A captain never gets a minute to himself.
Someone named BigSugar imagined what it would be like if a development exec asked them to write a movie based on Slinky, the big metal coil for kids. The truly frightening part is with all the board game and Magic 8 Ball movies in development, this meeting is probably scheduled for a writer for Monday. (JohnAugust)
Here are your weekend links.
Six Second Review: 'The Switch' (Moviefone)
Crack Dealer Celebrates 13th Birthday In Jail (Asylum)
The 12 Greatest Real-Life Superheroes Of All Time (Ranker)
25 Pictures Of Women Doing Manly Things (HolyTaco)
'Super-Hip' Seattle Pastor Doesn't Like Twilight (FilmDrunk)
It's Beer Fest Season! (Maxim)
Back To School Shaping Up To Be Cool (BarStoolSports)
Classic Comic Book Ads (EgoTV)
Juliette Lewis Career Assessment (Pajiba)
Alternate Ending TO Popular Movies (Unreality)
Give'em Your Balls, Oakland A's Ball Boy Picks Up Chicks (TotalProSports)
3D Movie Revamps We'd Like To See (Smosh)
Justin Bieber Has Sex With A Manatee (CelebJihad)
15 Words For Vagina That Women Hate (BroBible)
Kimbo Slice To Make A Lot Of Money As A Mediocre Boxer (CagePotato)
DJ Marc Mysterio Sues Brandy For Millions (PopEater)
Snoop Dogg Blows Up Armored Truck (MadeMan)
Adam Scott is so certain that you'll like his new film Piranha 3D that if you don't, he'll personally come over to your house and act out his scenes for you and yours friends. At least, that's what he tweeted yesterday. Today, he laid out the stipulations for Vanity Fair, which I'm betting most of you would willingly abide by for his visit:
“Few things: Will need the aforementioned firearm and fish. Will also need local Elisabeth Shue look-alike to run dialogue with, a plaid shirt, two high-fives (one before we run the scenes, one after), peanut M&M’s, a map with the closest Red Roof Inn circled on it (I won’t be staying there, I just like knowing where it is. I’ll be staying with you), a 700-word essay on why you neglected to recognize that Piranha 3D totally f**king shreds, Perrier, a quick guitar lesson, one grenade, dinner with your family, and directions to the airport.”
The only request I have a problem with is the 700-word essay. If there's one thing I can't stand in this world, it's mandated writing. When I put fingertips to keyboard it's on my own terms, Scott. (Movieline)
Bosnia Rambo possesses the artillery, brawn, and balls to take down whatever enemy may cross his path. The only problem is he's not shooting his bullets and arrows at anyone. It's just Bosnia Rambo, firing off into nothingness and crouching down low so a snake can slither its way across his rifle. Sure, snakes can make anyone look bad-ass, but present enemies really hit home that fact. If the director would just cut in some shots of some other dude firing back this video would be exxxtreeeeeeme!
Check out Bosnia Rambo in action after the jump…
Tim Burton will reunite with Ed Wood screenwriters Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski to bring dark humor and spiral staircases to the 3D stop motion animated The Addams Family. The new adaptation will be more faithful to the original Charles Addams drawings in The New Yorker, and less faithful to Christopher Llyod. The writers want "the tone to be as darkly funny and subversive as the Addams drawings, and we've come up with an approach that nobody has ever done before."
This pairing gets a huge thumbs up on my end. Ed Wood might be my favorite Tim Burton movie ever, and Alexander and Karaszewski also wrote The People vs. Larry Flynt, another fantastic biopic. The Addams Family seems to be more in Burton's wheelhouse than in the writers's, but perhaps they can rein Burton in when he decides that EVERYTHING needs to look like a bad LSD trip. (Deadline)
Whoever wins, Sesame Street loses. (Shawn King)
Riley Steele, a current popular star in the porn biz, makes her official big screen debut with Piranha 3D. From nude underwater swimming with Kelly Brook and making out with Jessica Szohr, the movie puts her adult entertainment assets to good use.
A word from Riley: "What matters most is how you see yourself."
Naked or clothed? Because there's a world of difference.
More pics of Riley after the jump…
David Slade, director of Twilight Eclipse, 30 Days of Night, and Hard Candy, is the lead contender to helm the sequel to the X-Men Wolverine spin-off, the aptly titled, Wolverine 2. His sole competition is Robert Schwentke, who last directed The Time Traveler's Wife, and has the upcoming Bruce Willis vehicle, Red. Hugh Jackman himself will pick the winner, so let the ass-kissing begin. According to Vulture, "A well-placed source inside the production insists: 'It's going to be Slade.'" Looks like someone already sent a fruit bouquet to someone else's house.
