Gary, take about one-million steps to the left.Gary Oldman must owe someone money. The extremely versatile and talented actor is set to star in the crime thriller Guns, Girls & Gambling alongside the not versatile and talented Dane Cook and Christian Slater. Alright, Slater deserves some cred, mainly for Kuffs, but still, Oldman stumbled into the wrong lukewarm jacuzzi. THR, mind telling us about the project?The story throws Elvis impersonators, Indians, modern cowboys, a 6-foot-tall blond assassin, a frat boy, a corrupt sheriff and a prostitute into a chase for a priceless American Indian artifact stolen during a poker game at an Indian casino.Slater plays a normal guy who in a drunken stupor joins an Elvis impersonation contest. Oldman is the contest’s mega-contender, and Cook will play the sheriff. . What? This movie sounds ridiculous. Any God-fearing American worth his salt knows that frat boys don't mess with prostitution or gambling. But if you say so, indie director Michael Winnick. I can suspend my disbelief for Dane Cook, but the mischievous frat boys plot line just doesn't hold water.
I'm going to continue posting these porn parody trailers because I personally find it amusing when nasty sex gets shoehorned into anything, especially movies and TV shows that don't deserve such acts being forced on them. I wouldn't be so bold as to call these porn parodies "the rape of western media" but if major outlets pick up the term I want proper credit. Having said all that, New Sensations added boobies and stuff to The Breakfast Club! Imagine all of the confessions about parental abuse in the original film replaced with sexual innuendos. So basically, they stole our entire schtick at Screen Junkies. **Represses deep-seated emotions. Plasters on fake smile** Check out the porn parody trailer after the jump. Fingers crossed for the single "Don't You Forget About Missionary" in the full length movie.
I know how much you guys love info about movies that may never happen, so here are some photos from the set of The Hobbit. The film has no director, but people are working hard over in New Zealand to build The Shire. Once the project is completely dead they'll abandon the land, leaving prime, unpatroled real estate open for hobbit squaters. They're the worst kind of squaters.More c*ck tease pics after the jump.
Western flicks have been cattle-roping since the invention of the movie camera. So it's no surprise that sometimes they get a bit stale. Every so often, filmmakers jump into the genre with a little extra spice. Only, instead of coriander, they've got zombies, man-eating monsters, and gadgets.This week, Jonah Hex, based on the DC Comics series, adds a bit of the supernatural to Josh Brolin's archetypal old west anti-hero. Next year, we'll see the release of Cowboys & Aliens. It's no stretch, nowadays, to see modern westerns made with a little fantasical pizzazz, so we put together a short history of supernatural motifs in the genre.
Sweet mother of us all! This Predator's scary vagina mouth is the most horrifying thing I've seen since Love Actually.In this newly released photo from the upcoming Robert Rodriguez-produced film, one of the Predators displays his fangs in an all-out attempt to cause Danny Trejo's character to poop his pants. I'm assuming it didn't work, since Danny Trejo is the most menacing thing in the galaxy. Even so, it's pretty bad ass. See more freaky Predators pics after the jump.
Leave it to those conniving Brazilians. It's bad enough they always win the World Cup. It's even worse that their women are some of the hottest on the planet. As if they didn't have enough to rub our faces in, now they've gone and stole our trailer for The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. It makes me sick! The clip, which has not officially been released, was published on a Brazilian website known as "MundoNarnia," which roughly translates to "Stupid Yankees Go Home, Narnia Is Ours." I thought my grandpa was a fool when he told me not to trust the Brazilians because they had no respect for copyright law. Now I wish we'd listened to him instead of selling his house and putting him in a state-run nursing home. Ah well, estou começando a aprender. Vamos ao cinema? Watch the new Chronicles of Narnia trailer after the jump.
Nic Cage Wants His Cake – Watch more Funny VideosWho would have thought something so great could come from the Brett Ratner-directed film The Family Man? I want this song as my ringtone. Verizon, make it happen! (FilmDrunk)I want these links!'Sons of Archery' Creator Fires Back About Pending Lawsuit (TVSquad) 'Ghostbusters' Burlesque–Stay Puft In Go-Go Boots, Slimer Bares All (Asylum) ShamWow Guy Vince Shlomi Pitches Eminem Album (PopEater) 'Children Of Men' Director's CGI Epic Has 20-Min Opening Shot (FilmDrunk) Sexy Pics Of Catrinel Menghia (HolyTaco) Do You Believe In Destiny? (Unreality) Free Drake Concert Doesn't Happen, Erupts Into A Small Riot (BroBible) Chewy Cheers For The English (TotalProSports) Sex: Some Like It Hot (Maxim) Dave 'Pee Wee' Herman Talks Contract Dispute With Bellator (CagePotato) Jennifer Love Hewitt Flashes Cleavage In Attempt To Land Husband (CelebJihad) 20 Chuck Norris Motivators (Smosh) 'The Shat' Directs a Documentary About Himself (Pajiba) Johnny B. Homeless-Beer Pong Adventures (Atom) USB Typewriter (MadeMan)
Sony Pictures Animation has released the teaser trailer for The Smurfs. They desecrate Mount Rushmore. 'Nough said. Check out the teaser after the jump.
