There's a new reason (besides interacting with pretty girls) to fear Spring Break this year: dying a fish-related death. That's why I've elected to stay on campus to get a jump on my courseload. I ran that plan by Mother and Mother agrees that's the best use of my time. The once-3D, then not 3D, then 3D again Piranha 3D has a full-length trailer that gives us a better look at the massacre at Lake Victoria. And it also gives us a better look at Ving Rhames ridiculously fighting a school of piranha with an outboard motor. That's the reason 3D was invented. Sh******t, that's the reason eyeballs were invented. Boobs, blood, and people dying unlikely deaths after the jump….
No stranger to being up to his neck in starlets and superhero movie offers, Ryan Reynolds is calling upon that practice for his role in Buried. The film, directed by Rodrigo Cortés, stars Reynolds as an American kidnapped by terrorists and buried alive with a 90 minute supply of oxygen. And a cell phone that works underground. Because they have those. The new teaser captures the excitement of "Rescue 9-1-1" and combines it with the ignorance of accidentally leaving the lens cap on. Buried was picked up for wide release at Sundance and opens in theaters September 24th, 2010. Though I feel like if they really want the experience to be immersive, it should be screened in state-of-the-art theater coffins. This post sponsored by FlickCrypts™. Dig into the trailer after the break…
Wax on this, Danielson. Here are your weekend links. Three Clubs from 'Swingers' (Moviefone) Best Video Game Bars in America (Asylum)Website Raises Money for Stephen Baldwin (PopEater)Interview With Shit My Dad Says (HolyTaco)'Furry Vengeance Recreated Through Scathing Reviews (FilmDrunk)10 Disturbingly Realistic Zombie Costumes (Unreality)Kentucky Derby Hotties (Maxim)Silva vs. Sonnen Fan-Made Promo (CagePotato)Rihanna Gets Dirty On Stage (CelebJihad)15 More Bad Thongs (Smosh)Jim Carrey Career Assessment (Pajiba)Iron Man 2 Parody (Atom)Try a Different Sex Move Tonight (MadeMan)Heath Calhoun 400 Odds (AllLeftTurns)
You see that, Batman? That's a release date for your next film. How does July 20, 2012 sound? (Warner Bros. forcefully shakes his head yes)Batman 3 hasn't even gone into production yet, as Christopher Nolan just completed Inception and wants to close his eyes for a minute, but little bro Jonathan Nolan is diligently working away on the script based off a story by himself and David Goyer. Since the film is going to be in 3D I hope they add a lot of "Bats fly at the screen!" in the action. You can never get enough bats flying at the screen. It's like they're gonna get caught in your hair! Eeeeeeee! (Deadline)
"You ain't got nothin', Mendes."The glittered gloves are off and the jazz hands are flyin'! "You Think You Can Dance" judge and Hairspray director Adam Shankman wants the job of making Oz, the Great and Powerful faaaaaaaaaabulous. Sam Mendes is currently circling the project, but Shankman brought his slap and tickle fight to Twitter. He's retweeting the tweets of his fans, who I have just dubbed "Shankmaniacs!" (exclamation point necessary), and building up a strong front. Good Charlotte singer Joel Madden is one impressionable tweeter on Team Shankman. That guy loves Chicken Nuggets, so Shankman probably has the gig on lock.(Vulture)
Those who have tackled their own home-made adaptations of Stephen King's The Dark Tower are about to be upstaged twice over. Universal is in talks to condense the seven books by the creepy author (I said it) into a film trilogy directed by Ron Howard. Not only that, but they'll also produce a far crappier television version for shut-ins and Nielsen families.I'm not really sure how the story of the last gunslinger Roland Deschain will divide across film and television wthout confusing the chronology, and thinking about it has given me another one of my murder headaches. Well, time to chain myself up for the night again I suppose. (Deadline)
No stranger to making a sissy, Kevin James is now slated to go boom. Sony and Columbia have signed James to star in the action movie Here Comes the Boom. Salma Hayek is in talks for the female lead. If she is to sign on, this will be the second time her mammeries have starred opposite James's.The script is written by James and The Zookeeper scribe Rock Reuben, who is also a veteran of "The King of Queens." Though the log-line is being kept under wraps, the title conjurs up an image for me of the portly star slo-mo diving away from an explosion or toward a wedding cake. Maybe both. One way or the other, a cake is totally screwed in this movie. (Variety)
Go on, soak it up. Here's the first image of Chris Hemsworth as Marvel's next blockbuster busting character Thor. I'm diggin' the snake skin sleeve. It's like a Hot Topic superhero version of UnderArmor. That material soaks up sweat and brings it to the outside layer so it can dry faster, yo.My guess is the marketing bigwigs are revealing elements of Thor slowly and methodically. As you'll notice, there's no helmet or hammer in the above pic. Also, it's a close-up, so we don't get a good idea of what Thor is brooding over. My first inclination was he's taking a crap, but then I thought it's ridiculous to take a crap with your cape still on. Now if you'll excuse me, my morning coffee is taking effect. **Unbuttons cape, waddles to bathroom** (Yahoo)
One ticket, please.
