There's this race in Portland, OR called the I-Tit-Arod where dudes have to go to every strip club in town and have a drink within 24 hours. There are something like 90 clubs. No one has ever finished the race. I hope there's a similar competition during the Inaugural Balls where young, brash Charlie-Wilson-esque state representatives have to stop at each party, chug a glass of scotch, sexually harass three Senate aids, and lobby for a new bridge in their home district. I'd call it the Inagarod. Now here's the links. A Shitty Day In The Life Of An Informmercial Actor (IAMBORED) The Music of Mark Gormley Is F'Ing Amazing (Gorilla Mask) ZOOEY WHATSERFACE IS CUTE (Filmdrunk) The Ten Greatest Lost WTF-isms (Unrealitymag) Because I Ain't Gonna See It: A Waltz With Bashir Review (Pajiba) Totally Not TV or Movie Related: Denise Milani Is Hot (Holytaco)
This is basically the last night that you will sleep while George W. Bush is your president. For some of you this may be the sad parting of a hawkish visionary who's tough guy politics heralded in a new era of American dominance. Others may be puking joy as Commander Dickface heads back to Crawford or Dallas or wherever to hopefully wither into obscurity and never talk in a public forum again. Whatever side you may be on, we will all most likely wake up tomorrow and things will basically be the same. Celebrate this new epoch of sameness with Screenjunkies and some of our link friends. Everyone Likes Sexy Commercials (UNCOACHED) Someone is Stealing the Jonas Brothers Underwear (Webster Is My Bitch) Planet 51 Looks Like Space Shrek For Jerkwads (Unreality Mag) GRAN TORINO REVIEW: GET OFF MY LAWN, GOOK (Filmdrunk) The 5 Worst-Selling Inauguration T-Shirts (Holy Taco)
I could spend all day listening to the quasi-poetic ramblings of boxing's greatest mouth. Mike Tyson is the dream realized. Poor kid from a rough neighborhood, no formal education, rising to the top of his sport only to get busted for sexual assault and chewing people's ears off in fights. Now he's still got that face tattoo and a new documentary coming out.And if you are not one of the 6 million people that has see this 'best moments' comp, then do yourself a favor.
I really hope that you are not out marching for racial justice on this historic MLK Day. Because WWTD posted a clip of Joaquin's AMAZING performance in Vegas this weekend. Please watch the entire thing. And then please have your say. Is this all a joke or is Phoenix really having one of the most amazing on-camera melt-downs in Hollywood history?More Good Monay Morning Stuff:Ever Wonder What Happend To Steve Gutenberg? (IAMBORED)WATCHING NOTORIOUS IS DANGEROUS (Filmdrunk)Why Fart and Waste It When You Can Burp and Taste It? (Pajiba)WENDY MAKES AMERICA PROUD (Holytaco)
It just keeps getting weirder and weirder with Joaquin. We published an Op Ed that he penned a few months back about his experience as an actor. We also posted the video when he first announced that he would be quitting acting to pursue his "music." We later learned that that "music" would be rap music with rumors of an album produced by Diddy. But this interview, done last night before his performance in Vegas is winning the battle of bizarre. Apparently Casey Affleck has been making a documentary about this entire process of Phoenix trying to launch his rap career. Which makes me think that this entire thing is just some awesome meta hollywood joke. Please let it be that. Otherwise the closest possibility is that he's addicted to model airplane glue.
There's nothing more you could you ask for in a movie that has blood, boobs, and psychopathic killers–in 3D!!! My Bloody Valentine isn't going to be a critic favorite, it's just going to be freakin' fun as hell. Also this weekend– Paul Blart drives his segway around a mall, and Biggie Smalls comes back to cinematic life. But 3D Boobs always prevail. Always.
"Ah this Captain EO about which you speak has convinced me that the best possible weapon against the West is a paralyzing dance routine. We mush develop this capability now. Please find me this Magic Space Negro, and bring him to Tehran." JOAQUIN PHOENIX IS HIGH ON PCP (UPDATE) (Filmdrunk) Worst Wheel Of Fortune Player EVER (IAMBORED) Kate Hudson Looks Good In Leather (Hollywoodtuna) Philip Seymour Hoffman To Direct Movie About Stoned Cab Driver The Return Of 3D (Sound and Vision) And one more video after the jizz-ump.
