Review: The Mummy: Tomb of Whatever

Monday, August 4 by

I hate Brendan Fraser and you should to. Think about it. The guy is rich, famous and gets hot chicks like any other A-list celebrity. How did he get there? By acting like a total jackass. Now, he has 10 more of my dollars in his pocket and I’m not very happy about it.

The plot in 13 words:
An idiot, his wife and his son fight some mummies made of clay.

I have seen the first two Mummy movies, but I honestly couldn’t describe the plots of them because they are so unremarkable. I rememeber some creepy beatles in the first one, but past that it’s all a mush of crappy one-liners and Mexican guys pretending to be Egyptian. Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is no different, in that it offers absolutely nothing new. There are plenty of action scenes, but most of them don’t even really make any sense. Who’s going to be afraid of an army that looks like it marched right out of Pier 1? Not this movie goer.

The worst part:
Brendan Fraser’s embarrassing antics aside, the thing that really got me about this movie is the way they keep just arbitrarily adding magical rules out of nowhere. For example, the emperor goes to the pool of eternal life, but for some reason, it not only makes him immortal, but allows him to turn into many different kinds of monsters. There are other people in the movie who have been in the pool, why can’t they turn into monsters? And at one point an army of clay soldiers are marching, when someone yells out, "They’re not indestructable until they cross the great wall." Well, that’s pretty convenient. I mean, I can’t see a reason that would possibly be the rule, but if it makes the movei ove faster than I guess it’s not all bad.

Even worse than the worse part:
There’s a bunch of Chinese language with subtitles throughout the movie, but at the climax, where a Chinese woman is reading an ancient scripture carved into a book made of bones, she does so in perfect English as if she has spent the last 20 years working at a Barnes and Noble on Hollywood Blvd. It’s at the end of the movie, so by this point I should’ve been ready for it, but I guess they thought the audience would be too whipped up into a fit of mummy-induced hysteria to read a couple of words.

Yetis? Seriously?
Don’t get me wrong, if yetis were real, they would probably be my favorite animal, but I doubt they would be as helpful as they are in this movie. They act like furry sherpas. Oh, and for some reason they know karate, just like everyone else in the movie.

So, is it worth the 10 bucks?
No, it’s not. Watching this movie all I could think about is how often they’re going to be playing it on TNT three years from now. There are too many gross and scary parts to make it good for kids and it’s just too friggin’ stupid to make it worth watching as a grown adult, so I’m not really sure who the audience is supposed to be. I guess it’s for people who have never heard on Indiana Jones. Or Tomb Raider. Or even that terrible National Treasure.

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