Dianna Agron, best known for her cheerleader roles on "Glee" and "Heroes," has joined the cast of I Am Number Four to play a… cheerleader. In the DJ Caruso-directed film, Agron will dump her jock boyfriend to cozy up to alien refugee Alex Pettyfer. Also on board are Sharlto Copley as Pettyfer's guardian and Teresa Palmer as Number Six.The movie based on a novel co-authored by James Frey, tells the story of nine alien children who escape to Earth after being hunted by a hostile race. There they hide in Middle America where they shift nervously in their seats whenever Syfy shows reruns of "Roswell." (THR)
As previously reported, Adam McKay has a serious case of the frownies today. After severely cutting the budget, Anchorman 2 is still a no-go with Paramount. There was a glimmer of hope earlier this week when the original cast agreed to cut their prices, but Paramount decided to pass all the same.I imagine it went something like this:ADAM McKAY: So there you have it, The Further Legends of Ron Burgundy!!PARAMOUNT EXEC: Very funny. But I'll need to consult with my adviser.SLAMS MAGIC 8 BALL DOWN ON DESK.PARMOUNT EXEC: Oooh. It is decidely not so. MWUHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!MAGIC 8 BALL: MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!A TEAM OF BAYWATCH WRITERS CLOSES DOOR ON McKAY'S FACE.(via /Film)
Shia LaBeouf has signed on to star in The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman in commercial director Dante Ariola's feature debut. Quick question about Dante Ariola, is that his real name or the one he uses when performing burlesque? I guess that doesn't matter right now.In the film, LaBeouf stars as Charlie Countryman. Just a normal dude who likes to hang and chill and maybe kick around the hack. Then he meets Gabi, but sadly she's already claimed by a violent crime boss. Charlie must take several sh*t-kickings to woo her. This sounds like Dante's Peak to Scott Pilgrim's Volcano. Those two movies somehow found a way to make lava boring, let's hope Countryman doesn't do the same for sh*t-kickings. (/Film)
A Malkovich handshake. We get it. He's got an ugly face. But the Jonah Hex trailer wants to make sure you fully understand that fact. Josh Brolin plays a scarred bounty hunter charged with hunting down his oldest enemy (John Malkovich, unfortunately not playing himself) who is preparing to unleash Hell. Megan Fox shows off her heaving bosom in a corset as another sexy dame that can shoot a gun with the greatest of ease. Also, Daniels from "The Wire" provides Jonah with weapons, and Will Arnett has a mustache and a word of advice. The only thing that's missing is Kenneth Branagh operating a mechanical spider. I'd like to see Jonah come up with a quippy one-liner for that. One that Will Smith doesn't already own. Check out the trailer after the jump. Jonah Hex saddles up in theaters June 18, 2010.
Just in time for the Oaks Celebration of the 136th Kentucky Derby, we have the trailer for Secretariat. Directed by Randall Wallace, it stars Diane Lane as a horse owner with a vagina (GASP!), that attempts to lead her thoroughbred to Triple Crown glory. John Malkovich co-stars as the horse's trainer and personal stylist. Here that swelling score? That means you can lump this one into Disney's growing catalogue of "Animals Who Defy the Odds to Blow Your F*cking Mind." To differentiate it from Seabiscuit, the filmmakers could have taken a few liberties with the material. My suggestion: the true story of a horse who ate too much, and lounged around like he was in the Caribbean. Here's an artist's interpretation of what that may look like. Check out the trailer after the jump. Secretariat charges into theaters October 8, 2010.