I suppose I'd prefer Slade to Schwentke since I'm a big fan of Hard Candy and he made the least sh*ttiest Twilight movie, but I feel strongly that the sequel to Wolverine couldn't be any worse than the original no matter who's directing.
Oh no. I've gone and done it again. I've said the words that release the evil genie who travels on a bed of Cheetos dust.
Paramount has forked over one million bones to Art Marcum and Matt Holloway to reimagine a new live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. The studio wants this to be their next massive franchise, like Transformers, and to get the ball rolling ASAP. Considering it's been in development since last year, they're off to a slow start. Paramount's itching for a first draft by October so they can get it out to directors for a 2012 release. Never mind taking precious time to develop the story and characters. There's money to be reaped!
Writers Marcum and Holloway wrote the first Iron Man and just finished the Highlander reboot. They seem like the perfect pair for a reimaging of films that are very near and dear to my heart. Except for the stupid third one where the TMNTs go to Japan. Who dare debate me on The Ooze being the best film in the 90s live action trilogy? Draw your sais in the comments section. Also check out Michelangelo giving SJ a shout-out after the jump. (Deadline)
The development of a film entitled MILF may seem slightly overdue, but perhaps like a MILF itself, it's best to wait until it's ripe for the picking. Carla Gugino is in talks to star in MILF, only the acronym stands for "Mothers I'd Like to Fight" instead of the meaning you know and love and use on a daily basis.
Gugino would play a woman recently released from prison, hellbent on revenge, who "returns to the street to take care of some unfinished business." It's basically the same idea as Faster, which she is starring in with Dwayne Johnson, except this time she'll do the revenging instead of the chasing of the revenger. From her work in Watchmen, Sin City, and the upcoming Sucker Punch, it's evident that Gugino can handle herself and a gun if necessary. Fingers crossed we can hope for some fighting as well as the other kind of F in MILF. Friendship. (Collider)
He is a killer whale, afterall. (Buzzfeed)
Links to ruin your childhood memories.
Is 'The Switch' Accurate? (Moviefone)
NYC Man Ran $830,000 Bingo Scam (Asylum)
9 Biggest WTF Ice Cream Truck Incidents Ever (Ranker)
25 Awesome Stage Crasher Videos (HolyTaco)
Frocast #10: Montanta Fishburne, Knives Out For Scott Pilgrim (FilmDrunk)
Hot Chicks In The Kitchen (Maxim)
Denver Cops Just Beating The Sh*t Out Of Passerby Again (BarStoolSports)
Classic Mad Magazine Covers (EgoTV)
The Case Of The Disappearing Teen Actor (Pajiba)
The Very Real, Very Ridiculous Alternate Ending Of Titanic (Unreality)
9 Greatest Simpsons Sports Cameos (TotalProSports)
19 Uncanny Celebrity Look Alikes (Smosh)
Would You Eat A KFC "Skinwich' If It Was Real? (BroBible)
Angelina Jolie Charged In Murder Of Her 6 Children (CelebJihad)
Tim Kennedy Continues To Prove He Is Awesome/Terrifying (CagePotato)
Battle Of The Geeks At Geek Awards (PopEater)
Your Personal Shark Submarine (MadeMan)
I hope you're all well-rested because the casting search for Spider-man's girlfriend has finally kicked off. We're going to track this thing over the next few months until director Marc Webb and Sony cut through all the bullsh*t and send out an official press release. Oh you better believe there are going to be rumors galore that we'll report on until you beg for mercy. But even then we won't quit because this is Spider-man damnit! You NEED to know every. Single. Little. Detail about every decision made and every actress cast aside. So let's get the hell on with it then. I'M PUMPED!
The first batch of frontrunners to possibly share an on-screen kiss with Spider-man are Teresa Palmer, Imogen Poots, Emma Roberts, Ophelia Lovibond, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, and Lily Collins. Haven't heard of half of them? Yeah, well you hadn't heard of Andrew Garfield either but he's Spider-man now, isn't he? My vote is for Lily Collins simply because she's the spawn of Phil Collins. Maybe she can get her dad to write an original song for the film. Eeeeeeeeeee!!! (Vulture)
She's ready for her close-up.
Maggie Gyllenhaal and Hugh Dancy have signed on for Hysteria, a comedy that focuses upon the invention of the vibrator and its effect on society in Victorian England. Jonathan Pryce and Rupert Everett are attached to co-star (OF COURSE). In the film, Dancy plays a doctor who uses a radical, new electronic device to toss off women who suffer from "hysteria," a malady whose symptoms include irritiability, anger, and unexplained tears. Weird, you can cure all those problems with a simple belt. That's how Dad did it. (Variety)
Paramount has finally set a release date for Case 39. After sitting on the shelf for close to three years, the Renee Zellweger horror flick will see the light of day on October 1st. And probably DVD on October 11th. B-ZING!!!