BREAKING: Cameron Diaz loooooooves c*ck.In what I'm sure wasn't in any way an attempt to boost the box office success of her upcoming film Knight & Day, Cameron Diaz spoke with Playboy about earning frequent flyer miles for c*ck, among other things. Ugh, why do celebrities make it so easy sometimes? I try to utilize my razer sharp wit, and then Diaz goes mouthing off about how she's constantly on the prowl for c*ck. She even said "C*CK." No euphemisms or anything.Check out the highlights from Movieline while I go try to find news that pushes my limits:On romance: “Oh gosh, I can’t even count how many times I’ve gotten on a plane for love. It’s not unusual in this business; my lifestyle demands it. I’m always traveling for [whispers] cock. You’ve got to go where it is.”MORE BLATANT P.R. AFTER THE JUMP.
Our hopes of seeing a vampire use his fangs to perform a Caesarean section have just gone down in flames. Screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg has informed the LA Times that Breaking Dawn's gory birthing scene will happen off-screen. Seltzer and Friedberg wouldn't pussy out like that.On the fan site, on Facebook, all the comments are "It has to be R rated! You have to show the childbirth! Gore and guts and sex!" For me it's actually more interesting to not see it. You know, you can do childbirth without seeing childbirth … it doesn't mean it's any less evocative of an experience.Yes, you can do childbirth without seeing childbirth. But when that childbirth features an accelerated pregnancy that kills the host from the inside out, causing a f*cking vampire to eat his way through the mother's stomach in order to deliver the baby, which can run around and has complete awareness, you'd better show the childbirth. But whatever. I'm not a screenwriter. If you're not going to show the delivery, don't even THINK of making us sit through the boring lamaze class scene. Those are always the same.
"Is that boy's head on fire?"Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, the two directors behind the tweeked-out Crank films, are negotiating to stab their hypodermic needle of creativity into the heart of the Ghost Rider sequel, entitled Ghost Rider: The Spirit of Vengeance. Nic Cage will return as Johnny Blaze, the stuntman with a serious dry scalp problem.The film needs to go into production before November or Columbia loses the rights, so who better to take a chokehold on the project than the guys who directed two movies where speed is a major component. I can't imagine the sequel to Ghost Rider could turn out any worse than the original. Neveldine and Taylor are basically getting permission to play with fire, and I fear not even the craft services table would be safe from their wrath. When Neveldine spots crafty serving up bananas foster across the stage, you know he's gonna want to bathe in those flames. (THR)
The Internet used to suck. The Internet is good for a few things besides revitalizing Betty White's career, and Middle Men is here to remind us of that. The new film is inspired by the brave heros who brought porn to the Internet, and molded it into the universe it has become. Luke Wilson stars as a businessman who helps guide the first online billing company that deals exclusively with adult entertainment. Judging from their unkempt look and sparring habits, Giovanni Ribisi and Gabriel Macht co-star as the staff of ScreenJunkies.com. Oh, I've just been told that they play the programmers who invent the billing method. I was close. Soon the trio are caught in the middle between porn stars, fabulous riches, Russian mobsters, the FBI, and Luke Wilson once again has to tangle with Mr. Henry. It's weird to see him without Rowboat. PAY SOME RESPECT TO THE INTERNET'S HERITAGE AFTER THE JUMP…
Director: George GalloCast: Luke Wilson, Giovanni Ribisi, Gabriel Macht, James CaanSynopsis: Businessman Jack Harris (Luke Wilson) had the perfect life – a beautiful family and a successful career fixing problem companies. And then he met Wayne Beering (Giovanni Ribisi) and Buck Dolby (Gabriel Macht), two genius but troubled men, who had invented the way adult entertainment is sold over the internet.Release Date: August 6, 2010
Julia Jones may not be in the twilight of her career yet but this natural beauty from Beantown will showcase her talents in two back-to-back movies this summer, Jonah Hex as a busty prostitute named Cassie and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse as she-wolf Leah Clearwater. Not bad for a former model turned actress, who was last seen in the Tarantino flophouse Hell Ride.A word from Julia: "If you try to scowl, just for four hours straight, you will start feeling pretty pissed off. I'm not kidding."Yeah because you're scowling for four hours straight. If I'm doing anything for four hours straight I'd get pissed off. Yes, even eating nachos.More pics of Julia smiling after the jump.
