Friday, March 27 by

By WWE’s The Big Show

Let me tell you something.  I don’t take too kindly to John Cena.  Ever since he "pinned" me back at WWE’s Survivor Series with help from that pretty boy Bobby Lashley, I got a real sour taste in my mouth.  I wanted nothin’ more than to put him in a Cobra clutch, move into a backbreaker and then have my old manager, Robert "Leprechaun" Taylor do a jig all over his beat up hide.  So, when me and a couple of m brothers from WWE caught Cena’s little movie, 12 Rounds, we was ready to laugh that rappin’ loser all the way out of Hollywood.  I wanted Monsters vs. Aliens to get Cena in the corner and give a couple a’ forehand chops right to the jugular (I’d be up on the ropes, shushing the crowd so they could hear the impact, of course.) 

But then I saw the movie.  And her I am, standing before you today, sayin’ a man’s gotta give credit to another man where credit’s due – even if that man is John Cena.  Friend, you and I both know that over the years, Cena’s been doin’ a lotta actin’ in the ring.  A LOTTA actin’.  Well, it’s all paid off better than a full ride to Jewelry Yard, or whatever they call that sissy play acting school in the Big Apple.  After that crap show The Marine – a disservice to our troops, If you ask me – I thought Cena was down for the count.  He couldn’t act his way out of a Cage Match if his lady friend was there handin’ him the damn key.  And still, he was struttin’ around, callin’ himself "The Prototype" and whatnot.

Well, this movie is the prototype for a good time. 

12 Rounds is a smashmouth, no-holds-barred action thriller from Renny Harlin, the dude who brought us Cliffhanger, Deep Blue Sea, and about ten other movies that would make great stage names for strong dudes in spandex.  And this brother knows his way around an action movie set like Rey Mysterio knows his way around my reverse slam powerbomb.  The movie follows Detective Danny Fisher (Cena), who stops this dirt bag Jackson (Aiden Gillen) from gettin’ away with a big heist, like Vince McMahon does every time he signs our paychecks!  Fast forward to a year later and Jackson’s escaped prison; so of course a dude’s gonna be out for blood.  He kidnaps Fisher’s fiancee (a move harsh enough to get you banned from Friday Night Smackdown), and then makes Fisher complete twelve badass tasks, each new one escalating in badass-itude.  If Fisher wins, he might get his girl back.  I can hear the audience gettin’ worked up already.

The movie ends up bein’ a pretty standard plot with more holes than a WWE Diva’s fishnets.  But it don’t matter.  Not once did I ever question Cena’s commitment to gettin’ his lady back.  And the pyrotechnics made Armageddon look like Wrestlemania I, if you know what I mean.  In the end, the movie didn’t make me think as much as, say, Die Hard 2, or The Remains of the Day, but walking out of the theater, I didn’t feel like I go taken for a ride, like when the fans voted me outta the Last Man Standing match against the Undertaker.  I ain’t recoverin’ from the hurt y’all put on me for that.


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