This is basically the "urban" version of RocknRolla. With the dude from Scrubs. And Mos Def. Synopsis: When a UPS driver delivers a package containing bricks of cocaine to the wrong address, it sets into motion a battle of wills and wits between the dealer, the intended recipients, and the people who have the drugs and plan to sell them off.Obvious Question: What? UPS delivers packages containing bricks of Cocaine? Jesus that would have made my life WAY simpler, and my colon way less stretched.
Jesus I want that bike and those shorts and that shirt and that TV.
That's right bitch, try to run from me and I'm going to BODY CHECK YOU THROUGH A CHAIN LINK FENCE. Then I'm going to fly tackle you off a roof, smash a car, and put a gun in your face. ITS HARD TO TALK WITH A GUN IN YOUR MOUTH, ISN'T IT? HUH!?? SEE, YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY YES. Fast and Furious = BADASS.
Here's your morning news links from our trusted, if not somewhat perverted friends.CASTING HUNTER S. THOMPSON’S RUM DIARY (Filmdrunk)R.I.P. Prison Break (Pajiba)McG responds to Bay’s bitchin’(Filmonic)Crank 2 and Outlander Movie Posters (/Film)Fresh Prince Of Bell Air To Venture 20,000 Leagues Under Sea (Joblo)Karate Kid Remake Just Got A Dose Of Retarded Awesome (Playlist)
Those kids in Norway LOVE that death metal. So much that they can almost scream to the point of making themselves puke their lunch (herring salad) onto their knee high lace up leather boots. I give the dude an E for effort. I would give him an A if the competition was to sound like a half-retarded cat caught in a wood-chipper.Thanks to Stan for the tip.
A few weeks back our fellow inmates at Holy Taco posted the Predator Rap. Now, as a followup, here's the official To Catch A Predator Rap. Kudos to these MC's.
It's cool that Neil Patrick Harris is able to poke fun at himself. I'd imagine it came from a meeting with an agent sometime in his early twenties where an Ari Gold type said "Listen. You can either die being known as a pussy little boy genius douche on that shit storm of a crap show or you can listen to what I say and let the world know how much you love hookers and blow. It's your career, jerkwad."
Synopsis: An elite group of soldiers on a covert mission to retrieve a scientist from an underground lab encounter an ancient evil in the facility.Cuba Gooding Jr: Probably has some gambling debt to pay off.
I didn't get the point of Gran Torino. I also don't get the point when racist old people ramble about how discontent they are with what the world has become. But much like Gran Torino, I enjoy the every-loving hell out of watching them do it.
Our pals at FOD just sent this over. There are some pretty damn funny parts. Im going to leave my office right now and go Bacon the ever living hell out of some unsuspecting people who deserve it. Also, I REALLY hope they make one of these with Gary Busey as soon as he is through shooting his current project for A&E entitled "I Am Bat Shit Crazier Than A Crap House Rat." It's a docudrama.
I missed my screener for Gran Tornio, so I can't give you my personal opinion of the flick. But word on the street is that it's a solid film, so it leads our list of recommendations for the weekend. There are also a few more worth checking out that do NOT involve Clint Eastwood growling racial slurs at minorities.
Note the excellent usage of GNR's Sweet Child Of Mine. Took me a second to realize what I was listening to. I particularly like the contrast between silky, feminine vocals and a dude getting his dome microwaved. I'm always in for a good revenge flick where good people are capable of doing gruesome things. This one might be just that.
You know when you put your hand in something really disgusting and you want to make other people smell it? That what Worst Of The Week is about. I get dog crap on my internet eyeballs and have to show it to others. But instead of actual excrement, it's a clip or a trailer from a movie that just should not have been made. A cinematic turd that makes you question why some people work so hard to make such garbage. This weeks video is a beautiful little gem called Salvaging Space. And looks really, really bad.
