We're through the looking glass here, people. Hustler has announced that their upcoming sexxed-up take on Avatar, entitled This Ain't Avatar XXX will be jamming more than ponytails into orifices in pants-swelling 3D. Though it's not the world's first porno (that distinction belongs to Octopussy 3D: A XXX Parody and Whorrie Potter and the Sorcerer's Balls), it will be Hustler's most expensive.This idea scares the crap out of me. I really don't want to be naked except for a pair of 3D glasses. That's a rule that I've set for my life and one that I don't intend to break. It's on my bucket list of things not to do. And what would happen if you cross your eyes while wearing those things?!! I don't know and don't want to know!! (Huffington Post)
Disney is snatching up original pitches, and this latest one is a guaranteed homerun and/or strikeout. It comes from Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps scribe Allan Loeb with Bradley Cooper attached to star. THR has the stats:The dramedy centers on a baseball player who gets injured and has to go back to the minors where the only place he can find lodging is in a senior citizens' home. There, he meets an old baseball guru who helps lead him back.Does the film take place in a futuristic world where studio apartments with a partial view don't exist? Or does the stench of death drive the character's desire to succeed? I'm going to need a lot of logistics answered to step up to the plate for this one. For example, how many baseball puns can I use in one post before it starts to smell fowl? Ah sh*t, that's the wrong kind of fowl. I really fouled that one up. **Removes jock strap from head and cap from groin**
This video is called Scarface in 5 Seconds but it's a lie. Regardless, it gave me the giggles and warrants repeat viewings. Apparently it's been around awhile but I haven't seen it so let's all pretend that it's new, like Ricky Martin's homosexuality. Pssst, Ricky. We knew. We knew. (DreadCentral)
After the excitement, confusion, and downright insanity of the legend that is Jacques D'Azur, an heir has finally been found. Amid extreme secrecy, Stella Artois 4% whisked him away to the Cannes Film Festival in order to represent his surrogate father. After a quick make over, Junior D'Azur (as we're calling him), dove straight into all that Cannes had to offer; enjoying leisurely speedboat rides, extravagant parties, and dinning in the best restaurants, setting the Mediterranean city alight with rumours of a new 'man of mystery'. In the first few days of settling into his newfound 'life of luxury', Junior D'Azur was tailed by a camera crew, and highlights of their time with him were recently released to the public. To prove that an heir exists? To profile a man whom some say could become the next Jacques D'Azur? Or just to make the rest of us jealous? Either way, Stella Artois 4% has given us a glimpse into the glamorous world of the Cannes Film Festival, and shown a man unflinching in his ability to enjoy the finer things in life. Wherever Jacques is (or isn't), we bet he's smiling and raising a toast to Junior D'Azur's future adventures. We'll keep you posted! Check out highlights from Cannes after the jump!
FIGHT!! FIGHT!! FIGHT!!The threat of seeing a Seth Rogen topless scene has been squashed… for now. Last we heard about McG's This Means War was that Seth Rogen and Chris Pine were up to play two former spies who destroy New York City while fighting for the hand of Reese Witherspoon. Now there's news that Chris Pine is on-board and Rogen is out, with the part now being offered to Sam Worthington.I think this could be pretty interesting casting. Worthington has mastered squinting in front of a green-screen, so let's see what he does with a comedy. Though, I am a little worried for Sam. He's making far too many movies and I'm afraid he's not getting enough sleep. How is he supposed to deal with the strain of keeping an American accent if his tongue doesn't get enough rest? (Vulture)
Adorable Rachel McAdams has agreed to work with the very fly, fresh, cool Channing Tatum in The Vow, a love story that sounds exactly like the Adam Sandler comedy 50 First Dates. What, you don't believe me? Tell 'em, THR!"Vow" tells the real-life story of a newlywed New Mexico couple, played by McAdams and Tatum, who end up in a car crash. The wife is put in a coma, where she is cared for by her devoted husband. When she comes to, without any memory of her husband or their marriage, the husband woos her and attempts to wins her heart again.See! It's just like 50 First Dates, except without Rob Schneider in a mop wig. The project has been in development for more than a decade, but 50 First Dates came out six years ago, which is like four scores in Hollywood time, so the moment to strike is NOW. They could have at least turned the idea on its ear and put the husband in a coma. Tatum in a vegetative state would have been the wish fulfillment film of the decade.