In the film, Zellweger saves a little girl from an abusive home, only to find out that evil follows the kid everywhere. People start dying all around them, and it turns into a fight for survival. That's pretty admirable. I'd be all like, "Sucks to be you. Good luck with that whole being haunted thing."
Seriously though, check out the trailer after the jump. It's spooky.
Mark Wahlberg and his producing partner Steve Levinson are busy dotting i's and crossing t's on "Entourage" and the upcoming "Boardwalk Empire," but that doesn't mean they don't have time for porn. The two are working on a series for HBO that will delve into the porn business using actors and adult performers. James Frey, the guy who lied to Oprah about being a drug addict, will write the pilot. The New York Post has the dirty details:
"The plot will focus on a giant video company under siege from Internet competitors and a girl from the Midwest whose boyfriend convinces her to move to Los Angeles to become a star," the Post wrote.
"We're going to make a sprawling epic about the porn business in LA," Frey told the paper." We're going to tell the type of stories no one else has told before, and go places no one has gone before."
While still keeping it grounded in reality? Alright, Frey, I'll believe you this time, but if I find out you're lying to me again I'm going to be extremely disappointed. Portraying explicit sexual acts without the facts to back them up is irresponsible and appalling. Unless there's oil.
If by now you don't know what Chatroulette is than you probably think you're reading this on a toaster. Chatroulette offers people the opportunity to randomly video chat with one another, troll for hot chicks, or in more encounters than not, watch a dude masturbate. Some companies even set up fake feeds to advertise their products and websites. This is the exact approach Lionsgate took advantage of for this brilliant viral video for The Last Exorcism. Watch as dudes land on a hot chick hoping to get a flash of the goods, but instead get freaked the f*ck out. Kudos, marketing execs. Kudos.
Land on the hilarious video after the jump…
Jessica Szohr hails from "Gossip Girl." She shows off her talents there alongside Blake Lively, and in the upcoming Piranha 3D. While not the best material for an up-and-comer, they do highlight her well-mixed beauty and overdone appeal of consumerism gone mad.
A word from Jessica: "When I have a craving for something, I just can't hold myself back."
So you should be very understanding of the fish in the film you're currently starring in.
More pics of Jessica after the jump…
Once in a blue moon, a passion project comes together with all the right elements and you know it's going to blow people's minds. Havana Heat is that project. I don't know who called in what favors to make this a reality, but Joey Lawrence and Wesley Snipes are starring in the indie actioner for director Dean Hamilton, who's best known for his work on Blonde and Blonder.
"Havana Heat" centers on a Homeland Security agent based at Guantanomo who's murdered while undercover in Havana, where betrayal and intrigue take place against a backdrop of crumbling colonial architecture and vintage American cars.
Betrayal and intrigue and Lawrence and Snipes. That's either a film I can't wait to see or a law firm I don't want to be represented by. Shooting starts in November at an undisclosed location, but we've been assured all of the permits are in order. The red tape regarding Snipes in public places is ridiculous. (Variety)
Here we have a trailer for the Fair Game that doesn't include a naked Cindy Crawford. Doug Liman's Fair Game tackles the true life story of Valerie Plame and Joe Wilson. The story goes as follows: Bush wanted to go to war, so his administration misappropriated information from Joe Wilson's report detailing why war wasn't necessary. Wilson wrote a New York Times editorial, explaining their deception, which sparked a huge controversy. As revenge, the administration outed Plame (Wilson's wife) as a CIA agent to the world. That's cold. You don't mess with a Congressman's boo like that.
In the film, Plame is played by Naomi Watts and Wilson is played by Sean Penn. So don't expect a bloody shoot-out in the Oval Office as the film's climax. You'll have to wait for the John Cena version for that.
Watch the "ripped from the headlines" trailer after the jump…
Director: Doug Liman
Cast: Naomi Watts, Sean Penn, Ty Burrell, Sam Shepard, Noah Emmerich
Synopsis: a CIA agent is revealed by White House officials allegedly out to discredit her husband after he wrote a 2003 New York Times op-ed piece saying that the Bush administration had manipulated intelligence about weapons of mass destruction to justify the invasion of Iraq.
Release Date: November 5th, 2010
Here's the latest Inception mash-up for you, and hopefully one of the last. It's not that adding the Inception score to Christmas Vacation is a bad idea, it's just that this process could go on forever. Even Larry the Cable Guy's Witless Protection could be funny if mashed-up in such a manner. Alright, maybe not that movie, but you get my point.