Princess Leia Bikini Car Wash – Watch more Funny VideosMay cause heart palpitations, nausea, and even death in some nerds. Watch with extreme caution, and a Darth Vader mask on. (FilmDrunk)
Director: Randall WallaceCast: Diane Lane, John Malkovich, James Cromwell, Dylan WalshSynopsis: The life story of Penny Chenery, owner of the racehorse Secretariat, who won the Triple Crown in 1973.Release Date: October 8, 2010
Ah, now all the kids on my bus route will get my Commando references. Fox has hired David Ayer (Harsh Times, Street Kings) to write and direct a remake of THE BEST FILM EVER. A former Navy soldier, Ayer is putting his own real world spin on the character formerly played by Schwarzenegger. This time around, the elite commando on a mission to rescue his daughter will be "less brawny, but more skilled in covert tactics and weaponry."Ayer now needs to figure out how to make the film car-centric. That's the only bump on the road to getting Jason Statham to agree to star. (Deadline)
Harry Hendersons Best Cry Mash Up – Watch more Funny VideosCrying Guy feels your pain, Harry.(special thanks to Mark from Found Footage Fest for the assist)These links will cheer you up. Ricky Gervais to Host 2011 Golden Globes (Moviefone)Porn Star Rescues Man from Jail Sentence (Asylum)Jim Carrey is Acting Weirder Than Usual (PopEater)25 Ladies in Corsets (HolyTaco)Pete Hammond's an 'Iron Man 2' Whore (FilmDrunk)Werner Herzog Reads Where's Waldo (Unreality)Girl + Fitness Ball = Epic Face Plant (TotalProSports)If Ninjas Made a Wall Callendar (Maxim)Josh Barnett Plans His Fake Fighting Future (CagePotato)Leighton Meester Long Legs Megapost (CelebJihad)13 People Over 100 Doing Crazy Stuff (Smosh)10 Hottest Gingers (Pajiba)Mustache Gun (Atom)Cheapest Workouts fro Men (MadeMan)What It's Like to Ride in a Stock Car (AllLeftTurns)
"J.J., if you touch me again, I'll end you."Vulture's got some craaaaaaazy news, y'all. J.J. Abrams next movie will supposedly be both a tribute and a collaboration with his father from another lover Steven Spielberg. From Vulture's mysterious inside source:An insider tells us that Abrams is just now finishing a script described as “a tip of the hat to [Spielberg’s] movies of the 70’s and early 80’s.” We’re also told that Abrams plans to “roll up his sleeves and direct the script himself” by early this fall for Paramount Pictures, where he's based.Plot details are top secret – as if there’s any other kind of plot detail in Abramsland — but we’re told that like Spielberg’s Jaws, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and E.T., the project will deal with everyday people whose personal relationships are tested when they are thrown up against extraordinarily fantastic – and possibly other-worldly – events.So THAT'S what you've been up to, Abrams, you wily S.O.B. You've been writing a shark/alien movie for you to direct and Spielberg to produce. The title for the film is being kept under lock and key and dirt and lead blanket, but Bearsharktopus would clearly be most apted. And if it's about anything other than a hybrid bear-shark-octopus, I'm not sure I want anything to do with it.
"Follow me, Edward. Onto a project far gayer."Oscar-winner Bill Condon (Kinsey, Dreamgirls, Gods and Monsters, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh) is ready to swell the hearts of weepy teenaged girls everywhere. Just like Cinn-a-bon.Summit has announced that they have tasked him with directing the spell-binding romance and shirtless dudefest that is Twilight: Breaking Dawn. “I’m very excited to get the chance to bring the climax of this saga to life on-screen," said Condon. Which is fine, as long as he doesn't bring it on my Edward Man-Pillow. The Wayans Brothers are said to already be accepting breakdancing werewolf applicants for Twilte: To The Break-a Break-a Dawn. I'm kidding, of course. But how soon until this actually goes into production?
Is a movie based on a soothsaying billiard ball unnecessary? As I see it, yes. Will that prevent Paramount from making an action-adventure film based on Mattell's Magic 8 Ball? Outlook not so good.Paramount Pictures has decided audiences are finally ready to embrace the Zen simplicity that is Magic 8 Ball: The Motion Picture. …Paramount has assigned as producer its former production chief, Brad Weston. The Paramount plan, we hear, is to turn Magic 8 Ball into a sort of live-action National Treasure–style action-adventure movie.Oh, I see. It will be a sort of live-action National Treasure-style action-adventure movie. Well, that makes perfect sense. Jerry Bruckheimer loves 8 balls. (Vulture)
Paramount has picked up the action screenplay Heatseekers for Michael Bay to get his sticky fingers all over, a.k.a. produce, not direct. Bay's company Platinum Dunes signed a first-look deal with Paramount last October to make lower-budget genre pictures, and Heatseekers written by newbie Georgie Mahaffey is the first project to get the Bay mushroom cloud seal of approval.In the mold of "Fast & Furious" and "Point Break," "Heatseekers" follows a young ex-military pilot who infiltrates a gang of aerial "pirates" working out of Bangkok and takes part in an elaborate tower heist using powered gliders and parachutes.Are people just making up professions now? Bank-robber-surfer makes sense, but an aerial pirate? That's something a Kevin James character writes down on a job application to impress a sexy CEO. Then the next thing you know he's ziplining off a building in Bangkok where his ineptitude leads to his success. Too bad an Asian street gang led by Bay has already had their way with James's dream girl while he was up in the air jackin' around. The title HEATSEEKERS! flies at the screen. Roll credits. (THR)