King Kong comes to Bangladesh in search of love, and takes it by force. Not unlike my night out at the LAX club last Saturday. I'm totally kidding, you guys! She was begging for it… (FilmDrunk)
We've previously reported that James Franco would be mandhandled by damn, dirty ape paws in the Planet of the Apes prequel Rise of the Apes. Today, there are more casting rumors floating around. Bloody Disgusting reports that offers have been made to Don Cheadle and Freida Pinto to join the fight against the CGI simians. There's no specifics offered about which roles the actors are being offered, but their presence alone should be enough to excite audiences. This project looks like it's really shaping up. And judging by this advance artwork I found, it's going to be a little bit of a madcap romp.
Dead in the water."True Blood" star Alexander Skarsgard is on board for the upcoming Universal film, Battleship. Skarsgard joins Taylor Kitsch in the adaptation of the iconic strategy game.To many, making a movie about a nautical-themed board game might seem a tad stupid. But for all you skeptics, there's one thing you should know. An "alien invasion" element has been added to the plot.Wow. It's beyond mockery. Congrats, Universal. You sunk my sarcasm. (Coming Soon)
I bet he's never heard an 'ass bender" joke before. I'm so clever!Michael Fassbender has been confirmed as Magneto in Fox’s upcoming prequel, X-Men: First Class. Fassbender will star along side James McAvoy who is already cast to play a young Charles Xavier.For those of you who don't know, Magneto (a.k.a. Eric Lensherr) was not always a villain, and was once good friends with Xavier. However, after a tragic fraternity hazing mishap involving a broom handle left Xavier confined to a wheel chair, the two became bitter rivals. (Cinema Blend)
Who better to convince children to rat on their touchy-feely parents than a trio of demonic dolls? Then the kids go cry to daddy about the scary puppets on TV and they get the belt again. Some marketing guru didn't think this PSA through very well.Don't make me tell you twice to click these links.What Do Comic Fans Think Of 'Jonah Hex' (Moviefone) 13-Foot Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Costume (Asylum) John Morris, The Voice of Andy In 'Toy Story' Speaks (PopEater) James Franco Really Likes Gay Stuff (FilmDrunk) Smoking Hot Marisa Miller Pictures (HolyTaco) "That Guy" Actor Of The Week: Joe Flaherty (Unreality) 10 Great Spoofs of the 'Psycho' Shower Scene (BroBible) Tiger Woods Love Child (TotalProSports) Hot California Gurls Pictures (Maxim) Rampage Blames Loss To Rashad (CagePotato) Justin Bieber Chatroulette (CelebJihad) 10 People You Don't Want At Your Pool Party (Smosh) The Pajiba 10 (1992 Edition) (Pajiba) Swat-Stickas (Atom) Anarchy In A Jam Jar (MadeMan) 5 People You Will Meet At The Beach This Summer (RegretfulMorning)
The international trailer for Scott Pilgrim vs. The World has HIT!!!! the Interwebz. The new footage and campy banter from Superman guy and "Arrested Development" Anne (Cowinkidink Alert!: She's Michael Cera's girlfriend on the show) are increasing my interest in this film. Not quite sure why we need to see a graphic representation of Scott Pilgrim's bladder being emptied, but I'll go with it. Perhaps in a sequel down the road we'll be privy to his prostate bar, a function those Flomax geniuses are probably toiling away on at this very moment. Check out the trailer after the jump…
Fox Searchlight has released the trailer for Conviction, another one of those inspirational true stories that scream "Academy Award nominations all-around!" Hilary Swank plays a "high school dropout who spent nearly two decades working as a single mother while putting herself through law school, tirelessly trying to beat the system and overturn her brother’s unjust murder conviction." I assume the brother didn't do the crime, but Sam Rockwell's playing him so you never know. Maybe we'll get one of those Primal Fear endings. Swank spends years of her life striving to free her brother, then the instant Rockwell steps out of the prison gates he screams, "I stabbed that b*tch in the eyes!" and kicks Hilary in the stomach before stealing her broken down Taurus. Yeah… That would be awesome. Conviction gets tossed into theaters October 15, 2010. Check out the Oscar bait trailer after the jump…