This weekemd you have the choice of watching a creepy devil child try to inhabit a beautiful brunette, or a grizzled old Eastwood battling some gangsters. Along with that, you have the premiere of the 7th season of 24, which will be awesome. The Unborn The Unborn Trailer 2 – Watch more Movie Trailer
From what I can tell by this poster, revenge is in fact coming. And it will be arriving on June 26th of this year, and it will have red eyes that look like they are back-lit by the bonfires of HELL. I'm not sure the best way to prepare for it, but I'm guessing everybody needs to be ready for SOME F'ING AWESOME EXPLOSIONS AND FIGHTING ROBOTS. Invest in fire extinguisher stocks, wash you're awesome-proof vest, and buy some new helmet polish: S$%& JUST GOT REAL. Here's some more news that we've been following.
A team of mercenaries head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator.Director: Sylvester StalloneCast: Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Forest Whitaker, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Randy Couture (!)Release: 2010
Title: The Slammin' Salmon Director: Kevin Heffernan Cast: Michael Clarke Duncan, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paul Soter, Erik Stolhanske Synopsis: Former heavyweight boxing champ, Cleon Salmon, is the celebrity owner of an upscale Miami restaurant. In debt to the Yakuza, the Champ “inspires” his waitstaff with a one-night-only contest: Top selling waiter gets $10,000; lowest selling waiter gets his face punched in by the Champ himself. Genre: Comedy Release Date: January 17, 2009
Ninja Assassin follows Raizo (Rain), one of the deadliest assassins in the world. Taken from the streets as a child, he was transformed into a trained killer by the Ozunu Clan, a secret society whose very existence is considered a myth. But haunted by the merciless execution of his friend by the Clan, Raizo breaks free from them and vanishes. Now he waits, preparing to exact his revenge.Director: James McTeigueRelease Date: July 29th, 2009Rating: N/A
Generation Kill was the single most badass TV show of last year because it showed the totally f'd up circumstances that Marines had to deal with in Iraq. It had everything that a show needs. This movie seems similar, specifically with IED's. Here's the official synopsis:Forced to play a dangerous game of cat-and-mouse in the chaos of war, an elite Army bomb squad unit must come together in a city where everyone is a potential enemy and every object could be a deadly bomb.This movie is on my list of most anticipated films of 2009. No word on the release date as of yet. We'll keep you posted, Grunt.
Title: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li Director: Andrzej Bartkowiak Cast: Michael Clarke Duncan, Kristin Kreuk, Moon Bloodgood, Neal McDonough, Chris Klein Synopsis: A live-action Street Fighter film that focuses on the origins of Chun Li and her quest for justice. How goofy is her helicopter kick going to look? This movie hits in February but we've yet to see an English-language trailer. Genre: Action & Adventure Release Date: February 27, 2009
Josh Brolin and Jeffery Wright were cleared of any wrongdoing in a bar fight that happened last july in Louisiana during the filming of W. TMZ has a video which we posted after the jump. The controversy surrounding the arrest stems from Wright being tased. Now, having seen this video, I kind of understand why they did it. He's putting up a bit of a fight as the cops try to cuff him, while Brolin bascally chills on his knees. I mean seriously, bros have gotten the blue shock treatment for WAY less, especially in the South. That and more in our morning news.
Synopsis: Luc Besson writes this follow-up to his 2004 Parcours-based film Banlieue 13 (District 13 here in the US). In the year 2010 the worst ghettos in Paris have been walled off. The French have decided to bomb Banlieue 13 out of existence. The first film was heralded for it's kinetic action scenes and the sequel looks to have more of the same. Releases Feb 18th in France. US release is TBD.
We are still in the days of TV experimentation, and tonight just may be the riskiest decision. Yep, we're watching Knight Rider, because it's been written up as being "nothing more than car-porn," or being "so delectably bad that you have to watch it just to tell your grandchildren that you were there," and because tonight's episode involves rescuing Vanessa Williams from terrorists. To cleanse the palate, VH1 is offering the 40 greatest pranks of all-time.