When thinking about the upcoming summer movie season, it’s hard to picture anything but Robert Downey Jr., Buzz & Woody, and Jake G. as a Persian with a British accent. And while we all enjoy a tasty summer club-banger (blockbuster) or two, the season always provides for a few smaller, limited-release “gems.” Many of these flicks are picked-up off the festival-circuit tours and sometimes go on to make a big cult-splash (The Wackness, Napolean Dynamite, Garden State), or even an awards-season run (The Hurt Locker, Little Miss Sunshine, Hustle & Flow). The following are ten under-the-radar flicks that may get some extra attention/theater releases by the summer’s end: The Trotsky
Sharon Osbourne is saying things. While promoting "Celebrity Apprentice," the reality show fixture revealed that a biopic about her slurry, hard-partying husband will soon go into production. The film, tentatively titled HurblemunbletopSHARON!!!!!!!, has a producer and lots of money according to Sharon.No cast or director have been announced yet but the production is said to be going with an unknown for the lead role. This could be the big break I've been waiting for. But here it is nearly 8:30 a.m. and I'm still sober. Time to go method. **pours tequila into bowl of Smart Start; snorts a line of kitty litter** YAHTZEE!!!! (Digital Spy)
Apparently only Josh Brolin matters on the new poster for Jonah Hex. Sure, Megan Fox is wearing a corsett, and the target audience is more likely to care about her heaving bosom than Brolin's mangled face, but she doesn't even get a tiny credit above the hackneyed tag. Sweet gatling gun, Jonah. Ever tried to fire one with one hand? The kickback alone would rip your G.D. arm off. Then you'd be an amputee with bad skin. There's a name for people like you: Sally Punkin. We drove her to tears in middle school. Well not me, but people I knew… (Yahoo)
Parkour, the hottest trend of the month that Casino Royale came out, is finally getting its own movie. After having been in development for three years, New Line has hired Matt Johnson to write a script about a pair of master bank robbers who excel at their take because of parkour. Because of all the rooftop banks, you see. Channing Tatum was once attached to the project but has since jumped ship.
Spirits aren't likely to reach out. While promoting A Nightmare on Elm Street, Brad Fuller has been talking up some of his other half-cooked films. For instance, what's the deal with Ouija?"‘Ouija’ isn’t really a horror movie per se, it’s definitely more of a big action-adventure movie along the lines of…I gotta be careful what I compare it to [cough-JUMANJI-cough, cough]. But you know, it’s like a big action-adventure movie. And that script…I’ve read a couple pages of it, it seems good." I have an irrational fear of Ouija boards and ghosts ever since I watched Witchboard in the late 80's. (Note: it was before the Internet existed and my best chance at seeing Tawny Kitaen nude (Note: Tawny Kitaen was once worth seeing nude.).)"There are definitely horror elements, because it’s about Ouija and what happens from an Ouija board, but it’s a much bigger film. I would call it an action-adventure with horror elements."An action-adventure with horror elements. Sounds a lot like driving through Detroit. **clumsy rimshot results in finger jammy** (BloodyDisgusting)
Rooney Mara is the little sister of uber-hottie Kate Mara. Even I'd feel self-conscious living in Kate's shadow, and I'm an adonis. Rooney starred alongside Michael Cera in Youth in Revolt, and can be seen as Nancy in the Nightmare On Elm Street remake/reboot/reimagining coming out this Friday.A word from Rooney: "For Halloween, my mom asked me what I wanted to be. I said Klara, the crippled girl in the movie Heidi."You clever, fox. Dress up like a cripple, everyone will assume you're disabled, and you'll reap the candy benefits. Check out more pics of the very able-bodied Rooney after the jump.
Steven Seagal has built a career laying his hands on other people. Recently this has brought controversy his way. What the man needs now is a comeback. Here are six projects that could easily put him back on top. Law and Order: SVU (Seagal Victims Unit)
Just the other day on Things I Never Say Day, I was saying how badly we need a sequel to The Ring. Preferably one that is 3D and focuses on a more teen-centric angle. Well, save up your shillings for an inflated ticket price because it looks like Paramount is intending to do just that. Dream House writer David Loucka on script duties. No details yet about how the girl in the old VHS will return but one scenario has teens finding a VCR that still works. Really?Okay. Honestly, you kids today with your Jason Beavers and sexting parties. VCR's aren't that old or difficult to find. Either this film takes place in 2025 or Afghanistan. (THR)