Director: Tony GoldwynCast: Hilary Swank, Sam Rockwell, Minnie Driver, Melissa LeoSynposis : A working mother puts herself through law school in an effort to represent her brother, who has been wrongfully convicted of murder and has exhausted his chances to appeal his conviction through public defenders.Release Date: October 15, 2010
The Killer Inside Me R, 108min., 2010 Cast: Casey Affleck, Jessica Alba, Kate Hudson, Simon Baker, Elias Koteas, Ned Betty, and Bill Pullman Directed by Micheal Winterbottom Screenplay by John Curran based upon the novel by Jim Thompson The Killer Inside Me is a faithfully adapted, dark, and twisted gem of an exercise in B-movie noir. From the faded pop color opening credit sequence, director Michael Winterbottom and his perfectly suited cast takes us back to 1950s West Texas, where Central City, Sheriff Deputy Lou Ford (played by Casey Affleck, giving one of his finest and scariest performances to date) doesn't carry a gun and 'sweet talks' his way out of any bad problems. Well, that's what Lou wants you to believe as behind his earnest smile he is one of the most disturbed and violently psychological complex characters this side of the Rio Grande.MORE AFTER THE JUMP…
Director: Michael WinterbottomCast: Casey Affleck, Jessica Alba, Kate HudsonSynopsis: A West Texas deputy sheriff is slowly unmasked as a psychotic killer.
In his version of 3D, audiences walk out with a black eye.Martin Scorsese's next project is a 3D adaptation of Brian Selznick's novel The Invention of Hugo Cabret. The director has been quoted in the past saying that he doesn't like 3D just for 3D's sake, meaning stuff flying at your face is bunk, but it seems Scorsese has quickly changed his tune. According to his longtime editor Thelma Schoonmaker, who recently spoke to a masterclass at Aruba International Film Festival, Scorsese is all about getting up in your face with his film now:“Scorsese is in love with [3D]. He looked at Avatar and Alice [in Wonderland] and Scorsese didn’t feel that the 3D he saw was as interesting as in the old ones like Dial M for Murder and House of Wax. He’s decided he wants to be stronger with 3D to make it jump out at you. He’s going to go a little bit further with it.”Daaaaaaaamn, Marty. You dissed Cameron and Burton in one fell swoop. Actually your editor did by proxy, so maybe you should consider putting a muzzle on her.The Invention of Hugo Cabret is written by John Logan (Gladiator, Aviator) and stars Ben Kingsley, Sacha Baron Cohen, Asa Butterfield, and Chloe Moretz. It's Scorsese's first foray into 3D, and he's extremely excited about molding the technology to his very specific stylings. I'm personally jazzed to see this one on December 9th of next year. Even though it's a family film, I've read the book and can confirm that if you possess a soul you're guaranteed a whimsical good time. If you don't have a soul, you can proceed with killing helpless small animals in your mother's garden. (/Film)
Director: Martin ScorseseCast: Chloe Moretz, Ben Kingsley, Sacha Baron Cohen, Asa ButterfieldSynopsis: Concerns a 12-year-old orphan who lives in the walls of a Paris train station in 1930 and a mystery involving the boy, his late father and a robot.Release Date: December 9, 2011
Gary, take about one-million steps to the left.Gary Oldman must owe someone money. The extremely versatile and talented actor is set to star in the crime thriller Guns, Girls & Gambling alongside the not versatile and talented Dane Cook and Christian Slater. Alright, Slater deserves some cred, mainly for Kuffs, but still, Oldman stumbled into the wrong lukewarm jacuzzi. THR, mind telling us about the project?The story throws Elvis impersonators, Indians, modern cowboys, a 6-foot-tall blond assassin, a frat boy, a corrupt sheriff and a prostitute into a chase for a priceless American Indian artifact stolen during a poker game at an Indian casino.Slater plays a normal guy who in a drunken stupor joins an Elvis impersonation contest. Oldman is the contest’s mega-contender, and Cook will play the sheriff. . What? This movie sounds ridiculous. Any God-fearing American worth his salt knows that frat boys don't mess with prostitution or gambling. But if you say so, indie director Michael Winnick. I can suspend my disbelief for Dane Cook, but the mischievous frat boys plot line just doesn't hold water.