I'm still not sure which is more annoying, the vuvuzela or Shelley Duvall. (FYeahDementia)
"Their proteins aren't sustainable?!…" The trailer has been released for Mark Romanek's adaptation of the novel Never Let Me Go. The screenplay for the dramatic thriller was written by Alex Garland (28 Days Later, Sunshine), and is about "a group of children who spent their childhood at a seemingly idyllic English boarding school, who as they grow into young adults, they find that they have to come to terms with the strength of the love they feel for each other, while preparing themselves for the haunting reality that awaits them."
Director: Zack SnyderCast: Emilie de Ravin,Jim Sturgess, Geoffrey Rush, Abbie Cornish, Rachel TalylorSynopsis: Soren, a young barn owl, is kidnapped by owls of St. Aggie's, ostensibly an orphanage, where owlets are brainwashed into becoming soldiers. He and his new friends escape to the island of Ga'Hoole, to assist its noble, wise owls who fight the army being created by the wicked rulers of St. Aggie's. The film is based on the first three books in the series.Release Date: September 24, 2010
We avoided posting the teaser trailer for Zack Snyder's Legends of the Guardians because our managing editor Col. Hans Longshanks wasn't into it. But now he is, so here's the full-length trailer. I'm not sure what experience he had with owls in the interim that changed his mind, but he has been acting weird since he went to that sweat lodge. Or more accurately, the day he didn't notice the gas leak in his apartment. All in all, Guardians looks great. But be careful while watching. You may find yourself enjoying the soundtrack before you realize it's Thirty Seconds to Mars. Not this time, Leto! CHECK OUT THE TRAILER AFTER THE JUMP. IT HAS OWLS.
Director: Mark RomanekCast: Carey Mulligan, Keira Knightley, Sally HawkinsSynopsis: About a group of children who spent their childhood at a seemingly idyllic English boarding school, who as they “grow into young adults, they find that they have to come to terms with the strength of the love they feel for each other, while preparing themselves for the haunting reality that awaits them.Release Date: October 1, 2010
Hopefully this chair was burned after the shoot. Russell Crowe is sorry and trying to atone for his violent, dangerous past by putting his skills to use helping those who need protection and/or the use of a phone. Not in real life though. Never in real life. Despite The A-Team's belly-flop onto hard concrete this past weekend, Crowe has been attached to a remake of the vengeance-for-hire series "The Equalizer." Crowe will play Robert McCall (originated by Edward Woodward), a former secret agent determined to help those in need via a newspaper ad. I imagine this will be modernized to a Craigslist ad. Because those in need certainly always have a $2,000 laptop and a costly Verizon FiOS connection. (LA Times)
I remember it looking a lot cooler when I was eight.The much anticipated (by me) remake of The Monster Squad has come one step closer to completion with the addition of two new screenwriters. Mark and Brian Gunn (cousins, not husbands) have signed on to pen the reboot of Fred Dekker's 1987 classic.Assuming they don't totally ruin the film by going the Twilight route, it will be nice to see a vampire that wants to kill teenagers, not fall in love with them. Unless, of course, they base the Dracula character on my creepy Uncle Mike, who liked to do both. (Hollywood Reporter via Dead Central)
This film demeans us all, Papa Smurf.Sony has released the first photo from its upcoming movie, The Smurfs, and all I can say is hold on to your white, slightly phallic-looking hats! The picture depicts Grouchy, Papa and Clumsy Smurf in…get this…NEW YORK CITY!Magically transporting a fictional character into the real world can only be described as wildly original. But to go the extra mile and place them in such an obscure location goes above and beyond. I didn't even know you could film movies in New York! Of all the places for the Smurfs to end up, NYC has to be the craziest! That town moves a mile a minute! Talk about a fish-out-of-water story!The trailer for the film comes out this Thursday, but I don't need to wait until then to declare this movie an instant classic.* The only thing that could make it any better would be if they got George Lopez to do a voice. That would be tits! (First Showing)*I'm trying really hard to be less of a sarcastic prick, but holy crap, Sony! What choice do I have? Did you learn nothing from Space Jam!