Watch Clark Griswold lose his sh*t after the jump…
Is it October yet? Damn. I'm counting down the days until AMC premieres "The Walking Dead." Judging from the line at the Comic-Con panel, I'm not the only one. The network has released a ton of materials to whet our appetites — stills, cast pics, a plethora of behind the scenes videos — and they're keeping them coming.
Here we have a series of images showing Rick Grimes attempt to make it out of Atlanta alive on horseback. Shoot, that's hard enough to do without being surrounded by the undead masses. Things don't pan out well for him. Or the horse. The zombies obviously haven't watched Food, Inc.. (AMC)
Check out the ghastly new images after the jump…
Batman Robs a Taco Bell – Watch more Funny Videos
First Darth Vader and now this? The caped crusader must have been in desperate need of a fourth meal.
Chow down on these links.
Pretty Lite TV Debuts This Fall (TVSquad)
New Law Makes Strangling Somebody Illegal (Asylum)
20 Most Annoyingly Over-Used Movie Trailer Songs (Ranker)
25 New Laws For Elmhurst, Illinois (HolyTaco)
Has Steven Seagal Lost Weight? (FilmDrunk)
7 Awesome Mascot Beatdowns (Maxim)
Fake Virgins All The Rage In China (BarStoolSports)
Ridiculous Roundhouse Kick Knockout (EgoTV)
5 Reasons Why/Why not Supermodels Should Act In Movies (Pajiba)
The Evolution Of The Batsuit (Unreality)
Star Wars Graffiti (Smosh)
Jenny McCarthy Insults Muslim Women Worldwide (CelebJihad)
Enson's 750-Mile Vision Quest Is Off To A Rocky Start (CagePotato)
God Why? Justin Bieber Will Record With Kanye (PopEater)
8 Hottest Female Golfers (MadeMan)
Stringer Bell from "The Wire," actor Idris Elba, is taking over for Morgan Freeman as Dr. Alex Cross in Cross. The new installment of the James Patterson best selling novels will be directed by David Twohy, who will also rewrite the Kerry Williamson penned script.
Morgan Freeman chased after psychopaths as Cross in Kiss the Girls and Along Came a Spider, and he did it with class and a soothing tenor. Idris should carry the torch nicely, as he is a great talent who demonstrated on "The Wire" he can pop a cap in an ass, while on "The Office" he showed off his comedic chops. As a side note: doesn't it wrinkle your brain when British actors who you didn't know were British speak with a British accent? Quit fooling us, Red Coats! (Deadline)
A trailer for the new season of "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" runs through all the weird sh*t that has happened in seasons past. Not sure if this to inspire viewers to watch, or to make them realize, "Why the hell did I watch this crap?" But before that thought can sink in, they hit us with the image of a jailed Justin Bieber. I have a feeling he's only in there because he wants to be. He's like The Joker.
Check it out after jump…
Dexter's world literally turns upside down in this new promo where Michael C. Hall moves into a spacious fully-furnished cement mixer with an ocean view. The new season premieres with Dexter squaring off against Robo-Cop on Sunday, September 26th at 9pm so expect the Showtime hype-machine to go into overdrive. Dexter on buses, billboards, and on magazines. Just don't expect to see any ads on Awesome Husband and Dad Quarterly.
Have a look at the lazily green-screened promo after the jump…
In this month's issue of Interview Magazine, Ben Affleck tosses questions at Blake Lively, who stars in his latest directorial effort, The Town. She gave answers and stuff, but more importantly, there are hot pics of her locked in a holding cell! In a publication where the visuals usually come second to the copy, I'm surprised they printed a spread that makes you totally forget what reading is.
Check out the pics of Blake after the jump…
Ashlynn Brooke is the "Queen Of The XXX Porn Parodies." From 30 Rock: A XXX Parody to Seinfeld: A XXX Parody, she has done them all in the last 5 years. While not taking one for the XXX team, she'll be popping up her talents in Piranha 3D this week as the fitfully suite "Cheerleader" character, nude in 3D, of course.
A word from Ashlynn: "I love my job and I love to please people."
It's very rare that a person loves their job. Do it until it hurts.
More pics of Ashlynn after the jump…
Here's another movie montage for the masses. "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you" is one of those overused lines from cinema and television that for some reason never gets old. Use it on your next outing to a bar. It's a fabulous ice breaker and always gets the ladies to crack a smile. They'll be pleased you have a sense of humor, and will be holding out hope that you you're a spy. They'll know by morning that you're not.
You could watch the montage after the jump, but then I'd have to kill you.