I'm going to continue posting these porn parody trailers because I personally find it amusing when nasty sex gets shoehorned into anything, especially movies and TV shows that don't deserve such acts being forced on them. I wouldn't be so bold as to call these porn parodies "the rape of western media" but if major outlets pick up the term I want proper credit. Having said all that, New Sensations added boobies and stuff to The Breakfast Club! Imagine all of the confessions about parental abuse in the original film replaced with sexual innuendos. So basically, they stole our entire schtick at Screen Junkies. **Represses deep-seated emotions. Plasters on fake smile** Check out the porn parody trailer after the jump. Fingers crossed for the single "Don't You Forget About Missionary" in the full length movie.
I know how much you guys love info about movies that may never happen, so here are some photos from the set of The Hobbit. The film has no director, but people are working hard over in New Zealand to build The Shire. Once the project is completely dead they'll abandon the land, leaving prime, unpatroled real estate open for hobbit squaters. They're the worst kind of squaters.More c*ck tease pics after the jump.
Western flicks have been cattle-roping since the invention of the movie camera. So it's no surprise that sometimes they get a bit stale. Every so often, filmmakers jump into the genre with a little extra spice. Only, instead of coriander, they've got zombies, man-eating monsters, and gadgets.This week, Jonah Hex, based on the DC Comics series, adds a bit of the supernatural to Josh Brolin's archetypal old west anti-hero. Next year, we'll see the release of Cowboys & Aliens. It's no stretch, nowadays, to see modern westerns made with a little fantasical pizzazz, so we put together a short history of supernatural motifs in the genre.
Sweet mother of us all! This Predator's scary vagina mouth is the most horrifying thing I've seen since Love Actually.In this newly released photo from the upcoming Robert Rodriguez-produced film, one of the Predators displays his fangs in an all-out attempt to cause Danny Trejo's character to poop his pants. I'm assuming it didn't work, since Danny Trejo is the most menacing thing in the galaxy. Even so, it's pretty bad ass. See more freaky Predators pics after the jump.
Leave it to those conniving Brazilians. It's bad enough they always win the World Cup. It's even worse that their women are some of the hottest on the planet. As if they didn't have enough to rub our faces in, now they've gone and stole our trailer for The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. It makes me sick! The clip, which has not officially been released, was published on a Brazilian website known as "MundoNarnia," which roughly translates to "Stupid Yankees Go Home, Narnia Is Ours." I thought my grandpa was a fool when he told me not to trust the Brazilians because they had no respect for copyright law. Now I wish we'd listened to him instead of selling his house and putting him in a state-run nursing home. Ah well, estou começando a aprender. Vamos ao cinema? Watch the new Chronicles of Narnia trailer after the jump.