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Back in college, we played so much Goldeneye that my friend instinctively ran off the basketball court during a big game because he noticed a blue backpack that resembled the game's body armor in the bleachers. Now, a new version of the game is making its way to the Wii and it looks amazing, and Daniel Craig-y. My college friends have all scattered, so I'll need to round up three willing competitors. I think I'll ask my building's security guard. I bet he's good with a gun, and at spying on people in the bathroom. There will definitely be a "No Oddjob" rule in effect. He always aims for the kneecaps and that's just bullsh*t. CHECK OUT THE MOVIE-RELATED GAME TRAILER AFTER THE JUMP…
Can't get enough of vampires, even the sparkly kind? Does high-fructose corn syrup mixed with red food coloring really get you amped? Feverishly writing your own script for Troll 3? Then you might want to check out Break's newly-risen Horror Channel, the internet's latest resting place for all things creepy, scary and at least partially undead.Not only will you find trailers for all of the latest horror flicks, you'll find the best in short videos, extras for films & TV shows and web-based horror series. Or, if you just want to browse by your particular horror fetish — er, genre — you can do that, as well. Think of the Horror Channel as Screen Junkies's ugly, disfigured cousin we keep in the cellar and feed fish heads. He's too disturbing to play in our sandbox, so we made him one of his very own. God only knows what it's filled with though.Stalk on over to the Horror Channel HERE.
It's like the fish is his boner.The Incredible Mr. Limpet is a movie that was made nearly 50 years ago about a cartoon fish that fights Nazis. No wait, don't stop me. Seriously, Don Knotts played a man who transformed into a fish and left his old life behind to take on German U-boats in the ocean. Don't look at me like that, it's a real thing! Anyway, now Warner Bros. wants Zack Galifianakis to star as Mr. Limpet in the remake to be directed by Kevin Lima (Enchanted).The LA Times points out that "The Incredible Mr. Limpet has always seemed like one of those Hollywood remake projects that actually makes sense." Really, Steven Zeitchik of the LA Times? The movie didn't make sense back when it was originally conceived, and now you think in this post-post-post WWII era audiences are hungry for a Nazi fighting flounder? Granted, Inglourious Basterds did well, but that concept was easier to go along with, even if they did killer Hitler in the end **Retroactive Spoiler Alert!** But okay, let's make Galifianakis a fish. Whatever. I give up.
Sofia Coppola is up to her old tricks again, pointing a camera at people bored by hotel stays. Somewhere stars Stephen Dorff as a lazy bones actor laying around all the time at Hollywood's Chateau Marmont Hotel who's life is reinvigorated by the unexpected presence of his daughter. I guess I should point out that she's played by Elle Fanning, but I won't because I hate when children are more successful than I am. So unread that last sentence. Coppola wants you to think she's making a point with the plaster mold drying shot (aren't we all just waiting around for our own soul plaster to harden?), but I see the bigger picture. The laying around. The kitty-cat awards show. Stephen Dorff is obviously channeling Garfield. This will become obvious once you see the scene where he kicks Robert Schwartzman off a table. Check out Stephen Dorff's rich man problems after the jump…
It turns out that along with David Yates (Harry Potter films) and David Dobkin (Fred Claus), Brett Ratner has also been considered to direct The Hobbit. I don't want to tell a studio on the brink of bankruptcy how to run their business, but bitch is you crazy? I thought MGM needed a hit. Is this some kind of Brewster's Millions situation where they need to intentionally lose all their money in order to win a larger fortune?? Does Robocop have something to do with this???? Luckily Peter Jackson won't let that happen.He's gone on record before to say, "If [directing the films is] what I have to do to protect Warner Bros’ investment, then obviously that’s one angle which I’ll explore…The other studios may not let me out of the contracts." Thank you, Peter Jackson. You're the only one preventing us from having to endure Miley Cyrus speaking Elvish. Or worse, singing auto-tuned Elvish. (Deadline)
Go from the outside in. The first trailer for Resident Evil: Afterlife really wanted you to know that the film is in 3D. This one also wants you to know that it's in 3D, but it has kind of a story sort of too. Milla Jovovich is back as Alice, and she's fighting more zombies and umbrellas, only this time with the help of an old friend — Ali Larter back as Claire. The guy from "Prison Break" (Wentworth Miller), who plays Claire's brother, helps the two aggressive females try and take back Los Angeles from the walking dead. The film is directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, the other, worse Paul Anderson in the helming game. He directed the first Resident Evil movie, wrote the other two, and I guess decided he wanted to tell his wife how to throw stuff that will be added in later at the camera for the 3D installment of Resident Evil. One question: why is this thing coming out in IMAX? Aren't those screens being used for films like, I don't know…Inception. I realize that Resident Evil: Afterlife doesn't come out until September, but Inception should still be in IMAX then. The studio must be banking on the fact that audiences will never tire of axes flying at their faces. Check out the trailer after the jump…
Director: Paul W.S. AndersonCast: Milla Jovovich, Ali Larter, Wentworth MillerSynopsis: In a world ravaged by a virus infection, turning its victims into the Undead, Alice (Jovovich), continues on her journey to find survivors and lead them to safety.