonnen Have Your Attention Yet? (CagePotato)15 Anti-Climactic Movie Posters (Unreality)80's-Influenced Technology Available Now (Asylum)UFC's Kenda Perez Pics (Maxim)Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift are Dating (CelebJihad)George Lucas:Hero or Heretic (Pajiba)Val Kilmer Unravels The Super Bowl (Atom)6 Easy Steps to Bone-Crushing Tackles (MadeMan)You May Be Infected with Danica Fever (AllLeftTurns)
Blog. Fap. Repeat.HBO is cranking it up to ten with a series about the exciting world of movie blogging. The show, entitled Cheetos For Lunch Tilda, is being developed with hopes of going to pilot by Bill Condon (Dreamgirls, Kinsey) and Cynthia Mort (Tell Me You Love Me). It focuses on a tough female entertainment journalist with a "no-holds-barred style." HBO seems like the perfect home for a project like this. There's no way you could get away with the requisite blogger-pantslessness on regular networks. Also, the Entourage crossovers seem like a given. Here's an excerpt:JOHNNY DRAMA: Oh no! My sex tape leaked and now all of Hollywood knows I have a small donger!TILDA: (adjusts camel toe) TOLDJA!Comparisons were drawn immediately to Deadline Hollywood's Nikki Finke. Yet she hasn't responded to this at all. Weird. I hope that she's okay. Somebody please drive by her place to make sure she's not concussed while I call all the morgues. (THR)
Epix – Samuel Kinisons Mowing the Lawn – Watch more Funny VideosSam Kinison's tantrums and red-faced, eye-bulging screamfests influenced a ton of stand-ups, including famous ranter Denis Leary. On Saturday February 6th, EPIX will be featuring Kinison Back From Hell. Comedians including Chris Rock, Kathy Griffin and Denis Leary gather to pay tribute to the man who turned rage into an art form. Filmed in part at Sam Kinison's familiar Los Angeles stomping ground The Comedy Store, this documentary weaves performance footage and interviews to offer some fresh perspective on a truly original voice in comedy. Bring your earplugs and your grievances to the living room with you. Right now, EPIX is offering invite codes to EpixHD.com from 2/4 through 2/7 that are good for four-days of access.
The King of BurpsDue to my aversion to looking at Peyton Manning's square head, the only reason I was planning to watch this Sunday's Super Bowl was for the commercials. And now I won't have to even do that. Yesterday we had the Shutter Island leak and today we have an epic look at Ridley Scott's Robin Hood. Why pay the kajillion dollars for Super Bowl ad time when you're just going to release the spot beforehand? In spite of that, I gotta say that the movie looks pretty good. It's pretty much Robin Hood: The Fatter Years, which is to say a gritty look at the outlaw marauder before he got Disneyfied. Imagine Braveheart with Russell Crowe as H.A.I.C. (Head Australian In Charge) as well as some scenes with boats (I don't think I have to tell you how popular boats are). Let's hope this one is a hit. Russell Crowe seems like a really humble and appreciative guy. I'd hate to see him fail. Unlike Manning. His head looks like a damn olive oil can. HAVE AN EARLY LOOK AT THE SPOT AFTER THE JUMP…
Back in 1988 James Cameron made a terrible decision to direct a music video for Bill Paxton's band Martini Ranch. I'm sure the final product has been haunting him ever since, a horrible display of mariachis and teased hair that not even his domination at the box office can banish from his mind's eye. Ooooo is that Kathryn Bigelow?! Why in God's name don't they show more of her? And why is she wearing so many articles of clothing? Bustiers abound in this P.O.S. and Cameron doesn't slap one on Kathryn. If I wasn't so terrified of you, James, I'd give you angry fist shake. (Cinematical)
Kelly Brannigan is briefcase number 24 on that gameshow hosted by the germaphobe. She was also voted Biggest Flirt in high school. I guess that's what happens when you strut to class in your bra with a pitbull.A word from Kelly: "I'm briefcase number 24."I don't have documentation of Kelly actually saying the above, but I have to believe she's given that answer when someone asked her directions to the airport.After the jump see why it's unnecessary for Kelly to speak.
Be the hardest geek in yo' hood with these life-size replicas of the burners from best picture nominee District 9. Them heads at Peter Jackson's Weta Workshop is slingin' the Gas Generator and Arc Generator pieces for 5 c-notes each. So, if you beefin' with some Trekkie who needs to get got, now you got the hardware to do so. Aaassa lama lakum, my brotha. (via /Film)
DOUBLE nut shot? BAHhahahaha! Tracy Morgan gets it right in between the legs and then he gives it to a 10-year-old. My vivid description really doesn't do the scene justice. And that is mainly what the Cop Out red band trailer is all about. I'll admit, it's funnier than the first oral-sex-conversationless trailer, but I fear I still can't get behind this movie. Tracy Morgan has grown on me in 30 Rock, I just don't know if I can tolerate his unique line delivery for 90 minutes. It always sounds like his throat is seizing up and he's choking out words seconds before his death. Check out the trailer below. It has a crude drawing in it. (Hint: It's a penis…with balls.)
Chris Sparling attracted a lot of buzz with his script for Buried. After landing on the Black List, the film wooed Ryan Reynolds and was screened at Sundance to rave reviews. Lionsgate quickly bought the film and plan to distribute. Now, the screenwriter has parlayed that success into the sale of another script to the Safran Co. and Gold Circle Films. Newcomer David Brooks will direct.ATM is an action script that doesn't center around licking someone's butt. Actually it's about three co-workers who — on a routine stop at an ATM — unexpectedly end up in a desperate fight for their lives. I'm assuming this means they get held up or car-jacked. But I'm hoping it's a story about a guy's necktie getting caught in a killer, man-eating ATM.Could happen. (Variety)
Arrested Development with a Laugh Track – Watch more Funny VideosIt's amazing to witness how canned laughter can rape and murder genuine laughter. Arrested Development is one of my favorite shows of all time, so watching the above clip stirs an anger deep inside of me usually reserved for fat, ugly people who think they're smokin' hot. Hey, shows that still use a laugh track. Stop leaning on your crutch and write better material! Hey, fat, ugly person. Your massive cleavage doesn't make you less ugly! (Gawker)Here are today's pretty links.Check Out Top Rated Super Bowl Commercials (Break)Flowchart to Determine What You Should On Super Bowl Sunday (HolyTaco) Anna Kournikova Makes a Fan Horny (TotalProSports) Deciding on the Worst Movie Ever (Moviefone) Miley Cyrus's Sister ISN'T Wearing Lingerie (FilmDrunk) UC 109 Participants Make Super Bowl Predictions (CagePotato) 7 Must Have Gadgets from 80s Movies and TV (Unreality) Plus Size Swingers Take Over Jamaica (Asylum) Hooters Girls Explain Football (Maxim) Lock Up Your Whores Tiger Woods Leaving Rehab (CelebJihad) 15 Most Memorable Closing Credit Songs (Pajiba) The Berry/Steve Agee Experiment (Atom) Super Bowl Snacks to Keep You Slim (MadeMan) Behold, Snack Food Stadium! (AllLeftTurns) My Girlfriend is Stinky Down Below, What Now? (RegretfulMorning)