Nic Cage Wants His Cake – Watch more Funny VideosWho would have thought something so great could come from the Brett Ratner-directed film The Family Man? I want this song as my ringtone. Verizon, make it happen! (FilmDrunk)I want these links!'Sons of Archery' Creator Fires Back About Pending Lawsuit (TVSquad) 'Ghostbusters' Burlesque–Stay Puft In Go-Go Boots, Slimer Bares All (Asylum) ShamWow Guy Vince Shlomi Pitches Eminem Album (PopEater) 'Children Of Men' Director's CGI Epic Has 20-Min Opening Shot (FilmDrunk) Sexy Pics Of Catrinel Menghia (HolyTaco) Do You Believe In Destiny? (Unreality) Free Drake Concert Doesn't Happen, Erupts Into A Small Riot (BroBible) Chewy Cheers For The English (TotalProSports) Sex: Some Like It Hot (Maxim) Dave 'Pee Wee' Herman Talks Contract Dispute With Bellator (CagePotato) Jennifer Love Hewitt Flashes Cleavage In Attempt To Land Husband (CelebJihad) 20 Chuck Norris Motivators (Smosh) 'The Shat' Directs a Documentary About Himself (Pajiba) Johnny B. Homeless-Beer Pong Adventures (Atom) USB Typewriter (MadeMan)
Sony Pictures Animation has released the teaser trailer for The Smurfs. They desecrate Mount Rushmore. 'Nough said. Check out the teaser after the jump.
BREAKING: Cameron Diaz loooooooves c*ck.In what I'm sure wasn't in any way an attempt to boost the box office success of her upcoming film Knight & Day, Cameron Diaz spoke with Playboy about earning frequent flyer miles for c*ck, among other things. Ugh, why do celebrities make it so easy sometimes? I try to utilize my razer sharp wit, and then Diaz goes mouthing off about how she's constantly on the prowl for c*ck. She even said "C*CK." No euphemisms or anything.Check out the highlights from Movieline while I go try to find news that pushes my limits:On romance: “Oh gosh, I can’t even count how many times I’ve gotten on a plane for love. It’s not unusual in this business; my lifestyle demands it. I’m always traveling for [whispers] cock. You’ve got to go where it is.”MORE BLATANT P.R. AFTER THE JUMP.
Our hopes of seeing a vampire use his fangs to perform a Caesarean section have just gone down in flames. Screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg has informed the LA Times that Breaking Dawn's gory birthing scene will happen off-screen. Seltzer and Friedberg wouldn't pussy out like that.On the fan site, on Facebook, all the comments are "It has to be R rated! You have to show the childbirth! Gore and guts and sex!" For me it's actually more interesting to not see it. You know, you can do childbirth without seeing childbirth … it doesn't mean it's any less evocative of an experience.Yes, you can do childbirth without seeing childbirth. But when that childbirth features an accelerated pregnancy that kills the host from the inside out, causing a f*cking vampire to eat his way through the mother's stomach in order to deliver the baby, which can run around and has complete awareness, you'd better show the childbirth. But whatever. I'm not a screenwriter. If you're not going to show the delivery, don't even THINK of making us sit through the boring lamaze class scene. Those are always the same.
"Is that boy's head on fire?"Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, the two directors behind the tweeked-out Crank films, are negotiating to stab their hypodermic needle of creativity into the heart of the Ghost Rider sequel, entitled Ghost Rider: The Spirit of Vengeance. Nic Cage will return as Johnny Blaze, the stuntman with a serious dry scalp problem.The film needs to go into production before November or Columbia loses the rights, so who better to take a chokehold on the project than the guys who directed two movies where speed is a major component. I can't imagine the sequel to Ghost Rider could turn out any worse than the original. Neveldine and Taylor are basically getting permission to play with fire, and I fear not even the craft services table would be safe from their wrath. When Neveldine spots crafty serving up bananas foster across the stage, you know he's gonna want to bathe in those flames. (THR)
The Internet used to suck. The Internet is good for a few things besides revitalizing Betty White's career, and Middle Men is here to remind us of that. The new film is inspired by the brave heros who brought porn to the Internet, and molded it into the universe it has become. Luke Wilson stars as a businessman who helps guide the first online billing company that deals exclusively with adult entertainment. Judging from their unkempt look and sparring habits, Giovanni Ribisi and Gabriel Macht co-star as the staff of ScreenJunkies.com. Oh, I've just been told that they play the programmers who invent the billing method. I was close. Soon the trio are caught in the middle between porn stars, fabulous riches, Russian mobsters, the FBI, and Luke Wilson once again has to tangle with Mr. Henry. It's weird to see him without Rowboat. PAY SOME RESPECT TO THE INTERNET'S HERITAGE AFTER THE JUMP…